purety1 Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I posted my story yesterday... I went home yesterday, got online, saw he was online... DID NOT MAKE CONTACT.. but looked at his page.. saw a comment from one of his friends about moving back to Cali. I balled my eyes out.. It really hurts to know you care about someone and they threw you away.. without a reason.. won't look you in the eye...probably don't even think of you.. when you spend some of your day thinking of them. I have completely cut contact... but I still miss him and I just don't get it. One day everything is fine.. .the next day he doesn't want me to look at him... doesn't answer my calls...deletes me online... decides he wants to say hi to me all of a sudden around his coworkers when I have been just ignoring him. I am angry i feel like he just used me and then felt like he could just get rid of me.... without a thought. This sucks. I gotta keep my head up, smile on my face.. and my activities and thoughts elsewhere. Maybe one day he will come around and apologize maybe he won't either way I am going to keep on living to the fullest.
pantheralum93 Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Hi Purety1. I totally understand what your going thru. Me and my ex split up about a month ago. We had been dating for 5 months and things were going well. We had different schedules and we lived 85 miles apart and there were some things that need to be worked on in our relationship but nothing that warranted her just calling it quits on me with little to no warning. I too am feeling like she just threw me out and doesn't think about me. I have really tried hard to stick to the NC thing but broke down once sending her a text and trying to call her (did not leave vm). Just recently I decided to write her a letter as I felt that the need to express my feelings to her. I did so without any expecation of a reply or any hope that we would reconcile. So, yes I agree NC is hard!
Author purety1 Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 I don't know if you just read what i posted about 45 minutes ago.. but i just got confirmation he is leaving to go back to Cali probably this weekend. All I can do is cry... after me being good to him.. and thinking that we could get to know each other... he cut me off. won't look at me..or return my phone calls. I guess since I was only talking to him for about 2 months..I never meant anything to him.. although at one point in time i thought i did...but I guess I was just a bootycall. I don't know how I am going to get thru tommorow if he is still around.. and if he is not at work someone how I have to hold my head high.. and not thing about how the situation when from good to bad fast...HE PURSUED ME FIRST... and he then left me without an explanation.. oh yea.. he is moving back to Cali.. but i guess I didn't mean anything to him for him... Cali is where he wants to be..doesn't include a girl on the east coast.. who treated him good. None of that matters. Its hard not to call someone and say why would you hurt me like this... why be a coward and try to avoid me or not even want to look at me..when just weeks ago he was extra pleasant to me.. leading to I don't want to look at you. How can i want to contact someone who deleted me from his online friends...but being the better person in this whole situation..whether i ever tell him... I have to wish him the best.. because that is who I am.. when i am not drowned by these emotions.. I believe he deserves to be happy. I think he needs to grow up and I think your girlfriend needs to grow up too.. you can't just treat people like that... what comes around goes around. Yet you wonder how is it that i am hurting and they are walking around possibly smiling.. never to think of you again
sao2 Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 If he could just let you go like that why want him? I know it is easier to say than it is to feel that way. For me the worst part about breakups is just that, how come they get to live there life not even thinking about you while you have to sit there and "heal" over it.
Author purety1 Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 yes..yes...yes... that is so true!! We are left to heal and they seem to just go on. I am at the point now where I am ready to let him go.. after how he acted today. Today I had to see him.. I walked by him several times.. he just stared and then i decided to be friendly to him and his friend. I said jokingly you 2 talk too much..do some work. He had this ignorant look on his face, just looked away and his friend looked at me and said this is grown people talking here.. and I just said whatever and walked out. I was so mad.......... I just walked out shaking my head.. then i turned around and he was coming out of the building. I got to my car, looked up and he put his head down. I could have said something to him but I just drove off. And I am now at work... just ignoring his presence... I don't even want him anymore...I know his coworkers may think negative of me... but I don't care.... if he told them anything..I just cared about him and I have been doing the normal things I always do at work when he is or isn't around. I guess I could thank him for being such a jerk... showing me what i have been wanting is no what i ever deserved. How can one person treat another person like that??? It's so childish.. but gave me more reason to just get rid of him.
