IntrovertedRomantic Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Back in 2000 I had a summer romance with a woman that I met when she sent me an email about a website that I keep. At first it was long distance, with us writing, then instant messaging, then telephoning (sometimes for twelve hours a day; sleep could be hard to come by). In time, I packed up some essentials and went to California to be with her, but that didn't last very long because of the whole culture shock and "instant family" aspect of it, plus the unrealistic expectations that we both had after only knowing one another for a couple months at that time. After a short time there I finally got her to take me so I could catch a flight back to Texas. It was our intention that I should come back in a few months and I would get my own place for a while so we could integrate our lives over time. However, I was too insecure at the time and got upset when an ex of hers who was moving down south came and spent the night at her place and I imagined that they had slept together (and her only response to that was, "what happened is only for him and I to know," which didn't help matters at all). Of course, I broke it off and only contacted her once to ask for a few things I'd left at her home. She sent them, along with some mementos that she'd kept (but not all of them). In total, our relationship was only about three and a half months. In that time I felt something very special that I never felt with another woman before or since, and sometimes I wonder if she was "the one," even though I don't necessarily subscribe to the concept of a soulmate or best match in that way. Since then I went through a five month rebound relationship with a woman closer to home, and then met another woman who lived in northern California. We met in Vegas for an extended vacation together, then I visited her every couple weeks. Finally, after a few months of that she came out to see Texas, and the next month she packed up and moved to Texas for us to live together. Now, after being together for almost six years, we're married and own a home here in Texas. Nonetheless, I still think about the ex. I miss her. I miss her in that way that you feel deep down in the pit of your stomach. She used to say that our charts showed that we would part and come together again someday, and deep down I hope that it's true even though I know that's unreasonable. I just know I am still in love with her. Now, I know I love my wife, that's not in doubt at all. I don't believe that you can only love one person, but I do believe that being in love with two women can cause real problems. I just can't seem to turn that part of my feelings off, because despite the years, distance and silence the love stubbornly persists. I would normally be content to live with all this and push the feelings down, except that this ex lives in a resort area where a major wildfire occurred earlier this month and destroyed a lot of homes and other structures. Almost immediately I was torn about seeking her out and contacting her to make sure she was all right, and I voraciously read the news from the area. (I did see one place where she wrote a letter to the editor of the local paper against the local fireworks display on the fourth of July not being canceled, a sentiment that I had shared a couple days before with friends at work; I found it funny that we were still on the same page after all these years.) Once my wife found out I had taken an interest in the fire and the local news she was a little upset. She knows about the ex and I think she has an inkling that I still have some feelings (although perhaps not the extent of them). I wanted to reach out to my ex to let her know I still care, so finally I settled on sending a "thinking of you" card to the last physical address I could find for her. It simply said that she had touched my life in a special way, when I heard of the fire I thought of her, and I hope her and hers are well and safe. I didn't include a phone number or email, but I did put a return address on the envelope. I mailed it off, and once I let it go and I heard it fall into the pile at the post office my stomach churned. What if she doesn't even remember me, and I'm just a chump? What if she writes back? What if, as unlikely as it is, she misses me, too? What if she tracks me down and calls my house? The drama and pain that could ensue boggles the mind. There is no way I can tell my wife about the extent of the feelings I have for the ex, because we're already having a few small problems (but nothing that can't be corrected by vacation, healthier eating, more sleep and both of us being less stressed at/with work). A lot of me hopes for silence from my card, but some of me hopes she writes and we can at least be friends again. I know that is unlikely at best, and the possibility of losing her again is too much to bear. If there were still something there... well, that's a whole new Hell to deal with. Other than suffering in silence, what can I do?
kyraj516 Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 it's a lil' weird to read this coming from a man. I noticed no one had yet responded. It seems that when women post their feeling like this...they get flooded with advice. Anyway, I am a woman, and I found myself relating to you. Missing an ex...moving on, but still inside there is something. Even if they hurt you emotionally. It's crazy. You reached to her...I think that was ok. I say that you may need closure because you have married. Don't get too excited if she responds...and don't be down if she doesn't. Think about what you have now, and don't let the small problems (which most normal couples have) intervene, and cause you to jeopardize your marriage with thoughts of rekindling what you once had with your ex. That response she gave you..."What happened is for him and I to know." Was kinda cold and I would've left to. She could've simply said...nothing happened, I just let him crash. Instead she showed total disregard for you, the relationship between the two of you, and your feelings. That was a person who was playing games. You may think of her, and how you felt when you were with her...but try thinking about your wife now and why you married her. I bet you couldn't imagine your wife saying such a thing. When someone touches you with love...it is hard to let go, but we have to. I wouldn't try to contact her anymore. I'm sure this would hurt your wife if she knew...and I don't think you're the kind of man who'd want to hurt someone emotionally seeing as how you've experienced that pain. ...and are still holding onto some of it. If she responds...read it...and then discard it. Don't hold on to it. If she doesn't...think nothing of it. In the meantime keep on healing...and be glad you've found someone else to love. Real love that's been worth six years of your life. Be happy.
