cheating and lieing...should she know?

[fly_gurl]

i thought my life was bad until it got worse:o. i just found out that my SO's best friend cheated on his girlfriend while she was away at her grandmothers funeral. that's terrible, don't you agree:sick:? i've know my boy friends best friend as long as i've known my bf, and i've known this girl for about a yr now. we've become really close in the past three months. i feel like i can tell her anything. i even b1tched charles out when i found out he cheated. i told him i was telling her and that he needed to be honest. i told him i was not going to sit back and watch him do that to her. because eventually she will find out and she will find out that i knew. i dont want to lose her as a friend. my boyfriend told me i need to stay out of it because its not my business. i told him it is my duty as her friend to be honest. but it is also my duty as charles friend to stay out of it if he prefers. im very lost at what i should do. i don't like the fact that my boyfriend thinks its alright. he didn't come out and say those exact words but i get the feeling he finds it ok. is there something wrong with that? i'm not going to worry about it because i'll get to that later but i do want some advice on what i should do about telling tracey. she is a good person and doesn't deserve this. but another part of me doesn't want to lose charles as a friend either. especially since my SO and him are bf and have been since childhood. i think it would effect our relationship if say something. any advise would be niec. thanks

[LN99]

I think that both you and your bf were put in a tough spot knowing what you know about his friend and what he did.

 

Your bf is right (in a way) about staying out of it. I mean he might not agree with his friends actions, but he also probably feels it isn't right to rat out his best friend.

 

I mean, if your best friend(who was a female) did that, how would you react? Would you tell her bf or would you stay out of it? I mean, if you ratted her out, you would put your friendship at risk. You might feel it's worth it, but its still your friend, right? You don't necessarily have to agree every single of your friends actions or personal life decisions to be her friend right? But you also have your right to put your opinion out there. It's up to your friend to take your advice into consideration or to leave it be.

 

Maybe there is more to this story then you think. I think your S.O. knows more and possibly knows more details about his friends relationship with his gf. Maybe it isn't all peaches. (Doesn't excuse his behavior though.) But, all you can do is encourage your man's friend to fess up or figure out what he wants. Thats about as far as I would personally go with all of that.

 

I know you probably feel awful knowing what you know and not saying anything. But, I'm sure his gf will figure it out eventually. It's just that for the sake of your S.O., I would respect his wishes and just back away from the situation. This doesn't mean that you necessarily have to be ok with everything, but at least you won't end up being the bad guy in this situation. And trust me, sad thing is, the person who tells the truth usually ends up being the bad guy in one way or another. (Sucky, isn't it?) You could actually end up having all 3 of them angry at YOU. So, I would just stay out of it.

[zeldazelda]

find some way to make sure she finds out without you being the one to tell her.

 

sure, it's passive-aggressive, maybe a little--but she deserves to know what's going on, while you don't deserve to lose your friends and your boyfriend over it.

 

what a jerk his friend is. i think your boyfriend should step up to the plate and talk to his friend about it and maybe encourage the guy to break it off with one of the girls and tell the girlfriend. that's what i would do.

 

it doesn't mean your boyfriend is a cheater, he probably just wants to stay out of it, but i think i would be feel a little strange if my SO thought nothing of this happening and it didn't bother him. it isn't his relationship to worry about, but still...no concern for a friend, his relationship, and the poor girls unknowingly suffering? what if it was you?

[underpants]

You know I have been here.

 

It is a terrible position. You have knowledge that if you were in her shoes you would want. Then there is the dynamic of friendships and even your own relationship to consider.

 

Some married friends of mine I watched go through this recently and it was surreal. A married couple friend was cheating. It made my little experience seem like chump change. As a commited couple they sided with the decieved partner but it brought out some drama. However, my friends are cool and they somehow managed to come out it a stronger couple. They both distanced themselves and decided that for the sake of friendship that they could not be involved nor a support system on this issue. However, that was after the discovery.

 

When I told a close friend of mine, a most awesome chick, she got back together with the dude and they eventually married. The other woman who I was so mean to on my friends behalf still, 15 years later when I see her apoligizes to me? I have even apolgized back and said I wasn't the one decieved and that really it was none of my business and I was sorry for being mean to her. It is just weird that she the OW still carries that burden. It just further validated my choice to never put myself there.

