spookie Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 I did a fantastic job severing ties with my ex a couple of weeks ago, and while I still feel it was for the best as my sanity was being compromised remaining in a limbo-like friendship, I am now depressed about the fact that it feels like he hates me, and I really can't forsee a way, with how things are now, for us to resume contact in the future, after we have healed. A few weeks ago, I sent him a very nice and reasonable (I thought) email explaining why I couldn't remain friends with him. He replied asking for my number. I emailed back saying that for the reasons I mentioned earlier, I couldn't be friends, and so we shouldn't talk. Not wanting to deal with receiving a phone call from him which I would have to ignore (or not receiving one at all), I then switched off my phone. I turned it back on today, to find a message from him. It was short, he just asked, in an exasperated tone, to call him back. I am not sure when he left it, after the first email or the second. I also blocked him on facebook. Again, for my sanity (so I can't stalk him), not to make any kind of statement or to be cruel. But, I am afraid he doesn't understand. I'm afraid he is taking this to mean I don't care about him, or I'm doing this in a last-ditch effort to manipulate him somehow. He even joined a group on the facebook, before I blocked him, called Anti-Succubus Coalition - basically a group for guys with jealous, manipulative ex-girlfriends. I am just depressed that after everything we have been through together, the person I care about most, whom I love so much, and who has been such an integral part of the last three years of my life, might be gone forever. I know I did the cutting-out, but I tried to do it in a way that didn't burn bridges. It feels like he's burnt them for me. I fear that I will attempt to get in contact with him a couple of years down the road and he will either ridicule me or not respond at all. I just couldn't handle that, it seems so unfair, so undeserved. I've had people do this to me in the past (a couple of exes that I broke up with and contacted later, a couple of friends I ran into disagreement with) but never someone so close. I really really wanted, at least, to retain his respect. I am almost tempted to call him now, just to double-check that we are ok, but, again, I fear that either he won't pick up at all, or he will just to tell me that he's found someone new. That seems out of character to him and the nature of our relationship, which has always been respectful, but he also ignored my email (no good lucks or see you laters) and joined that hateful group... I don't know what I am looking for. Advice on how to proceed, I guess (should I call him? I am very tempted right now to break NC). Maybe just some understanding.
Author spookie Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 Gawd, I am in a state. What I miss the most is sleeping next to him, on our old twin bed. I miss how he would spoon me from behind, every night, how we fit like puzzle pieces, his knees in the crevice of mine, my torso pressed to his chest. I miss how that feels. I miss lying side by side on our backs in the dark, holding hands with our legs intertwined. I miss holding him, kissing his bare back, his neck, playing with his hair. I miss what he looks like naked. It's funny, I don't know how it is for guys, but I can sooner see myself sleeping with someone else than sharing something as intimate as sleep. When I go over these kinds of memories, it's so obvious to me that we loved each other. Is he missing me, now? Did I fabricate the reasons to terminate our friendship in my own mind? He had wanted to remain friends. He was putting a lot of effort into maintaining contact, and the minute he dropped off the face of the earth (because his phone broke!) I freaked out and started all this. I just don't know. I feel so split.
Author spookie Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 Well, I called him. He picked up, my biggest fear thus laid to rest. The conversation was painful, but cathartic. He sounded like a completely different person from the one I dated for so long. Completely different interests, hobbies, friends, goals, ideals, everything. It literally broke my heart, because at that moment I knew it was really over. He is gone. I bawled like a baby after, listening to "our" song, The Origin of Love, on repeat. And I am not even prepared to deal with where this leaves me, with the answers and the questions.
funkybassplayer Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Well, I called him. He picked up, my biggest fear thus laid to rest. The conversation was painful, but cathartic. He sounded like a completely different person from the one I dated for so long. Completely different interests, hobbies, friends, goals, ideals, everything. It literally broke my heart, because at that moment I knew it was really over. He is gone. I bawled like a baby after, listening to "our" song, The Origin of Love, on repeat. And I am not even prepared to deal with where this leaves me, with the answers and the questions. Freinds will bever work with someone you love. You spoke that you went into no/contact for you. Thats what i did and stuck to it, and im all but healing very well. You cant worry about what he thinks, and after a time you wont even care what he thinks. I mean that. I was like you, worrying about this n that, and it was eating me up, i went into no contact, and now i dont even want to hear from her. You got to do it for you. Now you have the truth that he does'nt really care go back into no contact and start again.
