hard time coping with therapist and exbf :(

[Fun2BMe]

I was proud of myself for finally ending my therapy (with a therapist who had turned the sessions physical and who I had fallen in love with). Initially I felt heartbroken and missed him. After 2 weeks of no sessions he started contacting me a lot and I went back, only to regret it. I managed to stay away again.

 

Then he got me to make another appointment (yeah I know, I know) but I missed it with the excuse that I had too much work. He kept calling me all that day to reschedule but I didn't take any of his calls knowing I might give in. In his last message he said he had run into my ex over the weekend who got in a little fight at a restaurant.

 

The next day my ex left a long voicemail stating they had run into each other, that he knows about our relationship! I was totally shocked because I couldn't believe the therapist would tell him something that secret on top of it being a patient-doctor confidentiality thing. It was supposedly a scene and all of that.

 

This was all 2 weeks ago. In the meantime it has made me emotionally unstable while both these men continually call and I don't take their calls. Finally tonight the therapist called to have a phone session since he is out of town and I have been avoiding seeing him. He brought up about my ex and I asked why he would tell him about us, but he denied that he did. He said my ex accosted him, kept asking if we discussed him in session and blames him for our break up and my therapist told me that his response was he can't discuss anything with him, so I'm confused how my ex would leave a vm so assuredly telling me he had found out about me and the therapist. One of the two are lying and I really need to know who it is.

 

Also on the phone my therapist was asking what I was wearing, things guys ask in phone sex, and I felt really uncomfortable and no longer have those loving feelings for him. Whenever they come back I remember how he is with his wife and it makes me feel so angry at how he has aroused these feelings in me knowing it would not go anywhere serious as I originally thought. I am feeling very abused, mistreated and hurt and don't know how to handle it.

 

I feel like contacting my ex, to talk things out with him and basically I am writing here to find out if that's a good idea, if I should tell hiim about what has happened with me and the therapist and get his help since I know that despite how I've been towards him, how I've been avoiding him and all, I know he still cares and suddenly I need someone there for me who really cares. But when I think of how he cheated, I am depressed that the one person I want to turn to is someone who had betrayed me.

 

What should I do??? I can't handlle it anymore and feel very violated and disgusted with myself at what happened with the therapist:o I feel like I need someone like my ex to help me to get away from him. I also feel like it's his fault for having referred me to him so I feel like I need to direct a lot of my anger on him. Should I write him a tell-all email? I don't want to regret anything either, or place myself in a situation where I will get hurt again.

 

I feel like both these men are moving on all the while I am left behind hurting because of them and don't know what to do. Continue dealing with them to try to fix things? I try but they won't leave me alone, and now I feel like I have to turn to the ex for help. Will that be ok to do? Oh and at the same time my ex-ex has been contacting me, the one who I had an ugly break up with. The one who I wanted to take back all the gifts I had ever given him, and here I am replying to his emails. I feel like the therapist has created a lot of wounds and I am now going to or getting tempted to go to the wrong people for help, or else maybe I could've worked things out with the ex? I can't even think straight.

[number2]

are you and your ex still in contact? obviously you still care about the guy, else you would just tell him to F off and not get into your business. Or are you leading him on and does he/you still think you'll have a relationship in the future? I sure hope not because this would kill any idea of that (if you guys were sane).

 

If you dont want anything to do with ex, just say -- i"t's none of your business."

 

now if you do still deep down want something to do with ex, well... then youre on your own

[Fun2BMe]

are you and your ex still in contact? obviously you still care about the guy, else you would just tell him to F off and not get into your business. Or are you leading him on and does he/you still think you'll have a relationship in the future? I sure hope not because this would kill any idea of that (if you guys were sane).

 

If you dont want anything to do with ex, just say -- i"t's none of your business."

 

now if you do still deep down want something to do with ex, well... then youre on your own

 

First thanks for reading the post I didn't realize how much I had written. The last time I saw him in person was in January and the last time I spoke to him was March 1. Since then he has left me messages and emailed me on a weekly basis, up until his last messages almost 2 weeks ago about the confrontation he had with the therapist, after which I think he has given up. I am defiitely not leading him on otherwise I would have responded now and then with things to make him think I would still want him. I made it very clear in my lost talk that there was no chance of a relationship, but having known each other for so long, he has not given up on me and now that I feel hurt by the therapist, he is the one person I feel I want to confide in for help as odd as it may seem.

