Something that stays w/me.. why didn't he get mad at OW for telling me?

[JustBreathe]

Someone's else's post got me to thinking about the things that still stay with me even though it is years post d-day.

 

She spilled the beans to me and then coldly refused to talk to me. I was crushed and she knew it. He did dump her immediately, however he never said anything bad about her or that she was wrong to tell me. In fact, he said she did him a favor. I can see that in a way because while it did take him some time to wake up after d-day and he took me through a lot of h#ll, eventually he did wake up and is now making big changes all around.

 

Shouldn't he have said to me that she was an ********* for doing that to me? That she was at least mean to do that to me? If she had talked to me or apologized at least, it would be one thing. But she didn't. She was a pompous ********* on the phone. I was and remain so incredibly hurt and my life forever altered. Why didn't he feel sympathy for me and at least throw me a bone and say he couldn't stand her? He says he never loved her and she meant nothing and that's all.

 

I feel like he took her side against me. This is one of the things that stays with me.

[Lynna]

Why did she tell you? It sounds like she did it because she was trying to force an end to your M. Since he would not leave you for her, she was trying to force you to leave him. Maybe she thought that her telling you would make you so mad and hurt that you would leave him and she could have him. In that case, she blew it. He dumped her. She hurt herself in the process.

 

It is no surprise that she would not talk to you beyond that. She already proved that she was an immoral, unethical person by engaging in the A. If she could do that there is no reason to think that she would be polite enough to let you tell her what you really think about her. She only contacted you to hurt you, she did not want you to be able to hurt her in return. She is a COWARD! She is not capable of taking responsibility for her own actions! You are a better person than she is.

 

As to why your H does not say worse things about her - well, it could be that he did have some feelings for her. He engaged in the A after all, there must have been some attraction there, some feelings. There must have been enough feelings that she thought she could get him out of your M and that he would come to her. He needs to seriously examine his motivations for the A and his feelings about it. If you have not already done so, I would consider MC. Even if the A was a long time ago, clearly there are some unresolved issues for you. He needs to show that he is willing to help you work through them.

[FireandIce]

I've asked myself this time and time again over the past few months. It wasn't until I really confronted him about my feelings about him worrying more about her feelings than mine did he realize how I was truly feeling. That was when he went to her (with me in the car) and told her basically to get lost and leave me alone. Since your husbands affair was a couple of years ago there really isn't any point in doing something like that but you could talk to him about how you felt during that time. You might not get the answer you want but at least it's something.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

JustBreathe,

 

Is it possible that he wanted her to tell you because he couldn't do it himself. Did he want to be pushed into making a decision? If she solved that for him, then he would be relieved and not mad at all as it may have been in his eyes what needed to be done yet he didn't have the balls. Just wondering.

[JustBreathe]

Thanks, girls, for responding.

 

Here's what happened. She spills the beans via email "unintentionally" whatever. I think it was intentional. I was logged on as my H on the computer but I believe she knew full well it was me she was communicating with even though I pretended to be him.

 

So, I call her, and at first she refuses to talk to me. I ask her if they were planning to run off together. She said she didn't want that anymore. Huh?? So she did at one time, I guess. Then she said I needed to talk to my husband, very coldly with no emotion. I told her then my husband, myself, she and HER husband could all talk then. That got her. Then she did speak a little more saying nothing of any consequence except to say her husband was sick and couldn't make love to her and she was lonely and that's why it happened. Still cold and snappish. I hung up on her because I didn't want to hear any more of her self-serving garbage.

 

I asked my H whether he intended to leave me. Whether he discussed that with her. He says, no he did not. He says that was what SHE wanted. I tend to believe that as he dumped her immediately after I found out.

 

I could not tell her husband because he is indeed very sick with a debilitating disease of the lungs and I couldn't do it to the man.

 

He did say the affair had run it's course and he was starting not to want to talk to her or see her. Maybe she was angry? Maybe she did want him to leave and thought he would?

 

But that's not even the issue with me. It's that he never has had a disparaging remark against her.

 

Still.. no words like she was wrong to spill it, that she was a b*ch to me, etc. No words that somehow make it FEEL better for me. That my feelings were more important than hers.

 

I guess there's no real answer to this. It just happened and she got to waltz away scott-free with no angry feelings from him, no apology to me or even an acknowledgment that she had a big part in jacking up my life, while I remain devastated to this day.

 

It still bothers me. That's the breaks I guess.

 

I know there are women who say they would never want an apology from an OW as it would be meaningless, but I can say honestly it would have made a difference to me. She just walked away. I hate her and I want my H to hate her too. But I guess he never will.

