tk180days Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 I'm new to this sight - My H left 11 weeks ago and I'm doing the 180 - I'd love imput from the guy perspective. We had a fight while he was drinking and he said it was over and that he didn't love me anymore etc. I just told him to slow down and take some time to think about it. He moved out 3 days later and leased an apt for 6 months. He sees me at least once a week, usaully Sundays. He always hugs me super tight when he greets me and says bye. He accepts some invites to do stuff. I don't call, beg all the "Don'ts" just stay up and friendly when I see him. Take my time returning calls - lost a few pounds, try to always look my best. Anyhow he still is wearing his ring etc - but the waiting is killing me. I asked him what he wasn't happy about, he said it's not me - that he just doesn't feel it. The only thing we ever really fight about is his drinking. I asked him to leave once and after a few days he came home and agreed he needed help etc. He agreed to go to AA and other stuff and it was good almost made 90 days dry. Thats what I think the problem is - but I think it's easier for him to say he doesn't love me, becuase he slipped etc. The problem with all that is what do when your spouse says they just don't love ya? I just figure for now I'll just continue to not give him any reason to want to end the marriage. I'm nice when I see him - but I don't go out of my way. Anyhow that's my story. Any imput you ladies and gentleman?
child_of_isis Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Drop all contact. No invites, no hugging, no spending Sundays together, no return phone calls. He'll not make a decision until he has to. Right now he doesn't have to. Because he still gets to talk to you, spend time with you, hug you, blah blah. Let him see what life is without you. I mean REALLY without you.
Author tk180days Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Thanks - I think that would be the next step for me. I wanted him to have some recent good stuff to think about. So he could realize that even in the storm, I'm a great wife. I'm not a door mat, again there is no sex going on, or anything. I don't call him or nag him to make a desion. His apt only has a few more months before the lease expires - so he's really going to need to start thinking about things. Also, our anniversary is around the corner too. - thats going to be GREAT!
quiet1one1 Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Drop all contact. No invites, no hugging, no spending Sundays together, no return phone calls. He'll not make a decision until he has to. Right now he doesn't have to. Because he still gets to talk to you, spend time with you, hug you, blah blah. Let him see what life is without you. I mean REALLY without you. Not sure if Child is a guy but I am and I agree with Child. Try and break off all contact. Especially the lovey stuff! Also, let your H know it's ok that he slips and will prob slip again. Support his efforts. Don't condone or enable him.
Curmudgeon Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I'm a guy and I agree with the others. As long as he doesn't HAVE to make a decision he likely won't. As long as your accessible and pleasant and make no demands of him he has no incentive to get off the fence. Distance yourself without malice. If he asks why simply tell him it's fifficult to be around him under the circumstances as well as painful -- that you'd rather do without than just have scraps. Just be aware that he could go in either direction at that point and make sure you're willing to take the risk. Best of luck, however it plays out!
Author tk180days Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Curmudgeon: I agree with you - all of you. He needs to feel what it's like without me. I am detaching and I'm aware I will get to a point were I will want a desion. However, I have to be completely ready to move on without him. My s/daughter and I will still have a relationship no matter what - thats very important to me. When he first left I told him in a letter that I that I would be okay - but for both of us to take sometime to think it through. That I was going to respect the time he wanted apart from each other-not bug him etc. Pretty much all the contact has been made on his end - if he calls I'll return the call. I never talk about the drinking either. He knows I'm staying busy, because he calls the house and ends up calling my cell because I don't answer at home. I'm realy hopeful - You know hoping for the best preparing for the worst. He even helps me with money, still wearing his ring too. He told me he missed me once I thought that was pretty positive. He also sugguested lunch a few weekends ago. I don't think he'd want to see me or have any contact (Oh no SEX or anything like that going on) with me if he was sure he wanted out. He knows I won't do this forever - he's not that way either. Cuting all contact will likely force him to think about it more, and hopefully make a choice on his own. But right now I'm not ready to force him into making a descion, because I'm not ready to go on without him. Thanks - everyone.