 

You know, even though I didn't get to stay in touch with that friend. She had the truth and she went into her marriage with open eyes. I still respect her and I don't think she hates me or anything. I think last I heard of her they had 2 kids and she was happy. She just made a choice and maybe friends that knew posed a reminder to her.

 

Gosh, I told some stories and they probably don't even help.

 

I guess if it were me. I would really want to be on the same page as my boyfriend. That has to be communicated between you two. I would want her to know. (I would want to know). The most respectful thing to do would be to give this friend of your boyfriend's a date to come clean by. If he does not you and your boyfriend will confront his girlfriend and tell the truth.

 

This is a tough issue. However, it is an issue that has to be dealt with and the clock is ticking.

 

Sorry,

Unders

[norajane]

i don't like the fact that my boyfriend thinks its alright. he didn't come out and say those exact words but i get the feeling he finds it ok. is there something wrong with that?

Yes, there sure is. It's one thing for your bf to be following the 'guy code' and not rat his friend out. But it's quite another if he actually doesn't feel that his friend did anything wrong by cheating. If he doesn't think that's wrong...how can you not ask yourself if your bf would cheat on YOU because he doesn't think there's anything wrong with that? And you can bet none of his friends would ever tell you, no matter how long they knew you.

 

Do you know who he cheated with? Does she have a Myspace account or something? Maybe she's put something up there that his gf could, er, "accidentally" find.

 

The trouble with telling her straight out is that it will cause trouble for you with your bf, especially because his friend will be pissed off at your bf. Now your bf could stand up and be a man and say to his friend, "hey dude, you made your bed..." But it sounds like your bf would get mad at you.

 

Consider how much you really care if he's mad at you for being a decent person and warning your friend that her bf cheated on her and she should probably get tested for STD's...consider very carefully if your bf has the kind of character and integrity you want in your life if he's willing to throw you under the bus to defend and protect a cheater...and then follow your conscience and let the chips fall where they may.

[oppath]

Tough call. My friend, who was more my ex's friend, told me about her ex proposing to her just before our breakup, and it created a lot of drama because I told her off and he had to navigate friendships. If he could have done it over, he would have told her "he knows something is up, I couldn't deny it but I wouldn't tell him what, you can call him and tell him the truth or I will." If I could do it over, even after he told me, I would have told him "don't tell her you told me, tell her she needs to tell me or you will."

 

Basically, she made her bed by lying. And, she went on a date with another guy before the breakup too I'm pretty sure. Anyways...certainly, I had a right to know about her ex considering it happened, she acted distant, we got in a fight because she was acting distant, we made up and exchanged Christmas gifts...and a week later she dumped me. Would I have given gifts had I known that information? Of course not. Absolutely, I had to right to know information that would allow me to make a decision about our relationship.

 

This girl has the right to know. Failure to disclose information that would allow the another person to make a relationship decision is abusive and manipulative. I would pressure the guy to tell the truth or just break up with her. He's being a coward.

[fly_gurl]

I read everyones advice, thank you.

 

But, it's not over yet. I ended up not telling her and I think I made things worse for her:o.

 

A few days ago she found out she is 1.5 mos pregnant:eek:. She's so happy:). She wanted me to help her tell Charles. So, yesterday we told him about it, and he was so hysterical. He was yelling at her, telling her that he is not ready for that kind of responsibility, that she needs to get an abortion, that he is still in school, and blah, blah, blah. I was amazed that he acted that way. That was a whole new side of him that I have never seen. WOW!! I got pretty mad at him yesterday and me and him got into it because I think that if he is man enough to lay down, then he should be man enough to man up. On the other hand I was telling her that I wouldn't want to have a child if the father of my child was going to act the way he did. I told her that she was just setting herself up for failure. She ended up going home and I haven't spoke with her since. I didn't know that they argued like that. I have never seen them argue before. That was so surprising. Charles stayed over at our house, and when my boyfriend got home, I told him what happened. My boyfriend was telling him that he should tell her that he cheated so that maybe that would give her a reason to abort the child. I didn't agree with him. I told him that from what I saw as an outsider of their relationship, I think they could very well make it work, and that he should sit down with her and put everything on the table. I don't agree that he should only tell her he cheated just to see if she would abort the child. I feel so bad for her. My boyfriend made me mad when he said that, but he's just trying to help his friend out, which I can understand. But, we're talking about someone's life here. I guess he said he was going to wait a few days to see what he's going to do. He said he cares about her, but she acts to needy and that he does too much for her and she's lazy. I don't know what to think, I'm just surprised all this has happened.

