Dating An Older Man

[fly_grl1776]

I need some advice. I am currently dating a much older man. I am 30

and he is 55. In the beginning of the relationship I was very concerned about the age difference but once I got to know him, I got over it. He is such a caring man who would do anything for me. We have so much in common(despite the age) and have lots of fun together. We both feel the same about one another but something strange has happened lately. He was NEVER concerned about the age difference in the beginning but now he is. He tells me that because he is older than I am, it is not fair for us to go on because he figures later on down the road, he will no longer be around and will leave me to grow old alone. He is also afraid that he will not keep up with me and I will get bored. I dont feel that way at all. I just know that I care about him. What do I do. I am confused....

[InLimbo2]

For many years I only dated older men, then - as I got older - they just got - well - OLD. Then I started dating men younger - and they were - well - immature and no direction. My current relationship- the one that is gonna last forever - well I finally got it right - he's 3 years younger than me

 

You don't say how long you've been together,but there are important considerations.

 

Do you want children? At 55 he very well may not want any (more). And, even if he agreed - is it fair to bring children into the world when their father likely won't be around to see them graduate college or get married?

 

You haven't even reached your sexual prime, and he's way past his. He very well may not be able to keep up with you in the bedroom in a relatively short time, even with chemical help.

 

What stage is he in in life? He's probably nearing retirement, looking forward to a slower pace, maybe travel? Do you have a career you love and don't want to give up? You are in prime earning years.

 

I'm sure right now you aren't worried about him keeping up with you - but if he's saying this now - maybe he's already getting worn out? The novelty has worn off (not that you are just a novelty) and he's seein the reality of things. And luckily - he's being upfront and considerate of you.

 

Can these kinds of things work? Yep - some do. For some reason Sophia Loren and Carlo Ponti come to mind lol. But odds are against them. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it's the right relationship or that it'll work long term - or even that it should. Only you 2 know the answer.

 

Good luck

 

 

 

 

 

I need some advice. I am currently dating a much older man. I am 30

and he is 55. In the beginning of the relationship I was very concerned about the age difference but once I got to know him, I got over it. He is such a caring man who would do anything for me. We have so much in common(despite the age) and have lots of fun together. We both feel the same about one another but something strange has happened lately. He was NEVER concerned about the age difference in the beginning but now he is. He tells me that because he is older than I am, it is not fair for us to go on because he figures later on down the road, he will no longer be around and will leave me to grow old alone. He is also afraid that he will not keep up with me and I will get bored. I dont feel that way at all. I just know that I care about him. What do I do. I am confused....

[electric_sheep]

This is the same spread as my girlfriend and I. I'm 36 and she is 21. Usually in these threads I adamantly defend these types of relationships. Probably out of self-defense.

 

Right now, I'm just sitting here thinking how incredibly unbelievable the very idea of staying with someone for 15 years seems to me. How on Earth do people stay together so long? Everyone is quick to mention the sex, but seriously... do people still have sex after 15 years? Or even 5 or 10 years? If so, it couldn't possibly be more often than once a week. Right?

 

Anyway... I think there are two possibilities really. Either he is having second thoughts himself, and this is his way of expressing them. Or, you can take this at face value, and he really is concerned about your future.

 

I'm a big advocate of open communication. Just ask him which it is. Ask him if there are other factors involved. If not, then tell him you are willing to deal with these uncertainties if he is (assuming you really feel this way).

 

As you can see, I have a tendency to just live day by day. There is a side of me that thinks it's preposterous to be worried about 10 or 15 years down the road, much less 20 or 30. That probably just comes from my own personal experience... which has been marked by surprises, chance, and uncertainty. I'm 36 now. If I had worried about those things in each of my relationships, I would have spent a lot of time worrying over nothing.

 

This isn't necessarily the best way to live. It's just the only way I know how.

[Lizzie60]

He's right... It won't work in the long run... He's realistic about it... you're not IMO.

 

My first ex was 11 yrs older... my last one was 12 yrs younger.

 

I am not in any long term relationship right now.. but I'm dating much younger men... older guys are boring... sorry but they are, sexually they don't have the energy of a younger guy.

 

The youngest I see, from time to time, is 31 yrs younger... he's 23, I'm 55. He's sweet... very intelligent... has no time for a gf.. and he thinks I'm hot and lots of fun.

 

I know that a long-term relationship with a much younger person is NOT possible... short term or casual is OK.

 

You don't see the difference now...cause you're only 30... but in 10 years from now.. you'll be 40 and he'll be 65... just look at 65 yr old men...you'll know what I mean.

 

The difference is waaaayyy too much... IMO.

 

Just enjoy... one day at a time.

[spookie]

I think that your boyfriend's concerns are very legitimate and the fact that he brought them to your attention shows that he cares a great deal for you.

 

Personally I also think that he is the one who is realistic here about this relationship's long-term potential, not you. You could, of course, stay with him, but you would be denying yourself many, if not most, of the benefits of being in a relationship with someone. I know you love him, but as the song goes, sometimes love just ain't enough.

