jj2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 A couple of months ago I found out my H was having an EA with a co worker. I confronted him about it, and he caved. The OW kept calling the house after he confessed and called her and told her he had hurt his family enough already and for her not to try to contact him again. Well, she called again not long after that while I was supposed to be at work and I answered the phone and she called me every name in the book. I told her I was not going to lower myself to her standards to tell her exactly what I think of her and hung up, then had my number changed. Well, about 4 days after that she started calling me a work and called me every name in the book again. My supervisor took care of that. Now, here recently on 3 seperate times, she has been following me. twice on my way to work, once from a shopping center in town. every time she follows me until I park and then she drives off, peeling rubber.I put a metal baseball bat in my car for my own protection but Why do you think she is harassing me? I would think she would be out stalking H instead.
Lynna Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 She is harassing you because she believes your H REALLY loves her and that you are bullying or forcing him into staying with you rather than being free to be with her. She thinks that she can torment you into leaving him and then he will be free to be with her. What is your H's reaction to how she is acting? He needs to confront her with you there and he needs to tell her forcefully and unequivocally that he loves you, he wants to be with you, and he NEVER wants to see or talk to her again outside of their professional obligations. He needs to tell her that if she does not stop harrassing you that HE will take out a restraining order on her and that he will report her behavior to their boss. Your H needs to stand up for you and demonstrate that he is committed to your marriage. This is something that he needs to do to rebuild your trust and faith in him. If he won't do it, then you need to have a serious conversation about why and about whether he really wants to be in this marraige. If he won't take that action, then you need to take out a restraining order right away and call the cops immediately when she violates it. She clearly has issues and needs professional help.
nylah Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Yes she is crazy!!! But I believe there is so much more going on with her and your H....Does EA mean AFFAIR....That's what it sounds like is going on to me....crazy or not, I don't think she would risk going to jail or possibly getting killed over someone that she only has "emotions" for...How long has this EA been going on??? Maybe I don't understand, but it sounds like she's in love with him, and for whatever reason he has given her, she doesn't feel it necessary to respect you in any kind of way...there just has to be more going on here.....But do be careful!!
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 She is harassing you because she believes your H REALLY loves her and that you are bullying or forcing him into staying with you rather than being free to be with her. She thinks that she can torment you into leaving him and then he will be free to be with her. This is absolutely dead on correct. There is a fare amount of coersion that goes into convince a woman to be the "other person". It works so well because they create an enemy, the two of them against the enemy. Whatever is said or not this scenario - us against B/S reinforces the specialness of the relationship to the OP. Take one that's not so sane to begin with and they "act out" toward to BS to enact their revenge. Heck if the sane OP have this loathing attitude... "she'll get hers" toward the BS for their inconvenience in the OP's life. NUTS!
Author jj2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 She is harassing you because she believes your H REALLY loves her and that you are bullying or forcing him into staying with you rather than being free to be with her. She thinks that she can torment you into leaving him and then he will be free to be with her. What is your H's reaction to how she is acting? He needs to confront her with you there and he needs to tell her forcefully and unequivocally that he loves you, he wants to be with you, and he NEVER wants to see or talk to her again outside of their professional obligations. He needs to tell her that if she does not stop harrassing you that HE will take out a restraining order on her and that he will report her behavior to their boss. Your H needs to stand up for you and demonstrate that he is committed to your marriage. This is something that he needs to do to rebuild your trust and faith in him. If he won't do it, then you need to have a serious conversation about why and about whether he really wants to be in this marraige. If he won't take that action, then you need to take out a restraining order right away and call the cops immediately when she violates it. She clearly has issues and needs professional help. When all of this came out I told him he would have to find another job because I was not about to sit back and let an EA turn into a PA so he doesn't see her at work anymore. I did tell him that she was following me and he called her cell and home but no one ever answers. He left two messages 1 telling her to get a grip and leave me alone and 2 telling her if she ever hurt me he would make her wish she were dead. In the past couple of days I haven't seen her anywhere and I hope I never do again! Thanks for your reply.
