bhug82 Posted February 25, 2003 Posted February 25, 2003 Okay women, why do so many of you break up a healthy relationships to go back to the ex boyfriend who made you miserable and treated you like dirt? I was just dumped by my girl who said I was everything that she ever wanted and she was wrapped around my finger. She said she would never let me go and then like a lightning bolt she dumped me because she still had feelings for her ex she has broken up with three times.
quankanne Posted February 25, 2003 Posted February 25, 2003 because it's more exciting to keep slamming her head up against a wall? Or to chase after someone who keeps eluding her, no matter how good you are to her? my theory is that if you treat someone good, they'll dump you, but if you treat someone like dirt, they'll keep wanting to come back to that relationship in hopes of reforming you.
Tony T Posted February 25, 2003 Posted February 25, 2003 It may have something to do with penis sizes...I think...
Author bhug82 Posted February 25, 2003 Author Posted February 25, 2003 Is there a reason behind that? Why would a woman want to reform a bad relationship instead of staying with a good one. Being a guy, I don't get it. She has called me wild when we kiss and stuff, but I treat her like a woman. Helpful to her, make dinner and help nurse her and her two daughters back to health when they had the flu for two weeks. Listen to her complaints and her days. Rent the chick flicks for her, (except for The Elephant Man that I wanted to see and she liked) Spend a romantic Valentine's night with her, hold hands and sit close to her, cuddle, put her clothes in the dryer, clean the kitchen, shampoo her carpets and we both insulated under a small crawlspace and then laid there cuddling in the dirt with overalls on. So many good memories and no bad ones and no arguments. We have so much in common and the laughs were endless. We had the ingredients for a healthy relationship that she said she wanted. There's was so much more in two months. Now tell me where we went wrong.
Author bhug82 Posted February 25, 2003 Author Posted February 25, 2003 We didn't take our clothes off even though we spent the night together four times. I satisfied her without the sex without asking for nothing in return. Just hearing her enjoying it was satisfaction enough for me, except that it took me a while to cool back down.
Dragonflys Posted February 25, 2003 Posted February 25, 2003 But I have definately been on both ends of this. So I feel I have perspective to be able to attempt to explain what went wrong. I used to be a passive people-pleaser and I will tell you now it is not a good place to be. The problem is that a passive people-pleaser's give off the vibe that they expect something in return for their actions...because quite frankly, their actions are unnatural. Unnatural actions for unnatural reactions and that is where the problems lie. Let me explain... The way you address you gf at an intellectual/emotional level should be the same as the way you treat all people around you. The only difference is that your gf will be treated at a more intense level since that relationship is much more intimate. Showering your gf with gifts, doing things for her, telling her nice things just to 'pointscore' is the biggest turnoff because it does not appeal to her human side. Like any other person, she has to earn those rewards. Its the same if you run into a bum on the street, if he addresses you in a friendly tone, then he deserves the same kind of respect in return. I go by that golden rule, and people can see my genuine side. Giving multiple times without receiving much in return is a warning sign. Giving multiple times without allowing the other person have a chance to give in return will create a major disaster. Doing so denies her a side of her own human nature and she will consequently feel smothered because she will be pressured to unnaturally give in return. In all human contact, the best rule to go on is to give and expect nothing in return. Those that give you something in return are genuine people who are expressing a natural and essential side of their nature. They will warm to you. If you receive nothing in return you accept that it is OK and you move on. There is nothing wrong with such a person. People communicate and give in many different ways, and we cannot please everyone on this earth. The same rule works in a budding relationship. I'm not saying you are expressing these behaviours, but if you are I hope I have been able to explain (at least in a long-winded way) why you were treated this way. People with low self esteem (who may return to bad relationships like in your case) will be even more likely to run away because they desire to earn their worth even more. Reading your post, it sounded like you were trying to structure everything unnaturally, and not letting instinct and natural vibes indicate how much you should proceed. Oliver
Ally Boo Posted February 26, 2003 Posted February 26, 2003 You were the rebound and person she was using, to get her over her ex. It doesn't matter if you are "everything she's wanted" truth is, everything she's wanted would be your good qualities in her ex bf. She's not done hurting, so walk away and let her go. Sometimes, we girls don't realize it, til we are overcome with the feeling that we aren't ready to let go yet, and it really sucks for you.
HokeyReligions Posted February 26, 2003 Posted February 26, 2003 Originally posted by bhug82 Helpful to her, make dinner and help nurse her and her two daughters back to health when they had the flu for two weeks. Listen to her complaints and her days. Rent the chick flicks for her, , put her clothes in the dryer, clean the kitchen, shampoo her carpets and we both insulated under a small crawlspace Whew! Where are you? You sound like a great "wife" My husband doesn't even know the reason toilet paper comes on a cardboard roll! He thinks its a marketing thing to save money because if the roll was on a pole and tight there would be more sheets per roll and that wouldn't be cost effective to the manufacturer. OMG! My husband and I have ACTUALLY had that conversation! Where are you?