 

At 30 and 55, depending on your maturity and energy levels, you are in the same basic phase of life. You're independent, functional adults.

 

In 5 years, you will be 35 and he will be 60. At 35, you are still young. You are still in the phase of life where you are setting up, starting a family, working on your career, etc. At 60 he will be looking forward to retirement, making last-minute plans about where and how to spend the remainder of his years, which, on average (if I am correct), for men are in the 12-18 range at this point.

 

 

In 15 years, you'll be 45, no where close to old. He will be 70. My mom had my brother at 45. My dad changed his career. At 70, no matter how fit your bf is now, he will start losing his health and his energy. You will want to do things he will no longer be capable of. He won't be able to support you emotionally in the way that you will want, because he won't be able to relate. You priorities will be different.

 

In twenty-five years, you will be how old he is now, which, as you claim yourself, isn't very different from being 30, still. If he is still alive, he will be 80. You know what 80 is like, you've seen your grandparents.

 

And eventually, if you stay with him, you will end up alone, with many years left. You will have to decide, then, either to look for love again, or to have no one (in a romantic sense, at least) to share those years with.

 

It just doesn't seem worth it to me. Half the purpose of a relationship to me is to have someone in old age who knows me really well and saw life the same way I did by my side.

[electric_sheep]

And eventually, if you stay with him, you will end up alone, with many years left. You will have to decide, then, either to look for love again, or to have no one (in a romantic sense, at least) to share those years with.

 

It just doesn't seem worth it to me. Half the purpose of a relationship to me is to have someone in old age who knows me really well and saw life the same way I did by my side.

 

The average life expectancy of Americans is 81 for women and 75 for men. For a couple of equal age, this means the women is likely going to have to live through the eventual death of her husband. Statistically she is likely to survive him by 6 years, and he is likely to die when she is 75. The OP will likely survive him by 21 years, and he is likely to die when she is 60.

 

I'm not sure I like the idea of just "writing off" 6 years or 21 years. Sitting around quietly waiting to die sounds pretty boring to me. Do they have dating services for the elderly?

 

Seriously though, this brings up all sorts of questions about what makes life valuable. Does your life have value outside of your primary relationship? How old is too old to start dating again? 75? 60? Perhaps friendship is more important than romance at this age?

 

Statistically this is something most women are going to have to deal with. You could make an argument it's better to go through it at 60 than 75. I'm sure an argument could be made the other way around too.

 

Anyway, here is a dating site for seniors:

http://www.12meetsenior.com

 

Dollydiva is 64 and wants to just "have fun and date".

Then there is HildeB, who is 78 and is "Looking for joi de vivre".

BarneyY is 81, lives right around the corner from me, and is looking to "SHARE LIFE, LOVE and FORTUNE".

 

BTW, smoking supposedly cuts 10 years off your life expectancy.

Obesity cuts 7 years off.

Being obese and smoking cuts 13.7 years off!

 

So, if your SO is an overweight smoker, you might as well be dating a healthy person who is 15 years older.

[electric_sheep]

Oh goodness. There is a 25 year gap between you guys, not 15.

 

Anyway, all my cold, hard, statistical numbers need to be recalculated.

 

Here is a forum all about May-December relationships.

This woman apparently loves her 60 yo man:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlmaydecembe&msg=6291.1&ctx=128

 

Here are some famous celebrities in M/D relationships:

http://richard.arthur.norton.googlepages.com/agedisparityinrelationships

 

Is seems the biggest fears fall into one of these categories:

Life expectancy/death

Sex

Energy/Interests

 

I don't think it's wrong to think about these things, but don't ever believe the stereotypes or the common wisdom. I've been reading about this a bit lately, and I've concluded that people overestimate the importance of age, and underestimate the importance of someone's diet and lifestyle, which are at least equally as important. And, of course, there is just so much variation in all of us, regardless of age. Some people have low libidos at 25, for instance.

 

Another example... my girlfriend and I went to NY with my 65 yo dad, and he basically ran us into the ground. He walked/hiked the entire length of Central Park with us north to south, without the slightest problem at all. My girlfriends mom is 50, is overweight, and is not nearly as active as my dad.

 

I had a 22 yo girlfriend who smoked and would under no circumstances have walked more than 4 or 5 blocks... anywhere.

 

I just mention this to show how lifestyle can effect energy far more than age.

 

Anyway, I'm sure there are good things and bad things about these types of relationships. Each person has to decide for themselves.

 

I think it's important to weed through all the stereotypes and myths though. If there is one thing I've learned, it's that stereotypes are next to worthless, and one should almost always question the common wisdom. Look at each situation as unique.

 

That being said, one must be realistic too.

[melodymatters]

Two of my dearest friends met 50's men when they were 30 and they are now married. AND they are some of the happiest, most mutually respectful relationships I know off.

 

It might not work for everybody, but i have SEEN it work for these two couples.