 

I am so confused though. I feel like I will betray my therapist if I mess up and go back to the ex, I mean I pay him good money to advise me and he has brought me this far along. He was close to ecstatic that I didn't give in and talk to him after the last call he made, long and pretty much begging me to call him, reminding me of past things, up until my answering machine ran out of space. I don't know if the therapist is advising me against what is best for me? Or now that I feel I want to talk to the ex I am re-interpreting what's best for me? I don't know.

 

I don't know if I will feel the hurt all over again if I start talking to the ex or will he actually help me and be a true friend at a time when I am hurting so badly from the therapist. What do you think? I'm so tempted to send off an email to him any moment and am resisting it. I also feel it is an act of intentional rebelion against the therapist because I don't know if he is taking my best interest into consideration or putting me in a situation where he can make moves on me without being 'told on.' I am also desperate to find out from my ex if the therapist in fact did tell him about us, which would mean my therapist lied to me, or was he bluffing.

[Art_Critic]

Hey Fun,

First off.. congrats on taking the first steps to help yourself..

Stopping the sessions with your therapist must've been tough to do and you should be proud of doing it..please don't take any more phone sessions from him.. he will still bill you for those and continue to use you.

 

If you contact the ex it will just mess things up in your head even more..

Your ex will now use the info he has about the therapist to continue your hell..

Remember all the bad things your ex did to you.. remember how lonely you felt when he would go out of town and cheat on you..

 

You really need to get another therapist.. a female one in order to help you get thru this.

[number2]

Yeah --definitely get a new therapist. Many of them are trained and have lots of experience in many different fields. That therapist isn't the only one out there. In fact, there a whole MESS of psychological problems going inside that therapists head. He is completely manipulating you in order to have a sexual relationship to you. He is 100% for sur emaking things more complicated than they need to be.

 

Open that phonebook and book a new one. Don't be afraid to tell your new one about whats going on currently. I'm sure they would be appaled and that will give you a sense of how ****ed up it all is, and in return give you some insight and support on why you should get away from this current therapist.

 

Cheers.

[satori22]

Hi,

 

I definitely do not think your therapist has your best interest at heart. If he did he would not take advantage of your vulnerability and trust to initiate a sexual (and techinically illegal) relationship with you. As your doctor he is not in any way allowed to make such advances on you and you could potentially have his liscence revoked for this. I wouldn't trust anything he has to say, nor would I see or speak with him again. In fact I would report him because who knows how many women he has done this to. He is trained to be sympathetic, understanding, etc. and while this might help him to understand and help with your problems it also gives him a powerful tool to effectively manipulate you without you knowing it. He is 100% at fault here. You should end things with him immediately, and find a therapist who uses those tools to help not to hurt you. If he tries to force you to talk to him then report him.

 

As for your ex, it is easy to run back to someone who used to be there for you in times of trouble, but maybe instead of running to the past, try running to someone in your present or even your future. You don't need a romantic partner to comfort you or help you. Try looking to your friends for guidance and understanding, and maybe just think about what you really want and follow that. Being totally dependent on men who offer romantic promises can be a destructive pattern that leaves you being repeatedly manipulated and hurt. So maybe it is time to let go of your exes and all the men of the past and try to figure out what is best for you until you are ready to find the man who will treat you properly in the future.

[Fun2BMe]

Thanks for the comments. What a relief I hadn't contacted the ex yet, I thought I would get told that it would be ok but AC you reminded me so vividly how sad I used to be when he'd take off on his trips and now that I know he was cheating, it would only drive me more insane even if I kept it as a friends only.

 

You guys are right that I should move forward, it's just I feel desperate for someone close to get comfort from, but he might not be the best choice. I still couldn't admit the ther. is using me but I am waking up to it. I think I am going to email him right now, that I want no further phone or in person sessions. I want to give him the truth, like yesterday when we were talking, a lot of my issues stem from him but I was making up other excuses for them and that is a waste of my time and money all the while he continues to be a preditor on me.

 

I really needed to hear it from others since I am so lost right now. In fact I should scare him a little and tell him I am going to start seeing another therapist since I need in-person therapy and I can't wait for him to get back. THat might make him nervous since I have a lot I can talk about him and see what his response will be.

 

I was very distant at first on the telephone, I finally answered since he was calling nonstop, and he said he he still had memories of the physical even through the distance and time, and all his words suddenly sounded like BS, like why would he only talk to me when I pay him to? We started the session 20 min late since I was not answering the phone, yet he still ended it abruptly on the hour. Ugh I hate him so much for playing with my feelings and for being a pervert and having taken advantage of me when I was at my lowest.

