Interpersonal Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I have a problem. For those of you that don't know my BF of 7 years dumped me nearly 3 weeks ago. I have been having my moments but all things considered I thought I was ok. I think I was living in the hope that he just needed a few days and he would call and change his mind. Here is the problem I have to go and move all my stuff out of "our" now his place in 2 days and I am cracking up. I can't sleep, keep on thinking maybe is my chance to fix things. I have thought of 100 things to make this situation seem better. I have been so good this far promised myself I was going to walk out with my head held high. Now I am scared I break down in front of him or even worse beg him to take me back. I now have such an over flow of emotion that I don't know if I am being rational.
Zapbasket Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I think you should send him a brief e-mail asking him please not to be present when you come by to pick up your stuff and you will mail him the key or leave it in his mailbox. Insist that he respect your wish; tell him simply it's just all too raw for you to be able to see him right now. I'm so sorry for what's happened to you. Do protect yourself, and walk with dignity: you don't want to be looking back on this time six months from now, remembering how you cried and begged in front of him. But if you DO cry and beg...forgive yourself; it's natural...and nothing more than a sign of caring and understandable grief.
Author Interpersonal Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 He has just beat me to it. He send me a mail saying he won't be there. And now I feel I won't ever have my moment to make things right. So stupid me send him an mail asking him if he feels he has made the right decision, if our only option was breaking up and if he can live with it. HOW STUPID CAN I BE!
funkybassplayer Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Not stupid, you did what you thought was right, love is not a game.
funkybassplayer Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Not stupid, you did what you thought was right, love is not a game.
Author Interpersonal Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 I have done a lot of stupid things in my life but last night i was thinking and thinking and found my self driving to my EX. I know why - when I thought about me moving my stuff out tomorrow it will really be over and that was my chance to fix things before it was so final. He was not at home - I went mad (where is he, who is with, why would he be out so late) I drove around his area to see if i could find his car. All I kept thinking is that's the real reason he dumped me was because he found someone else and he was with her. I even phoned him, his phone was off (his phone is never off) I could not handle this. Eventually once I got home had a bottle of wine I sat and thought about it, what was I really going to do if he was there. I now realize I have hit the ultimate low.
Author Interpersonal Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 What can I do to make sure this never happens agai? Why do I keep punishing myself like this?
Chinook Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Honey, you have to stop. I know it's hard and I know you don't want to believe it's over. But it is. He's not going to be coming back. The only person you're hurting is you. Sometimes, it takes hitting a low like this to realize that we can't get any lower. I know people say take comfort in friends, go out and do things, anything to take your mind off him. But it's not as easy as that in the first few weeks. For now, just keep breathing. For now, get yourself through the day with one goal only, not to contact him and not to go there again with this bunny boiler thing. You have to promise yourself that you will keep your dignity. It's too early right now to ask you to sit down and think about everything that was wrong in the relationship or everything that was wrong with him. Right now, just concentrate on getting through the day and breathing. Just let everything wash through you, don't hide from the pain, it will find you anyhow. Sooner or later your mind and body will say 'enough already' and then the time to rebuild and repair will begin. I wish I could say something to make it easier.
funkybassplayer Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Honey, you have to stop. I know it's hard and I know you don't want to believe it's over. But it is. He's not going to be coming back. The only person you're hurting is you. Sometimes, it takes hitting a low like this to realize that we can't get any lower. I know people say take comfort in friends, go out and do things, anything to take your mind off him. But it's not as easy as that in the first few weeks. For now, just keep breathing. For now, get yourself through the day with one goal only, not to contact him and not to go there again with this bunny boiler thing. You have to promise yourself that you will keep your dignity. It's too early right now to ask you to sit down and think about everything that was wrong in the relationship or everything that was wrong with him. Right now, just concentrate on getting through the day and breathing. Just let everything wash through you, don't hide from the pain, it will find you anyhow. Sooner or later your mind and body will say 'enough already' and then the time to rebuild and repair will begin. I wish I could say something to make it easier. Or to put it another way, stick two fingers up to them and think of number 1! hi Chinook, hope your getting on well.
Chinook Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 hi Chinook, hope your getting on well. Hi Funky. I'm doing okay. I posted a bit in the 'abuse' section this week as a few more things became clearer. I'm doing alot of reading which is helping the healing process. Interpersonal -- hope you're doing okay chica. Is the collection of things today or tomorrow...? (not sure of the time difference from there and the UK) Really hope things aren't too messy.
nylah Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I know that it hurts, believe me I've been there....it's just awlful....but it's when you hit that "low" that you realize that there's only one way for you to go and that's "up"....I know it's hard, but you can and will make it....Keep your head up!
