sunnysideup1 Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Okay. I want some opinions on this, please. Basically, I was really screwed over not that long ago by someone. They completely played me and I didn't know that he had a girlfriend. I forgave him for it but this action kept continuing. This person treated me horribly and as if I was an inferior human being. I cut contact but still receive contact at times. I no longer have feelings for him, but I still think back to that situation because I never stuck up for myself. It makes me sick to think the amount of times that I should have told him to **** off but never did. And 2 months after that situation, he contacted me and I acted nice as ever because I was always taught to not be rude to people. I think this is why, though I don't have any feelings for him anymore, I'm still pissed whenever I think about it. I'm wondering if you think I should tell him exactly how I feel the next time he contacts me (ie: "You treated me like **** and I never want to speak to you again. You don't deserve my time"). Will that make me stop being angry about it?
underpants Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 You have to deal with that anger on your own. It sucks when someone is dishonest and takes advantage. You were smart enough to distance yourself from it and part of me can't believe he has the arrogance to still contact you. However, I have learned that some people love to play with fire (this is a huge flag). Any attention you give him (kind or mean) is attention and he will get off on it. Does he still have this girlfriend? Did she ever have a clue about his deceptions? The absolute worst revenge might be to enlighten her. Although you might come off as vindictive or crazy or whatever he tells her to keep the peace. As long as you are honest with yourself and everyone you will come out with integrity. Warning though, putting yourself in that mess for even a moment aimed at clarity will, put you in the mess for a while. How important is it to you? Or you can just walk away from that whole mess. Ignore his emails or respectfully request that he no longer contact you. He might stop once he realizes you are not affected by his attention. Sorry, sometimes people are just selfish and are not above using dishonesty to get a moment of excitement. Not everyone. Let this experience make you wiser in the future. Urgh, what a punk.
nylah Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I would love to be able to tell you but I can't....because I am in the same boat....I was mistreated so terribly that I can't even bring myself to look at him when I run into him...what do you say to someone that has hurt you to the point that you're still aching over it months after the whole thing is over...and the same is true in my situation...it's nothing for him to call and say "hey, come see me baby", just like nothing is wrong...and maybe that's because I have never said anything to him about how he's treated me....I don't know what to tell you girl....what could you say to him that would make you fell better?? I think I'm still too embarrassed to even bring it up....I will stay tuned for your decision....and then I'll probably copy it..(smile)....
Author sunnysideup1 Posted July 14, 2007 Author Posted July 14, 2007 Well, apparently he does not have the same gf because I think she dumped his lame ass but he quickly moved on to some other chic. I think he was talking up this chic while trying to involve himself with me and his gf. The whole situation makes me so angry because we were friends first and I trusted him. It's not as if this happened with some random guy I met at a club and only knew for weeks. I knew this guy for about half a year before anything happened. We were never together he just used me sexually, led me on, then told me on Valentines Day that he had a chic he was seeing and so we had to just be friends. Thanks for telling me after you mess with my pussy. I'm a chic that would never do anything with a guy if I knew that they had a gf, so it ****ing pissed me off and hurt me. This situation affected me alot because prior to it I was in an abusvie relationship (he didnt know this). I thought I was on the right track in meeting nice guys but this blew up in my face. He also told me he thought I was crazy because I sent him a message while drunk which just told him about my evening that night (well, in a drunken way but it didnt say anything horrible in it, it was just like an email I would send to a friend). This was months ago but all of it still hurts and pisses me off. I thought I made it obvious I didnt want anything to do with him by avoiding contact and I avoided the internet all together for awhile plus deleted email accounts just cause it hurts me to see that someone thinks they can just use me like that and then pretend its fine now. But then I came back on AIM again and received messages. As I said I was polite because thats how I was raised but I am so tempted to just say **** off for once. This is also frustrating because I have an Ex-bf from 2 years ago that came out of the wood work and he treated me like ****. I think it's time to start telling people where to go.
norajane Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I was always taught to not be rude to people. I think this is why, though I don't have any feelings for him anymore, I'm still pissed whenever I think about it. I'm wondering if you think I should tell him exactly how I feel the next time he contacts me (ie: "You treated me like **** and I never want to speak to you again. You don't deserve my time"). Will that make me stop being angry about it? Absolutely tell him to f*ck off. Women are taught not to be rude, and they end up getting attacked on dark streets because they're too polite to run away or to yell and scream, you know, 'cause they might be wrong and the guy following them too closely is just out for a walk. What you call being rude is what some people would call getting closure. Give him a piece of your mind for playing you and then coming back to set you up for more. And then forget about him.