Author bhug82 Posted February 26, 2003 Author Posted February 26, 2003 Ally, you may be right. The first week we were together in December, she said she was so stupid for breaking up with me in Feb of 2002 when she went back out with him. That he was always miserable to her and her pre-teen girls and they fought all the time. She said that I always treated her good and I was right when I said that we "gel." She may have been rebounding, but she knew we are good together. I just understand why a woman would go back for the fourth time to a bad situation. I'm not holding my breath waiting for her and I'm staying busy with my own life.
ThisGirlNameKD Posted February 27, 2003 Posted February 27, 2003 It seems like you have a hard problem understanding. I don't know exactly what advice you are looking for, but you've had two threads, people have posted advice and suggestions to you and you're still asking the same question:why did she leave you when she said you were so right for her? 1. As I brought out in an earlier posting, women how have low self esteem do that. They have a tendency to stay in a cycle of bad relationships until they finally get themselves together emotionally and mentally to a healthy state. This is something that they have to do on their own. No matter how good you treat them, you can't do that job for them. That being the case, she's going to stay in that bad relationship until she is ready to change. 2. Like a previous posting said, some women like to stay with the bad guys so they can reform them, so that they can change them. It could be a situation where she wants to feel needed in a way that only be with kind of guy could do it for her. All of that is psychological. 3. I think Alley said it best when she said that she was on a rebound. Even if she said you both were good together it obviously wasn't good enough to make her want to stay with you. Face it, you were her stand by until the guy she loved came back. My concern is not why this girl would go back to the guy, but why are you so consume with this? If a woman is not emotionally healthy enough to stay with a good guy, but repeatedly goes back to a bad relationship, why would you want to be with her? Why would you want to be with a woman that has that much low self esteem? Maybe you felt you were rescuing her or playing her superman, which if that was the case will not and did not work. That stuff only works on television...not in real life. If both of you got together, you would eventually have problems because you can't take an unhealthy person and put it with a healthy person and expect all things to be rosy. Even if she decided to leave this guy and come back to you, I would advise you to give her time to get her life together, raise her self esteem and become an emotionally healthy individual before she gets involved with someone else. Secondly, it seems like all of this is not about love, but about ego. You just can't seem to understand how someone would past up someone as great as you, someone who called you every beautiful name out of the book for someone you feel is beneath you because he treats her like dirt. As one of the previous postings said, if you're going to do things for others, do it without expecting anything in return, and you ego won't be so easily crushed.
aya Posted February 27, 2003 Posted February 27, 2003 Originally posted by ThisGirlNameKD 1. As I brought out in an earlier posting, women how have low self esteem do that. They have a tendency to stay in a cycle of bad relationships until they finally get themselves together emotionally and mentally to a healthy state. I totally agree with this. In deep down, they think they don't deserve to be treated nicely, so they tend to feel strange or awkward to be treated nicely. But I think he is treating her TOO nicely. Even normal person can feel strangely -- it has to be two-ways.
Girl Posted February 27, 2003 Posted February 27, 2003 "I just don't understand why a woman would go back for the fourth time to a bad situation" Here's a theory. The lure of random reinforcement. A lab rat pushes a lever to get food only when it's hungry so long as the food comes out every time it pushes it. If pushing the lever produces food only occasionally, then the rat wants to push the lever incessantly. The powerful attraction of random reinforcement creates a sense of excitement and unpredictability that makes someone feel euphoric whey they finally do get a payoff. It's a bit like gambling.... you don't win every hand but you keep playing because when you DO win one you're on top of the world, round and round it goes. The same thing happens when you're dating... when someone you're attracted to treats you good then bad then good, it's both frustrating and exhilirating to date them. The unpredictability adds an element of excitement that you associate with them. Unfortunately for the girl, love often gets confused for the high you feel when Mr a**h*** actually does what he says he's going to do or the times he treats you like a princess. That's why a man who is far less than a nice guy can seem more exciting that Steady Eddy. Doesn't mean you don't feel excitement and affection for a guy you can trust, it just means you don't feel the same level of intensity with someone you can count on. Ultimately though, it all comes down to self worth.
lala0977 Posted February 27, 2003 Posted February 27, 2003 I am having that problem right now. I love my boyfriend but my x is always in my head. But I compared the two and I now see that I am wronge for wanting someone who does care when i have a great guy who would give me the world. Keep you head up someone one day respect your love. And you will be much happier
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