 

Besides, Ive ALSO had young friends widowed by young husbands through random accidents or unpredictable illnesses.

[electric_sheep]

I found this, and it isn't too encouraging:

 

"I'm a 54 yr old female married to a man who's 69, for almost17 yrs. The past 7 have been a living hell, since he's aged....we have NO LIFE together. I have to come & go & take care of work/home situations all alone.I am so lonely for male companionship &it breaks my heart to see him suffer & to have too turn our home into a nursing facility. I was NEVER this lonely as a single person. Neither of us believe in divorce so most days I just pray God will let us both, or one of us, die.I wish I'd listened to others advice when they told me he was too old for me to marry. Don't suggest infideity...although I've been tempted...I know I'd have to answer to God & I can't do that. He wants to stay home 24/7...I'm so thankful I have my girlfriend, mother, & sisters to do activities together or go on vacation with. Otherwise, I'd be isolated too. But of course, none of these relationships are comparitiable to having a romantic one. I cry alot. I pray one of these days God will get tired of my prayers & answer them!!!"

 

She just seems to be a bitter woman in general. Sounds kind of like my mom.

 

This does bring up another issue to the whole "sex fear" though. Many people nowadays are leading alternative lifestyles and have alternative "arrangements". Different people are open to different things.

 

One thing I do know for sure though, my mom and my dad havn't had sex in the last 25 years, and they are close to the same age.

[VirtualInsanity]

I need some advice. I am currently dating a much older man. I am 30

and he is 55. In the beginning of the relationship I was very concerned about the age difference but once I got to know him, I got over it. He is such a caring man who would do anything for me. We have so much in common(despite the age) and have lots of fun together. We both feel the same about one another but something strange has happened lately. He was NEVER concerned about the age difference in the beginning but now he is. He tells me that because he is older than I am, it is not fair for us to go on because he figures later on down the road, he will no longer be around and will leave me to grow old alone. He is also afraid that he will not keep up with me and I will get bored. I dont feel that way at all. I just know that I care about him. What do I do. I am confused....

 

That's rather sad actually. I get what he's saying but he should know that might not be the case.

[electric_sheep]

Here are some interesting articles:

 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Understanding-Age-Gap-Relationships&id=94787

http://www.coopyrite.net/category/relationships/age-differences/

http://www.variety.com/article/VR1117794783.html?categoryid=13&cs=1

http://www.couplescompany.com/advice/Whaling/MayDecemberRelationships.pdf

 

Other sites to look at:

http://www.lovingyou.com/content/groups/agegap/

http://www.agelesslove.com/

 

 

Jeesh!

I never realized age-gap relationships caused such a bru ha ha.

 

 

Of course, in the midst of all this debating and advice, nobody has yet to mention love. Is love just another commodity, something that can be easily sought out and found?

 

I've only fallen in love twice in my life, and I'm 36.

 

If one thinks love is easy to find, then one might be more inclined to look elsewhere, if other factors like age, income, looks, etc... don't meet your expectations. If one thinks love is like a rare bird, they are probably more inclined to accept some challenges and imperfections.

 

I'm rather spend 10 years with someone I love than the rest of my life with someone I don't.

 

And once again, I'd be wary of advice from anyone that uses declarative sentences, like "this will work" or "this will not work".

[LittleWingedOne]

I'm almost 21, the man I want is 48.. almost 49.

 

We connect on such a deep level, that the age difference never really hit me until I saw a picture of him taken before i was born.

 

Like someone else said, i would rather have a few years with someone who really gets me than 50 with someone else.

 

There will be bumps in the road, especially from other people. my aunt married someone who is the same age as her father, and it was fine until now. She's still vibrant but he is getting older and sicker and its really taking a toll on her. She still loves him and cares about him, but it can cause an emotional blow. If you want this to be long term, then prepare for that. Age is just a number, don't let it factor in too much to the connection you feel.

[fly_grl1776]

Thanks so much for the advice. I guess there is truth to everything everyone has said. I definitely thought about the age gap before getting into it. I am 31 but I already have a child and know that I don't want anymore. He is definitely planning on his retirement in the next few years and wants to travel. I have a successful career but am okay with settling down. I just think that it is harder to find someone so compatible, so the age really doesn't worry me. He is also very active and has more energy than I do. But he is still concerned that he will later leave me alone in life and I will still be young. He has told me that besides the age, there is nothing else wrong in the relationship. He loves everything about me.

[kittensmittens]

fly_grl,

 

I happened across this thread and it made me think of my friend's parents. When they got married, she was 19 and he was 30 (11 yrs apart). She was a student and he was a professor and they both could have gotten in BIG trouble for even seeing each other. They are still married to this day and have 3 grown children together. According to my friend, they have nothing in common. She said "they laugh a lot and that's what keeps them together".

 

Not to sound incredibly morbid, but you could be with someone who is your age or younger and he could die in a car wreck tomorrow. Everything we do in life is a risk. jmho