Desperate and i need lots of advise!

[Lucky555]

So i don't understand my situation.

First of all i had given a guy a chance.

 

Yesterday i attended his softball game and he lost oh well. We are three weeks into seeing each other and have not been intimate because he is a complete stranger to me so i wanted to get to know him better. I told him from the beginning that i could not be there for him because in a month i will be going back to school and focusing on my studies but i enjoyed spending time with him. I also work with him at the same place. So i know that he has a daughter and he doesn't have a car. While at his game his parents are there (he is 30, youngest of his family) So i think this is fine, but then there is his daughter, i was kind of nervous and he didn't seem too pleased that his parents brought his daughter to the game, he quickly hugged her and kept his distance. It was a bit awkward actually. However, another thing i dont understand is that i am basically meeting his parents and his daughter all at once. He didn't introduce me to his daughter at all he just said oh thats kayla (his daughter). So after this he had said the day before we would go out to eat, which we didnt and we ended up going back to his apartment and he changed quickly (no shower, no shave) we go to the movies. OH here is the wonderful part....he doesn't have money so we should stop at his dads house to get money! WTF! I said no politely and that it was ok i got it this time....well he was hungry too and drank about a bottle of wine and his food came out to $30. well, um i told him from the beginning we pay for our own things basically...he said he would make it up to me by taking me out to dinner another night. So i was pissed the whole time...seriously why go out and dont have money with a girl, why look like **** while i obviously took the time to ****ing shave my legs and look stunning and SMELL GOOD! i hurried to make it on time to his game! So, i calmed down and said to myself that this wouldnt last that long and i could call it quits...but then we go back to his apartment, he is living with a married woman who has boyfriends in and out of her house. Then she had a friend over i had a cosmo relaxed, and i actually had a good time with them. He on the other hand was by now drunk..he walked me to my car later and we kissed first time..i had not kissed him at all prior to this.

So now i am worried, his roomate being really sleezy sleeping around and stuff and being 32 and him being 30 is kind of freaking me out. I mean she obviously is attracted to him they hugged and i think in the past they did sleep together. She is a stay at home mom. Usually on friday he would call and ask me to go over to his place but now that she is back at her house, which she had been gone on a vacation before, he hasn't called. Today at work he didn't even bother to see me. On fridays he always brings me a Popsicles, its our thing and today he didnt.

 

Tomorrow i am supposed to go to a bbq at his dads house along with other people from work. I was invited by him, then i find out today that he was telling my coworker that he and him were going to get drunk.

Should i bother going?

I seriously don't want to hang around a drunk the whole time.on the other hand it is hear say.

Should i wait for him to call? He didn't see me today to make plans so i am assuming if he wanted me to go he would.

This relationship is spiraling out of control, i told him i didn't want to hang out with him if he was going to be drunk yesterday night. he texted me telling me how pretty i was and that he enjoyed our time together..**** he was drunk. He also has said to me his life is a mess and that his father is managing his money. I feel like a fool for this guy, i am attracted to a loser! He makes me feel good but that can only go so far, i hate cigarettes and yet he asks if he can smoke in my car. So what am i doing, being stupid is what i am. On the other hand i don't call him, and thats because i don't want to hang out with him if i have to pay the way and drive everywhere. Now that he lives with this woman he doesn't have privacy either!!! UGH. So what do i do. We both know its not going to last and yet we kissed and have feelings. At work everyone is talking about us together because he has been telling people hes seeing me, so hes happy? but now i just want to end it and yeah i am scared to get close to anyone, yeah i have been hurt, but i mean look at the situation here am i wrong to want a decent, clean cut guy, who actually takes the time to look good, don't get me wrong hes sweet, but i mean a guy that wants to use your money, car, and sleep with you should be sweet right. My opinion here do tell me if i am wrong HELP ME!!!

 

AND SHOULD I MAKE UP AN EXCUSE NOT TO GO TOMORROW even though other coworkers want me to be there but essentially its to spend time with this guy....?

[jcster]

He also has said to me his life is a mess and that his father is managing his money.

Dear God...Don't GO TO THE BARBECUE!!!! There's a lot more to his story than he is telling you - and I'm sure it's nothing you want to know. You can already see that he has a drinking problem. He's perpetually broke and is taking advantage of you. Just cut him loose now, before you get any further into this.

don't get me wrong hes sweet, but i mean a guy that wants to use your money, car, and sleep with you should be sweet right.

 

Yeah, he's sweet - he has to be - he has nothing else to offer. Run! I've been there and got the merit badge - this guy will drain you dry!

