Relationship problems

[ConfusedMe]

I dont know if this is the right forum but here goes. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year next week. It just seems lately like things have been going downward (for me at least.) It seems like she just annoys me lately and also has been more controlling as well. For a while I have been conflicted on whether to end it or not it seems like theres this part of me that wants to stay and another part that wants to leave.

 

Another thing is we also moved in together six months in to the relationship and it seems to me now that this was just way too early, now she's even talking about marriage which I said I am not really interested in right now. I almost think that us moving in too early may have created the feelings I have because I feel like I am suffocating as if I am not at work I am with her constantly because we live together.

 

It also seems to me that I just want to be single again and want to be able to do what i want/feel like. We have fought about this and it seems when we do she talks me in to staying again almost by manipulating the reasons I am leaving to put it on me and my problems. I know it sounds like I have pretty much made up my mind (which I think I have) I'm just confused and not having time to myself has intensified that. Thank you guy's for your advice I really appreciate it.

[Zapbasket]

I have a male friend who said to me several months ago, "I dunno GreenCove, when I'm not in a relationship I really want to be in one, and when I'm in a relationship I just want to be out." I know I can identify with that at times, in that when I'm in situations that require certain things of me on a consistent basis, I fantasize about having total independence to just "do what I want"...but when I'm in situations where I'm beholden to no one, I long for connection, constancy, and having things required of me. Do you identify with that at all? Could that be partly what you're experiencing?

 

That alone isn't reason to break up, I don't think. If you're going to go through the angst of breaking up, imo I think it needs to be in response to something about yourself or about the other person or about the relationship that you think won't change, ever, despite whatever amount of effort you put in, and that, if it doesn't change, you can't be okay with it as it is. Are there things about this woman that you feel will never change, that you can't see yourself ever being okay with? Are there things about yourself or where you are in life right now that make you feel you'd best be single? Are there things about how the two of you interact, or about your stated future goals (as well as those suggested through actions), that make you feel you won't be able to carry on together in the future without one of you sacrificing all your goals?

 

One solution to how you say you're feeling right now would be to suggest to your girlfriend that you not live together. You could continue with the relationship, and set up new boundaries regarding how and when you spend your time together and how you balance time together and time apart. Maybe also think about changes you could make about non-relationship aspects of your life: do you wish you had more friends, or closer friendships, or that you were closer to / more separate from your family? Do you want a more fulfilling / less demanding / higher paying / etc. job? Do you want more hobbies, or different ones? Try to envision whether changes in any of these areas would make you feel better about the relationship.

 

Also: make sure you share some of these concerns with your girlfriend. Sometimes what seem like irrevocable barriers in the walls of your own thoughts suddenly dissolve when you open up a dialogue with the other person about them. You might even find out that in fact she feels a little rushed or suffocated herself.

[ConfusedMe]

Yeah I see what your saying but when I have tried to move out before (and was persuaded to stay, like I said she's pretty manipulative) she told me if I left to not expect it to be the same when I came back. It seemed like if I moved out it will be over because like I said she wants to marry me and would not be okay with me moving out in any way. She's very clingy and said she has problems sleeping without me at night and gives me a guilt trip whenever I want to have time to myself or go out and do things without her.

 

Another issue is her controlling aspect. She has a history including her upbringing and other relationships she got cheated on it causing her to be controlling. Her family and my family has seen this as well that she is like this. She even admitted she has control issues. I don't see this really going away and this issue first started when she got anxiety again. Now when I try to leave she says it's because of her anxiety.

 

It just seems too like things that I used to like about her a long time ago I don't anymore, like they annoy me and I just want to be away from her. I guess when she got anxiety last year she changed and now I don't really like what she's become.

[funkybassplayer]

She sounds like my ex, Insecure, and selfish and just wanting things her own way. I got to the point where i found that i did not want to visit her, and sometimes when she rang i would not pick up. There were many more issues. I lost attraction for her in a big way as i felt pushed away by these things, but there were many more like she would'nt divorce, her kids who were lost, and drunk nights out with freinds.

 

In this situation you gotta look at it in the long run, will you be happy? can you live like that? better you do a positive move for you now rather than later whatever that action may be. You have to think of yourself. if you give in to her all the time, you will never have a happy life. That is what i knoew and why i could'nt sell my house to be with her. Anyway, i ended it went back then she ended it, and a few days later was with some1 new, well good luck to them both, im gonna find some1 that will give me back what i put in.