Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Hi, I have been reading your boards for several weeks now and thought, that I am now ready to share my story. It all started 4 years ago, when after a bitter divorce, I met a guy online. We emailed for weeks and then started to phone, eventually after 3 months we decided to meet. The first meeting, it was obvious, that we were going to take this relationship further, and with weeks we were a " couple " . There was one problem, in that he lived, 300 miles away, so it would have to be a w/e relationship to start with. That all went well, and after about 6 months, he moved in ........ unfortunately, it was a disaster, looking back, I think it was just, to much to quickly for me, anyway we had a disagreement, he walked out and subsequently crashed his car, whilst driving back home. He was not injured, but badly shaken, and blamed me completely. He refused to accept responsibilty, for any of the events, and subsequently began to " make me suffer ". He would not even talk about reconciliation, he started to date his ex girlfriend again ( who is 10 years older than me - I am 45 ( so is he )and who, he told me, he has been in an on and off relationship with for 5 years ) Because I felt so guilty, I accepted this, and did everything I could to get him back. That was not that difficult really, as whilst seeing her, he was calling me almost every day, writing me endless letters, emails texts etc.... Well after 6 months, he said lets me up, we did and ended up back together. So for the next 20 months, we were together again, although only at w/e. Now, I have a demanding career, and financially independent, with my own home etc....he has a manual job ( not a problem for me...but a huge issue with him ) he lives with his parents ( after his divorce 7 years ago ) and has little money. ( he hated my friends, who had careers etc.... ) So I paid for amost everything, including holidays etc...etc... ( which I really did not mind ) Anyway, just recently, I have felt myself beginning to resent this, as he seemed to have become to expect this now. Well 5 weeks ago we went to the Maldives............it was a holiday of a lifetime, but he was moody and I was in tears, I said " I think our relationship is in trouble as I am so unhappy " he just told me it was all in my mind. We arrived home, he didnt even say " thankyou for taking me " so I said to him, this can't continue, to which he just walked out...........( something he always does when I say or do something he does not like " ) or else he would just sulk or be in a terrible mood. Only this time I did not run after him. After a week on n/c he emailed me to say he didnt feel loved or secure with me WTF !!!! I emailed back saying I had no idea why on earth he would say that. I then decided, that email was so inpersonal, so I wrote him a letter, and it was from the heart................... To which he sent an email saying " I dont think it was fair to send me that letter...why could you not have sent it a week earlier " I thought what a strange thing to say, it has only been 10 days since we fell out. Well the reason he said that, was because within a week, he was back with the Ex again !!!! I then emailed him to say I was not prepared to play games, my emotions were simply to fragile .. and would not contact him again .. to which he replied " thankyou " THANKYOU AFTER 4 YEARS !!! Needless to say I was devastated, and then he emailed me again to ask how I am and what I am doing at work etc...etc... To which, I simply did not reply................as I can see history repeating itself, where he is with her and has me in the background. So I am now 14 days and n/c........................ It hurts and I feel s**t.............and used and all number of horible emotions..................... I would appeciate any comments.....good or bad..... Thankyou
Interpersonal Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 You have lived a life you know what you want, you don't need anything or anyone. You have learnt enough leasons in your own life to know what you want. And was he really it or were you just scared of being alone and decided to settle?
Author Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 I was not afraid to settle at all, I just found his moods with me so difficult. I do not understand why he felt insecure .......... and if so why he did not say so.............and how less than a week later he is back with her.......... How ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Interpersonal Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 The worst thing is you will never ever know. Don't punish yourself by going over things in your mind thinking about what you could have done, should have done to change this. Somethings are just the way they are. The only thing you need to try and do is accept it and try and move on. Hell I know it's easier said then done. As Im typing this I realise I still do it myself.
Author Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 I know, I have been reading these boards, and I find it incredible, that another human being can inflict so much pain on another .... with it seems, no concern at all. I keep telling myself " an ex is an ex for a reason " and that the damage is done now, as know I could never go back with him, as I could no longer trust him, I would always be thinking, if we have a disagreement, she will be there waiting, and I don't want to be like her ..... my life on hold until he decides to come back. I have to have a career, as I have two children to support on my own, but he could not understand that, he said he didnt want to share me........I am so confused......