[D&L]

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW!!!. Im so sorry, but this man is NO GOOD! Go to the barbeque......I dont think so.. move on, find someone who will treat you like the empress that you are.

 

Ummmmmmmmm...he's 30 and you guys work together but yet he still has to stop off at his pops to get money for dinner and a moveie. OMG.. and dont forget he drank a whole bottle of wine when you were paying. I dont know him, but some how I know that if he was paying, he would not have. This man is a user and I honestly dont think this relationship is going anywhere. Any man that is going to go out with a woman that has made sure she looks stunning, and he looks like Mr. Hobo, on purpose, is not really intersted in keeping you. Just my opinion. Good luck with that.

 

My goodness, pleeeeeez keep us posted on this one.

[buzzie2]

Get out now. He is just using you, and from what you've told us already does not have a lot of respect for you. And if you do stay with this loser i am almost certain that it won't last long because you'll get so sick of his behavior.

[Chinook]

In the words of the lady from Minority Report....

RUN!!!

[Lucky555]

Well i did go the bbq because i told other workers that i would be there and by the way this was his parents throwing the bbq. Dear god this only gets better. He is really great to me took care of me with drinks and stuff and i was content socializing with others and seeing what his parents were like. Maybe around his parents he would be different? We are all having a great time and he finishes of a bottle of wine and more beer like everyone else there. Seriously everyone was there to drink, it was ok they are celebrating. He on the other hand proceeds to cater to me and seems different so i go with the flow. However, later on we are sitting and he kisses me and its all going great. Then next thing u know everyone there is on the refer!!! I dont do this at all. BUT EVERYONE WAS. ok they didn't ask me to do it and i don't know if i am making too big of a deal of this or not. but please tell me if i am. Now later he tells me that i push him away a lot and that is why he seems distant. He said that i am a player because i will be all set when i go back to school. Which is true i was just looking for friends and hanging out and getting to know one another first. And i told him that i wouldn't have much time when i go back to school and this would cause problems. So he wants to continue seeing me, but he was getting irriated by me because i don't call and i don't show that i actually care. Yes i admit i was distant and cold because i was figuring him out its been three weeks. I think that his behavior of not caring was showing that if i didn't want to be with him why should he bother.

So he told me this:

He is seeing only me

he wants to continue seeing me even if its only for one day a week

we are attracted to one another very much

His family and friends like me

He has not met my family "oh dear god would they flip" very very uptight parents

He is open with me and willing to discuss problems, which i have a hard time opening up but working on it.

Its hard to run now, because everything is sorted out and cleared up

he is willing to take it slow also.

 

I know that in previous relationships no guy had been so upfront about himself like this guy.

This guy is fine with his life being simple also. He can take care of himself. I am not planning on having a guy take care of me which is why i am pursuing my own career.

SO he was honest with me and open. I also cried in front of him telling him that i didn't want to get hurt again and he said don't cry and he kissed my tears and said that he wouldn't hurt me. I told him i would know if he is lying and he says i wouldnt know because he doesnt lie. I know that there is no perfect man, in this world and i have no idea what love is because i have never been in love. This though feels good that he does care about me. He also knows that he owes me dinner for the time at the movies and and for the money i spent on him. so we had a very intimate moment and long talk.

Alright, so am i just being stupid again and seeing this blindly?

I have no control over another person or what they are thinking.

 

Also another thing, i mentioned his daughter in a conversation and he seemed kind of tense about it. I was refering to something his mom said about his daughter. It seemed like a touchy subject for him and i dont know how to react to it.

Another concern is that i work with is dad also, and that his dad is an overseer of what i do at work. Which had nothing to do with us being together, but him and his dad and his coworkers from the bbq i work with them all and they are his friends for the most part. I know i have to keep it cool but i do think he talks about him and i with his friends. I don't want to be seen as a slut either. So far this has gotten real heavy with deeper emotions and not seeing other people. Sometimes i wish i were to pull out of this but other times i don't want to regret it. Its like i am lost. i am torn between emotions and thoughts.

[jcster]

I could try and argue with you point by point - but if you continue going out with this guy you will be sorry. Regret it if you must, but move on.

[Chinook]

I could try and argue with you point by point - but if you continue going out with this guy you will be sorry. Regret it if you must, but move on.