Author Interpersonal Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 I guess my biggest problem is I am scared. Seven years is a long time I feel as though I have lost everything. And I feel stupid for wasting so much time and energy. Did he even love me. Should I have seen the warning signs when he never wanted to make a commitment and marry me. Why do I love someone who does not love me.
spookie Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 *Hugs*. I know it hurts now (I am hurting just as badly, the same way), but it gets better. You have to believe that it gets better. I think it helps to view your own situation as the same story, with different names and faces, that has happened millions of times to countless other people all over the world. The plot is the same. One person decides to stop caring. The other is left with the burden of unrequited love. Hurts like a bitch, this abandonment, betrayal, this murder of your future children. But you know how the plot can go after, you have all of human experience to draw your conclusions from. You can beg, plead, refuse to move on, but all you do is hurt yourself. He has already chosen. Most likely, his decision had little to do with you, at least with what what you did "wrong". Choosing to leave someone who loves you, I think, is a very personal decision. Likely he just wants a different dynamic to his life. He wants you gone. It's not your fault. And don't start thinking along the lines of "if only I were different, someone else... I know, I'll change!". That's wrong. Real love is loving someone for the immutable bits. It's about commitment to what doesn't change in someone. He knows who you are, and he rejected you. You can also leave with your head held high. Pick up the pieces of you you have left, and use them to rebuild yourself. After seven years, it must feel like you've lost everything, because he likely took robbed you of the future you were planning. But that doesn't mean your future's gone. It just means you have to make a new one. Start making it the best one it can be.
Author Interpersonal Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Earlier this week you posted your story about the 2 kinds of love and the insecurity. I have copied it and printed it out because it felt as if you wrote down my feelings. Every night cos - nights are so hard when when you have been sleeping and being held by the same person for 7 years. Then I read it - it brings me back to earth and reminds me why it won't change and it won't work.
Author Interpersonal Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 What hurts me the most is the night before he broke up with me. He said we should have kids together. It could not have been timed any worse. We had been out drinking and all I remember is something in me snapped. I can't remember what I said to him that night. All I can remeber is that look on his face the next morning when he told me to leave - he said he could never forgive me. And I don't even remeber what I said.
nylah Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Hey IP, hope you're feeling a little better today....I'm just curious...have you ever asked him what it is that you "said" or "did" that was so unforgivable????...I can't even imagine him throwing 7 years away for something that may or may not have happened while you were both drinking....
funkybassplayer Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Hey IP, hope you're feeling a little better today....I'm just curious...have you ever asked him what it is that you "said" or "did" that was so unforgivable????...I can't even imagine him throwing 7 years away for something that may or may not have happened while you were both drinking.... I suspect it was an excuse to dump you for a problem that he had in his mind for a long time.
Cioriel Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I know it's pretty early for you to think this way, but it might help. I know it hurts like hell and I can't even imagine after 7 years what this is doing ot you, but you are still a very whole person despite not having him. You do have a life (granted, it may not feel like much of one right now) but it will be, and it's going to take some getting used to. But you really need to think about you and the fact that you are strong enough to get through this. You need to lean on your friends right now I think - that's what they are there for and it really helps to look around you and realize that there are people that truly love you for you and will be there for you during all this. Let them carry a bit of your burden....I guarantee they will want to and be happy to. I'm sorry this is such a hard time for you, but please do not look at your life as empty now that he is gone - think of it as a reconstruction process so you can start to feel whole again on your own. I guarantee you will start to feel better and realize that you are strong enough to get through this.
Author Interpersonal Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Unfortunately we never discussed exactly what was said. But he mentioned that I said I was dissapointed and hurt by him. I brought up things from the past, and told him that maybe the problem was not that he was not the marring kind maybe I was just not the right girl. When I went to go fetch my stuff - 20 minutes before I should be there he send me a message that he is stuck some where can we do it later? Then he says he will be around the whole weekend and I should pop in when ever I get a chance. He spoke to me like we where still dating. 1. Initially he said he did not want to see me - so why did he need to be there? 2. Why did he not just leave the keys. 3. 2 days later he send me an email saying how sorry he was about all the things he did or did not do. He said I deserve to be happy and that he hopes I find happiness soon. PS I still have not fetched my stuff. WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN?
funkybassplayer Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 It maens hes trying to let you down gently, and does not want the relationship with you. Dont question too much, know that its over, try to get your stuff back if its not too much to do, and then go into n/c and start to move on , because he is.
nylah Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 hey girlie... I just wanted to say that he sounds like he's sorry that you're hurt. maybe he's feeling guilty for mistreating you or for leaving the relationship. maybe it's just me, but after 7 years, I would think he would have a tougher time letting go. I just don't know what his problem is. Just stay strong.
Author Interpersonal Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 What really makes me angry is the fact that he is making it seem like he is doing this for me. He seems to think that I will be happier in the long run. Hell maybe I will. But what he has left me with is the fact that he did not even try - was I not worth trying for.
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