Interpersonal Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 We all need to come to terms with how the other person felt about us.
spookie Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I know, I have been reading these boards, and I find it incredible, that another human being can inflict so much pain on another .... with it seems, no concern at all. I keep telling myself " an ex is an ex for a reason " and that the damage is done now, as know I could never go back with him, as I could no longer trust him, I would always be thinking, if we have a disagreement, she will be there waiting, and I don't want to be like her ..... my life on hold until he decides to come back. I have to have a career, as I have two children to support on my own, but he could not understand that, he said he didnt want to share me........I am so confused...... There's nothing to be confused about. Your ex is an immature user *********. I think your kindheartedness is preventing you from even believing that people like him exist. People so selfish and narcissistic that they really think everyone else exists for the sole purpose of executing their desires. Think about what you have given in this relationship, and think about what you have gotten in return. Not much, huh? The companionship of someone who will leave you (for someone else!) the minute he doesn't get his way. You can do better than this. Being alone would be better. Think of your children, the example you are setting for them. Think of the resources (time, money, love) that you are putting into this loser that can go instead to your kids. It's not worth it to be in a relationship that takes away from you without giving back. Can you see yourself treating him the way he has treated you? Would you ever treat someone you cared about this way? Would you let someone act this way toward your kids? Probably not, and you shouldn't settle for this crap for yourself, either.
Author Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Wow, that made me think .............. I did find him very immature, and I was forever saying sorry, mainly because I could not stand the moods................ I gave 110% to him, and in return what ?????? Thinking about it ......................... you know I can't think of anything............. It became so bad< that I dreaded listening to my voicemail if when at work I couldnt answer his calls as he would leave really s***ty messages. But it does hurt, and maybe I dont want to face the fact he was using me for a life he was unable to make for himself. I expect she is laughing her socks of now !!!! It makes me feel physically sick
Chinook Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 People so selfish and narcissistic that they really think everyone else exists for the sole purpose of executing their desires. That spookie, she speaks sense. Do me and yourself a favour... google the term "narcissistic personality disorder". Read up on it. Look at the character traits this guy has. He may not have been out and out NPD but he definitely did have a tendency towards it. What you have to realise is that this relationship wasn't about YOU. This relationship was about HIM. He does not and can not have any empathy towards your feelings and shattered emotions. He doesn't CARE because he can't fathom what that means. That's how he can move on so quickly. You'll need a little while to get your head around that one. When you do, you'll realise that what he did with HIS emotions was called "mirroring". He told you he didn't feel loved and cared for because you weren't fulfilling his desires any longer...and you weren't fulfilling his desires because YOU were uncared for and unloved. He probably believed that too. The thing is, they're not a reflection of his true emotions - you simply cut off his narcissistic supply - the adoration and care which reinforces the love of himself. Like I said, this isn't about you, it's about him. Read as much as you can (it will distract you). Cut off all contact from this guy because it is NEVER going to work out unless YOU accept his terms and his lifestyle and you have already been through enough with him to know that you can't accept that. Also, keep talking and keep healing.
funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 He cant be alone, bottom line, and he is very insecure, and that has nothng to do with you, and theres not much you can do about it. My ex was the same it it drove me away from her. Your better to find out now rather than later, when you could have had to go through a nasty split. Leave him to the new relationship, dont take him back, and dont reply to any more contact. God if a woman would do for me what you did, i would never let her go, cos you love him, and you could'nt have made it clearer. Your best off out, and leave them to it. Like me your far enough away that when you go into no contact, you dont have see him.