 

I'll keep everyone updated..

 

If anyone has ever been through this, any advice would be great!

 

Thanks

[fly_gurl]

Yes, there sure is. It's one thing for your bf to be following the 'guy code' and not rat his friend out. But it's quite another if he actually doesn't feel that his friend did anything wrong by cheating.

 

Nora, I actually spoke with him about it later on. He told me that I have nothing to worry about, because he would never do anything like this to me. He told me he thinks his friend was wrong for cheating, but his friend has to do what he feels is right. He told me that if his friend jumps off a bridge, doesn't mean he will go and follow him. He put it into those kind of words for me. I understand too, because I wouldn't stab a good friend in the back. Charles didn't hurt my bf, so my bf really has no place in the matter and neither do I is how I feel. I am always going to be around for support, but I won't actually butt in. I think what I did yesterday was a little over the line, and hope I don't get caught up in it again!

[LN99]

Wow. Thats all I can say right now.

 

I'm beginning to think she should know what she is getting herself into. Normally, I would say not to get involved but this guy is truly a jerk that she is with! She's probably thinking about a longterm commitment to him now, and he's nowhere ready for that. (Funny how he points out that SHE is the one not ready.) Anyways, I feel sorry for that baby. I hope he learns to take responsibility for his actions. And its true, he shouldn't have slept with her if he wasn't ready for any commitments. (most people don't think about that though.)

 

I feel bad for you for knowing all that you know and being stuck in the middle. I would also question your bf's behavior during all of this. What if all this was happening to you? Would he stand by and support you or would he encourage you to abort the baby? I'm not 100% against abortion, I just hate it when people use that as an easy way out for their careless actions.

 

If anything, be there and offer her support. She will need it. Also, I would encourage her bf to come clean about his actions.

[fly_gurl]

Wow. Thats all I can say right now.

 

I'm beginning to think she should know what she is getting herself into. Normally, I would say not to get involved but this guy is truly a jerk that she is with! She's probably thinking about a longterm commitment to him now, and he's nowhere ready for that. (Funny how he points out that SHE is the one not ready.) Anyways, I feel sorry for that baby. I hope he learns to take responsibility for his actions. And its true, he shouldn't have slept with her if he wasn't ready for any commitments. (most people don't think about that though.)

 

I feel bad for you for knowing all that you know and being stuck in the middle. I would also question your bf's behavior during all of this. What if all this was happening to you? Would he stand by and support you or would he encourage you to abort the baby? I'm not 100% against abortion, I just hate it when people use that as an easy way out for their careless actions.

 

If anything, be there and offer her support. She will need it. Also, I would encourage her bf to come clean about his actions.

 

I told him he needs to put everything out on the table, because I feel they could probably work things out, only if she forgives him? But, I'm as clueless as you are about what's going to happen next. Part of me wants to call her right now, and tell her everything, but another part of me is saying stay out of the mix, because I don't want to end up getting hurt.

I will def. be here for her for support, and told my boyfriend that he won't get in the way of that.

[bish]

I say rat the f#cker out!!!!

 

Its jerks like this that make it hard for us guys that don't cheat.

[ash519]

Treat others as you would want to be treated...if your bf cheated would you want her to tell you?

[lovelorcet]

I say rat the f#cker out!!!!

 

Its jerks like this that make it hard for us guys that don't cheat.

 

I am going to have to agree with this...

[fly_gurl]

I say rat the f#cker out!!!!

 

Its jerks like this that make it hard for us guys that don't cheat.

