AriaIncognito Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I don't know why it bothers me so much to see his name on a forum I'm on. We are both members of a social club so to speak, and I'm quite active in it, while he doesn't really do much and doesn't usually post. Today he posted a few things and just seeing his name makes me want to cry and kick and scream. I hate that we became two people that no longer speak. I hate that I still feel like if he'd only open his eyes, he'd see what a great catch I am and what a great couple we could have been. I hate that even now I still feel this way. We've been NC since June 2 I think. I've not really been counting. I've been feeling a little down at times, but overall been very busy and being OK with it. So now I see his name on a few threads and I instantly wonder how it's going with his new girl (i shouldn't care cuz that girl aint me and he'll prob hurt her inthe same way). To see him give advice to a guy who was asking a relationship question just made me want to puke and reply saying wtf do you know about relationships you couldn't even commit to your own gf (meaning me) but I restrained myself and came here instead. Man. When will I finally see his name and not give a sh*t either way? It just seems like it'll take forever. I know it will happen, in time, but I'm not doing well waiting for time to pass, and i HATE that he can cause me to feel this way. I wonder if he thinks of me? Misses me? Anything. I don't want to wonder this anymore. I also dont want to date other people and constantly think "well we dont have as much in common as X and I did". So much of it just seems so unfair. Being the dumpee, even though I left him, really sucks. I only left because he was on his way out the door and I didn't want him to get the last word yet again. Seems he'll always have the last word, indirectly or otherwise. Sigh. I could use some strength here guys.
doiask42much Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Is there any way you could not go on that forum anymore? Or at least till you're not feeling so raw about it? Come on here instead! I used to google my ex (he actually works for google--oh, the irony) and I found him posting this and that on forums, including mentions of his new gf, and it used to upset me greatly. Really, the only thing you can do is STOP. Guess what? It works wonders. Out of sight, out of mind.
Author AriaIncognito Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 Is there any way you could not go on that forum anymore? Or at least till you're not feeling so raw about it? Come on here instead! Well, to be honest, he's posted there 4 times in the past year. Twice happened to be in the past week. I don't know what's happened in his life that he's suddenly branching back out into this group again, but who knows. Fact of the matter is, I've been in the group and way active in the group for several years and he really hasn't been. I dont intend to give it up because well, it's a social group. We go out and do things and have fun. And no, I dont go to anything if my ex is listed as a YES but he never is because he is probably seeing the new girl and dissing the idea of making friends again. He teeters. When he was with me, he complained that he never had time to make friends since we were seeing eachother and whatnot. I assume he's back into that idea, with the new girl. So he's probably trying to put feelers out but he wont be around long. It just ticks me off to see him there. I have no right to ask him to stop going and I don't intend to let him dictate what I do, because well, majority of the life I've createed for myself, revolves around people in that group. Unfortunately theres no way to know what threads certain users posted to, else I could at least just stay away from those... It shouldn't bother me that he posted. I shouldn't care. But, the wound is still very raw and gaping and him posting just makes me wonder what he's doing or how he's feeling, even though in all honesty, I'm a dumbass to care what he thinks or feels because fact is he looked at me and said "nah I think i can do better" essentially. Egos hurt.
kittensmittens Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Hi aria, I don't know the specifics of your break up, but I can relate to a lot of what you've said in your post here. I wish mine would have seen that I was finally trying, that he would have seen things about himself (he was pretty stubborn and repressed a lot of things, insisting he had already "worked through it" himself and had no need for counseling). I wish he wouldn't have given up so easily, so many times. I wish he had seen the potential I saw and I wish he would now. I can't seem to stay away from his myspace page. I wish I wouldn't care about what stupid comments his stupid friends leave, or the stupid things he writes back to them. I hate that I care what THEY think of me, when I know they're only getting his side of the story. I hate that I care about what he and his new "friend" are doing together. I wonder the same things.....does he miss me? Is he thinking of me? Does she even "get" his sense of humor or his personality, the way I did? I doubt I'll ever get an answer to any of these questions and I wish I could just stop caring too b/c it's killing me. I really wish that I didn't still feel so devoted to him. The thought of being with anyone who is not him makes me want to vomit. Clearly he isn't having this problem, and it feels so unfair. And I'm scared too that I'll constantly compare others to him and the bond we had. I walked out too, after confronting him. Then he dumped me. So I know that frustration too. All I can say is, I know the feelings and you're not alone. I don't know if that helps any...
doiask42much Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 There is an "ignore" feature on this forum, I have been told. You could try seeing if that social forum has a similar feature?
doiask42much Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I feel both of you on this; I made a terrible fool of myself over this one guy, always caring what he was doing when he didn't care whether I lived or died, even when I had important info for him, such as money he owes the IRS--and still does! I know it might sound dismissive, but the more you think about it and look him up and get upset about it, the longer it takes to heal. It took me YEARS to get over this guy (he was my first love and we were together for six years, in limbo for two). I'm only just finally at the point where I no longer care, and I know I could've gotten there a lot sooner if I had been stronger and forced myself not to engage in this counterproductive behavior. Coulda shoulda woulda. I don't want to see the same thing happening to other people. Life's too short.
doiask42much Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 And yes, it's unfair, women tend to dwell on things and overanalyze situations and feelings, whereas men are less inclined to. In a way, realizing it's just less in his DNA to obsess over me and the past helps me somewhat, i.e., it's not because I wasn't important to him (I know I was once upon a time), just, well, he's a GUY. They move on sooner, generally speaking. (Me and my sweeping generalizations! ) Notice the way women are more likely to hold a grudge than men? Same thing. Men generally can't be bothered. I've seen guys get quite mad at each other, have it out, then they are totally over it. I wish I had the "totally over it" switch!