Author Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 :eek:I have just googled ................. It was like reading his discription.... I want to ask something ..... and I am not sure if this is going to make me look a complete idiot .... but here goes.... He had on his arm, one tattoo, of an Eagle .... but on that Eagle was a name...........his own !!! after reading that narcissit stuff ... which I had never heard of before I am beginning to wonder ........... oh and another thing the screen saver on his mobile phone ... was a picture of himself.eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkkk now I truly do feel sick.... how could I not have wondered about those things before !!!!!!!!!!!
funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Basically these people are selfish, elf centred they cant talk about anything emotional, they oftren have money problems, and they often drag old relationships around on there back. They let you worry for them while they go out and party, they change fast from angry to happy to angry. They are people that you wanna get away from, they need real help. i went through all of this. They give you an impression of a decent human, until your in the relationship, then you see all the crap. And you know whats the worst. They get in your head, and before you know it everything is about tthem, you lose who you are, and after the split, you have to take time out to rediscover who you were, they drain you emotionally, thats why its so hard to get them out your head. You have to walk away, as hard as it sounds, cos he can always walk away without real emotion, WE CANT.
Author Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Yes he was always moaning he had no money. When I fist met him, he was the most romantic man you could ever wish for ........... he would go from happy to angry with me in an instant, and I often did not know what I had done. I am now wondering about his ex wife ( not the exgirfriend ) as she upped and left overnight, took her children and went into rented accommodation not telling him where she had gone. When I asked him why he siad she was an evil witch. I only ever spoke to her once, and I asked her why did you leave, and ALL SHE SAID was " he was a control freak " The ex-girlfriend, is 55, 10 years older than him and totally worships him, hence she just waits and waits for him, to go out with me, and then when we argue, she takes him back.... OMG I think I may have had a truly lucky escape......................... This is scary stuff !!!!!!!
funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Dont belive anything he says about the ex wife, i had all the same the ex hubby was this and that, and at first i belived it, but not now, i think she drove him ti the crap he did, i was with her, and he sent her a text as long as t gets what t wants nothing else matters. There you go, he had a selfish bitch as i did, and he had two kids with her, and he really loved her, i know this. Now after being away from her, i think think he cares if she died tomorrow! cos he realised what she was. As i have, and you will, but they dont care, cos they have there new toy. she would not divorce him, another trait, yet wanted me to buy him out..no way. They drag crap around from relationship to relationship, she went from him to me to another guy in the space of days. They show no emotion whike they do it, and iof they do, its only to get what they want.i found that out the hard way. Don teven try to work them out, you wont, Walk away and now, ignor anything, cos its for them, and not you.
Chinook Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 OMG I think I may have had a truly lucky escape Yep. You have. Now you know what you're dealing with. Now, you can decide how to go forward. As I said, this relationship wasn't about you or your feelings. It was about him. The tattoo and picture on the phone is weird even for an NPD. As for the ex-es and their opinions of him, I wouldn't bother contacting them again, it will only fuel his rage at you. You've had a lucky escape, as Funky says...it's time to put it down to experience, time to pick yourself up and move ahead with life. You'll have to learn like alot of us here at LS, how to deal with your trust issues and your commitment to others....because the risk with this is, you turn out to be just like them. The risk is that you can't reach in deep enough to your emotions to share them and the risk with that is, it becomes all about you rather than learning to love and trust again. You need to take time to heal - surround yourself with people you love and trust. I myself have two friends I have relied upon whose words and deeds I trust and that is helping.
Author Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 [sIZE=4]The Abuse[/sIZE] [sIZE=4]Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder.[/sIZE] [sIZE=4]The narcissist idealises and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealisation. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealise and then devalue. This is THE core narcissistic behaviour. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse.[/sIZE]
funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 And there very good at it, to the point that you question yourself as a person, and what you have done. I am a very strong and sensitive person, and i did luckly for me keep half a gaurd up in the relationship, because i felt something was not right, and i was right. People and emotions are just toys to these people. I cant say for sure if she was that, but she had many of the traits, and i wish i lookied into it sooner than later, but of course by then, its too late, your sucked in and you dont know better. i did dump her for the resons mentioned, but like a fool went back to her. But now iv been in no contact, im healing fast and well, think of it like giving up smoking, its hard, but youll be a lot healty after the addiction has let go of you.
