Pyro Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 I agree. I also feel that if this is a trust issue and he doesn't feel he can trust her to remain freinds with her ex than he shouldn't be asking her to move in with him. If you don't have trust, you don't have anything. As for paractical advice........ talk to your boyfriend and explain that your ex is not a threat to him and than if he trusts you he shouldn't be expecting you to cut some one that you care about out of your life. If he is not a completely unreasonable person, I believe he will listen. I agree with this. I think the OP should ask herself how she would feel if her bf was in contact with an ex whom he adored. I agree with this as well. If the OP were to have a problem with it, then that would make her a hypocrite and she should not be friends with the ex. Lots of people are uncomfortable with their SO's being friends with an ex, so good luck OP.
Sevenmack Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Sorry Tanbark, but this isn't an issue of LAAngel being asked by her new mate to cut ties off with a person with whom she's been a platonic friend since elementary school. This isn't about control. And in any case, the new guy can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. If he asked her to cut ties and she did, then it was something she wanted to do, not forced to do. The old guy is her ex-mate. And the fact that she continues to keep up contact despite the breakup, along with her very own words about how she feels about him, is a sign that her new man is merely rebound material in her eyes. LAAngel keeps the new guy around because she can't really be with her ex for whatever reason and just as likely, for her entertainment purposes. So given the circumstances, the new guy just has no shot of forming a full bond with her. From where I sit, the new guy should simply move on and begin looking for another girlfriend; LAAngel's just not interested in cutting the cord with her ex. It shouldn't be a struggle for her to leave her past where it belongs and form a relationship with her new boyfriend.
dbtmarley Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Sorry Tanbark, but this isn't an issue of LAAngel being asked by her new mate to cut ties off with a person with whom she's been a platonic friend since elementary school. This isn't about control. And in any case, the new guy can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. If he asked her to cut ties and she did, then it was something she wanted to do, not forced to do. The old guy is her ex-mate. And the fact that she continues to keep up contact despite the breakup, along with her very own words about how she feels about him, is a sign that her new man is merely rebound material in her eyes. LAAngel keeps the new guy around because she can't really be with her ex for whatever reason and just as likely, for her entertainment purposes. So given the circumstances, the new guy just has no shot of forming a full bond with her. From where I sit, the new guy should simply move on and begin looking for another girlfriend; LAAngel's just not interested in cutting the cord with her ex. It shouldn't be a struggle for her to leave her past where it belongs and form a relationship with her new boyfriend. Why sorry Tanbark... I think you pretty much just said what he said just without the "he should leave her part". Which I am in total agreement with you on. I think you should break up with your boyfriend. If he still moves in with you he is a push over. Do you want someone who is a push over?
Sun_Conure Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Do you include your bf in conversations with your ex bf? Did you introduce your ex bf to your bf?
tanbark813 Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Sorry Tanbark, but this isn't an issue of LAAngel being asked by her new mate to cut ties off with a person with whom she's been a platonic friend since elementary school. This isn't about control. And in any case, the new guy can't make her do anything she doesn't want to do. If he asked her to cut ties and she did, then it was something she wanted to do, not forced to do. The old guy is her ex-mate. And the fact that she continues to keep up contact despite the breakup, along with her very own words about how she feels about him, is a sign that her new man is merely rebound material in her eyes. LAAngel keeps the new guy around because she can't really be with her ex for whatever reason and just as likely, for her entertainment purposes. So given the circumstances, the new guy just has no shot of forming a full bond with her. I think you misread my post. I'm in agreement with what you just said.
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Yes, but there's still a difference between exes and platonic friends. You can be friendly with an ex but I don't think you can be friends in the true sense of the word. Even if there are no lingering romantic attachments (although even that I'm inclined to think they can never completely go away) it still remains that the relationship was motivated by different reasons and maintained at a different level than a purely platonic friendship. Some of it depends on the details of the situation, I would consider it legitimate to be in contact with an ex whom you were friends with before the relationship, or if you have been strictly platonic friends for a long time after the relationship. It depends on the friendship to relationship ratio that took place. If that isn't the case then yes it may raise a red flag to stay in contact. And I'm not clear on in what way she adores him, I took it as platonically. The OP must speak again, I want to hear what they think now.