Author jj2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Yes she is crazy!!! But I believe there is so much more going on with her and your H....Does EA mean AFFAIR....That's what it sounds like is going on to me....crazy or not, I don't think she would risk going to jail or possibly getting killed over someone that she only has "emotions" for...How long has this EA been going on??? Maybe I don't understand, but it sounds like she's in love with him, and for whatever reason he has given her, she doesn't feel it necessary to respect you in any kind of way...there just has to be more going on here.....But do be careful!! I really don't understand how she could develop such stong feelings for him over such a short period of time. He met her when he started the job (about 3 months ago) and I found out about them within the first month and he quit the job a little over a month after he started. He told me that she is having problems in her marriage and she started to confide in him and at the same time she started heaping attention and affection on him and he admitted he enjoyed the attention but he never meant to lead her on. (I'm sure he is sugar coating to make him look like the good guy and we are trying to rebuild our marriage but it is just really hard to believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now) Thankyou for your reply.
Lynna Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I am glad to hear that he is standing up for you!!!! Glad that he found another job. In that case he could also tell her that he will reveal to her boss what she has been doing and that could get her fired. He needs to be careful though not to say anything that could be considered threatening, especially not on a recording. She might be so crazy that she thinks that if she can't have him then you can't either and she might try to sue HIM for the threat. Document every time that you see her following you, or doing anything else. Write down what happened, when it happened, etc. Also write down when he called her and what he said. Write down as much as you can remember from what happened before now and then be more specific if it continues to happen. Hopefully with him leaving those messages she will come to her senses and back off. I wish you luck!
Lynna Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I really don't understand how she could develop such stong feelings for him over such a short period of time. He met her when he started the job (about 3 months ago) and I found out about them within the first month and he quit the job a little over a month after he started. He told me that she is having problems in her marriage and she started to confide in him and at the same time she started heaping attention and affection on him and he admitted he enjoyed the attention but he never meant to lead her on. (I'm sure he is sugar coating to make him look like the good guy and we are trying to rebuild our marriage but it is just really hard to believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now) Thankyou for your reply. Sounds like she latched onto him as hope in the face of her deteriorating marriage. She put herself on the line thinking that he would reciprocate. When he called it off she felt like a fool and felt further betrayed by men in general. She has real issues and seriously needs psychological help! I think you can trust your H for the most part. That really is not long enough for much to have happened. He may actually not have said or done all that much if she is so crazy. She may have taken a little bit of flirting and attention as real attraction. It sounds like she is off the deep end so she may have blown things WAY out of proportion. Are you two getting any MC? That might help you rebuild the trust.
Mino Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Sounds like it was MORE then a EA, I think it was a full blown A, an husband is trying to cover up and downgrading it to EA. A women would not go to that extend, on a EA. There is much MORE to this story that you may not know. IMO
nylah Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I really don't understand how she could develop such stong feelings for him over such a short period of time. He met her when he started the job (about 3 months ago) and I found out about them within the first month and he quit the job a little over a month after he started. He told me that she is having problems in her marriage and she started to confide in him and at the same time she started heaping attention and affection on him and he admitted he enjoyed the attention but he never meant to lead her on. (I'm sure he is sugar coating to make him look like the good guy and we are trying to rebuild our marriage but it is just really hard to believe a word that comes out of his mouth right now) Thankyou for your reply. The reason I was asking about the affair is because I once had a wife following me around...I confronted her, and she told me that "her H had told her that he was seeing me, and that I was in love with him and a bunch of other lies"...in reality, I had only spoken to him a few times, once when I met him and a few times over the phone...and by the way, he never did mention he was even married....I told his wife exactly what was going on...NOTHING...she said "that he was using me to make her jealous, and a ton of other crazy stuff...but after talking to her, she never bothered me anymore...I also told her "that I would kill her a** if she ever came near me or my family again!"....I said all that to say that it was her H who had gotten that whole mess started....Obviously you are wondering why she's after you and not your H....Have you ever spoke to her all?? I bet she'd have a whole different story to tell....just be careful because it's hard telling what she might be thinking....
FireandIce Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 She is harassing you because she believes your H REALLY loves her and that you are bullying or forcing him into staying with you rather than being free to be with her. She thinks that she can torment you into leaving him and then he will be free to be with her. That's exactly what's going on because I've been in the same situation. We've finally gotten rid of her but it was pretty bad off and on for a couple of months. If she keeps it up then get a restraining order. That might make her wake up and realize what a complete nut she's being. Plus her husband will find out and then she won't have time to stalk you.
nylah Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 That's exactly what's going on because I've been in the same situation. We've finally gotten rid of her but it was pretty bad off and on for a couple of months. If she keeps it up then get a restraining order. That might make her wake up and realize what a complete nut she's being. Plus her husband will find out and then she won't have time to stalk you. "WE"VE"...finally gotten rid of her???....are you talking about you and your husband getting rid of the woman that he had an affair with??? OR are you saying that a woman was stalking you for no reason???...Did your husband have an EA with her or did she just fall in love with him from afar??? This is just too crazy!!