Author spookie Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 I have been in love twice. The first time was when I was sixteen and visiting my hometown, out of which my parents had just moved. It was with someone I had been friends with for a couple of years, that I respected a lot (and still do). I don't know why, but when we saw each othher again that summer after being apart for about a year, sparks just flew. We had three weeks, and we spent every day with each other, sunrise to sunset. Though I can't remember the feeling anymore, I know I felt giddy, lightheaded, that I literally shook. I know nothing after has paralleled the intensity of that connection: none of my relationships or friendships since, none of the drugs I've tried. I was devastated when it was over. It took me three years to get over him. I don't remember anymore exactly how those three years felt, but I know that I cried in grocery stores a lot because I felt so alone. I know that everything I saw, so many miles away, reminded me of him. I had rebounds - lots of them - and I would lie in bed thinking how lonely sex was and wishing I were somewhere else, in someone else's arms. I really didn't believe that I would EVER get over him, that I would ever meet someone I could love, after that love, again. Of course then I met my current ex, with whom I did fall in love and who managed to break my hear even harder three more years later. And I feel, again, that I won't be able to love, not like that... but I felt that the first time around. Is this how it always feels? Will I really move on from this, too, and find someone to love again just as fiercely?
ruby_gloom Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 aww, spookie. *hugs* i'm so sorry you are feeling so bad right now. i just read your posts, and i was kind of disappointed that you called him. come on, spook, did you really think it was going to do any good? what were you hoping for? to just have him answer, therefore meaning that he doesn't "hate" you? or were you really looking for something else? either way, you shouldn't have called. i know it doesn't really matter now, but i am telling you think just in case there is another time in the future, where you will feel like you do now, you'll remember it was painful, thus hopefully prompting you to stay away. look, you haven't done anything to cause him to hate you. hate, like love, is a very strong emotion, and you do not hate/love someone just for just. it takes powerful actions and sentiments. yes, you guys broke up, but you didn't anything horrible to him. if anything, he was the one with the more distasteful actions. why would he hate you? he doesn't hate you, and if he says he does, he's only saying that to hurt you and to find some way to purge his feelings, even if it means deluding himself. he joined that group for those same reasons. he doesn't mean it. you are not a succubus. and that's it. you need to not contact him anymore. you already did and now you know what you might have to deal with if you continue to do so. i had a similar experience: during one of our break-ups, the exbf and i were not talking. one day i caved and i called him--big mistake. he picked up and i felt relieved, thinking it couldn't be all that bad if he was still answering my calls, you know? well, we talked and he was a completely different person: he was telling me how he now thought life was all about drinking, partying, listening to pink floyd, and living it up. he told me how drunk he had gotten X and Y weekend, and how this past Z day he had gone to the beach and how he was swimming around, having fun with his new "girl friends." i thought i was going to die. this was not the same guy i knew not even one month ago, and the way he insouciantly talked to me made the pieces of my broken heart break even more. i remember i cried a lot after that conversation, and just like you, i put on our song, "wish you were here" by pink floyd, looped it and cried myself to sleep. it was so painful, but i admit that i completely set myself up for that. but you know what? after some months, when we were "okay", i asked him about that, and he told me that he had been lying. i believed him because there were absolutely no remnants of that "new life" or anything--he made it up to make it seem like to him i was a name long forgotten, while i still hurt like the first day. the point is: maybe he is doing new things, but do you seriously think he already forgot about you? no. even if he got a new girlfriend, would it mean he lost all feelings for you? no. you know that. he is hurting, too. maybe not as much or in the same way, but he is hurt because of the break-up, too. just because he is trying to show otherwise doesn't mean he has stopped caring. but the thing here, spookie, is that you need to know that, and leave it at that. just forget about it. know that you did nothing to warrant him hating you (he doesn't, i swear), and that he does feel pain like you do. everyone hurts after a break up; if they don't it's because they never really cared, but i'm sure he did and still does. right now, just try to pass each day as best as you can. while i cannot say that "one day the hurt will be gone," i can assure you that one day it won't be as strong if you just let things run their course. however, if you keep trying to rekindle contact prematurely, all you'll accomplish is to be reverted back to day one--you'll achieve no progress that way. i know you love him, and i completely understand what you are feeling; i feel the very same way. i know that while i might have done some pretty bad things, i didn't do anything for him to hate me for. i know that he knows that i care about him still, and probably always will, to a certain degree, and i know that he knows where to reach me, if he wants. i don't know if time really does heal everything completely, but i do know that time allows things to happen. you just have to go through the days as best as you can and see where it all takes you. you will find yourself somewhere, somehow, you'll see. and that place may very well be just the place you want to be. aw, spook, i feel bad because you are. i know what it's like. ha, believe me--i know. keep posting, okay? and once you can PM, PM me, yea? *hugs* i hope you're feeling better today. oh and: Will I really move on from this, too, and find someone to love again just as fiercely? i'm sure you will. you were in love once before, and when that ended, you were heartbroken and convinced you'd never love another as much, but you did. and maybe even more. i'm sure that, if things don't work out with him, you'll find another to love, without the breakups. cheer up, buddy.
