dixiedeb Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I know you've all heard it before, but this is the first time it has happened to me. I have been married for -what I thought was-26 happy years. Three years ago, I developed a rare lung disease with the only cure options being high doses of steroids. Many of you know that this drug causes weight gain and extreme mood changes. So here I am with 30 extra pounds that I had no control over and usually wanting to kill somebody about it. My self esteem had fled in fright! During my recovery time, my husband decided that I was not paying enough attention to him.. In other words, he found some one else in a game room online. I had a suspicion last fall, called him on it, and he agreed to clean up his act. Well, to make this short, the suspicion never left and I caught them together online the middle of March. Granted these two never met but had an emotional and sexual relationship via email and the phone. For two and a half years. He told her he loved her. But now he says he didn't mean it and that I am his true love and he wants forgiveness...that he was looking for a way out and I gave it to him....that I am the light of his life...that he was stupid and confused...doesn't know why or how he could ever do that do me..he will do anything to regain my trust and love...he can't imagine his life without me...and he has broken it off completely. Get the picture? Now you ask, do I love him? Yes, I do. BUT!!! When I start thinking about them together and the things they said and did together, I am consumed by such a rage that it scares me. I turn into and evil woman with equally evil thoughts. I want nothing more that to confront this woman and cause her the most abhorant, pain-searing emotional hurt I can throw at her. I want her reeling and staggering to the floor with a pain so great that she can't get up. I want her soul to be ripped out...I want her to feel just a bit of what I have felt these past four months. And when I'm feeling this way I hate my husband for deceiving me. Then, after some hours I seem to calm down. The slightest thing may set this off. Why all this anger toward this woman you ask? She is evil and has made it known to me she wants him back! Even though she is 700 miles away I don't trust her and don't totally trust my husband. So what do i do about this terrible anger? How do I deal with it? And will it ever get better or is this it?
tinke Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 do try to keep in mind that you entered a sacred bond with your husband, not that woman. it is HE who enabled the relationship, it is HE who disrespected you and your marriage. it seems that your rage is displaced. do you feel this is a situation that can be forgiven? or will it continue to pop up in the future..the mistrust, suspicions, etc?
Author dixiedeb Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 I know he betrayed me but I truly feel that he is remorseful and that he is trying his hardest to have me forgive him and keep him. As to will these episodes of wanting to kill HER continue? I have no idea. How long is it supposed to take to get over something like this?
tinke Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 i meant the mistrust from HIM, not about her. something like this IS difficult to sweep under the rug, can you truly forgive HIM?
LakesideDream Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Female 'Roid' rage. Don't worry about it. Nearly uncontrollable anger (or worse) is a side effect of steroid usage. You won't be completely "stable" until the steriods and their effects have the time to completely work out of your system. Sadly sometimes it takes years. I had a life threatening medical condition from 4-19 years old. In the 1950's the only treatment was anabolic steriods. I suffered side effects (including sterility) until I was 25 years old. I still carry an extra 25 pounds I can't keep off. The upside? I'm alive.
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