AAlexis Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I'm in my twenties and recently got married two months ago. Two days before the wedding, I found out from my groom's father, that my soon-to-be husband had sexually abused his younger brother. My husband was 13 at the time and his younger brother was 3. It only happened once, I know he does not have thoughts towards these things into his adulthood. But I find it very hard to forget and to be excited about our sex life. It's like I view him as doing this awful thing as the person he is NOW, not as a mistake he made as a kid. Any help? I also find myself very caught up in his past, ex-girlfriends, especially and am always dwelling in the past and constantly demanding answers from him about them or his actions. How can I live in the present and get over things?
jmargel Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Marriage counseling. I recommend that for everyone who gets married. I am sure your husband has faced the re-precussions for what has done and is still facing them today. If he has not shown signs of doing that sort of thing again, be with him for who he is now, and don't judge him because he made this awful decision so long ago.
Author AAlexis Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 Thanks for replying. I know logically that I can't hold this against him, he made a stupid mistake, and has had to live with himself for 12 years. It just seems I never let go, of anything really, (hence the ex-obsession too) I just can't seem to forgive easily and let go of the past, which I know is exactly what I need to do, otherwise my marriage will be in trouble. I can't keep dragging him thru the mud on issues we've already talked about and dealt with. It's just easier said than done...
Lynna Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Marriage counseling definitely. Clearly your H should have told you this once you decided to get married so that you would have had time to deal with it and process it. Communication is vital in a healthy marriage, it should not have come out right before your wedding. And also look into individual counseling for yourself, that will give you a chance to examine why you can't let things go, why you obsess about things. Once you know the why, you can work learning how to not obsess about things. It is easier said than done I know, so sometimes having outside help can make it a bit easier. Good luck!
nittygritty Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Your husband, most likely was sexually abused himself. His father told you two days before the wedding, did you talk to your now husband about it? Did his father offer any opinions as to why? Was he telling you as a warning or was he just sharing a family traumatic event? Sexual abusers don't just grow out of it and the success rate for recovery is not very good. Have you done any research about this? I think you need to find out more information from your husband. I also think you should go to some individual counseling from a Mental Health Professional because this is a really big issue for you to have to deal with.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Two days before the wedding, I found out from my groom's father, that my soon-to-be husband had sexually abused his younger brother. I guess I'm skeptical about both the source and the timing. Why would your FIL-to-be tell you that? And why two days before your wedding? Just strikes me as strange ? Have you talked to your H about this? Mr. Lucky
luvstarved Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I guess I'm skeptical about both the source and the timing. Why would your FIL-to-be tell you that? And why two days before your wedding? Just strikes me as strange ? Have you talked to your H about this? Mr. Lucky I agree, this is pretty sketchy...I hope you have done your own inquiries to get the whole truth about this... As far as dwelling on past girlfriends, etc, I see that as more of a "you" issue and you are right to not want to keep harping and rehashing with him. But that does not mean "drop it" either. That only amounts to suppressing and internalizing. I have very similar issues with jealousy and insecurity. I have flogged my H quite enough with it, yet have to admit that it is something that still plagues me. I BROUGHT IT UP in marriage counseling, but am going to pursue it with individual counseling...
Author AAlexis Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Thanks for all the replies, it really helps. My husband can't remember if he was ever sexually abused as a child, so I can't answer that. He was 13 when it happened, once, never again, and he's felt sick and disturbed over what he did his entire life. He's never had thoughts of doing anything like that, and just wants to forget as much as possible. The weird thing about the whole situation... his step-father told me tw days before the wedding. What I didn't mention, is that him and his wife (in-laws) did not attend the wedding and are very very devious and attacking. Close friends of the family and I knew they we're just trying to sabotage the wedding, and not to "warn" me about anything. My husband still continued living at home, taking care of his brothers, babysitting his nephews, and his parents never questioned him and knew he never did anything like that again, they even told me that after, that they had no worries this was something actually engrained in his personality. He hit puberty at like 11, so had a lot of things going on early in life. As far as obssessing over the past.... I know its all on me. I'm the one creating problems as he hasn't thought of him ex and really doesn't care for her. I'm always asking, well was she like this, or did she do that, blah blah blah, I just need to get over my own jealousy and insecurity. Any more thoughts?
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