child_of_isis Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I'd say there is more to this story than what your H is telling you. When OW's cross the line like this, it is usually because MM has told her incredible stories and she is still believing them....or is having a hard time facing the fact that this man stole her heart, lied, and betrayed her. I think at this point, the OW's are as freaked as the W's get when first learning of the A.
nylah Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I'd say there is more to this story than what your H is telling you. When OW's cross the line like this, it is usually because MM has told her incredible stories and she is still believing them....or is having a hard time facing the fact that this man stole her heart, lied, and betrayed her. I think at this point, the OW's are as freaked as the W's get when first learning of the A. I agree....I would almost bet money that there is a completely different story to be told by the "crazy woman"....and even if he did steal her heart and she's hurt, that still doesn't explain why she would harrass the wife and not confront the husband....and she's married too.....all this madness over a EA that lasted only a month???.....I'm sorry, but I don't think so...
child_of_isis Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Well, I guess one could cover the usual excuses... W is going to take the children from him W threatened suicide W is going to clean him out financially W "made" him break it off. W will not give him a D. I am sure there are others. But the moral of the story is when he broke it off, he put the blame on W..... causing the wrath of the OW to go to W instead of MM. It wouldn't surprise me if she were pregnant. The aforementioned on top of a pregnancy could send her over the edge, I would think. If it were me, I would approach her and calm her down. Then I would talk to her and get the real truth. Most likely H has already planted the seed of "whacko OW" in the hopes of this not happening. This was a full blown A and has been going on for some time I bet. There is also a possibility that she threw her own H to the curb for the MM. Whatever it is...it runs deep.
nylah Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 That's it!!!....I was thinking the same thing....I bet she told her H and then when MM didn't tell his W, she made sure that W found out about her...okay, now that's making more sense....I still am wondering why she was cussing W out over the phone??? I forget...did W say how she found out about the EA/A???....Maybe she knew the girl prior to her H getting involved with her....? I don't know but it's terrible what he has done!!!
NoIDidn't Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I don't think anything further went on than the EA. Some people really do latch on to all of the lies and act out accordingly when things don't go the way that they thought they would. THink of this OW as having a psychotic break from reality once the A was outted and she was dumped. It is entirely possible that more was said to her in commencement of the EA than your H admitted to, but that's par for the course. But I doubt very seriously that they also had a PA unless this nut humped him in a car or an office closet at work. You would have noticed him being away more for a PA with the usual excuses that go into it (had to work late, meeting over dinner, new hire orientation, etc.). It took my H a few weeks to tell me what I had already suspected. He had an EA that would have become a PA had I not found out when I did. I found out the very night of their first meeting together but they were both too afraid to go any further than a kiss in a well-lit parking lot. What happened was more than enough of a betrayal of my trust. Maybe you should try to get her to calm down and tell you why she is behaving so crazy (like that's gonna happen, but one can dream). That, or tell your H that you need more details so that you can understand some of her behavior. What did he say about you to her? My H had his co-worker afraid of me thinking that once busted I would break her legs or something. They do this to keep us from wanting to get the truth. So talk to him and tell him you won't use the info against him, and mean it.
smartgirl Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 The people who are posting her need to get a grip. Did you see that she said he only met this woman 3 months ago. I don't care if they have been doing the horizontal tango for the last 2 months, that is not enough for her to act this way unless she is a total "Fatal Attraction." This woman is a stalker. I don't care if he did sc*** her, it doesn't explain her behavior. Some of the people on this forum sound like they are out of the 1800s. That because I man has sex with a woman, he owes her everything. She KNEW he was married. She is married. She has no claim or rights to ANYTHING. She was a fool for having sex or whatever with a married man. Or has the emotional maturity of a high school student. Lady, maybe your H did sleep with her. Maybe he didn't. Either way, the answer to your question is yes, she is crazy. My advice is to get your personal liability insurance up'd now as far as they will let you. This is a rider on your homeowner's insurance and covers you in the case of nuisance suits like this. She might sue, she might just try to taunt you. She felt better about herself because a Mm was paying attention to her. She is one of those women who feel better if the attention is at the expense of another woman. She is pathetic, insecure and delusional. This is way more emotional than I usually get, but it aggravates me to hear anyone give this psyco an inch of tolerance when she deserves nothing but condemnation. She will be a warning to your H for the rest of his life.