underpants Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 No this guy might deserve something more evil...... I will have to think about this...... When was the last contact and what did it say? Be happy that you see him for his true character. Some cat pulled some pooh on me and I knew him for like 7 years. He had not one but two other girlfriends and a fiance, and an extremely small penis that I saw one time for one minute. Whatever, and good luck.
nittygritty Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Don't tell him exactly how you feel. He doesn't care about your feelings, he's a selfish jerk. He is probably not going to contact you when your angry and prepared. He will wait until your possibly having a weak moment. At least that has been my experience. It might make you feel better to write him an angry letter that you don't send. When he contacts you, speak calmly with as little emotion as possible. You could ask him questions like "Why are you contacting me?", "Why would you think I would want to be friends with you?", "Why would you think I like you?", "Why would you think I would want to go out with you again?", etc. Whatever he answer's respond calmly and matter of fact. End the conversation with "don't ever contact me again". If you must, tell him you think he is a....(whatever you feel the need to express) and "don't ever contact me again". I don't know if it will make you stop being angry about it but it might make you temporarily feel better. Underpants gave great advice, you should probably listen to her because I'm angry at what my ex did to me too.
nittygritty Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I just read norajane's advice, I agree with her too.
funkybassplayer Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I know how you feel, i had similar treatment. If you want my advice, just walk away, and leave him to wollow in the mess that he will creat, You keep your pride intact, and you wont get into a long slagging match. After a time the anger will go, and he will be out of your life. Belive me sometimes silence is stronger than words.
Zona76 Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 What you should do is simply drop ALL contact. Me, I'd be after humiliating. Best way I can figure is to catch him up with another girl. Tell him once and for all you're not simply another notch in his belt. And neither is she. *points to girl* Tell the girl, "If he's doing you honey, have him wear a condom 'cause he's been around!" And back to him. "Stop trying to contact me once and for all, cause I'm looking for someone who's REAL and you never will be!"
nylah Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Belive me sometimes silence is stronger than words. I think this is so true.....the guy(s) obviously thinks he can get away with what he does or he wouldn't do it....I just don't understand why someone could be so uncaring to another person, when it would be so easy just to tell the truth or to just leave them alone....why be so cruel?????...
underpants Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I agree with the above posters. He simply is not worth the time or effort to do anything extravagant to prove a point that I am sure one day he will realize on his own. You can be deafening silent. If you happen to run into him and he approaches you. You could just laugh (this messes with people). Just laugh and seem ammused by him, then walk away without a word. Or pretend like you don't know who he is and look confused, ask him what his name is. If he tries to tell you why you should know him. Just respond with ....I'm sorry, I guess you didn't leave that much of an impression. If he continues to contact you or that other ex, of course you can stand up for yourself. Don't let someone mistake or misuse your kindness for weakness. Don't explain your feelings or their hurtful actions, this makes it seem like you are still hurting (that gives them the power). A simple, sorry I have moved on from you and do not wish to have further contact can do wonders. Silence and indifference are two of the worst things you can do to attention seekers. I wonder though, just for future reference. Did you ask him about his status before you got involved? In a perfect world someone would be upfront about their status, however sometimes people lie by obmission. I asked that little prick I posted about above (at a wedding no less) however he just lied. However, I make it a point to ask regardless. If later I find that they just lied, well, that is one less person to worry with. Did you continue to see him after you found out about the gf? That might be the source of some of your anger. Mad that you didn't (win), or a little mad at yourself for putting yourself in a competition where the score keeper was just reaping all the benefits. You live and you learn. Hopfully all this will make you a little better at judging someone's character in the future.
