sao2 Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 2.5 weeks since break up, 1 week since no contact in effect. I find myself running an emotional gamut. We broke up because she is in a stressful situation overseas and couldn't handle being in a relationship at the moment. That is what she said at least, she has never lied to me and I trust her even now. The last time we talked she was adamant that she didn't want to close the door on us when things settled, yet some of her words contradicted. She stated that she didn't think we should see each other because she fears we would readily fall back into each others arms. She claimed to still love me and that she wanted to be with me in a perfect world. I told her I still wanted this and she should let me know if and when she feels strong enough to do it again. I also told her that if she was done for good it was better to just let me know rather than give me some false hope that she would come back. She would still not say she wouldn't come back. She needs time to clear her head. I know it hasn't been long, yet still it feels like eternity. Everyday I wonder is this the day she is going to call, and everyday I wish I cared a bit less. Then I don't want to let go for fear that when she comes back I will be emotionally unavailable to her. So what ends up happening is everyday I feel both better and then hours maybe minutes later I feel worse. BPD runs in my family and I have luckily been able to not be . . . yet now I feel like I am going in that direction. I feel anger and I feel love, anger at what I percieve as her selfishness, her inability to treat me like a priority, finally for giving up. I feel love recalling the time we spent together, when we were actually together it was amazing. We had the best times together. I feel love for the sweet things she did do to show me her love, even though it was few and far between. To be honest, the last few months she has not been herself, neither have I when I am completely honest. We both stepped into stressful new situations and we were unable to be a support system for each other from 6000 miles away. We were fighting about silly things, of course we didn't fight, we would have rational discussions that would end with us realizing that we had vastly different opinions about what a partnership should be and whether we were headed to partnership or not. We would both end up feeling crappy because we both gave what we thought the other wanted and neither of us got what we wanted. In the end we just went too long without seeing each other. So I wait, I told her the best birthday present I could get was an email from her telling me her return and that she wants to see me . . . My birthday is 3 weeks away now . . . it feels like eternity.
funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Mate all of the above, forget it, shes just keeping you on hold. Simple IF SHE LOVED YOU SHE WOULD BE WITH YOU AND SHE WOULD VALUE YOU THROUGH HER STRESSFUL TIME. Stay no contact, and walk my freind, walk.......................its over.
Author sao2 Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Thanks, I know, and I know this is the same story played out with different characters yet "she is different". I need a version of myself from 3 years ago to come and slap me around. With time I will heal, no contact is actually easy though. It's what she needs. I can not go back to what the relationship was and I know that. It would have to be different, a different dynamic. The only way it could be a different dynamic is if for one she contacts me . . . This weekend I am going to a festival where hopefully I can meet some attractive local girls. I have lived here for a full year and have yet to meet anyone that I would consider dating, I need to open my eyes.
funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 With time I will heal, no contact is actually easy though. It's what she needs. I can not go back to what the relationship was and I know that. It would have to be different, a different dynamic. The only way it could be a different dynamic is if for one she contacts me . . . This weekend I am going to a festival where hopefully I can meet some attractive local girls. I have lived here for a full year and have yet to meet anyone that I would consider dating, I need to open my eyes. There you go walk away, dont be on the burner, dont give her the chance to call when she just needs a 'freind' who wants to be friends with some1 you in love with! If you feel confident to date cool, but theres nothing wrong with taking time out until you get over this relationship, and so you aviod dragging baggage into your next relationship.
Author sao2 Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 No No, we both were very clear that friendship was not in the cards for the time being. Maybe someday but we are both feeling pretty hurt by the situation. Matter of factly we both agreed that it was not working for the time being. She did not feel strong enough to work on it anymore, I got left holding the ball.
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