LoveLace Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 I don't think instant messaging from "time to time", without emailing, and without hanging out, is that big of deal, as long as stays at that level...but personally I would be insecure and worried that it might not stay at that level. I can understand why your BF is feeling insecure. However, people stay friends with Exes all the time. Sometimes they become life-long acquaintances, even. They catch every once in a while, say hi and congratulate each other on life's accomplishments. To me, it sounds like this is what the OP's situation amounts to. Maybe her boyfriend does seem a bit controlling here, but like someone said already they did used to sleep together...and that's where the jealousy comes in. If somehow you could assure your BF that the relationship is very limited in contact and will remain that way, and there are no friendships of any type that you want to drop just because the communication bothers him. But you should also reverse this situation in your head, and consider how you might feel if it was HIM instant messaging an Ex...you might wonder why he can't let go? Is there a chance that the little contact you have with this man, is the only thing that keeps you from really letting go? What about compromising, and just cut the amount of contact in half or something? In general though, I think Ex's are best to be left completely in the past -- even if they make good friendships, cuz it can carry over jealousy or trust issues into your next relationship...at most, I don't desire to catch up with an Ex any more than every few years or so! And that's out of curiosity..not because we "adore each other"....
Keara Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 One of my best friends (female) has been friends with her ex ever since their break up. Her new guy asked her to stop contact with her ex, and my friend flat out refused. She married the 'new guy' a while back, and EVERY single time they had a problem in the relationship she was on the horn calling up her ex-bf. It undermined the relationship. Every time her and her bf get into a spat, she started thinking about how "Mark" always listens to her... but "Bill" isn't..., and all those well intentioned "we're just friends" feelings turned into something less innocent. Fast forward 2 years, and she's leaving her hubby to marry her ex (who she swore up and down earlier she was over and done with and they were "JUST FRIENDS").
LoveLace Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 One of my best friends (female) has been friends with her ex ever since their break up. Her new guy asked her to stop contact with her ex, and my friend flat out refused. She married the 'new guy' a while back, and EVERY single time they had a problem in the relationship she was on the horn calling up her ex-bf. It undermined the relationship. Every time her and her bf get into a spat, she started thinking about how "Mark" always listens to her... but "Bill" isn't..., and all those well intentioned "we're just friends" feelings turned into something less innocent. Fast forward 2 years, and she's leaving her hubby to marry her ex (who she swore up and down earlier she was over and done with and they were "JUST FRIENDS"). ouch...this is what I meant by being worried about a "friendship" with an Ex moving beyond that level...things like this happen, so you can't blame someone for asking to cut the ties.
Author LAangel Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Wow!! You guys ROCK!! I never thought in my wildest dreams I'd get so many replies on this subject! Thank you for ALL of your replies! I am very appreciative of what each and everyone of you had to say. Now, I want to make things a bit more clear for everyone out there so that you all have a better understanding of the situation: My ex and I have known each other for ten years and that's including our 2 1/2 year relationship. It has been six years since we broke up (so therefore my new BF cannot a rebound). My ex and I were lovers first and then after the breakup there was a time of silence afterward (six months to a year maybe?) but because we used to run into each other alot we became friends again. We have hung out platonically (went for a beer etc) just only a few times in those six years. We haven't spoken on the phone for a couple of years and we rarely email each other but we keep in touch every once in a while by IM'ing each other to catch up and also through MySpace but comments and messages on MS is rare also. I adore him because he's my friend...and he's my friend cos he's a great guy who I know would be there for me in a cinch as he has proven that before. I have not been intimate with my ex since our breakup and have no interest in getting back together at all. I have put myself in my BF's position and because I know what it's like to be fond of your ex, I can only say that I would have no problem with it because I understand it. My BF has had only BAD breakups and because of this feels adamantly about friendships with exes and therefore believes everyone should feel the same way he does about it. My BF has recently deleted female aquaintances from his MS but these were girls he had never met before, they were just acquaintances. So that can't really count in my opinion. I have no problem banishing male acquaintances either. I am MADLY IN LOVE with my BF and I would never ever want to lose him. I have tried talking to BF about this situation and he gets frustrated but listens, however he firmly is set in his belief that exes should never be friends. BF says he's cool with my ex and I being friends but he wants there to be no contact (phone, email, IM, text, etc) BF says if we were to run into him on the street, BF would be cool and shake his hand. On the other hand, BF has also said he wants to kill the guy. BF says he wont stand for anyone getting in between us. BF has no problem with my other male friends on My Space or in my life. I would resent BF for a while but can learn to get over it as I have never felt the way I feel about BF. Help!
Krytellan Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 What do you mean help? We've done what we can. No amount of clearing things up will change the opinions of the people who posted here, most likely. It's time for you to decide what to do. Good luck.