Author sunnysideup1 Posted July 14, 2007 Author Posted July 14, 2007 Thank you for the replies. I feel silly for going into this because it happened so long ago but I wouldn't be thinking about it if I didnt get these random IMs. I never directly asked for his status but on the night that something happened between us, we talked about his ex-gf's for hours because I told him I was curious about them. He never brought up a CURRENT one. And he had his MySpace on single which is what we used to contact each other at times, so I didn't think anything of it. Before anything happened, he knew that I liked him because I sent him that through a message. Instead of telling me he was seeing someone, he continued to contact me and ask me to go places, so I ASSumed from all of the above that he was single. Also, when I went out to the bar with him and his group of friends for the first time, they told me that we should start dating. I ASSumed that they would know if he was single or not. Apparently he didnt even tell them he was dating this chic. She was out of country studying abroad. After I found out about the gf, I ignored him for a bit cause it pissed me off. He kept contacting me saying sorry, etc and that he still wanted to be friends. I went out to the bar with him, his friends, and mine a few times after and I never said anything sexual or tried anything. I just wanted to be FRIENDS. He continued to make sexual remarks to me to the point where I got fed up and told him that I didnt want any contact with him anymore. He got pissed at me for coming to the bar with a guy who had a girlfriend and tried to humiliate me in front of his friends about it. He sought me out at a bar about a week after that and tried to make up for it by buying my friends and I all these drinks then asked me online if I forgave him and I just said it's cool. He said his gf had "broken his heart". After that, though, I got really drunk one night and sent him an email that talked about my night at the bar and how my ex was getting married and it pissed me off. He sent me an IM the next day calling me a crazy alcoholic and being really rude to me. That's what pissed me off the most. I avoided ever running into him again. Normally, I would be like **** him, whatever but I was really vulnerable at that time because I had been in an abusive relationship before meeting him and was still feeling the effects. The relationship with my ex was really physically abusive and emotionally. The reason why calling me crazy hurt me so much is because that's what my ex used to call me when I didn't do anything wrong. When I finally got online again, I received an IM just asking how I was and what I'd been up to, etc. I never contacted him after that but about a week ago I got another one with a link of a music artist we both really enjoy and a comment. I don't get why he doesnt just leave me alone. It's not like we were ever together so I know this isn't the same as other peoples' situations here but you would think that most would be wise enough to leave well enough alone if they screwed someone over. It just reminds me of a horrible time in my life, so I don't appreciate the IMs even if it's only happened twice so far. The last one I did not respond to.
underpants Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 What a little punk, He seems a little predatory to me. He puts out all the bait or signals of availability, yet is not honest with you. I can understand, you anger might be at yourself for not realizing he is a jerk, especially when a previous relationship was bad. You will eventually get to where the analysis of a jerk is not worth the mental effort. You will then focus on yourself and that would be the most productive thing to do. Gosh, don't let other peoples' comments make you feel reduced. If some jerk calls me crazy or a freak, I am thankful I am not their cup of tea. I would think there would be something really wrong with me if a dishonest/dysfunctional person did like and respect me. Just turn that thinking around and let it empower you. People who cast insults are usually trying to deflect attention away from themselves or their own issues. Honestly I am glad you got out of this. He seems to have some traits that would have proved to have been another bad relationship for you. You may have been caught for a minute but you smartened up and got out. You might want to explore what causes you to become attracted to these types. However, you seem to be trying to do this and that is good. I could tell you 20 things to do with this casual (testing the waters) contact from him that might bother him, but really I think he would revel in any attention you show. I would just ignore it for now, don't respond or acknowlege it. Ignore and indifference. If it persists, I might have some different actions that I would take. He might give up. If he keeps on let me know and we will get him. I would not let the silly contact bug me too much, just further validation that he is not good enough for you. Regards, Unders
nylah Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Silence and indifference are two of the worst things you can do to attention seekers. This has to be sooo true.... because my bastard will even ask me "why aren't you calling me?"..... Do you believe that these guys set out to be "predators", or do you think we enable them somehow? Because I am not a push over in any way...I'm actually completely the opposite. That's why I think this bothers me so much...It's like, how did I let this happen to me? But on the flip side, I think that by me "acting" like it didn't bother me, and not giving him the satisfaction of knowing that he was hurting me, really provoked him more!! The more that I think about it, the more I'm starting to think that the bastard wanted me to say "your hurting me", but I never did. I would just not talk to him and act like I was okay with everything; I think that maybe he's trying to break me:p...if he only knew .....
Bronzepen Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Just tell him that Chris Hansen from MSNBC is looking for him. Seriously.....walk away. He obviously touched a nerve with you and he knows it. Stop playing his game. He's not worth your attention or thought. Don't respond to his emails, calls, etc....
Sk8away Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Wow, great advice below! I would only add that "revenge is a dish best eaten cold." That said, I'm no advocate for "revenge" in the usual sense, but revenge in the sense of moving on, living well and being happy. Let Karma take care of everything else! You have to deal with that anger on your own. It sucks when someone is dishonest and takes advantage. You were smart enough to distance yourself from it and part of me can't believe he has the arrogance to still contact you. However, I have learned that some people love to play with fire (this is a huge flag). Any attention you give him (kind or mean) is attention and he will get off on it. Does he still have this girlfriend? Did she ever have a clue about his deceptions? The absolute worst revenge might be to enlighten her. Although you might come off as vindictive or crazy or whatever he tells her to keep the peace. As long as you are honest with yourself and everyone you will come out with integrity. Warning though, putting yourself in that mess for even a moment aimed at clarity will, put you in the mess for a while. How important is it to you? Or you can just walk away from that whole mess. Ignore his emails or respectfully request that he no longer contact you. He might stop once he realizes you are not affected by his attention. Sorry, sometimes people are just selfish and are not above using dishonesty to get a moment of excitement. Not everyone. Let this experience make you wiser in the future. Urgh, what a punk.
hatethatman Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 I know what its like to feel that you have been mistreated, and exactly what it feels like to think that you just laid down and took it. I feel the same feelings, and every now and then; I do have the desire to be a lil bit evil..and vendictive. When those moments come along I think in the long run how will I feel about myself after its all done...in short, I take pride in being the BETTER person and not bringing myself down to his level. He is SCUM, and not worth the trouble. Be proud of yourself for being the BETTER PERSON!!!