McFadden Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 NC gets easier as time passes. After a certain amount of time breaking contact will seem harder and more out of the routine than staying in NC. I'm not saying it is easy to get over the ex or that it won't take a long time but the NC aspect of it gets easier in my experience.
Author purety1 Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 I know... right now i guess there has to be a few week moments before you are strong enough to understand NC is necessary to better yourself.
Chinook Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Purety, I've just read your original post about the break-up. I think you need to sit back and think about things. The way you're talking it seems that this relationship meant alot more to you than it did to him. IMHO, He treated you abysmally if you guys were actually *in* a relationship. But from what you posted originally, I have to ask you, were you guys in a relationship, or was it a lot more casual than that...? Because from his actions - it seems that HE thought it was more casual. It looks like he did what is commonly referred to as 'the fade' on you. But you didn't let it go so easy. He isn't coming back. NC is necessary for YOU to get YOU back on track. If I'm honest, NC doesn't have anything to do with the ex in the respect of the rules of it all. NC is about HEALING YOURSELF. He's not coming back, the more contact you have with him, the more painful it will be.
Author purety1 Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 well i must say we weren't in a relationship.. it was a casual thing. I thought maybe we were talking and getting to know each other but it seems as though you are right. So you are saying how he treated me wasn't wrong because we weren't in a relationship? I guess it did mean more to me than it ever did to him.. i doubt he even cared by the way you explained about the fade.. and i just hung around like a loser i guess. You were honest and i must say you are right i guess. So him ignoring, avoiding and having an ignorant attitude towards me isnt wrong?.. because i didn't see he was doing the fade on me. What actually is the fade? Thanks for your honesty... I guess now I can really get it together.
Chinook Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 well i must say we weren't in a relationship.. it was a casual thing. I thought maybe we were talking and getting to know each other but it seems as though you are right. So you are saying how he treated me wasn't wrong because we weren't in a relationship? I guess it did mean more to me than it ever did to him.. i doubt he even cared by the way you explained about the fade.. and i just hung around like a loser i guess. You were honest and i must say you are right i guess. So him ignoring, avoiding and having an ignorant attitude towards me isnt wrong?.. because i didn't see he was doing the fade on me. What actually is the fade? Thanks for your honesty... I guess now I can really get it together.I'm not saying the way he acted was right because there are simple rules and courtesy which he should have abided by. 'The Fade' is wrong. IMHO. It's rude and inconsiderate. But what I was trying to say is because you attached significantly more emotion to the liaison than he did, it affected you a lot more. If you weren't emotionally attached, it wouldn't bother you quite so much. He wasn't as emotionally attached, which allowed him to behave as if he didn't care. But like I said, common decency and respect should have made him actually call quits on things. The problem is, when it's a casual thing... this kind of behaviour (on both sides) is fairly common and it's only really a problem when one party is more attached. If you google "relationship" + "fade" it will throw up almost accurate descriptions of what this guy did - plus some hairy stories of men just simply disappearing into thin air. At least your guy told you he was going back to Cali. I think you need to let him go. He's not interested in pursuing a long term thing with you, so don't let him jerk you around. Oh and you're not a loser lady... there is no harm in having a little faith in human nature and love.
Author purety1 Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 Thanks... I understand what you are saying now..just needed some clarity.. And I appreciate all of your honesty. It all makes a little more sense now. He only told me he was actually leaving because I kind of made him talk to me otherwise he would have just walked past and ignored me like he had been. In all reality, I should have let him go a long time ago instead of driving myself nuts over it. I will def. learn, let him go and again i appreciate it.
Author purety1 Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 one last question..although it doesn't matter....Why does he stare at me when i am around him.. when i walk by...?
Chinook Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 one last question..although it doesn't matter....Why does he stare at me when i am around him.. when i walk by...?Quite simply because you DID have an effect on him. You DID cause the flutterings of emotion inside him. Of course you did. But he's intelligent enough to know that those first flutterings don't make a relationship and so he avoided giving you that commitment because he knew he couldn't give it. I don't think he wanted to let you down really - but he knew he was going to. For some guys that whole 'fade' thing is simply because they actually don't want to be faced with hurting you. That's human nature and shows some compassion. But they don't realise that it's simpler and easier to just be truthful. You'll heal from this and I doubt for a lady who can feel so much, that it will take that much time. People who are emotionally intelligent and aware of their feelings and emotions tend to deal with things in a much more mature and honest way (in my experience anyhow).
