need supa human strength to get thru this

[kimba]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t121482/

 

this is my other thread for those who don't know my background

 

So i got this teaching contract for 2 weeks at this special school that i have been doing relief work at over the last couple of months.

 

If you have had time to read my threads you would know that my mum died a month ago. On tuesday (the first day back at school affter the hols, had a emotional breakdown when i got home because usually i ring mum to tell her about the antics at school (she used to be a teacher) Irang my sister instead (she is still living in mums house) and was just hysterical...

The kids i have - theres 6. They are no ordinary kids- if you're wondering why i had a breakdown. 3 of them are non verbal. All but one are in nappies (they are about 7 years old) One actually EATS her own POO. She wears a jumpsuit but somehow gets it out. its revolting. 3 of the kids i love, because their nature comes through.

 

I just realised really emotionally i am not up to this at the moment. So if i can just hold out til next friday (6 school days) its sOOOO full on.

 

Then the principal who knows about mum and dad has offered me one day a week after next week for the rest of the year taking out individual kids from classrooms and working one on one.

 

On top of this its marks birthday on the weekend and its his 30th and so he's having some big hoo ha and ofcourse i'm not invited but all our mutual friends are. So Jills not returning my calls at the moment because she probably doesn't want to tell me she's invited (my supposed best friend)So when i could really do with a night out with my "so called" friends and everything.

 

How am i going to get through all this????Me and mark got on fine at the picnic but obviously he stil doesn't want me in his life.

 

I almost feel like i have to start some sort of new life or something. Because although i am still friends with my old friends - because they are still associated with him it just is like a stab in the back everytime there is some event happening and i;m excluded.

[number2]

Just think -- when you make it through all of this you can think back on it and anything in the future that pops up you'll know that you can get through it. Use it as a strengthening period! You'll get through it.

[kimba]

thats nice in theory, having both parents die in a year and also lose your best friend????????????

[kimba]

well today i quit the 2 wk contract. Long story, it was basically to do with the teacher aide. She was just so negative and horrible. I mean from day 1 on monday she whinged about how the cleaners get paid more than tecaher aides ra ra ra..... Jesus! its your choice! go to uni and be teacher!!! Oh she was such a dog.

The principal said she is a problem for people at the school and they offered to get rid of her and put her in another class, but my strength was already sapped, and i said that doing that would cause more trouble. So i'm having a break for a bit and going back to do mondays like they asked me the other day. I really hated wiping other peoples bottoms at a time when i'm feeling so drained anyway. And that sort of thing is nothing new to me as i have been doing it for over a year.

[Fun2BMe]

Sorry to hear about the rough time you are going through and for the loss of your mother. Your children sound very difficult for you to be watching them on your own if that's the case. Is Mark the same person who is turning 30?

 

I hope your sister will give you some comfort and help you out. And it's good you'll be getting a break at work. Things will get better.

[funkybassplayer]

Kimba,

 

I know where your at my dad died my mum got cancer and i had lost my girlfreind of 9 years. This was 7 years ago. At the time i knew i had to be strong (all happened within 6 months) II packed in my day job and turned pro bass player and havent looked back since. We have gone through the lowest, so you will get over this and come out stronger. And just look what my selfish current ex had to say about it on his aniversary of this year (v.tines day) do we need people like that? You will be ok.

[kimba]

Sorry to hear about the rough time you are going through and for the loss of your mother. Your children sound very difficult for you to be watching them on your own if that's the case. Is Mark the same person who is turning 30?

 

I hope your sister will give you some comfort and help you out. And it's good you'll be getting a break at work. Things will get better.

 

Yes , I had one teacher aide which was who i was talkng about who was horrible. sometimes i had another person as well, and i know that sounds like a lot, but these kids are non verbal and some have no reasoning skills , climb the walls, **** their pants, throw things, scratch people, i mean you name it - and it happens. and sometimes all at once. Its usually the teacher aides that complain there are not enough adults in the room. its a whole different ball game to a "normal " school. i mean its never dull, but it's too much for me at the moment.

Yesterday i had my heart ripped out when this little girl (5 yrs0 but really tiny) was crying (she's not in my class) because this plastic bloody spine brace that she has to wear that goes from chest to pelvis was hurting her. she was looking at me and looking to this other teacher for us to take it off. it was horrible.

 

Mark is the one having the 30th

 

 

Mark is indeed the one who's turning 30.

[kimba]

Kimba,

 

I know where your at my dad died my mum got cancer and i had lost my girlfreind of 9 years. This was 7 years ago. At the time i knew i had to be strong (all happened within 6 months) II packed in my day job and turned pro bass player and havent looked back since. We have gone through the lowest, so you will get over this and come out stronger. And just look what my selfish current ex had to say about it on his aniversary of this year (v.tines day) do we need people like that? You will be ok.