outofdarkness Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 A couple of months ago I found out my H was having an EA with a co worker. I confronted him about it, and he caved. The OW kept calling the house after he confessed and called her and told her he had hurt his family enough already and for her not to try to contact him again. Well, she called again not long after that while I was supposed to be at work and I answered the phone and she called me every name in the book. I told her I was not going to lower myself to her standards to tell her exactly what I think of her and hung up, then had my number changed. Well, about 4 days after that she started calling me a work and called me every name in the book again. My supervisor took care of that. Now, here recently on 3 seperate times, she has been following me. twice on my way to work, once from a shopping center in town. every time she follows me until I park and then she drives off, peeling rubber.I put a metal baseball bat in my car for my own protection but Why do you think she is harassing me? I would think she would be out stalking H instead. obsurd! Get a restraining order..What makes this different from any other creepy stalker? I wish one of my H's OW's WOULD do somehthing blatant like that so I COULD get a restraining order. Now, it's just the annoying hang up calls, etc...Good luck...ood
justice Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 The people who are posting her need to get a grip. Did you see that she said he only met this woman 3 months ago. I don't care if they have been doing the horizontal tango for the last 2 months, that is not enough for her to act this way unless she is a total "Fatal Attraction." This woman is a stalker. I don't care if he did sc*** her, it doesn't explain her behavior. Some of the people on this forum sound like they are out of the 1800s. That because I man has sex with a woman, he owes her everything. She KNEW he was married. She is married. She has no claim or rights to ANYTHING. She was a fool for having sex or whatever with a married man. Or has the emotional maturity of a high school student. Lady, maybe your H did sleep with her. Maybe he didn't. Either way, the answer to your question is yes, she is crazy. My advice is to get your personal liability insurance up'd now as far as they will let you. This is a rider on your homeowner's insurance and covers you in the case of nuisance suits like this. She might sue, she might just try to taunt you. She felt better about herself because a Mm was paying attention to her. She is one of those women who feel better if the attention is at the expense of another woman. She is pathetic, insecure and delusional. This is way more emotional than I usually get, but it aggravates me to hear anyone give this psyco an inch of tolerance when she deserves nothing but condemnation. She will be a warning to your H for the rest of his life.[/quote This is very sound advice. You may not know my story, but because of what you are telling us right here, we could be the same person. Above all else, take care of yourself first. Although you may love him and you may be trying to work your M out, your h is the one who brought this home to you. I agree, there is much more to this story than meets the eye, and you probably don't know the real version, when D day comes, the spouse who is doing the wrong will go to great lengths to cover his/her a$$, no matter what. Even though you may not hear or see the OW for a few days, she will come back. You need to stop her now before what happened to me happens to you. The OW in my case was so crazed that she nearly ruined my car, not to mention what she did to me emotionally and mentally. I took out a restraining order against her and my h did the same, she broke it, she went to jail, had a nice long spell to think over her actions while she was sitting in there. I thought there was more to what my H was telling me regarding his A, I dug deeper and sure enough there was alot more that he was leaving out. You can sense the lies. It didn't work for us, we are now divorced and I'm alot happier without all of the bullcrap. Good luck to you and yours, go get that restraining order before it gets worse. And yes, the OW in my case was Married also, she just didn't seem to care that by her actions against me, her h would find out. Don't let it get that far for you. In this day and age it is way too dangerous.
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 I have to say that I am kinda in the camp here that something more was going on than an EA. Women tend not to over-react like this unless there is a lot more to it. That said, her over-reaction in the situation is completely out of whack. You do need to take care of yourself and your family. I'm not sure what the law is in the USA but here in the UK a restraining order is all well and good, but if someone is determined it can be too little too late. Please make sure you file everything that has happened so far with your local law enforcement agency. They may not do anything now, but if things escalate, then they will have to act.