McFadden Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 My ex and I have known each other for ten years and that's including our 2 1/2 year relationship. I kind of figured it was something along those lines. BF says he's cool with my ex and I being friends but he wants there to be no contact (phone, email, IM, text, etc) That doesn't really make sense for him to say. IMO no one needs to be deleting any friends or acquaintances unless there's an imminent threat. But like Krytellan said no one can decide for you. Do what he asked and deal with getting over the resentment (and realize that things like this will probably come up over again throughout the relationship) or leave the relationship. No middle road unless you are going to try to lie which isn't the best idea.
dbtmarley Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 When my wife and I started dating she had a few guys that were persuing her and I had a very good female friend with whom I had been intimate with. In short we both had friends of the opposite sex that were either interested with us or visa versa. As my wife and I became more serious (speaking of when we were dating) we both decided that these other people were just fuel for making the other wonder. I told her I would clean out my closet and she said she would do the same. We both severed ties with those that were not important to our relationship. As we all know a couple is two and a relationship makes you one and it is not to include feelings about or from someone else. With that being said, I received a call from the female friend two nights ago while my wife was in bed. While I was glad to hear Rasheen's voice letting me know she was doing well (we both share the same terminal illness) I was a bit uncomfortable with it. I told her I was now married and very happy. She told me, "I just needed to hear your voice"... which hit me straight to my heart. This made me realize what I needed to do... I told her we could not converse due to our previous relations, I explained that we could never be just friends and she agreed. We ended the call after 3 minutes and I wrestled with whether I should tell my wife the next morning. She is pregnant and I know emotions run funny during this time. I told her though still because I just didn't think it right to deceive her one bit.... I know she was bothered by it, but I assured her the best I could and we have not discussed it since.. If you really value your relationship, no one will or should interfere. If this ex of yours is causing this kind of problem for you I think you should do an inventory of your feelings. The fact that you have such adoration for your ex should be unsettling to your boyfriend... you really should have cleaned that closet long ago.. I think you are in for problems if this mindset of yours continues... Also I noticed you took more time describing what a wonderful person your ex was as compared to the new guy.. No feelings? I'm not buying it and neither is your boyfriend.
IpAncA Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 When my wife and I started dating she had a few guys that were persuing her and I had a very good female friend with whom I had been intimate with. In short we both had friends of the opposite sex that were either interested with us or visa versa. As my wife and I became more serious (speaking of when we were dating) we both decided that these other people were just fuel for making the other wonder. I told her I would clean out my closet and she said she would do the same. We both severed ties with those that were not important to our relationship. As we all know a couple is two and a relationship makes you one and it is not to include feelings about or from someone else. With that being said, I received a call from the female friend two nights ago while my wife was in bed. While I was glad to hear Rasheen's voice letting me know she was doing well (we both share the same terminal illness) I was a bit uncomfortable with it. I told her I was now married and very happy. She told me, "I just needed to hear your voice"... which hit me straight to my heart. This made me realize what I needed to do... I told her we could not converse due to our previous relations, I explained that we could never be just friends and she agreed. We ended the call after 3 minutes and I wrestled with whether I should tell my wife the next morning. She is pregnant and I know emotions run funny during this time. I told her though still because I just didn't think it right to deceive her one bit.... I know she was bothered by it, but I assured her the best I could and we have not discussed it since.. If you really value your relationship, no one will or should interfere. If this ex of yours is causing this kind of problem for you I think you should do an inventory of your feelings. The fact that you have such adoration for your ex should be unsettling to your boyfriend... you really should have cleaned that closet long ago.. I think you are in for problems if this mindset of yours continues... Also I noticed you took more time describing what a wonderful person your ex was as compared to the new guy.. No feelings? I'm not buying it and neither is your boyfriend. Good post. Here have a bunny.
dbtmarley Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Good post. Here have a bunny. That ain't no bunny. Anyone with kids knows that's Hello Kitty.:laugh: How bout a cookie?
IpAncA Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 That ain't no bunny. Anyone with kids knows that's Hello Kitty.:laugh: How bout a cookie? Yeah that thing is pretty stupid. Lol!! Sure have a cookie.