Author AriaIncognito Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 I wish I had the "totally over it" switch! God me too. If i could flick a switch and no longer have any feelings toward him whatsoever, I'd be happy. What's bad is, I think right now I'm moreso mourning for the idea that I'll "never find love" or "nobody will ever be as compatible with me" and stuff like that. I'm probably not mourning HIM so much as the peson I thought he was. And I'm losing faith that the man I thought he was/could be, exists anywhere on this earth. I've been talking to 2 guys online but i find myself not really wanting to move it forward anywhere. I'm not ready and I feel bad. I was trying to just figure out how to "date" and not get attached to people. I just dont know that I'm capable of something so casual. I have 2 guys right now that want to talk on the phone, and I'm retreating. I'm so not ready, even if it is just talking. Not ready to give up the old, I guess. I'm also sick and have been for a week now so that's wearing on me too. Sigh.
Fun2BMe Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 I really think that for the next few months at the least or until you start seeing someone else, that you really need to stop going to that forum, as attached to it as you are. You can ask a few of your friends there to notify you with email if there is an event for you to attend, and then go to it without knowing whether or not he will show up, but because it is something you want to go to so you won't feel like you have to hide and feel weak. I know you're curious what is going on in his life, if he is having problems with the new gf and will come back to you. It is maybe unlikely the case, so in the meantime by seeing his name and posts, as infrequent as they are, you will read into them, rehash the hurt and drive yourself crazy all the while he is moving forward (without you). So please at least temporarily, stop going to that site as hard as it is. Then over time when you are really over him, you can go back.
alphamale Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 I also dont want to date other people and constantly think "well we dont have as much in common as X and I did". why don't you date others and NOT think the above?
Author AriaIncognito Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 why don't you date others and NOT think the above? The above is an assumption I'm making. I've never "dated" ever in my life. I've had many long term relationships. Seems to be all or nothing with me. Anyway, the reason I stated the above was because, well, of all the LTRs I've had, my last was the only one that really was what I want in 95% of things. The last 5% would be the part which he wouldn't commit to the idea of being with me. lol I dont know, I just think that the bar is set so high now, it'll be hard to attain. I dont want to settle, however. So, I dont know when or if I'll find another one again that measures up. I hope I do, but I'm also trying to get used to the idea of being alone forever just in case.
Teacher's Pet Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Psst... I went through the same thing with B... she's not a big "online" person, but you know my story.... I was always working to avoid the slight chance of running into her..even at the expense of not seeing my friends.... It sucks to let someone have that much control over your life, without them even knowing..... BUT.... you have a wonderful support group. I should know. The hardest part about letting go, I've found, is that while you are TRYING to let go (and not always so successfully), it hurts more knowing that you can't seem to let go of someone who HURT you. On paper, it's so easy to say "Well, he/she is an ass, forget them..." In reality, it's hard to do, and knowing that they hurt you and you STILL can't shake them from your mind is pure torture, so trust me, Beautiful Friend, I know exactly what you are going through. With all the crap B put me through, part of me hung onto to the chance she'd come crawling back someday, but of course, I'm past that now.... I'm glad things for me happened the way they did, because I'd never find MY support system (YOU!!!) otherwise. You aren't going to grow old alone. Maybe you won't meet Mr. Right so quickly (and don't rush yourself if you aren't truly ready!), but think about it... you already have a bunch of people in your life who are "RIGHT" for you, even if not in the romantic sense. If anything, considering how my own dating life has been, we might be growing old alone "together", but hey, if I can't meet the "perfect woman", there's no one else out there I'd rather grow old with than you. Trust me, you aren't alone, and dammit, if I have anything to say about it, you never will be. Love ya. :) -tp Mr. Right Here With Ya
alphamale Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Anyway, the reason I stated the above was because, well, of all the LTRs I've had, my last was the only one that really was what I want in 95% of things. The last 5% would be the part which he wouldn't commit to the idea of being with me. Isn't it hilarious how women get most attached to the men who don't get attached to them? If I had a nickel for each time I've seen this....
Teacher's Pet Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Sadly, you are right. -tp victim of his own goodness.