 

The more I think of all that it makes me want to contact my ex to get sympathy and support, and to say see, how could you have sent me to such a man so then the rumor mills can start and maybe I'll find out if he's done this to other women which he denies when I ask him. I want to know if he's lying about that, and if he lied about not having told my ex about us when my ex clearly knew on his vm. He comes across so honest that I think it'll help me to find out if he is in fact a liar.

[Fun2BMe]

The moment I posted my last post I clicked onto my email page and saw that in the meantime the therapist had sent me an email asking what my Skye account number is to reach me on it and that it was good talkihng.

 

He must've realized how hard it was to contact me on my phone so he is trying to contact me on my computer sensing I am being hesitant about the whole thing. Just when I was getting ready to write an email that I don't want any more sessions...I will give it some time and tonight write back that I do't want 'sessions' (that I pay for and he can sexually harass me on...ughhh I can't believe I'm in this pathetic situation.)

[AriaIncognito]

Fun,

 

First of all, I'm sorry for this crappy situation you're in. It's hard enough to deal with the ex things let alone deal with a therapist, one who you were probably going to partially due to the ex thing. But I'm majorly concerned about something....

 

This "therapist" as we are calling him has broken like every rule. I think you should honestly think about reporting his actions to the AMA or whoever it is you report bad doctor things to. For one, he violated doctor/patient confidentiality agreements. I assume HIPAA and all that. Next, he developed a "relationship" with you that was unsuitable for a doctor/patient. Now, do I fault either of you for possibily falling for the other, not necessarily, however, the instant feelings were felt he should have stepped up and said he couldn't treat you anymore due to these conflicting interests.

 

This man shouldn't be "helping" others. With help like this out there, it's no wonder many people are anti-therapy....

 

I sincerely hope you consider reporting this information to the powers that be. This kind of behavior should not go unnoticed.

[Fun2BMe]

ariawoman, as far as reporting him, I am getting more and more tempted. At first I thought we were in love, but now I am starting to think he might be taking advantage of me, seeing how he initiates everything to turn sexual even on the phone while I pay him for a session, while I am feeling depressed over it and troubled.

 

Maybe I should email the bf just to find out if the therapist did in fact tell him about it to find out if a) he lies to me b) he broke our confidentiality agreement (I haven't signed anything but I understand it is an unwritten rule?) He alrady disclosed something very private to another party I am upset about.

[number2]

Fun,

 

You should definitely find a therapist that specializes in co-dependent people. Why? I used to be the worst of them all and you have all my symptoms!

 

You say you feel the need to have to be close to at least someone during this time when this time should be for you to figure out whats going on, and for you to be building YOURSELF back up, not needing someone to help you build yourself back up. Trust me, i've been through it.

 

Find a therapist that can treat you for codependency and it will do your world wonders. I've been through it.

[tinke]

since you and your ex are no longer together, it is not his responsibility to rescue you. he is NOT the answer, you may be setting yourself up for more hurt and disappointment.

although you took part in the actions with your therapist, it appears from your description that he clearly violated professional boundries. this is not acceptable and should be reported at once. i do not know of situations where a therapist repeatedly phones a client...red flag! why would you protect him? you entered treatment because you were feeling vulnerable, and if what you stated is indeed true, he crossed the line!!! yes, HE!

i don't believe you NEED to involve your ex in this matter.

however, if you are using this as an underlying reason to make contact with him...think about it first.

i'm unclear as to what you are seeking help with...the therapist or contacting your ex. because, IF the therapist did or did not disclose confidential information really is only secondary to his prior physical contact you had stated. if true, you already have reason to take action.

how does your ex play into this???

[Fun2BMe]

Tinke, that's a good question you ask - what's the underlying reason i want to contact the ex. If it was only to get support right now, I have also turned to my sister this afternoon, and she is flat out saying not to contact the ex, upset I would even consider it, but I really do need to find out if the ex lied to me and was bluffing that he knows about me and the therapist, or is the thrapist lying to me straight out, denying he told him and that he wouldn't breach our confidentiality. One of the two is lying, and I am in great suspense to know who it is so I can proceed accordingly.

 

Also, now that my feelings for the therapist are changing, I don't know if it was wrong for him to have advised me to let go completely of the ex, to have no contact with him AT ALL after knowing him (off and on) for SO long. He even told me to call the authorities on him!! He has this huge thing against my ex and now I am wondering if he's consulting me based on what's best for me, or best for his interests in pursuing me.

