SavingUs77 Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Like many others, this is my first time posting a message like this - but I am trying to do anything I can to save my marriage. Some background: We have been married for 7 years, engaged 1 year, dating for 2 (total 10 years). My husband has just told me a few weeks ago that he has been unhappy for a really long time (like 5 yrs!) and it just kind of hit him. He has told me he wants to get a divorce. We have no kids - but were just starting. We had an amazing relationship and somehow somewhere it went wrong and I definately feel as though I have to take ownership of most of it. When we were dating, we had an AMAZING sx life - but it dissapated as we were married. I always enjoyed when we did, but I always let him be the one to initiate. He had brought this up a couple times and I feel badly now that I did not take it more seriously as an issue. I thought to myself this is the way all my friends are also - it is just normal. Well it is not and I realize that now. It is not fair for one person to be always initiating that aspect of the relationship. We were intimate on average every 3 weeks or so. If you were to ask him, he would probably say every 5 weeks. Aside from a major revitalization needed in that department I also had my energies focused in all the wrong places. I work a somewhat demanding job and do some side work as a second job and thought that I deserved a cleaning lady and my H was deadset against it so I let the house be a mess and barely picked up after myself. Again, this was something he brought up to me and I did not take it seriously - I thought to myself (unconsiously at the time) - so the house is messy - what's the big deal. Well again, I realize now that if it is a big deal to one person, it is a big deal to the marriage. He also has been working 70-80 hours a week and refused to admit that could have anything to do with his unhappiness - he says he loves his job. I also dodged around changing my last name which was difficult for me b/c I kind of feel like it is part of my identity - but again it was something that was important to him, so I should have just realized that it meant more to him than to me. Our last major issue is the fact that I like nice (ok, expensive) things. He has said that all those things are what really matter to me and that I am materialistic and could not live without them. While I agree that I often get swept up in keeping up with the Jones' and having the next best thing - those things are not what define me as a person and I would give them all up in a heartbeat to have him be happy. Of course I have said this to him and he does not believe me. While I agree that we needed a major overhaul on our marriage - divorce is not the option that I want. I have told him that I never realized he was unhappy, and that I was sorry that I did not pay attention to the things that he had mentioned and that I am going to make a conscious effort everyday to change these things b/c I did not fully realize what impact they were having on me, him and us. He is at a point now where he seems to be just so angry that he cannot even comprehend getting past it. He came to one MC session with me which did not go well. He pretty much used the hour to tell me and her that there was no point in it for him b/c his mind was made up and he was just going b/c he thought I needed therapy. I have still been going by myself - and I ask him to go but he does not seem to want to do it. It has been 3 weeks. He has not moved out & he has not contacted a lawyer yet. On one hand he says that he is sure that he wants a divorce, but sometimes he says and does things that leads me to believe that there is hope. He says he still loves me... I just need some advice from anyone who may have been here before to see if there is anthing that can be done to get him out of this horrible place he is in and see that we can change and make the marriage even better than it was in the beginning.
Topper Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 What does your MC say about his rant in the one session attended? If he was voicing his anger then maybe it was a good thing. seems like neither one of you were good at communicating. Maybe the MC can give you some ideas of how to get your h to attend a few sessions. The thing is if he is unwilling to bend then there isn't much you can do.
Author SavingUs77 Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 The MC did not really have anything to say about it except that he seems fixated on this direction. You are definately right on the communciation piece - which I am well aware of now. My hope lies in the fact that he has not made any moves to move out yet or contact a lawyer. He has also told me that he feels he has been depressed for some time. The MC gave him the names of some other people to see if he did not feel comfortable with her since she is seeing me as well so I am hoping he calls one of them. While we are sleeping in seperate rooms, he sometimes comes in while he thinks I am asleep in the morning and gives me a kiss goodbye. He also seemed to act upset when I told him that I had contacted our realtor to look at selling the house. Of course for the last few weeks the house has been immaculate and I have tried to be as productive and positive as I can be about the changes I want to make in my life to show him that I mean business. I can see in his eyes that he still loves me - what we had was amazing and that doesn't just go away. I just think he is hurt, angry and confused and walking this line of which he could fall in either direction. I know in my heart that if he does go through with this he will regret his decision later on in life. For as much as I am being very hard on myself right now - I know that while I wasn't doing everything right and what I was supposed to, there were many things that I did right and we have always had such a good time together. Any H's out there have any advice for me on how I can convince him to give us a shot? That is all I am asking for him - not an eternal committment - just a chance to show him that I/we can make this work.
Topper Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 You contacted realtor without talking to him first. Another bit of the lack of communication. I'm not dumping on you just pointing it out. Sometimes we have blinders on and don't see things. I'm sure you have your on. So does he. You seem to be slowly taking your off and getting a hard look at yourself. Both of you are working a lot of hours. That does not leave much time for each other. The fact is most Americans send more time with their co workers then they do with their family. By the time you get home how much quality time does anyone really have? You make dinner pay bills do chores, like cleaning and laundry and have little time to reconnect to each other. what made your marriage so amazing? When did you have time to have this amazing marriage? Ask yourself why are the two of you working so hard? He is very conflicted right now. You are hurting. Let him know you understand he is conflicted and unhappy. Ending things most likely will not solve those problems. In fact they will ad a lot of burdens and unforeseen problems. Go to the book store get some books on communications and read them. You may also ask him to do some of his own homework.
Author SavingUs77 Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 I appreciate your honesty - that is what I am here for! I feel as though I am in this limbo stage, I had brought up the selling of the house 2x before and his answer is always "I don't know - what were you thinking" - so I guess I felt like I needed to do something to feel somewhat in control of the situation. Which is also I think part of my issue. You are also right about the working so hard - I realize now that is not what is important in life - my husband is! I am definately going to get some books on communciation! I just hope it is not too late!! I would say that in the beginning it was amazing - he even said he used to wake up every day and say to himself how great it was. Even through the disconnect we've experienced, we still always had alot of fun together. It is just that we lost that higher/deeper level of connection. I know that we can get it back (we are both very driven people) - but I guess he has to want it as well.
quiet1one1 Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 You are both trying to control the situation - in very different ways - but controlling nonetheless. This usually causes the other partner to react in ways that just discourage communication. I think this has to stop in order for you to move ahead and work on the other stuff.
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