Author AriaIncognito Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 Isn't it hilarious how women get most attached to the men who don't get attached to them? If I had a nickel for each time I've seen this.... It does suck, alpha, and i can't pinpoint it to anything in particular. I just had a ton in common with this person in things that are very important to me for the long haul. (overall goals/ideals/morals/etc). I can't say that i've had this issue with other men I've broken up with. My last bf, well I knew he and i were essentially incompatible and therefore it was a lot easier to move on. It's harder to move forward when someone in your past felt so compatible, it seems. Hey, I'm out here waiting for a guy who wants to prove me wrong and be all the things and thensome that i'm looking for. Inquire within lol.
underpants Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 I don't know why, because I have had an awesome day, but I am in a...mood. You know what I would do, (unemotionally attached person that I am). I would post on this site under what I assume is a name he would recognize as you (I am sure he will notice, he is probably trolling). All about how you have stummbled upon an all male massage parlor that specialzes in 'happy endings'. Drive thru orgasms, happy meals, how your last visit was...free...la, la, la (I am sure TP can be more creative here then me). How you can't wait for your next 'massage' appointment with ...Juan, the tender, strong, long timber, and....oh yea, masseuse. Give it as good as you got it girl. He is toast. Rock on, Unders
Touche Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Puhleeeze, it's total nonsense that women get most attached to those who hold out and keep a piece of themselves to themselves. It's idiotic. Been there, done that. If we have any maturity and/or self worth, we outgrow that nonsense. The SECOND I started expecting more, because I really thought I deserved better, that's when I actually got it. And one more thing I want to say...if it felt "compatible" to you but you never really got along or he never loved you as much as you loved him, then guess what? You weren't ever really compatible as you say. See what I mean?
Author AriaIncognito Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 And one more thing I want to say...if it felt "compatible" to you but you never really got along or he never loved you as much as you loved him, then guess what? You weren't ever really compatible as you say. See what I mean? I agree with this whole heartedly, actually. I realize that I can't have considered us to be 100% compatible, because well, that we weren't. We were compatible in many major areas, yes, but 100%, no. Do I expect to find anyone I'm 100% compatible with, no, I don't honestly. I don't think that exists. Relationships are a give and take. Compromises and all that. It's just about knowing which things you're able to compromise on. I just couldn't compromise on being committed. LOL I was committed, he wasn't and wasn't sure he ever would. I don't know if that status has changed with his current, but he was this way with the girl before me, and then me. We did have 1 thing in common, we both weren't jewish. Maybe he can only feel commitment towards one of his own, but in that case, he shouldn't have dated either of us.
Touche Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 He was Jewish and you aren't? Did I get that right? If that's the case and he couldn't feel that he could commit to a woman who wasn't Jewish then he was very dishonest with you. I'm Jewish but if I had felt that I could only commit with a Jewish guy, then I would have always been up front about that. That wasn't the case though for me. I was only looking for a good man who was looking for the same things that I was looking for. None of the rest mattered to me...other than attraction, intelligence, sense of humor, values, compatible goals, etc. Other than that, hell I didn't care. But if I did, I would have been honest about it. Back to you now...if he was not committed and you were, well I can't think of two more incompatible people than the two of you (or two people like you.) I mean think about it. Even if you got along in many other areas, if you didn't have that desire for commitment in common, then what good is any of the rest? I'll bet next time you do better.
alphamale Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Do I expect to find anyone I'm 100% compatible with, no, I don't honestly. I don't think that exists.. if you can find 70% take it and run
Author AriaIncognito Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 He was Jewish and you aren't? Did I get that right? If that's the case and he couldn't feel that he could commit to a woman who wasn't Jewish then he was very dishonest with you. I'm Jewish but if I had felt that I could only commit with a Jewish guy, then I would have always been up front about that. That wasn't the case though for me. I was only looking for a good man who was looking for the same things that I was looking for. None of the rest mattered to me...other than attraction, intelligence, sense of humor, values, compatible goals, etc. Other than that, hell I didn't care. But if I did, I would have been honest about it. Back to you now...if he was not committed and you were, well I can't think of two more incompatible people than the two of you (or two people like you.) I mean think about it. Even if you got along in many other areas, if you didn't have that desire for commitment in common, then what good is any of the rest? I'll bet next time you do better. He said eventually that the jewish thing became a non-issue. He realized I was willing to convert. I don't know what held him back, once that was a non-issue to be honest. He said i treated him so well and he didn't know how to handle that. Maybe he wants someone that treats their partner like crap, i dont know. Fact of the matter is, he looked at me and said "i can do better" essentially, since he's no longer in my life. I know i need to accept that, and have done pretty well with it for the most part. I'm doing a lot better now that i was the other times we split up. I don't know what to attribute it to, maybe because I know he's moved on with someone else, I don't know. Even that I dont "know" but last we spoke he'd had a first date with a girl and he seemed to like her. He hasn't been on jdate so I assume he's seeing her. Yes, I've looked. No I'm not proud of that. Yes I know I shouldn't.
Fun2BMe Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Isn't it hilarious how women get most attached to the men who don't get attached to them? If I had a nickel for each time I've seen this.... I think it's just as common if not moreso the other way around too...
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