I have to agree with this. Also, anyone who gets heavy with deep emotions in a short space of time, that's never worked out to be a good thing in my experience. It feels kinda heady at the time and all very exciting. But in the long run, it's a whole world of pain. Usually yours. I stand by what I said earlier, I still think you should run away as fast as you can. It's not too late. He's gonna have you hooked before too long and then it will be too late. I wish 8 months ago, I had posted this and asked advice and had someone tell me the same thing.

[JCD]

Always listen to your head and not your heart. Emotions come and go and sometimes they make you think that they're right when they're not. When I was in love, I listened to my heart and I overlooked many negative things in a girl. My honest opinion of this guy is that he is a drunk and irresponsible with money. In another words, he is not a mature, independent, who can provide for his wife type of a guy. Not a real man in another words. You can have the same attraction to another guy who would be better for you. But I think you need to go thru this experience yourself and learn from it because no matter what we tell you, you will do what you want to do. Sometimes that's the only way people learn.

[D&L]

Always listen to your head and not your heart. Emotions come and go and sometimes they make you think that they're right when they're not.

 

 

I totoally agree, in this instance, follow your head. I know it feels good that he says he cares and he was catering to you, and that is what you are feeling right now, that euphoria. Dont let these feelings though mess with your better judgement.

[jcster]

He's trying to dazzle you with emotion (and lust) so that you will ignore the obvious, less wonderful details of his life. It's a heavy handed method of control, and it's a sure sign that there will be trouble ahead. Not only is it dishonest, but it shows a lack of respect for you that should be setting off warning bells. Instead of being open and honest with you about the complications in his life (his daughter, his money, that strange woman he lives with), he instead gives you the runaround and flattery. Never, ever stick with a guy that relies on those two things - they have nothing else to offer.

[jcster]

Always listen to your head and not your heart. Emotions come and go and sometimes they make you think that they're right when they're not.

 

That's hard to argue with, but there is also something else - the "gut." That's the reaction that lead you to post here in the first place - that nagging feeling that something isn't quite right. That's what you need to listen to, above and beyond the head and heart. Both of these can lie to you, but your gut ALWAYS knows what's going on.

[Lucky555]

So after reading what you all wrote i am finding out these things:

1. Has no drive to have a better job

2. Weed

3. Cigarettes

4. Always drinks

5. has a kid

6. father manages money

7. his answer to want he wants "hang out with you" (this is after three weeks otherwise no future.)

8. No car

9. Ex was a married woman

10. Says his life is a mess

 

Me:

School/Career/Job/car/honest/looking for the future and not the in the moment/know what i want out of my life.

 

Fact: I like him he likes me.....thats not enough is it?

 

You all mention that he is flattering me. Yes he is constantly flattering me and give me lots of attention. I think this is what has been keeping me going with him. We have a lot of passion but as you all say its LUST! As i am figuring him out it seems to me that hes a "lover" like he uses his flattery and attention to woo the girl and then she takes care of him.

 

Oh man as much fun as i was having and how much attention i loved...i see the obvious and my gut says he can't meet my family and that has got to mean something...

we have been close to being intimate and i told him have patience and he said he had a lot of it.

Also his dad and everyone at work knows about us being together and they have been rooting him on basically..while i have been more quiet about the whole thing. I mean i have not been formally introduced to his parents more so he says these are my parents and thats my daughter.

 

My friend says that i should wait it out with this guy and see how it goes because when i actually do start school again it will be the test on whether there is anything to come of this but don't go any further than what it is "kissing" thats all. I do have self control so i can definitely handle it. He did mention he was "falling for me" which i take as not quite there on caring about me. I don't believe everything i hear.

 

So yeah you all say to dump him.....i realize this so much easier to have that perspective than to be in the situation that i am in. So i am going to have to have a talk with him and say that i am not ready for a relationship right now and that i like having my freedom. We can't do things together but if he still wanted me to go to his games i could.....or i could do like my friend says and wait it out a bit longer but HAVE SELF CONTROL. I am not looking to get married but i want something that is going to grow into a real relationship. We'll see i suppose i am still going to date other people because this guy is good to me but i am sure i can do better if he is going to continue on his self destructive path. I am not attached to him like i say its just lust and passion. I can honestly say that i don't love him or anything and if he really wanted to date other people i would SOOO understand. So what is it that is keeping me hanging on? the fact that he has not done anything wrong and i feel like i need to carefully sneak away without causing a mess.

[Chinook]

I am not attached to him like i say its just lust and passion. I can honestly say that i don't love him or anything and if he really wanted to date other people i would SOOO understand. So what is it that is keeping me hanging on? the fact that he has not done anything wrong and i feel like i need to carefully sneak away without causing a mess.