 

so you were sort of at the point where you thought, hey life is short, bugger this, I need to be happy, i'm going to do what I really want to do??? yeah. I'm there.

[funkybassplayer]

Exactly, and thats why now im selling my house and buying a porche and renting and banking some dosh, for me. My ex wanted me to sell and buy her hubby (who she would not divorce out) hmmmm thats a tough one.yeah right. I would have done anything for her if she showed me the full comitment. I think wheni saw my dad on a slab, it made me realise whats important in life, and thats yourself, and people who really love you.All the rest can go to hell, because we dont need them. Let them play their self centred games with some1 else. Sure i loved my ex, but being with her was draining, and was like flogging a dead selfish horse. You do what you feel in your heart is right.

[Chinook]

so you were sort of at the point where you thought, hey life is short, bugger this, I need to be happy, I'm going to do what I really want to do??? yeah. I'm there.

 

Kimba... I'm gonna give you a little advice. It's too early to say yet how you should still deal with all this. Losing your parents in a year is a huge loss. Losses like that take a long time to come to terms with. All the other stuff with your friends and Mark, will work itself out in time. It takes time. Don't be in too much of a hurry to run away from things and 'move on' with life. Things can come back and bite your arse when you least expect it. At the moment all you need to do is hang in there with things. Take things slowly. Make sure you eat properly, make sure you get enough time to rest even if you don't actually sleep, make sure you take some time out in the day for you, even if it is only 10 minutes. Just take your time with things. As for your best friend... you know, she may just not be able to deal with things. I was diagnosed with cancer 5 years ago and I had a REALLY hard time of things emotionally. I didn't deal with it well - but at 32 you don't. Anyhow, my best friend of 20 years deserted me. She never rang or called or came to see me. I was devastated because this was the person who I shared most things with. She'd been there for me through everything I ever had gone through. I was devastated at losing the life I had before cancer (this is really hard to explain) but I was also devastated at losing my partner (we split because we didn't cope well as a couple) and to compound it all, I had lost my best friend. I was so alone. I felt isolated. After around a year of no contact with her, I wrote her a letter. In the letter I detailed how I felt she had deserted me at my worst hour. I felt that she had deserted our 20 years of friendship at one of the most critical moments. I also explained that I was unable to follow it through because I had too much else to deal with, but that I hoped she was happy and well.

 

It was too immediate to deal with her after the cancer and during the treatment and for her, the longer she left it...the harder it became. She didn't follow up because she didn't know how to. When she received my letter a year later - she was relieved rather than hurt. She called me. She explained that she had been very afraid. In her mind if she didn't contact me, she didn't have to see how sick I was and she didn't have to deal with the fact that she might lose me. If she avoided it, I might (in her head) still be out there and be okay. If she doesn't see all that is happening, everything is going to be normal. It took me to point out to her that I had NEEDED her to realise that our friendship was on the line.

 

Kimba you probably should just try to get through the days at the moment without trying to sort through everything with your friends. What will be will be and you need to take care of you first.

[kimba]

As for your best friend... you know, she may just not be able to deal with things. Anyhow, my best friend of 20 years deserted me. She never rang or called or came to see me. I was devastated because this was the person who I shared most things with. She'd been there for me through everything I ever had gone through. I was devastated at losing the life I had before cancer (this is really hard to explain) but I was also devastated at losing my partner (we split because we didn't cope well as a couple) and to compound it all, I had lost my best friend. I was so alone. I felt isolated. After around a year of no contact with her, I wrote her a letter. In the letter I detailed how I felt she had deserted me at my worst hour. I felt that she had deserted our 20 years of friendship at one of the most critical moments.

 

Kimba you probably should just try to get through the days at the moment without trying to sort through everything with your friends. What will be will be and you need to take care of you first.

 

chinook,

i really appreciate you telling me your story. I see parts of myself in whats happened to you. Your friend sounds very similar to one of mine. I don't know that I would want to have anything to do with her after being ignored like that. Caroline, who is ironically a SOCIAL WORKER , actually has not contacted me at all by ph or mail to offer condolences. This is because Bryan her ex is friends with mark, and the three of them now have formed a little sub group. She values men more highly than women ( i know that sounds crook but she's one of those), so she has blown me off so she can stay in contact with mark and bryan. I had been there for her for years helping her with her mother who had manic depression. She woudn't take her to see a psych, so I did. No thanks, and now this. Its disgusting.

You honestly find out what people are reallylike in a crisis.