 

Bish, I feel the same way you do. Trust me if he wasn't my bf's best friend, it would've already been out in the open. However, considering the fact that my boyfriend would like me to respect his bf's wishes, what can I do? I have been with my bf for 5 years, do you really think I'm going to disrespect his wishes? If I rated Charles out, my bf could lose a very important friendship. Yeah, Charles may not be the best "boyfriend", but he is a very great friend. He's been there for me and my bf in hard times. He can be a little childish, but that's just him. I've only known Tracey for about a year, and when we first met, she acted kind of childish. Just recently did we start becoming closer, but only because I wanted it that way. Now that we are closer, she is a very good friend, which whom I don't want to lose. However, I respect my bf enough to where I will stay out of Charles business. I spoke with him a couple hours ago, and he told me that the girl he slept with was just a one night thing. He also mentioned to me that him and Tracey got into over the phone the night he cheated, so I'm still finding out information piece by piece. But, I honestly don't think I will tell her, it's his place to do so. Am I right or am I right?

 

Whenever this blows over, if it does, I'll keep people updated.

 

Thanks for the advice, good and bad!

[high_boost]

i think you should make him tell her himself. if he will not do it than you should.... but give him a chance to do it first.

[norajane]

He was yelling at her, telling her that he is not ready for that kind of responsibility, that she needs to get an abortion, that he is still in school, and blah, blah, blah. I was amazed that he acted that way. That was a whole new side of him that I have never seen.

 

On the other hand I was telling her that I wouldn't want to have a child if the father of my child was going to act the way he did. I told her that she was just setting herself up for failure.

 

I didn't know that they argued like that. I have never seen them argue before. That was so surprising.

 

He said he cares about her, but she acts to needy and that he does too much for her and she's lazy.

 

You say all this, so I really cannot understand why you believe this:

 

I told him that from what I saw as an outsider of their relationship, I think they could very well make it work

He doesn't want the child, he yelled at her for having an opinion that was different from his about the child, he doesn't respect her, she was afraid to talk to him about the baby by herself (because she knew he'd lose his temper and make her feel like crap or worse?), and he cheated on her one night when they had a fight...doesn't sound like a couple that is poised for success.

 

So why exactly do you think they could make it work?

[bish]

Bish, I feel the same way you do. Trust me if he wasn't my bf's best friend, it would've already been out in the open. However, considering the fact that my boyfriend would like me to respect his bf's wishes, what can I do? I have been with my bf for 5 years, do you really think I'm going to disrespect his wishes?

 

Protecting his best friend is doing a disservice to this poor girl.

 

Case in point...my soon to be ex bit....ahem, wife, cheated on me when we were engaged. Alot of people knew, but nobody came forward to tell me. If I had known I'd have saved myself the best years of my life and wouldn't be going through a divorce with an adulteress right now.

 

If you don't tell her, it will be more devestating to her later. This girl needs to know so she can decide what she wants to do...and hopefully it would be to move on and find a guy that won't dog her like your bf's best friend is doing to her.

 

And this girl findss out later on in life that this information was withheld from her because your boyfriend was protecting his ahole best friend....I wouldn't blame her if she slapped the shi!t out of this guy AND your bf for holding on to info that could have saved her alot of pain and wasted years on her life.

[nicki]

What Bish just said.

 

Really, can't you simply sit her down and ask her if she's ever thought he's cheated? Tell her you're not so sure he hasn't. Let her go to him and confront him.

 

I think she should know. Plain and simple.

 

Maybe you could send her an anonymous note. Don't ever tell anyone, not even your boyfriend that you sent it.

 

But, if she comes to you and asks you for the truth, then tell her. You can tell everyone that you wouldn't lie to her when asked.

 

Stand up and do the right thing here. What if it were you?

 

I know it's hard, but often the right thing to do and the hard thing to do are the same thing.

 

Good luck!

[love necessity]

Tell her, so that SHE can MOVE FORWARD with her life. Hell, I think she needs to leave all three of you alone. You all three sound like a bunch of NUTJOBS, and she just happened to be an innocent bystander. Poor girl:(. Am I only one who sees this?

 

 

You said that she acted childish when you first met her, but you and your childish boyfriend and his friend are the ones doodling around like little grade school children keeping secrets and such. She seems like the only mature one out of the bunch. From what you said, she didn't get upset when he was yelling at her, she just left. That sounds like an adult to me! He's the one who was acting like a spoiled child, crying to get his way.