Chinook Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Spookie -- I don't know what to say. I was where you are not so long ago. But, you called and now you know. It's not that he hates you...he just doesn't care anymore. He's moved on. The lover, partner and friend you built up inside your heart and mind and continue to do so, he doesn't exist anymore. Not for you. He hurt you and you hurt him. There is no going back from that place. You will move on in time. There will be something which hits home and forces you to move on. It will smack you like a thousand slaps and it will sting twice as hard. But it will happen. Then you will be able to take a step back from the pain and you'll be able to look objectively at the relationship, at him and at yourself. You'll come to realize that, yes...you will be able to love again and as fiercely as before...simply because the force of your love was NOTHING to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with you and who you are, how you feel things. Someone will come into your life when you least expect it and that person will make your love worthwhile again. Until that time, keep breathing and keep talking. Keep healing.
Author spookie Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Thanks so much for the responses Ruby, Chinook, and FBP. They really mean a lot. It makes me feel so much better knowing I am going through a very universal experience, that this kind of pain is something everyone feels at one point or another. Yesterday on the phone with him I stupidly told him I did want to be friends. He said to call him next, he'd be there, but I even more stupidly told HIM to call ME. I know he will...but, now that I have regained my rationality, I know I don't want him to. So, once again, I will be faced with the issue of what to do: ignore or pick up, stay friends or no. Ugh. It was such a mistake to call him. I can feel my resolve to stay away from him weakening. I can feel myself taking on the blame, making promises that next time will be different, that I will MAKE him love me. I know how destructive those thoughts are. Not just because they are pointless because I can't make anyone love me, but because I SHOULDN'T EVEN WANT HIM! He is completely wrong for me. He has messed with me so many times. He lied to me through his teeth about issues I based life-changing decisions on. He knowing misled me. For the past two years, I was constantly stressed out because my allegedly serious boyfriend constantly failed to meet basic expectations. It was like beating my head against a wall. But I woudln't leave. I loved him. I chalked his inability to be a good boyfriend to cluelessness, immaturity (when I wasn't questioning my own sanity for having those kinds of expectations). I realize now he wasn't clueless. He knew exactly want I wanted, exactly what I was looking for. He just never had any intention of giving me those things, but instead of admitting that, instead of giving me the facts to make my own happiness, he just constantly shrugged me off, constantly blamed everything on my neediness, or, as he liked to call it, my "insanity". (I am not talking material things here, or even "big" things. I just mean time and boyfriendly consideration.) What a jackass, now that I think about it. I have no idea why I would want to be with someone like him. We have nothing in common anymore. Nothing. It's just, I love him. I can deal with not getting anything from him, but I can't seem to be able to deal with not being able to give.
Interpersonal Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I can relate to what you are saying how is it possible to love someone so wrong for you! I have been wondering the same thing for the last 2 weeks. The big question is how do you switch off such a natural emotion. I think we try and think of all the bad things in our relationships just so we can feel angry. Anger is an easily managed emotion. We try and justify ever reason why we should feel nothing for them. What used to be simple task - going to work, eating out etc have become an obsticle, because our whole lives and emotional well being have changed. We have to start living hour to hour and just try and get through it without having a melt down. Humans are scared of change and being alone - that why we clutch on to something so hard just so our little safe bubble around us does not burst.