Chinook Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 The Abuse Abuse is an integral, inseparable part of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. The narcissist idealises and then DEVALUES and discards the object of his initial idealisation. This abrupt, heartless devaluation IS abuse. ALL narcissists idealise and then devalue. This is THE core narcissistic behaviour. The narcissist exploits, lies, insults, demeans, ignores (the "silent treatment"), manipulates, controls. All these are forms of abuse. It is abuse, you're right. The problem is, the NPD doesn't see it that way. He or she sees it that they're simply fighting for what they need in a relationship. He or she doesn't see that their expectations and desires are unreasonable. He or she doesn't see that their emotional commitment is radically different to yours. What's more, they can't/don't/won't see that it is in fact, they who have the problem. So when he or she walks away (because usually you can't) they don't see that they're hurting you at all. Also, please try not to blame yourself for not seeing it. He created an illusion which you thought was real. The person you fell in love with, doesn't exist. He never did. The person you have spent all your time being frustrated with and being hurt by...that's the person who exists. There is nothing you can do to change how things are, you can only heal yourself and move forward (I hate to say 'move on' because it isn't that easy).
funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Can i just add to that. Whatever they are, or have done, it still does not get away from the fact that we were or are the ones left hurt upset and full of questions. No break up is easy for whatever reason, and you still have the same emotions in you that any person would who is greivibg a loss. You have to start thinking of you, and try to put the wheels in motion to heal yourself, no matter what the ex is doing, it now has nothing to do with us, they have a new life, and for now a better one than they had with us, and you can be sure they are treating them with love (or at least they think it is) and so do we have a new life. And how we handle the split is how we personaly do things. If they move to some1 new, good luck to them, after a while you wont feel bitter or angry with them. if you need time out to be alone and greive do it.
Author Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Hi again, I have noticed your quote several times, and would like to say, I lost my parents when I was very young..... Your never " get over it " all you can hope for, in time, is the ability to " learn to live with it "
Chinook Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Can i just add to that. Whatever they are, or have done, it still does not get away from the fact that we were or are the ones left hurt upset and full of questions. No break up is easy for whatever reason, and you still have the same emotions in you that any person would who is greiving a loss. Funky is right. What is past, is done now. It cannot be changed and there is little point in analysing it or in wishing things were different. The process of healing and taking care of yourself is what matters now. For me, that process was stilted to start with because I hung on to what he was to start with. Funky told me over and over last week that I was in no way going to get him back. I went through emailing him, texting and even talking on the phone. It was only when I hit my own realisation that things would never work because of WHO and HOW he is, that I could finally take control of the runaway rollercoaster I felt he had me on. Now...nothing he says or does has any effect on me. He has tried emailing my friends this week and he's tried to alienate me from them. But I really don't care. All I care about is moving forward and healing myself so that like Funky, I don't take this crap with me into another, more rewarding relationship.
Author Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 I want to ask something ..... and I am not sure if this is going to make me look a complete idiot .... but here goes.... He had on his arm, one tattoo, of an Eagle .... but on that Eagle was a name...........his own !!! after reading that narcissit stuff ... which I had never heard of before I am beginning to wonder ........... oh and another thing the screen saver on his mobile phone ... was a picture of himself. Has anyone ever known any other man to do this ????
Author Aliddy Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 All I care about is moving forward and healing myself so that like Funky, I don't take this crap with me into another, more rewarding relationship................................... What an admirable thing to say, you know, I think we need to take time, to heal ourselves, we have been victims, of a cruel game. But then again are we really victims, as we have the ability to love and respect others, to communicate with understanding. They " the ex's " have nothing inside of them that even resembles a conscience, they will stumble through life, never knowing or understanding what true " love " is. To me that without doubt makes them condemmed to a life, of uncertainty and doubt. I know which one I would choose.
Chinook Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Same here. But to answer your question about the tattoo & screensaver, nope... never known it. That's weird even for NPD.
funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Hi again, I have noticed your quote several times, and would like to say, I lost my parents when I was very young..... Your never " get over it " all you can hope for, in time, is the ability to " learn to live with it " Exactly , and she said that in v.tines day, and also told me to piss off at the same time. my reaction= 'you should put your arms around me and hold me.not say that!' and you know what, she cried because her mum found a lump on her breast, not for her mum, and her reaction oh my god, i might get it!!! Aw selfish selfish, god if i get started on it....but i dont want to!
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