 

Okay so here you're being REALLY upfront with what you want. He's just Mr. In-between right..? That's okay (although don't tell him that). But be careful you know. Sometimes when we're not attached at the start... somehow these things change us and before we know it... WAM! It changes and we're hooked and can't leave. Then you have the makings of a bad relationship. I think all that we're all saying here at LS right now, is that it has that potential, so be careful. For me... I know I get into things really quite passionately once I do fall for someone (but I don't fall so easily) so I know for me, it would be a trainwreck in progress. Just be careful lady.

[Cobra_X30]

What? Are you gonna fall for any guy who pays attention to you? Have some standards... please.

[Chinook]

What? Are you gonna fall for any guy who pays attention to you? Have some standards... please.

Ya, that too. Boredom relief is good. But be careful too.

[Lucky555]

I really do understand what you all are saying

here is what is going on in my head:

1. i love love his arms (he is hot, but looks are not everything i know)

2. i love the attention (let me be honest my last relationship sucked!)

3. This is helping me get over the past hurt, he knows that i had been hurt already and also he knows that i am not in this for the long run with him basically because hes not going to change the previously listed bad things about himself.

 

he has been told by other women that he is a loser. Seriously right in front of me this lady said that. He is very submissive to woman, which i have realized, because he has nothing going on for him. I see that he also is a very loud individual which makes up for the fact he has no self worth. Here are some positives that i see about him, he is doing sports and he loves the red sox games. I know hes a good dad, but hes protecting that aspect of his life because its close to his heart. This is why i opted not to get into this too much. Another thing is now that he is living with this married woman who sleeps with other men maybe he will be better off. Before he lived by himself in a crap apartment. I am sure she can find a woman for him who is closer to his age. The other night she was sitting so close to him as if she was his gf or something...body language can say a lot. Why wouldn't he sleep with her if she is feeding him free food and maybe he could get a discount on rent. He also used to call me every other day like today he would call for me to go over, but he didn't which tells me hes probably busy with that woman (not lonely anymore)

 

i know that i have not fallen for him but i think i am going to go with the "middle man thing" i just like having him around even if its just as a friend. I have other guy friends that i hang out with that are totally cool, even though some want to be with me its ok and they respect that. This guy said that he would respect it if we were just friends anyways, its a very casual relationship and when i say heated its attraction. I am not going to go with any guy unless they are going somewhere with their life and want things such as i do..the house, the stability, ect. just a beautiful life to reach for. I am not financially stable but at least i am trying to do better and reach those aspirations. Ok, now,

 

Another thing is i kinda knew he had issues when i started seeing him i just wanted to find out what those issues were. I had time i on my hands and because i wasn't looking for a relationship and more so friendship in the beginning of this. Um, i am learning when i am with this guy..i don't know why but i like seeing what kind of life he has. I don't call him everyday, we don't see each other everyday...mainly we just go out for dinner, i go to his games, ect. I will not let anything sexual happen if there is nothing for the future. I promise myself that and i have too much respect for myself.

 

Red flags for future also, he doesn't talk about my family, my career, or how my classes are going or even what classes i had taken. He doesn't want to get to know me, he uses the "whats your favorite color" nothing too personal. When i cried he said very firm..."Don't ever cry in front of me"

what?

It looks as though i am playing a game right? Its not its just getting to know him better and seeing what hes really like....getting past the front that he puts up to look good. I think he is trying to use his sexual appeal to get me to be with him..or to brag to his friends, it is amazing how everyone at work knows about us, one of the guys told me that he goes and Tells them a whole bunch of stuff. However, i will be very careful everyone Thanks for the information because as u see its helped me to evaluate the circumstance a bit more. Hell i am shooting for the stars being all i can be i don't need someone dragging me down but as i said up above he will be set and i will slow this things way down...the heat has to go from flame to coals.

[jcster]

It looks as though i am playing a game right?

 

Quite frankly - it does look like you're playing a game - but you're playing it with YOURSELF, not with him. Do you really think that with everything you've written here about him and how you feel that you will be able to resist when he turns the heat up? Because that's what he's going to do if you attempt to cool it down. I think you're very attracted to him despite your own logic, and you are rationalizing a way to keep him in your life. This is a very dangerous game to play - it leads to the slippery slope - and the slippery slope leads to .... certain doom!

 

I think we've all played this game from time to time: He's messed up, he's using me...but he's so HOT! We'll just be careful.... I know I got burned - and badly. If you try and beat him at his game, you will go down - he's been playing it longer.