ruby_gloom Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Thanks so much for the responses Ruby, Chinook, and FBP. They really mean a lot. It makes me feel so much better knowing I am going through a very universal experience, that this kind of pain is something everyone feels at one point or another. Yesterday on the phone with him I stupidly told him I did want to be friends. He said to call him next, he'd be there, but I even more stupidly told HIM to call ME. I know he will...but, now that I have regained my rationality, I know I don't want him to. So, once again, I will be faced with the issue of what to do: ignore or pick up, stay friends or no. Ugh. It was such a mistake to call him. I can feel my resolve to stay away from him weakening. I can feel myself taking on the blame, making promises that next time will be different, that I will MAKE him love me. I know how destructive those thoughts are. Not just because they are pointless because I can't make anyone love me, but because I SHOULDN'T EVEN WANT HIM! He is completely wrong for me. He has messed with me so many times. He lied to me through his teeth about issues I based life-changing decisions on. He knowing misled me. For the past two years, I was constantly stressed out because my allegedly serious boyfriend constantly failed to meet basic expectations. It was like beating my head against a wall. But I woudln't leave. I loved him. I chalked his inability to be a good boyfriend to cluelessness, immaturity (when I wasn't questioning my own sanity for having those kinds of expectations). I realize now he wasn't clueless. He knew exactly want I wanted, exactly what I was looking for. He just never had any intention of giving me those things, but instead of admitting that, instead of giving me the facts to make my own happiness, he just constantly shrugged me off, constantly blamed everything on my neediness, or, as he liked to call it, my "insanity". (I am not talking material things here, or even "big" things. I just mean time and boyfriendly consideration.) What a jackass, now that I think about it. I have no idea why I would want to be with someone like him. We have nothing in common anymore. Nothing. It's just, I love him. I can deal with not getting anything from him, but I can't seem to be able to deal with not being able to give. AHHH!! spookie, you need to stop this madness. STOP IT! right now you are thinking with your head, realizing and understanding that being with someone like him--in any type of relationship--is not good for you; at least, not now. that's great, but what happens next? you seem to think extremely well with your brain, but you also seem to choose to let your heart carry out your actions. it's as though you are fully conscious that calling him or having any sort of contact with him is bad for you and your (mental/emotional) wellbeing, but you do it anyway. right now you sound determined to sever the contact, and you sound convinced that he is not the person you should be with, but you have posted this before--and you have caved and have talked to him. do you see what i'm saying? it's as though you go through cycles with your thoughts and feelings towards him and your relationship. the thing here, though, spook, is to break away from this cycle or else you'll continue in this way for who knows how long. sure you're brain is doing a fabulous job at reasoning, but it will do little good if you continue in this way, letting your heart and feelings take over. (look at the pot calling the kettle black. sigh.) you're never going to get over him if you keep doing this. it's like you're going through mini-heartbreaks even after the big heartbreak: that's going to really wrangle your heart and mind, spook. you really have to stop. i know it's hard. sometimes i feel like i love and am connected to my exbf in such a way that i can almost feel his respiration running through my veins--it's that bad. but what can i do? i've already twisted myself into a pretzel for him (which is not a good thing, for starters), and not even that has worked. you're right: you can't make anyone love you. yet that doesn't mean that you can "make" yourself stop loving another, either. it just fades, with or without external help. right now, though, you are not helping it fade at all by keeping in contact with him. maybe you don't want to stop loving him yet, and that's understandable, but know that you doing this does not make the situation better in any way whatsoever. you have to let go, if only for now. if you don't, you're going to lose sight of everything that is you.
Author spookie Posted July 25, 2007 Author Posted July 25, 2007 Hello Everyone. It has been roughly two weeks of NC, and I am proud (and a little surprised) to say that I have not relapsed once. Two weeks of COMPLETE NC. Not one phone call, AIM convo, email, facbeook stalk, googling of his name. I haven't cried once. I haven't even thought about him that much - every time my thoughts start drifting that way I just force myself to think about or do something else. I wanted to thank everyone for their support, especially ruby_gloom and Chinook. You've been right on with your words of advice and your posts really helped me keep everything in perspective and keep the insanity in check. To everyone on this forum in my situation: keep up the NC. It really does help you heal, and you already know that obsessing and keeping in touch sure as hell don't help anything, other than accelerating the loss of your self-respect. It helps if you can finally wrap your mind around the fact that it's over and forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the relationship as well as all the pathetically desperate things you have done thereafter. Keep your mind on the future and realize that your ex won't be in it. I wish I had some less cliched pieces of wisdom to share that would make all this easier for you all, but I don't. I'm not sure the pain of loss is something anyone can reason or act through. It's just something you make a conscious decision and effort to let go of. You have to make that choice. Everyone always says to stay busy and hang out with friends, but what I have found helped me is doing exactly the opposite. All the social stuff I kept doing in the past to ease the pain only made everything worse, and didn't help with my personal growth at all. It just kept reminding me of how much more I liked my ex than my friends =(, and also kind of pushed me into alcohol and drug dependence =(, since I found it hard to socialize sober. So this time, I'm taking time off to focus on myself, away from other people (and thus pressures to "be" someone, "be" myself). This whole experience made me realize just how much of myself I had compromised away, so I am taking time to get everything together. Figure out my beliefs, direction, ambitions, interests, etc. Expand my base of knowledge and my vocabulary. Get fit. Face my demons. Let myself feel the voids I was born with, that I naively believed this relationship was going to fill up (a fear-shaped hole in my soul aching with the knowledge that we die alone, un-understood). Luckily, I have been spending the past two months at home, where I have no job, no obligations, and my loving family, which includes 3 awesome siblings, to spend time with. I have been working out 2 times a day (with awesome results - I can almost see my abs!), growing out my hair, studying for these tests I have to take, and reading a lot. I recommend "The God of Small Things" - it's so beautifully written. I am a little worried that when I go back to college next week, I'll slip and get off track again because I will miss the old routine (which of course starred the ex in the lead role), but I am hoping if I prepare well enough, I'll be ok. My work IS cut out for me - there is so much I will need to do in the upcoming semester (make up for 3 years of doing nothing but smoking pot and having relationship problems, pregnancy scares, and one abortion). *Sigh*. No point in self-hating, though - a lesson HAS been learned. I will never again persist in loving someone who won't love me back.
