Should I Give This Guy a Chance?

[shadowplay]

I don't have much dating experience. In fact, I've never really dated per se. I've mostly just "fallen" into relationships with friends with who liked me and eventually made a move. Guys I don't know have asked me out before, but I was too scared of dating to ever accept their offer. I'm 23, but extremely, extremely shy, especially around guys I like. I think I suffer from some sort of social anxiety disorder, and my lack of experience makes it worse.

 

Warning: This is long, but it's all in the little details, no?

 

I took a class over the spring and met this guy. He was in my assigned group, but we didn't talk that much in person. I'm not a very chatty person. We talked more online (while the class was still going) because he imed me one day about something unrelated and this sparked a conversation between us. Over the course of the class he imed me a bunch of other times, but usually there was some ulterior motive like he had to borrow something. A few times, though, we got into a longer conversation over im, and once I imed him myself and asked how his class project was going. I liked him but I couldn't tell if he did. He sent me mixed signals. He asked me to get involved in this low-budget movie he was making, and then he never got back to me about it. I asked him at a later point if he still needed my help and he said he had found another person. Another time we had an awkward encounter after class. In the same building there was a student art opening crowded with people and a table of free food. I stopped by after the class to pick up some food. He was there doing the same and we even happened to be accidentally standing next to each other at one point getting drinks at the table. Yet he never acknowleged me. Granted, I didn't acknowledge him either out of shyness. But, still, it was very strange. So at that point, I was like, whatever...I'll just forget about him.

 

Fast forward two weeks after the class ended and he ims me one night, saying "we should totally hang out and go to a movie some time." That kind of shocked me, because I didn't think he was interested. He asked if we could do it the next evening (it was Friday night), and I said I wasn't available but I could the weekend after. He imed me twice again that week and we discussed what movie to see and set a date. The next day after our convo he called and cancelled because of "car troubles." He said he was hung up in Maryland because his car wasn't working. He said, let's do it next weekend but didn't set a firm date. Even worse he didn't get back to me that week. Finally, on Thursday before the weekend when we were supposed to have our date, I sent him a slightly pissy, short email that said "Are we still on for this weekend? Let me know because it's getting kind of late and if not I'll make other plans."

 

The next day he imed me and apologized. He explained that his mother was bipolar and in one of her manic phases. He had to get away from her so he left the state for Maryland for a few weeks while things blew over. (He's a year younger than me and still lives with his parents). He said that he's learned "avoidance" is the best strategy in these situations. I got the sense he had made the car excuse up out of embarrassement about his mother's illness. He promised he'd contact me when he returned. A week and a half went by and he sent me an email saying he was back and suggesting things we could do. Then he imed me and we set another date. This time I was the one to cancel out of cold feet (I'm scared of dates ). I actually cancelled twice and apologized profusely. He seemed kind of hurt/annoyed, but said ok and we set another date. He seemed eager to see me at this point and called me beforehand to confirm. He also suggested we get dinner before the movie, but I politely demured because dinner dates freak me out. I warned him the day of our date that I might be a bit late and to wait for me in the theatre if I was. On my way to the date I got lost (seriously) and ended up half an hour late. I found him in the theatre and he told me what I had missed in the movie.

 

After the movie it was really awkward, mostly because of me. As I said I'd never been on a real date before and my mind kept blanking about what to say. I had trouble even looking at him in the eye or smiling. We took a brief walk, then sat down at this outdoor cafe. I was extremely uncomfortable sitting face to face with him and he did most of the talking. Sensing we were running out of things to say, I suggested we take a walk. He said we could go in "that direction" (pointing one way) or the direction of his car. I said, let's go toward your car. Hehe had offered to give me a ride back to the train station, and I was hoping if we got in our car he might make a move. Strange as it sounds I feel less awkward when I'm being phsyically intimate. We got in the car and talked a bit about our favorite music. We got to the sation he pulled up past it aways where there were no people. I was kind of hoping he would make a move because I felt very attracted to him, but he didn't. It probably didn't help that I was barely looking at him. He mumbled someting about us seeing each other again, and I said "yeah." Then I opened the door and said "thanks for the ride" without even smiling at him. What a stupid thing to say.

 

After it was over, I felt insanely stupid that I had made the night so awkward and probably come off as very rude and uninterested. I really liked him. I wanted to communicate to him that I was still interested, so I sent him a short, casual email that night saying that I had a good time, but it may not have shown because I'm a bit shy at first. I apologized again for being late and concluded with a casual "talk to you later", being careful not to mention a second date so I didn't sound desparate. He emailed me two days later and said that next time we'll go to a better movie (the one we saw on the first date was this artsy flick that kind of sucked and he seemed embarrassed that he had picked it) and that he had enjoyed my company. I imed him that night and didn't mention a second date but just talked about random things and we exchanged a few funny links. Our convo was brief because I told him I was tired and I logged off. 2-3 days passed and I didn't hear from him. I was like, ok, that's it. He's probably not interested since it's already the weekend. Then I was like what the heck, and I imed him briefly but again didn't mention a second date. Then later that night he sent me a text message asking if I wanted to go to this museum with him that week. I sent him a message back saying ok, and which day worked for me. The next day he emailed me saying he was looking forward to "hanging out with me" and asked if we should go to the museum or see another movie. I sent him an email back saying im me and we'll figure it out. He imed that night but he was having internet problems so he just called me. We made plans over the phone to have lunch and go to a museum this week. He's supposed to pick me up because the museum is a way aways.

 

Now I'm having cold feet again. I'm not sure if I should give him a chance because of his prior flakiness. I can't tell if he even likes me or not. Also, the prospect of going to a museum really freaks me out because it seems kind of awkward since I'll have to keep the conversation going for hours. The thing is I really like him, but I'm so terrible at the beginning stages when I barely know somebody. I don't know if he's even worth it since he seems kind of flakey. I guess i just have low self essteem and a fear of rejection. But again I really like him. Should I cancel? Maybe I should suggest we do something other than a museum where there's less conversational pressure?l What do you guys think?

[T-town]

Go out with him again, you were kind of flakey too...maybe he was just as nervous! Suggest something else for you guys to do, if he is into you(which it seems like he is) then he wont care what you guys do just as long as you are hanging out together. Go rent a movie and order a pizza!

[Xellen]

Obviously, you've both realized that the other is shy. Now all that's left is for one of you to make the first move. It sounds like you really want this relationship to blossom. If that is indeed the case, then you should be the one to put yourself out there.

 

I can tell you, from a guy's perspective, that he is definitely interested. The body language that you mentioned (as you said, it's in the little things) as well as the apologetic nature of his comments regarding something as minute as the choice of movie leads me to believe that his wishes as the same as yours - he wants you to tell him that you like him, too.

 

My best advice is for you to practice what you're going to say in your mind. Most people that are shy (myself included) do not do as well with extemporaneous comments as much with thought-out comments. That being said, have an idea in your mind. When you go out on the next date - which I sincerely hope that you do - tell him that you like him! It's very quick and, seeing how he feels for you, very painless.

 

Go for it!