 

Sorry I wrote a book and thank you for listening and giving me your responses. It is nice to at least hear what other people think about all this as its all confusing.. still... years later.

 

Isn't it awful what this kind of thing does to a person? I mean, outside of how it damages the marriage, to the person, individually.

[NoIDidn't]

I wasn't confronted by the OW, I called her.

 

My H has never said a bad thing about her other than once the dust settled he knew he didn't have a future with her and that she was young and flighty. But I don't consider that as a bad thing.

 

My H isn't the type to say disparaging things about another unless they really, really hurt him. And even then, he'd prefer not to talk or think about it. Is it possible that your H is that type of person?

 

Also it seems that he already removed himself from her emotionally and was in a place where he wanted you to know but didn't know how to tell you. Seems like she was angry and trying to hurt him in some way when she told you. I'm glad you didn't tell her H, that would have caused him so much chaos with his already ill health.

 

Maybe your H doesn't talk bad about her or about her at all because he just wants to forget. He doesn't want to think about her. That's not uncommon, but he is working on himself and your M so its a good thing. Men are so good at compartmentalizing things. The OW is probably in a box marked "past regrets not to be revisited".

[JustBreathe]

NoIDidn't... I think you may be right. Although maybe it's wishful thinking on my part.

 

He is not the type to talk about anything much. Negative or positive. That is why I've been so stuck I think and can't get over the things he did. I wish men would realize that by clamming up about this stuff, it leaves the wife to sit and wonder what really happened, exacerbate things in her own mind and drive herself crazy with insecurity. I seek the "truth" over and over and let's face it. I was not present. I will never know what the truth was as he is incapable of expressing himself well and the OW just dropped out of sight. I imagine she is onto her next sexual conquest by now since her husband can't make love to her and her affair with my H is over. This I am sure of. I have verified and been vigilant. It's long since over.

 

It certainly does make him uncomfortable to the extreme whenever we discuss anything having to do with infidelity. He used to get mad but now he just says nothing at all. Like a stone.

 

Maybe this stone-like attitude will be the nail on the coffin one day as I am getting tired of all the unanswered or half answered questions. It makes it impossible to move on completely. Like I said, it has been years and I still have alot of it unresolved in my mind, in my heart. In the meantime, my children grow older with each year and once they're grown I have to make a decision one way or the other - it looms on the horizon. I don't know if I'll stay or if I will be unable to live with all the unanswered and move out and on my own. I know women who have done this for various reasons and they don't seem to regret it.

 

This all sux so much, doesn't it?

 

Well thank you all for your comments. They were helpful in that at least I get to see it from other angles besides my own muddled mind.

 

It's always nice to come here and get a reminder that I'm not the only one. That I shouldn't feel defective. That this happens over and over to good marriages and bad ones. Or even just to vent out the hurt and anger. It remains. In my case, maybe forever.

 

Thanks again.

[Curmudgeon]

I feel like he took her side against me. This is one of the things that stays with me.

 

Perhaps he's relieved and grateful that she told you. He may have found himself in too deep and didn't know how to extricate himself. She took care of it for him. Possibly he really wanted out of the affair and didn't have the courage to leave it on his own. She solved his problem.

[InaPanic]

i'm not sure i agree that because she told you that it should make her an evil person in his mind. I can see how maybe to him it was the best thing that could have happend as it made him wake up & smell the coffee so to speak.

I know it's not the concensus here, but just because someone has an affair doesn't make them a monster. It makes them human & open to mistakes, even if those mistakes have an earth shattering affect on a lot of peoples lives. I don't know this person but maybe she wasn't out to wreck a home or to destroy lives just because she could. Maybe she fell in love with someone she shouldn't have & it got out of hand. She did a bad thing, there is no denying that. Just trying to say, maybe that's why he hasn't said bad **** about her because in reality she wasn't that bad. I think it's natural as the betrayed spouse to want to believe this person is just the most horrid human being ever & to you she is but to him maybe not. That doesn't mean he still has feelings for her tho.

And the clamming up. I think it's a natural defense when something makes us uncomfortable. I do it too. I know my husband does it. He doesn't want to be reminded anymore than i do about my affair. But sweeping it under the carpet & trying to act like it's not there doesn't work either. I'm still trying to work on this in my own relationship. It's hard. You need to tell him that you need to be able to discuss things with him when they come in your head so they don't have time to fester there. How many years has it been since the affair? Do you feel like you've progressed healthily past it since?

[NoIDidn't]

She did a bad thing, there is no denying that. Just trying to say, maybe that's why he hasn't said bad **** about her because in reality she wasn't that bad.

 

I can agree with this part. Maybe he doesn't say anything bad about her because she told the TRUTH. She wasn't telling a lie about him being in an A with her, so it was true. What could he say about that?