Author tk180days Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Well I saw him twice this week. He works at one of the offices I do business with. He was super friendly and even asked me what I was doing for lunch. Then he tells me that he has plans with a client and that he thought about how he could bring me along. What??? Why would he even say that if - he couldn't? Anyhow - I'm doing a lot of work at the house and he said he would give me a hand picking stuff up and helping out too. I said great - the fact is I can do most of it - but some of the big stuff I do need his help. Money is so tight - if not I'd just pay for someone else to help me finish. I want my home in order and I think that's a good sign to him too. I'm kind of moving on in the sense that I'm not waiting for him to come home before I pick replacement furniture and other stuff. The other thing is he encouraged me to but it on our joint credit card. Oh, then he asked me if I could make him a dental appointment. Funny - I felt like I should since he is being so good to me. I hate this!!! We get along great and it's just like we are wasting time & money being apart. I want to ask him whats up? When are you coming home? Would you like to come home? I want you to come home? Do you want start living like H & W again? What the heck do I say - I guess the thing is I need to just back off after all this nice stuff and see how he responds. I hate this - I want our lives back. I miss touching him, seeing him, making love, laughing together, sharing my meals. I know how to live alone and make the best of things - but I rather share my life with him. It's our second M - and I sure don't want a Div! I was single for 5 plus years & him 10 before we got married. I'm staying busy - doing alot of stuff for myself, that's not an issue for me. I'm not the type of gal that is uncomfortable going to dinner or a movie alone etc. The tough part is sometimes you'd like company and it hard to find people my age who don't have a family & have time. And I sure can't hang with single men that would send the wrong msg. My H fell over the edge of the cliff and I've been standing there with a rope. Pretty soon I'm just going to have to tie it to a tree and see if he'll climb up and find me! I want this to work and I deep down I think it will - the time apart, not knowing how long sucks! Yah - I'm doing things for me, hobbies, the gym, home improvements etc, but that doesn't replace the simple things between H & W that are so dear to me. Okay one day at a time....
Ladyjane14 Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 I'm sorry, but there's NO WAY that I'd allow my own husband to treat me like some random date. I'm either ALL IN or ALL OUT. And that's what I expect from my mate. Neither of us are tolerant of "playing games". What you're doing right now is similar to the MarriageBuilder's "Plan A" whereby you try to gently convince him that you're a superior partner. And that may well work for you. I don't know. But I have to wonder if in some ways you end up creating your own monster when you utilize this kind of strategy. I have no problem doing "Plan A" with a partner who is committed to recovery. But... I just get a nagging feeling that when you "Plan A" a WAYWARD partner, you're not introducing enough REALITY to the situation. In reality, if you and he divorce, are you going to be making his dental appointments for him? Are you going to tolerate the "let's be friends" gambit when you bump into him? Right now, he's got a wife who's jumping through hoops, but he's not compelled to reciprocate in any way. It's a GOOD DEAL when you can get it, right? What impetus does he have to give all that up and come home?
Author tk180days Posted July 20, 2007 Author Posted July 20, 2007 Hi LJ14: It's not easy by any means to do this - I'm trying to see what his reponse is to all of this. In his brain " we're not a match". Well, then why does he choose to hang out with me - right? What he says is not as important as what he does. And right now everything he does is still saying I want to be around this person and I care about her etc. I won't allow this forever by any means, but I'm not ready to force him to decide now. I'm not ready to hear he isn't interested in working on the M - or that's its over. When I have backed off from him, he seems to find a reason to connect with me. I've been reading Divorce Busters and there is alot of encouraging methods in that book too. Timing is what I'm waiting for - to see if he is responding like he wants to be togther. Then I'l request what I want and ready to do, or live without. Till then it's "Act as if" & "Fake it till you make it". He is not the type of guy you force to make a choice - control issues - it has to be his idea. Hey - what is a few months or even a year when you compare it to a possible life time together. Somethings require time and are worth waiting for - " Love is patient love is kind,... it keeps no record of wrongs, love endures long suffering". I'm holding on to those truths - if it doesn't work out at least I responded in Love and I can live with that. "He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity and honor"
jmargel Posted July 20, 2007 Posted July 20, 2007 He's pulling the strings and you are dancing like a puppet. The root of this problem is his drinking and he's very good at sidetracking this fact. He has you chasing him like a puppy and even if he comes back to you it's only a matter of time before he does this again. He will have you so controlled that you will be afraid of saying anything about his drinking because of fear of him leaving. Unfortunetly this type of control can esculate into abuse both verbal and physical and have you in a relationship that you are too scared to leave. Do you really want this? It's time for you to make the decisions and start controlling your life. Give him the ultamatium, either AA and MC or you are gone. You have to stop allowing yourself to be disrespected and dragged through the mud in this. He doesn't feel sorry for doing this to you. It's because he is taking you for granted, he's so comfortable with you he knows he can do all of this and you will still want him. It's not about love to him, it's about ego now.
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