 

And OMG!!! I read some of your threads "fly_gurl", and one brings me to this. If you and your boyfriend are having issues, BIG issues, then tell her, your relationship isn't too far from falling anyways from what I've read!!

 

If I was this girl, I would knock one you good time after keeping it from me for too long!!! What a B1tch!!!

[fly_gurl]

I just wanted everyone to know that I told Tracey that Charles cheated on her. She told me that she didn't care, because she cheated on him, too in the past. After I told her, I specifically told her not to tell Charles that I told her he cheated. We had an oral agreement. I wasn't going to tell him that she cheated, and she wasn't going to say anything about me telling her he cheated. I thought everything was over. She told me that she just wanted to make up with him and try to work things out. So, a few days ago, I invited both of them to my home for a dinner party, and neither of them knew about the other one coming. Charles got here first. When Tracey got here, he immediately started asking my bf what was going on. I didn't tell my bf anything about Tracey coming over, because I felt that he would just blow things and disagree and tell me to stay out of it. When she arrived she came in and sat on the couch, meanwhile my bf and charles are in the dining room arguing about Tracey's presence. Somehow, Tracey over heard Charles talking about her and calling her names and decided to storm into the dining room yelling at him, telling him that she knew he cheated. From the look on his face, I could tell that he hated my guts, which I could honestly careless, but my bf even had this look on his face of confusion. So they started arguing, she was crying telling him that she doesn't care about the affair and that they could work things out, while he is yelling to her that he doesn't love her anymore and that he doesn't want the child and she just needs to abort the child and move on. So their arguing and me and my bf start arguing about me telling her about his affair. I told him that she obviously didn't care. Yet, he explains that what if she did, and that I had no right, and that I broke a promise to him and I betrayed him. He told me that he couldn't trust me anymore and that i was childish and that he was moving out and in with Charles. I started crying throwing things at him telling him that I wasted my life for 5 years putting up with him and his childish friend Charles. Point of the matter. ME and my bf broke up, and it hurts like hell. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm scared of what my future will be without him. I love him so much, and yet I feel so resentful that he would leave me for his friend. How could he do such a thing to me? I don't even think he cared about me? What should I do? I want him back. We have so much together and I feel like I'm letting 5t years of my life slip away. One very disappointing thing about the whole situation is that Tracey and Charles are somehow back together and now they are all three living together and I'm just left alone. I have no friend or no bf. I feel so lonely. I'm so sad. What should I do?

[LN99]

Wow, sorry to hear all of this!

 

But, its crazy....I almost predicted this.

 

Like I originally posted by getting involved, YOU turned out to be the bad guy in their eyes. (It's unfair, but thats how it works. Sh*tty huh?)

 

You feel though like you did the right thing, right? I think you honestly did. But the situation was crappy and YOU were the one put in the middle. I just have seen these situations so many times and the person who is innocent that gets involved and tells the truth usually ends up being blamed for pretty much everything. I also had a feeling that Tracey would pretty much write off his cheating and make excuses. I figured she would choose him before anyone else. I mean after all, she probably "feels" like she is doing the right thing for the baby. Honestly though, I doubt they will last. That whole situation is such a mess.. They both cheated on each other. Doesn't say much about her character either...

 

I think its crappy on your bf's part of how he is treating YOU in this situation. I mean, obviously his friend and gf have worked things out. There shouldn't be an issue anymore. I think there is more to this though and your bf was just looking for a way out. What raises a red flag is that he was willing to go so far to protect his friend and cheating ways. I honestly wonder if he is doing the same to you on the side. If he is willing to throw away 5 yrs over you doing the right thing and telling the truth, then he really isn't worth your time.

 

Oh yeah and Charles and Tracey sound like they deserve each other. I think the best thing you can do is just walk away from the situation.

[norajane]

How could he do such a thing to me? I don't even think he cared about me? What should I do? I want him back. We have so much together and I feel like I'm letting 5t years of my life slip away.

 

Oh, no. It's not YOU who is letting it slip away. Your asinine bf is letting it slip away. Actually, he's throwing it away, blindly.