Author sunnysideup1 Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 Well, I have gotten contact since and have been nice. But, whenever I receive contact it just reminds me of a horrible time in my life. It makes me wish I had respected myself enough to get out of such a situation sooner than I did. It reminds me of how prior to this situation, I was in a horrible and abusive relationship and I didn't feel like I could ever get out of it. That situation does not even compare to this silly one; I literally wanted to die when I was with my ex, but felt I couldn't leave for the longest time. Ugh. Not to mention, that my abusive ex continues to contact me. Anyway, about this guy (he's not even my ex, just a friend that really hurt me)...should I just say that I don't want contact because it reminds me of a bad time in my life? The problem is, my religion teaches forgiveness and I hate bringing pain into peoples' lives. I try my best not to hurt other peoples' feelings, even by so much as making little, rude comments. I just feel a lot of guilt for doing stuff like that. I already did something rude to him by not returning 2 DVDs that I borrowed awhile ago before I left town and have since apologized for it when he contacted me, but I feel like since I did that, I have to be nice now.
underpants Posted August 1, 2007 Posted August 1, 2007 Well, I have gotten contact since and have been nice. But, whenever I receive contact it just reminds me of a horrible time in my life. It makes me wish I had respected myself enough to get out of such a situation sooner than I did. It reminds me of how prior to this situation, I was in a horrible and abusive relationship and I didn't feel like I could ever get out of it. That situation does not even compare to this silly one; I literally wanted to die when I was with my ex, but felt I couldn't leave for the longest time. Ugh. Not to mention, that my abusive ex continues to contact me. Anyway, about this guy (he's not even my ex, just a friend that really hurt me)...should I just say that I don't want contact because it reminds me of a bad time in my life? The problem is, my religion teaches forgiveness and I hate bringing pain into peoples' lives. I try my best not to hurt other peoples' feelings, even by so much as making little, rude comments. I just feel a lot of guilt for doing stuff like that. I already did something rude to him by not returning 2 DVDs that I borrowed awhile ago before I left town and have since apologized for it when he contacted me, but I feel like since I did that, I have to be nice now. AAaaaaagggghhhhhh, (just wanted to say what I would have thought had I been you in front of your computer receiving emails from (not nice) exes.) I think to both of them you should say. "I wish to have no further contact with you". Don't explain why. Then follow up by not contacting them, and block the one on the IM program. It is very okay to cut toxic people out of your life. I think sometimes people may take this route too early. However, some (alot) just sit around and continue to be used and abused. They fall into a rut of being kind of a doormat and the user/abuser/dominant one never learns any consequenses of their actions. If the dvd thing bothers you, mail them back. No note. It is not a mean thing to stand up for yourself. It is not a mean thing to not have anything to do with someone that hurt you or lied to you, or cheated on you, or abused you. Forgive them if that is what your faith tells you to do, but don't enable them. Forgive and let go. Maybe you like the attention that the ex's give you? I don't like that idea but in full disclosure I can understand this. It's not healthy. When you want the contact to stop, you will stop it. I mean all that I say in a kind way.
Author sunnysideup1 Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 Thank you for your reply. Honestly, I know this sounds sick, but it's almost like I'm addicted to the abuse. I don't know how to explain it. Once I cut abusive people out of my life, I feel like I'm missing something because a lot of people in my life are abusive...so then, I would be all alone. I know cognitively that it's better to be alone than to be abused, but...ugh. It's hard to explain.
Author sunnysideup1 Posted August 1, 2007 Author Posted August 1, 2007 I also have another question. I know this is going to sound silly, but I really just want to know. Is it normal to be demeaned in every relationship? Like maybe not on a consistant basis but enough to affect you? I guess my problem is, I don't really know what is normal and what's not. I understand that sounds dysfunctional. I think my abusive ex (the one from 2 years ago) really messed me up in that regard. Everyone since him seems like an amazing person because he treated me so cruelly. It's almost as if I think that anyone that treats me better than he did must be an angel. But then I see other people that seem to have amazing friendships and relationships, and I wonder if this happens to everyone, they just aren't telling me the bad details and that it's all a facade.
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