Author jj2007 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Thanks everyone for your replies. I do think more went on than what H is telling me and we have started MC. There were a couple of times over the course of a week that H told me he had to work overtime when later I found out they were getting off of work and going to bars together. I try to think that it was only a EA to keep from throwing up:sick: but I know that a PA could have happened. He told me it never got physical but I don't know for sure. Over the weekend H and I were out in town and I spotted her. H followed her into a gas station parking lot and told me to come on that we were going to find out what her problem was. So we went over to where she was parked. She got out and looked at H and said "well hello, how are you?" she wouldn't even look at me. H said, " We have a big problem. I already told you that you are a mistake that I regret and to leave me alone. I didn't know that I had to tell you to leave my wife alone too." she looked at him, batted her eyes, and told him that she had no idea what he was talking about!? That's when I spoke up and said," So you mean you don't remember following to work and when I parked you sped off? She said, "I have nothing to say to you b****." Then H said, "Listen, you have no right to talk to her like that! You will leave me and my family alone because if you ever harass my wife again, not only will we take out a restraining order but I will talk to your husband about what you are doing. Does he know you are out stalking my wife?!" She looked at him and said, "So you believe her?!" H said, "of course I believe her! She is not the one who has been lying about anything-we were! She has been hurt enough and she shouldn't have to worry about you following her around." she said, "well what about all that stuff you told me about her how she selfish, cold, and bitter and that you two have drifted apart, I thought you wanted to be with me!" (he did tell me he told her that and she talked to him about her H, I guess they had a pity party) H said, " I did tell you that but it was really none of your business and I never even thought about leaving my W for you. I was trying to be there for you as a friend but you read way too much into it. Let me make this perfectly clear, We never want to see you again." She started to cry and said "fine, if that's the way you feel about it." Then she got in her car and left. So now I don't know if she is really crazy or if H made her crazy by filling her head with BS lies. I didn't see her on my way to work this morning so I hope she will go back to her life and leave me alone.
Chinook Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 So now I don't know if she is really crazy or if H made her crazy by filling her head with BS lies. I didn't see her on my way to work this morning so I hope she will go back to her life and leave me alone. Jj, I think it's probably a bit of both. Now he has made things perfectly clear and she knows what the consequences are of her actions...hopefully things should improve.
Lynna Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 That was a wonderful thing that he did. He stood up for you, in person, in front of her. He was not afraid of anything that she would say, he would not take anything that she would say. If there had been anything going on, that would have been her chance to say it. She tried to hurt you by saying things that he had said, fortunately he had already talked with you about these things. If they had been together physically she WOULD have said something about that given her attitude. It sounds like she wanted to hurt you as much as possible and she gave it her best. You husband seems willing to own up to his mistakes. Yes, he let things go too far emotionally, but I still think it did not go to the physical. Yes, they probably hugged but if there was more you would have heard it that day from her. Keep going to the MC. Keep talking. Keep working on rebuilding your marriage. If you see her even ONCE more then take out the restraining order. She has now been warned three times, two phone messages and once in person. Just like a child who misbehaves, if you are not willing to follow through on the consequenses, the child has no reason to stop their bad behavior. If she shows up again, you have to follow through because she clearly won't listen.
FireandIce Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 "WE"VE"...finally gotten rid of her???....are you talking about you and your husband getting rid of the woman that he had an affair with??? OR are you saying that a woman was stalking you for no reason???...Did your husband have an EA with her or did she just fall in love with him from afar??? This is just too crazy!! I say "we've" because she was effecting both of our lives. She was calling the house when she knew he was at work and I'd be at home. She'd drive by the house at all hours. She'd call and then leave long messages but doesn't say anything (that was just strange). She'd get her sister to call me (they have very strong accents so I knew it was her right away) to say that my husband was with another woman right then and there. Too bad she didn't realize that I was on the other line with my husband at the time and he was at work. She basically tried to make my life a living hell so I'd give up and kick him out again. How do I know this? Well she's young and very stupid, she was friends with one of my husband's friends girlfriend and she told her all of this. Then in turn the friends girlfriend told me because she knew how hard all of this was on me and thought it would be easier if I knew what was going on and why. She's also called him repeatedly at work and left voice mail messages (they have call display and he didn't answer when she'd call) begging him to come back to her. She'd send him messages through his friends. She'd follow him home from work and when he'd pull into our street she'd take off like a maniac (I did happen to see it once because I was outside with the kids at the time). She's young and nuts. It's a long story but they had a PA and she fell in love. She was planning kids, marriage, everything. When I kicked him out she started shopping around for a place for them to live. When he refused she started getting more and more forceful. When I'd call him for something she'd try and grab the phone from him so she could "talk to me". I heard her in the background one time saying "don't call him anymore. he's mine!". Anyways, we're trying to work things out and it's going not bad but it's been a lot better since she's quit stalking us.
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