 

 

This is part of my sister's reply a few minutes ago to my email on whether to email the ex (both my ex and therapist are 'older men' ie many years older than me)

 

"Well (ex) is a user too and probably thinks that you are attracted to older men and since you stopped talking to him since you saw the therapist he is assuming that you fell for him. I would ignore (ex), not mix the two situations and distance yourself from the therapist for now until you can make a clearer judgment on his intentions. Like who is perusing who and are you leading him on then getting mad cause he took the bait? Remember when (ex) treated you like (sh*)."

 

She keeps insisting that I must be leading the therapist on. Yes, I can be flirty, but in this situation he always initiates things. And my ex isn't the type to conclude I go for older men and leave it at that. He has been actively trying to get a hold of me for months.

 

Number2, that's interesting you so I am co-dependent. I've always considered myself independent (I am financially at least) but it's pathetic that during this difficult time I am even back in contact with my ex-ex, trying to get support and have someone (male) there for me. And at the end of the day I feel worse.

[Fun2BMe]

I've decided to:

a) send an email to the ex - can't state it flat out in the first email but maybe by the 2nd after I warm up to him I can ask about whether the therapist told hiim or not about us - i can't let go of it.

 

b) send an email to my therapist asking him if I could contact my ex bec i miss him (this way he will know that he doesn't compare to the ex as he's lead me to believe, and will make him jealous, followed by either another email or in the same one stating even phone sessions are to end)

 

I'll take my time planning on the wording on both emails so I won't have any regrets once I send them off...

[tinke]

you do not need permission from your therapist to contact anyone! your therapist is there to help YOU find your path, not make one for you!

i have to ask...if this professional made physical/sexual advances toward you...WHY do you continue to keep in contact with him? do you understand no matter if you flirted or not, if he made advances to you, this behavior is highly unethical, and should be reported.

having said this, what is the importance in learning from your ex if information was shared with him? the harm was already done with the advances.

it seems to me that you must do an inventory and ask yourself why are you placing such a high value on these two and not yourself? if advances were made, that is a direct violation to YOU, and that is what should be addressed. what are you expecting from contacting your ex with the question?

[Fun2BMe]

WHY do you continue to keep in contact with him? do you understand no matter if you flirted or not, if he made advances to you, this behavior is highly unethical, and should be reported.

After I terminated the therapy, he called leaving sad messages (reminds me of my ex!) until I called and he asked for one more session and lured me back in, then I broke the following appointment under the guise that I couldn't leave work that day, and then a couple weeks went by with my excuses until yesterday after getting phone call after phone call from him I gave into a phone session.

 

I've done research on reporting therapists, and what they do is the board sends the therapist a copy of my complaint, then MAYBE up to 2 years later they will proceed with something after keeping an eye on him and seeing if any other complaints come forward, then down the line very very rarely will actions be taken against the therapist, and in the meantime the victim gets a hard time with everyone who finds out about the case (in my case it would be big considering how prominent a figure he is) will point fingers saying I brought it on myself (if even in this board people have accused me of that, as has my own sister). And the feedback I read from various websites is that the victim almost always regrets having made a complaint. I really can't put myself through any of that. It's not like filing an incident with the police which is quickly followed up on.

 

 

having said this, what is the importance in learning from your ex if information was shared with him? the harm was already done with the advances.

I know, I guess it's out of curiosity, to find out which one of the two is straight out lying to me. If I find out the therapist lied, it'll make it easier to distance myself permanently and not get lured back in. Same with regards to the ex, who if it turns out he's being the truthful one then maybe I should give him some slack.

 

it seems to me that you must do an inventory and ask yourself why are you placing such a high value on these two and not yourself? if advances were made, that is a direct violation to YOU, and that is what should be addressed. what are you expecting from contacting your ex with the question?

That's interesting why am I placing so much value on these men? They seem to repreasent a big part of my life and whenever I try to distance myself, they are calling or emailing nonstop until the therapist keeps getting me back and now I'm at the breaking point of getting in contact with my ex under the pretension possibly of trying to find out 'the truth' about something minor:( in comparison to the progress I've made being away from him.

[Storyrider]

This situation is a triangle, fraught with emotional energy. Between you and your ex are the old feelings and tensions left over from the relationship. Between your ex and the therapist are feelings of intense competition and rivalry. Between the therapist and you are sexual and romantic longings, perversely intertwined with the therapist/client relationship. You've got to break free of this triangle. Contacting your ex will only strengthen it more and draw you further in.