annabelle75 Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 BF says he's cool with my ex and I being friends but he wants there to be no contact (phone, email, IM, text, etc) BF says if we were to run into him on the street, BF would be cool and shake his hand. On the other hand, BF has also said he wants to kill the guy. BF says he wont stand for anyone getting in between us. BF has no problem with my other male friends on My Space or in my life. I would resent BF for a while but can learn to get over it as I have never felt the way I feel about BF. Help! Now that is a problem. It sounds as if he has some deep seeded issues with insecurity regarding your previous relationships. Has he ever had a girl cheat on him with an ex or leave him for an ex? It may have something to do with how he feels now. I really think there is a way of handling this without having to "give up" a friend and at the same time not causing problems with your bf. You need to explain to him that you don't see any reason you should have to give up your acquaintance with some one that you have none for 10 years becasue of his insecurity over the situation. You can tell him that you have no problem not hangin out with your ex (as you haven't been anyway) out of respect for him, but expecting you to formally cut your ex off is asking for too much and not something you are willing to do. I know far too many people that have bent over backwards and sacrificed freinds and other things for a bf or gf only to regret it later because they set a dangerous president for the rest of relationship. If he thinks he is allowed to dictate who you can be friends with he will continue to do so and if you try to take a stand later it will be much harder. I'm not saying this because I think he has any ill intent or future plans to control you, but if he feels it is his right since you did it once then it could become a problem later. At the base of this though is that if he trusts you than it shouldn't be a problem. If he says he can only trust you if you cut off your friend, than that means he doesn't trust you.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 LAangel, What makes your ex more important to you than your BF? Isnt this guy an ex for a reason? I think you REALLY need to take a very hard look at your motivations here. What your BF is feeling is not unreasonable. In fact from what you have already posted, He would be a complete fool to not address this issue. Ddbtmarley makes a great point. Sometimes you have to make a sacrafice for your relationship. How you handle this should show you what kind of person you are and how committed you really are to your current relationship.
LoveLace Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 LAangel, What makes your ex more important to you than your BF? Isnt this guy an ex for a reason? I think you REALLY need to take a very hard look at your motivations here. What your BF is feeling is not unreasonable. In fact from what you have already posted, He would be a complete fool to not address this issue. Ddbtmarley makes a great point. Sometimes you have to make a sacrafice for your relationship. How you handle this should show you what kind of person you are and how committed you really are to your current relationship. Ditto. Even though all you do is Im each other every once in a while or whatever, I would think that would be all the more reason why you shouldn't feel like you'd be giving up so much for your BF. Weather or not your intentions with the Ex are romantic or not, it apparently won't change your BF's perspective. I think it's reasonable of him to say that he'd shake his hand if he ever met him, but he doesn't want the guy contacting his woman, totally understandable.
McFadden Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 There will be no agreement or compromise on the issue. Either a) you will cut off the ex and probably other people he has a problem with in the future and you will harbor resentment b) you will 'compromise' and keep the ex in the picture and he will harbor resentment, c) you will break up. It seems like this is one of the main downfalls of relationships. The only way it works is if you find someone that has the same level of comfort as you.
dbtmarley Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 It seems like this is one of the main downfalls of relationships. The only way it works is if you find someone that has the same level of comfort as you. You forgot something... (d) ex boyfriend... Sorry to be redundant: "The only way it works is if you find someone that the same level of comfort as you" ummmm that would also be (d) ex boyfriend. I've simplified it into algebraic terms see below: a+b+d=c and also a-c=b-d ... see what I mean.. Here have a Hello Kitty:bunny:.
Cobra_X30 Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Mcfadden, There is always option D) where you pretend to cut all ties but secretly keep in contact with the ex.
soulseeker Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 When people start asking their SO to cut ex's out of their life, what they are really looking for is some kind of guarantee in their relationship. If you block one person out of your SO, that doesn't mean a damn thing really, when it comes to guarantees in a relationship. Why not look at the character of your partner and trust them to decide? I have two ex's. One I am legitimately just friends with. The other, I will never be friends with for a variety of reasons. Is there a chance I might become more than "just friends" with my one ex. No, there isnt. Not while I am dating someone else. Is there a chance that I would put myself in the position to have a ONS? Not, while I am in a relationship there isnt. Know why? That is not my character. Nor is it in my character to lie to myself about being able to be friends with my second ex. You just have to trust people in life. And you have to trust yourself to be ok no matter what happens to you in the realm of love, etc. If you think your SO is not trustworthy, I honestly don't know what you are doing with them.
oppath Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 The lines between someone not being trustworthy and someone being insecure are sometimes blurred. My last experience has left me a little scarred regarding a girl who is friends with an ex, but it comes down to a few things: they should have infrequent contactthey shouldn't discuss our relationship/problemsthey shouldn't hang out 1-on-1 unless I consider the person a friend tooI should be meeting them as soon as we are bf/gf and if that can't happen because it would be too awkward for them, they shouldn't be talking because they aren't capable of just being friends, and I don't want to be hidden.Of course, the word should means ****! I personally wouldn't have a problem as your guy because there has been so much time elapsed. Actually, I take that back. I would have a problem. I'd have a problem unless I could meet the guy and shake his hand. I'd want to witness their friendship.
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