Author purety1 Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 Gotcha...makes sense....I think I learned more on this website than i have just talking to my close friends... Thank u!
Chinook Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Gotcha...makes sense....I think I learned more on this website than i have just talking to my close friends... Thank u! You're very welcome Sometimes it takes the viewpoint of a complete outsider and someone completely unbiased to bring things home. Very often I find talking to my friends doesn't help because they're all wanting the best for me. With the break-up I had, they all wanted it to end because the guy was an abusive control freak. They could see it, I couldn't. Until it was too late. Like I said earlier....sometimes our SO creates an illusion which doesn't actually exist and meanwhile we fall in love with that illusion and don't want to give it up. Human beings are nothing if not tenacious once they believe and trust in something. That is the most hurtful thing...now, for your guy I don't believe he did lead you astray purposely. Whereas my guy...that was his motive from the start.
Author purety1 Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 Yeah I understand what you mean... I feel that way with my friends too.. sometimes I don't even pick up the phone to call them when i get to feeling sad.... because I know they love me but they just do not help me at that moment. I think I just hold on to the illusion and the last tuesday night I actually talked to him and he was pleasant..the conversation was short of course... and then the fade began that thursday.. having to drive past him almost everyday was hard.. and then around other people he was cold. Then when i walk past and he just stared I just thought to myself.. why is he starin maybe he cares and he will eventually come around.. then the one day when he said hi to me in front of his coworkers after his coworker was joking around with me after not speaking to me for almost a month... I just didn't get it. and led me to think...and be more confused when I should have just let it go.. I still don't understand why he said hi to me anyway... It would have been different if I didn't work with him. I guess he may not have meant to lead me on purposely because i chose to care about him the way I did but it just rained on me that it was that way because it hurt. I hate to hear that people string other people along... that is terrible... than you have someone who is controlling that is the worst... I am glad you were able to get out of it....there is someone out there waiting for someone just like you... I think it just takes everyone time to find them.
Tormented Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I have really tried hard to stick to the NC thing but broke down once sending her a text and trying to call her (did not leave vm). QUOTE] Panther...out of curiousity, why did you call her but left no vm? I ask because my ex did that 2 weeks ago which I thought was odd. Not quite sure what he hoped to gain by calling my cell, sitting silent for a few moments, then hanging up. Perhaps he wanted me to see his number with the hope I'd call him? Don't know...maybe you can shed some light on this. ~T~
pantheralum93 Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 In my case I actually had planned/started to leave her a message, but for whatever the reason her cell phone voicemail would occasionally not detect my voice when attempting to leave her a message. So, I had no choice but to hang up. In your ex's case my guess is he (like me) wanted to either speak with you live or leave you a message but maybe when push came to shove he had seconds thoughts about what he had intended to say and therefore the silence and then the hang up. If that makes any sense.
AngryHeartache Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 I hate NC It;s so hard sometimes. I feel this urge to call, or message him, whenever I'm angry or sad about the break-up. For some reason the urge is strongest when angry. I just want to scream at him, lol. I know it's for the best that I don't contact him, since he was ignoring me and not brothering with me. But sometimes it's hell. Hang in there, girl. Most of us are in the same boat X
funkybassplayer Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 As time goes on and you stay in no contact, every day becomes better, and after a time, you dont even want them in your life, or the conatct from them. I can vouch for this.
AngryHeartache Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Just imagine the pain you would feel if you did have contact with them. If you heard their voice again, or even just read something. Sure you're hurting now, but that would hurt even more. Because the (huge) chances are, you won't get what you want from the contact. They may say something to you you do not wish to hear. They may only say like one word back to your heart-felt message/speech. Or, sometimes even worse, they may (and probably will) totally ignore it and brush it off. I know how hard NC is. I'm going through it too. But I have to just tell myself that it would hurt so much to hear him, or to be ignored again. Just remember that you most likely won't get anything postive from the contact...just more negative. And if there IS any chance of reconciliation, that aint gonna do it. That is just going to make it less likely, and push them away. They know where we are...let them come to us. If they ever do that is. Also realise that they may not. Ever. Harsh but true
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