[whichwayisup]

Continue dealing with them to try to fix things?

 

No. Leave it alone. BOTH the ex and your now ex therapist should not be a part of your life in ANY WAY whatsoever. Make your own closure with this, keep posting and we'll help you out. You don't need to email your ex, nor contact your ex T about this either. THOSE TWO MEN are poison to you, toxic and bring out bad feelings so close the door, lock it and throw away the key forever.

 

I am proud of you for stopping things from progressing, stay strong and remember YOU count. The ex and the ex therapist do NOT COUNT at all!

[Fun2BMe]

This situation is a triangle, fraught with emotional energy. Between you and your ex are the old feelings and tensions left over from the relationship. Between your ex and the therapist are feelings of intense competition and rivalry. Between the therapist and you are sexual and romantic longings, perversely intertwined with the therapist/client relationship. You've got to break free of this triangle. Contacting your ex will only strengthen it more and draw you further in.

 

I like your insight and analogy. It kept me from sending the email to the ex while giving it more thought, thnx.

[Fun2BMe]

I am proud of you for stopping things from progressing, stay strong and remember YOU count. The ex and the ex therapist do NOT COUNT at all!

 

I guess I have to keep being told they're not good for me. It would be easier if they'd stop making contacting with me, it's only a matter of time until I get tempted to or do give in. The therapist emailed me again today telling me to call hiim on his cell phone before our next session since I do not take his calls whenever he calls me.

 

I was doing good the 2 weeks I cut contact with him, but all of a sudden when my ex bf confronted him, he is so adament of getting all of my attention and it's become harder to push him away, like I"ll look like the bad one after he knew how much I felt for him. At this point I feel like I want to use both of them to hurt both of them, to talk to my ex just to anger the therapist, and to let the ex know things have gone far with the therapist, which somehow he knows, but to make it look like i am choosing the therapist over him and vice versa with the therapist, They've both hurt me so much that it's hard to just walk away without doing something back to them, and I can't pry myself away from the therapist.

[whichwayisup]

I guess I have to keep being told they're not good for me

 

Fun, I'll tell you as many times as you need me to tell ya!

 

They are not good for you! (wink!)

 

I know you want them to hurt as much as you're hurting, but doing that will only hurt you more. What WILL hurt them most is, ignoring them. Put BOTH on ignore/block with the email and if possible, change your home phone number or block their calls.

 

The ex has been your ex long enough, so I think that will be easier to move past...The therapist, well....I can understand that all the wounds are still fresh so it will take abit longer to get him completely out of your system. Take it day by day and ANYTIME you get the urge to respond to him, post here. Vent it out...

 

Going on with your life without either of them in it IS the healthiest way to heal yourself. Try to keep that in mind.

[Fun2BMe]

Fun, I'll tell you as many times as you need me to tell ya!

 

They are not good for you! (wink!)

 

I know you want them to hurt as much as you're hurting, but doing that will only hurt you more. What WILL hurt them most is, ignoring them. Put BOTH on ignore/block with the email and if possible, change your home phone number or block their calls.

 

The ex has been your ex long enough, so I think that will be easier to move past...The therapist, well....I can understand that all the wounds are still fresh so it will take abit longer to get him completely out of your system. Take it day by day and ANYTIME you get the urge to respond to him, post here. Vent it out...

 

Going on with your life without either of them in it IS the healthiest way to heal yourself. Try to keep that in mind.

 

Ur the best WWII, thnx for your continual support. I've had to think about it but for sure I have to do NC with the therapist too. We are already scheduled for another phone sessiono for Tuesday. I have to cancel and terminate the sessions (all over again) so he won't be trying to contact me on Tue then end up charging me and then me still having to let him know I'm terminating. So how should I word my final email to terminate everything? I am upset that after having done it once I got sucked back in and am in a position to cancel all over again...

[norajane]

You need to get as far away as possible from all these horrible men who have brought you nothing but pain, anguish, and stress. NONE of them are good for you - therapist, ex, ex-ex - NONE of them. Seeking comfort from someone who has brought sh*t into your life is just opening yourself up for more sh*t. They do not have YOUR best interests in mind - they only have THEIR interests in mind.

 

Find women in your life to seek comfort from. Your sister sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders and she actually cares about what is best for you. Do you have women friends to turn to? Why is it that you believe you need support from MEN?

 

Don't let yourself get sucked back into the worst times of your life with the worst people in your life.