 

Instead of seeing that you were the only one out of the bunch who was most concerned about integrity and honesty in relationships, he is blaming you for something that he should have stepped up about and insisted that his friend tell his gf about his cheating. Believe it, if your bf cheated on you, you'd be the last to know with this bunch around.

 

If he is willing to just move out (?!!) like that, he's not someone you can count on long term. You've been together for 5 years...does your bf even realized what he's doing by throwing that all away because he got angry that you told someone the truth? Instead of feeling good that his gf is the kind of woman who values honesty, he's all upset because he couldn't control your actions. Sorry, not a reason to walk out and move away and break up.

 

Let the three of them stew in their own juice. The friend and her bf are both liars and cheaters, and the bf doesn't want this baby and he doesnt' respect his gf since he thinks she's lazy...

 

Your bf is going to realize exactly how much he threw away and come crawling back. Why you would want him back, I have no idea. I'd be pissed.

 

But I am sorry you are hurt right now. I truly believe he'll come crawling back, though, so think about how you'd deal with that. Don't just take him back right away. He owes you an apology and a sincere discussion on what he believes your relationship means to him if he could just toss it away like this.

[fly_gurl]

Thank you Norajane and LN99 I really needed to hear both of your opinions. You both are right, I don't really need him, but I love him and he is a great person most of the time. I felt like our relationship has been on the edge of falling lately anyway, so maybe this "split" will be a good thing?

 

I just hope he does come crawling back, because if he doesn't then I'm going to be stuck with a whole bunch of bills and rent that I can't afford on my own. All I can do is wait though:rolleyes:.

 

The weirdest thing happened to me today. I was out with one of my good friends today and we went shopping then out to eat. I saw one of my ex's old friends, and I told him what happened between us. He turned around and hit on me and told me I should call him. He also told me that I don't need that "jerk bomb ass of a boyfriend". I am really surprised. I took his number, but should I call him? He does seem like a nice guy? hmmm...

[bish]

I just wanted everyone to know that I told Tracey that Charles cheated on her. She told me that she didn't care, because she cheated on him, too in the past. After I told her, I specifically told her not to tell Charles that I told her he cheated. We had an oral agreement. I wasn't going to tell him that she cheated

 

Ah, so lets see....you felt compelled to tell her he cheated on her, but you don't think he has the right to now know she did the same?

 

Ok for her to cheat but not him eh?

 

, and she wasn't going to say anything about me telling her he cheated. I thought everything was over. She told me that she just wanted to make up with him and try to work things out. So, a few days ago, I invited both of them to my home for a dinner party, and neither of them knew about the other one coming. Charles got here first. When Tracey got here, he immediately started asking my bf what was going on. I didn't tell my bf anything about Tracey coming over, because I felt that he would just blow things and disagree and tell me to stay out of it. When she arrived she came in and sat on the couch, meanwhile my bf and charles are in the dining room arguing about Tracey's presence. Somehow, Tracey over heard Charles talking about her and calling her names and decided to storm into the dining room yelling at him, telling him that she knew he cheated.

 

Ah...so she is going to pull that, "you cheated" crap and neglect to tell him that she cheated on him long before that? Both of these people are totally f#cked up.

 

 

From the look on his face, I could tell that he hated my guts

 

Well now that she broke her promise to you, you should have told him that she cheated.

 

But since he is the guy and Tracey is the female, you'll protect her, but felt compelled to rat him out.

 

 

So their arguing and me and my bf start arguing about me telling her about his affair. I told him that she obviously didn't care.

 

Of course she doesn't really care...it would be hypocritical of her to care...cuz she f#cked another guy long before.

 

What should I do? I want him back. We have so much together and I feel like I'm letting 5t years of my life slip away. One very disappointing thing about the whole situation is that Tracey and Charles are somehow back together and now they are all three living together and I'm just left alone. I have no friend or no bf. I feel so lonely. I'm so sad. What should I do?

 

Well, you can tell your bf about Tracey screwing around first. You can tell him, "I'll tell you something because I want you to trust me"...then tell him what Tracey said....then he can tell his friend and both of them will know the truth.

 

Then your bf might just forgive you for being honest with him instead of holding this information from Tracey...especially when you really wanted to rat him out, but not her.