Chinook Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 Hello Everyone. So this time, I'm taking time off to focus on myself, away from other people (and thus pressures to "be" someone, "be" myself). This whole experience made me realize just how much of myself I had compromised away, so I am taking time to get everything together. You done good kid. I'm really pleased to see this post and this little bit up there... I agree with. I don't think the 'socialise' thing works for me either. I have to sit on my pain a while; figure it out... what caused it and then deal with it. Then, I can move on. For me, doing the social thing is just avoiding that. Keep going Spookie, you'll be fine, I'm sure.
ruby_gloom Posted July 25, 2007 Posted July 25, 2007 spookie!! i'm so happy to read this update! congratulations for the two whole weeks of NC! i know how hard it is to break off contact completely, but now that you have, don't you think it's easier than not? your posts are so amazing to read, especially given your age. thanks for your own words of encouragement. you are right in that persisting to love someone who doesn't love you back is futile, but don't forget that when we are in the very core of the pain, rationality and logic has no power. that said, don't expect your feelings to be 100 percent gone and for you to have no more relapses because you might, though i hope not. right now, you are in a good place, spook, and while it might feel like you are still missing something, remember that that which you are trying to fill the hole with doesn't quite exactly fit the mold. try not to let go of what you have realized and if hard times come again, read this thread again--read your thoughts, and hopefully you will see that you really don't want to go through all of that pain and misery again. i'm sure you won't, especially not for a ghost of something that died long ago. hugs to you, buddy. i hope you continue to do well. and don't leave here, okay?!
Author spookie Posted July 29, 2007 Author Posted July 29, 2007 The dreams have started up =(. They are, unfailingly, unpleasant. Intimate and humiliating. There is always a sense of dread, of time ticking. Even in my sleep, I can feel the paranoia. I wake up unrested, drenched in sweat. Last night I dreamt that it was our wedding. We were at the reception with our friends and family, celebrating. I was doing that head-thrown-back-in-laughter thing brides seem to always be doing in pictures. Then we were alone in our room, still dressed up. I could see distance in his eyes. The dread settled in. I fought back tears. I knew he wouldn't want to make love. Tonight: we were on a ski trip with his family. He was irritated and ignoring me. Everyone else kept using words I didn't understand and getting angry at me when I asked for definitions. Then his brother took his pants off and began hugging me and I was so desperate for affection that I didn't protest, even though I knew he was engaged. Their dad saw and told me I was a spoiled brat with no potential. Wesley was unperturbed. I guess I knew this was coming and it's just something I'll have to deal with. I wish the dreams were slightly more pleasant but this is better than dreaming of the good times and waking up to the knowledge that it's over. It's funny, though, how WELL the dreams capture the negative feelings I often felt so strongly in the relationship: vulnerability, humiliation, hopelessness. I'm impressed. Go, brain.
ruby_gloom Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 well, at least your brain is trying to further project the feelings you had while in the relationship. it is very interesting actually, since most of the time it is very common to have nostalgic dreams of the better times. perhaps this will help you cope by helping you reinforce the negative feelings you had, thus making it clearer that your relationship was slowly but surely draining your very being. i hope you will start having more pleasant dreams, though, but not about him. while it's good night therapy, your brain also needs to let you relax instead of making you analyze things even in your sleep. i, for one, have given up sleeping altogether.
MagnoliaJane Posted July 30, 2007 Posted July 30, 2007 The dreams have started up =(. They are, unfailingly, unpleasant. Intimate and humiliating. There is always a sense of dread, of time ticking. Even in my sleep, I can feel the paranoia. I wake up unrested, drenched in sweat. Spookie... I've had nightmares too for a while... According to my psych friend it's a way of coping with what's happening in our lives. Probably there was a loss of feeling of being "in control" that is acting out in your dreams. We can't control when someone distances himself... we see it happen, yet can't stop it. Your dreams seem to be about "not being able to stop what is happening".
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