Author IntrovertedRomantic Posted July 14, 2007 Author Posted July 14, 2007 Kyraj, thanks for the response! Yes, I was hoping to be flooded with advice, myself, but perhaps that's not in the cards. But yes, I know I need closure, at the very least. I'm just not quite sure where to find it. The card I sent came back from her local post office today because her forwarding for that address had expired. I had mixed feelings because while I was sad that I could not let her know my thoughts were with her and I have no way to contact her (and being this late after the event, it'd be a little weird to send it again even if I found a new address, I guess), I was glad that she wasn't at that address anymore since according to the news it had suffered damage in the wildfire. A mixed blessing of sorts. So, it's the worst of both worlds -- I got my hopes up and then nothing came of it, except perhaps some knowledge that the chances are she and her son escaped unharmed. I guess "ya pays yer money and youse takes yer chances," but I can't help but feel like the universe is having a good chuckle at my expense.
underpants Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 Now, I know I love my wife, that's not in doubt at all. There is no way I can tell my wife about the extent of the feelings I have for the ex, because we're already having a few small problems (but nothing that can't be corrected by vacation, healthier eating, more sleep and both of us being less stressed at/with work). A lot of me hopes for silence from my card, but some of me hopes she writes and we can at least be friends again. I know that is unlikely at best, and the possibility of losing her again is too much to bear. If there were still something there... well, that's a whole new Hell to deal with. Other than suffering in silence, what can I do? Dude, you are married. Time to make a commitment. Maybe that returned letter was the universe telling you this. I don't mean to come of harsh, but come on. Yes, you can be thankful that you had an electric fling in the past. However this was not enough to sustain a committed deep marriage to her. You have that now. Why are you seeking a way to ...f it up. Work on your marriage or don't. Don't deceptively seek to hurt your partner and ultimately yourself. Find a way to make some electric magic with the woman that chose you and who you chose. I hope you can let go of a moment in your past to gain a deep connection that will carry you for a lifetime. Regards, Unders
Author IntrovertedRomantic Posted July 14, 2007 Author Posted July 14, 2007 Dude, you are married. Time to make a commitment. Maybe that returned letter was the universe telling you this. Actually, it has more to do with when the forwarding request was posted with the USPS versus the time of me mailing the card. "The universe telling [me] this" is a little too handwavy for me. Don't deceptively seek to hurt your partner and ultimately yourself. Find a way to make some electric magic with the woman that chose you and who you chose. I hope you can let go of a moment in your past to gain a deep connection that will carry you for a lifetime.Would that I could, I would have done this already. I know your implication is that I'm not committed to my wife because of having these feelings, but that doesn't change the reality that they exist. I have a place in my heart for both of them, for better or for worse. It has no bearing on my love for or commitment to my wife. I wish I had this same connection to my wife, but I don't think that the ineffable quality that makes up the essence of the connection I feel for the ex is present between us. It's just not there. I feel a connection, of course, but not like that. The alternative is just to keep pushing it aside and let it creep back in over and over, I suppose. It's just becoming tiresome to deal with it over and over.
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 The card I sent came back from her local post office today because her forwarding for that address had expired. I had mixed feelings because while I was sad that I could not let her know my thoughts were with her and I have no way to contact her Take this as a sign. That's your closure...Make it your closure. She is your past. A relationship, built of fantasy and fun feelings, long distance and then hooking up IRL (in real life) didn't work out --> THAT is the reality. Sorry that this is still bothering you, but you really need to make peace with it and move on. Not only for your sake, but for your wife and marriage. It's unfair to still be so in the past about her when you have a wife infront of you. If you find it's still bothering you, get some therapy to help you cope and let go...... Yes, this has nothing to do with your wife, but it will affect your marriage if you don't move past this. Good luck!
MagnoliaJane Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 IntrovertedRomantic, What I would like to say to you is that real life can never compete with fantasies about "what could have been". I myself am still learning that the hard way too. You write about a woman "who has touched you", but after three and a half months you can not possibly know that woman all too well. So that leaves you with a feeling that you have projected onto her. Like you are looking in a mirror. At yourself. I don't mean by this that you have to discard your feelings. They are important. But maybe this is not really about this woman. Maybe this is about you, and your feelings about where you stand in a relationship. You see, we can be in a meaningful relationship but not be present, mentally, in that relationship. And then things can start taking on a life of their own. You say you love your wife, but you don't feel as "connected" to her. That is an important statement. How have you tried to connect with your wife in the past, and what came out of that? It's kind of hard to establish a "connection" with someone if your mind is someplace else. I'd say: don't give up, spit to the bottom of this. Figure out where you stand. I know it's hard, but it's a path worthwhile to take. All the best, MJ
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