So tomorrow night, when its marks party and all my friends are invited, i'll be heading down to surfers paradise to stay with amy. They can all get stuffed. Me and amy have been friends for 20 years.

[kimba]

I think wheni saw my dad on a slab, it made me realise whats important in life, and thats yourself, and people who really love you.All the rest can go to hell, because we dont need them. Let them play their self centred games with some1 else.

 

funky bass player

I really need to talk to people like u who have lived it. Thanks. Its lifechanging all this.

you know, i introduced mark to my friends, they became our friends, and now he invites them to stuff and they show no loyalty or empathy towards ME! Its really Jill, mostly, she never even really liked mark before, and now this- its just GAMES. Self centred games. And whenever she rings me she never asks me how I AM, just starts going on with her crap. No hi, how are you. I'm sick of it. Its exactly what you are saying. Why do i have to put up with that? Why do i have to keep in contact with people like this JUST BECAUSE they are supposed to be my best friend and i've known her since 1989??? what about NOW??? Why does she feel she has to hurt me by seeing mark? she was always SOOOOO jealous of our friendship and used to put him down to turn me off him.

[funkybassplayer]

well im here if you need to talk, email whatever. the truth is you dont have to nor should put up with crap, and before you know it, people will give you the respect that you need. Right now, this is really important, you have to be alone, you need to be with only people you know truly care for you, because at this stage, you can be brought down very easily. If you stay strong, you will come out strong, but you will never lose that real loving you, and you will only give your self to some1 compleatly if they do to you. Its a terrible thing to deal with breakup and loss of parents, but people who cant give you time, then **** them off, just like that, their not worth one more moment of your time. Dont be scared to make changes in your life, we all have to.

[kimba]

well im here if you need to talk, email whatever. the truth is you dont have to nor should put up with crap, and before you know it, people will give you the respect that you need. Right now, this is really important, you have to be alone, you need to be with only people you know truly care for you, because at this stage, you can be brought down very easily. If you stay strong, you will come out strong, but you will never lose that real loving you, and you will only give your self to some1 compleatly if they do to you. Its a terrible thing to deal with breakup and loss of parents, but people who cant give you time, then **** them off, just like that, their not worth one more moment of your time. Dont be scared to make changes in your life, we all have to.

 

for some reason your profile doesn't allow me to private message you. If you can email me its [email protected]

[funkybassplayer]

have emailed you.

[kimba]

i ended up getting really sick (flu). I never get sick. it must be years since i caught anything. Had Gastro last week as well. So i know I am really up the sh*t (so to speak).:o

 

I have been thinkning about my future and what I am going to do. I just do not want any contact with people who are in contact with Mark. I just cannot cope with the silences and secrecy and somehow inevitably finding out about the social arrangements.

 

I mean with 2 deaths in my family, losing him, and have my friends continue the pain by being in contact with him when they were never really friends before- its just too much. All of it would be a totally different scenario if I hadn't lost mum and dad i think. I just can't cope with any more pain.

 

Trouble is, i don't have many friends that haven't met him. Actually lets count..... um... 2 people. I have known them a long long time though.

[kimba]

:confused::confused::confused::confused:

[funkybassplayer]

i ended up getting really sick (flu). I never get sick. it must be years since i caught anything. Had Gastro last week as well. So i know I am really up the sh*t (so to speak).:o

 

I have been thinkning about my future and what I am going to do. I just do not want any contact with people who are in contact with Mark. I just cannot cope with the silences and secrecy and somehow inevitably finding out about the social arrangements.

 

I mean with 2 deaths in my family, losing him, and have my friends continue the pain by being in contact with him when they were never really friends before- its just too much. All of it would be a totally different scenario if I hadn't lost mum and dad i think. I just can't cope with any more pain.

 

Trouble is, i don't have many friends that haven't met him. Actually lets count..... um... 2 people. I have known them a long long time though.

 

 

 

HI i know what your going through i think i may have replied b4 to you? I lost my dad and my mum got cancer and my girl of 9 years left me (10 years ago) You will get through, and you have done right by cytting out all comunication with the ex. The main thing is look after yourself, and dont let anything get in the way of your recovery over these losses.

[kimba]

Still ill (as morissey would say....)

 

Stilll don't know how I am going to survive without any friends

[funkybassplayer]

Yoy have all the friends you cN WISH FOR HERE, IM GOING THROUGH A BAD TIME NOW, AND DONT HAVE NO FRIENDS AROUND ME AT THE MOMENT, BUT THIS HELPS LOTS.

[kimba]

IM GOING THROUGH A BAD TIME NOW

 

whats happening at the moment?