 

Could it be that he feels that calling her names is like calling himself names because he was the one she was doing it with? My H felt that way. He will never say a bad word about his co-worker. And I totally understand it.

[smartgirl]

I haven't read all the other posts... but,

 

Over a year after I found out my H pretty much still won't say anything negative about this woman. She has done more than enough to deserve unkind words, but he doesn't.

 

He feels guilty. He feels he could have prevented this all by discouraging her and saying no that fateful night she asked him out for drinks.

The half dozen times he broke it off with her he could have avoided her when she tried to initiate the make up.

 

He could have done dozens of things to make his ambivilence more clear. But he didn't want the thrills to end.

 

So, he feels guilty. He feels like he deserves whatever bad things she or I care to heap on him. He doesn't hate her, he hates himself.

 

If he was putting it all on her we would give him s*** for not taking responsibility. This is the down side of him taking responsibility. It is better for both of you in the long run.

[NoIDidn't]

So, he feels guilty. He feels like he deserves whatever bad things she or I care to heap on him. He doesn't hate her, he hates himself.

 

If he was putting it all on her we would give him s*** for not taking responsibility. This is the down side of him taking responsibility. It is better for both of you in the long run.

 

Perfect summation!! ITA

[outofdarkness]

I can agree with this part. Maybe he doesn't say anything bad about her because she told the TRUTH. She wasn't telling a lie about him being in an A with her, so it was true. What could he say about that?

 

Could it be that he feels that calling her names is like calling himself names because he was the one she was doing it with? My H felt that way. He will never say a bad word about his co-worker. And I totally understand it.

I ditto that...That is exactly what my H said after his main ow contacted me...I asked too, why he didn't hate her for telling me, call her names, etc..He said that exact thing, verbatum...Well, if I were to do that, then I'd doing/saying those things about MYSELF....

[Lynna]

So, he feels guilty. He feels like he deserves whatever bad things she or I care to heap on him. He doesn't hate her, he hates himself.

 

If he was putting it all on her we would give him s*** for not taking responsibility. This is the down side of him taking responsibility. It is better for both of you in the long run.

 

I have to admit, my H has never and will never say anything bad about the OW. And I know he never will. As said above, he hates himself, deeply. He blames himself, as do I. She did not know me, she did not do anything deliberately to hurt me. My H however LOVED me, HE is the one who hurt me through his selfish actions, she was only the tool he used to do it.

 

I met the OW after I discovered the A. She willingly met with me on two different occaions because she was mature enough to realize that her participation in the A resulted in me being hurt me and that she needed to face the consequences. On the first occasion I was very angry. Yet she met with me again because she was willing to do whatever I needed to help me heal. On that occassion we talked like normal people. I discovered that she and I could have been friends had the A not happened. She has a LOT of issues that she needs to deal with and has FINALLY realized that cheating on her H with a MM is NOT the way to do it. She apologized to me.

 

I can't hate her. Nor do I hate my H. Rather I feel pity for both of them. They were very selfish people and I have to pay for their choices, but they did not make those choices with the intention of hurting me. That was only the result. (Yes, I know that should have been OBVIOUS to them that would happen, but then neither of them was a fully mature adult clearly.)

[NoIDidn't]

I discovered that she and I could have been friends had the A not happened.

 

Even though I never blamed the OW, I still would never have been friends with her. Just not my kind of people, KWIM?

 

She had lots of drama in her life, and I don't do drama or dramatic people for too long.

[JustBreathe]

Just read through these and I think, with your help, I may have figured this out. He is ashamed or guilty because I do remember he once said "She was a good person and she was nice to me." My blood boiled as I hated to hear anything nice about her. So I said "Oh yeah, real NICE. What kind of woman screws around on her poor sick husband!!???" His response was "Well what kind of man does that make ME??" At that time I thought, what a seflish pig still thinking about himself ... always himself.. his feelings... mine don't even matter." But perhaps you are correct. Maybe it was more than a flippant or angry comment. Maybe it is how he feels inside ... like he screwed some poor sick man's wife and it makes him feel like a creep. Honestly, it had not quite hit home with me. I think that idea was somewhere on the perimeter, but I wasn't seeing it clearly.

 

As you can tell, I have alot of healing to do... it's been five years. I don't know that I will ever heal completely. I have tried to tell him he needs to discuss things with me, and he does try a little more now, but becomes unconfortable and angry very quickly. I wind up crying and it's a mess. So these days I don't even bring it up. But I boil inside. I do have a counselor. I just am the type that takes a long time to heal if I can heal at all I guess.

 

Thanks again everyone. You've been very helpful to me.