Dookie_Dont Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 I notice that alot of these threads have couples talking about getting married in LDRS. Kinda weird isn't it that a couple that barely gets to see each other, and has miles to cross wants to get married almost instantaneously. Definately quicker than those non LDRS. This also INCLUDES MY LDR!!! I think its too soon and we should try to spend more time together, I'm sure we can see why they want this. They want reassurance, or they want to seal the deal. Or who knows. But this LDR forum is littered with threads about marriage, and now my LDR goes that route. Shew whats the deal?
axisdenied Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Here are several answers: LDRs are an immediate challenge. Many folks love a challenge. Marriage and/or packing a U-haul may feel like a good way to conquer it. Getting to know somebody without having to stare them in the face is a good way to hide. It is easy to impulsively jump on the decision to marry as opposed to testing the relationship with time beforehand. LDRs are oftentimes based on fantasy. Fantasy is more fun than reality. People who engage in a fantasy-based LDRs may have a fantasy-based perception of marriage as well. LDRs are a good way to say that you have a meaningful connection with another person when you really may not. Marriage is a good way to do this as well. Then there is always the frustration of geographic separation. Marriage is a good way to end up in the same locale. I apologize if this response offends any readers of this forum, but if you are seriously considering marriage and/or cohabitation after just a few meetings, get real. You do not respect the fact that change is the general condition of the human experience. I've seen a situation like the one you described "work" all of once . . . and that couple is completely miserable now. Of course I am not trying to put down people who do these types of relationships. LDRs just require more maintenance than non-LDRs. Marriage and/or immediate cohabitation may look like a good way to solve whatever problems arise in the situation. It sounds like you have a very healthful handle on the situation, OP. Google the term "degrees of deception" and understand how they work to the advantage/disadvantage of people who engage in LDRs. Maybe that will give you a better perspective. Peace.
catrocks Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I think that axisdenied actually makes some good points, and if a couple have been ld since the beginning and have only met a few times then marriage straight away might not be the best answer. But remember that each couple is different. I don't know your personal situation so I can't comment on it (how long have you been together? Do you often meet in person? etc) but it does sound like you don't want to get married, so then you shouldn't. I have been in my relationship for almost 4 years and only 2 of them have been long distance. Since it's been long distance we've actually been able to spend a lot of time together due to my school holidays and everything. And yes, we are getting married. But I can't imagine wanting to marry him if we had met online and only met a handful of times. In my case, we were discussing marriage before he had to leave, and it is something we both agreed that we wanted. So basically, I'd say that there are many types of LDRs and only the couple can know what is right for them. It's the same with all types of relationships, long distance or not.
taiko Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I notice that alot of these threads have couples talking about getting married in LDRS. Kinda weird isn't it that a couple that barely gets to see each other, and has miles to cross wants to get married almost instantaneously. Definately quicker than those non LDRS. This also INCLUDES MY LDR!!! I think its too soon and we should try to spend more time together, I'm sure we can see why they want this. They want reassurance, or they want to seal the deal. Or who knows. But this LDR forum is littered with threads about marriage, and now my LDR goes that route. Shew whats the deal? Funny I haven't noticed that in this particular forum. Where it comes into play is in international rlationships. Western Governments as a rule do not let girlfriends in to visit foe fear that they will overstay their Visa and become illegal aliens thus the only option if you want to continue your relationship is to marry. The cost invovled in multiple visits tend to focus you and therefore you step out in faith that the initial lust can be sustained. Since most of the relationship is based on talking and writing instead of direct physical contact there is a chance of a good match. It does beg the question is the ultimate survival rate of these marriages higher or lower then normal courtships for the different societies invovled.
sao2 Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 IMO, whether or not the relationship did or didn't start as an ldr. The stakes immediately become higher when you decide to be exclusive in a ldr. For most people a ldr is not an acceptable long term solution. If I get involved in an exclusive relationship with someone that is close, I am committing to be faithful and honest and only have eyes for her for the time being. It is easy to do if she is around. I am getting a glimpse at what the relationship is and will be like. I don't get what I want from a ldr. I think most people agree with this sentiment. In reality a ldr does not meet our relationship needs. Whether it be sex, companionship, just someone to hang out with. Therefore if I am going to put myself into a ldr I will make sure it is with someone I feel pretty sure about, and I don't want to be in a ldr with someone that is not sure about me.
Author Dookie_Dont Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 I've seen her every weekend for the past 3 months, we went to school together. And she found me after I moved away and I came to visit her and we hit it off. We've become very close, everything just clicked. A perfect kind of comfort. But of course I'm reasonable, I could see myself spending a long time with this girl, even marriage. But once again: I'm reasonable. To base it all on a couple days a week is not enough, I want to spend much more time together. Great responses from you guys so far. Shes a great girl and I do see a future with her. But shes determined on this marriage deal, and shes not really wanting to rellocate and neither am I right now. It could be a while, but she says if we get married now she'll come my way. And I think that if the feelings are there then marriage is the goal and it won't matter how long it takes!
va bene Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 IMO, whether or not the relationship did or didn't start as an ldr. The stakes immediately become higher when you decide to be exclusive in a ldr. For most people a ldr is not an acceptable long term solution. If I get involved in an exclusive relationship with someone that is close, I am committing to be faithful and honest and only have eyes for her for the time being. It is easy to do if she is around. I am getting a glimpse at what the relationship is and will be like. I don't get what I want from a ldr. I think most people agree with this sentiment. In reality a ldr does not meet our relationship needs. Whether it be sex, companionship, just someone to hang out with. Therefore if I am going to put myself into a ldr I will make sure it is with someone I feel pretty sure about, and I don't want to be in a ldr with someone that is not sure about me. Exactly! I could only put up with LDR if there is strong potential for marriage. If it were an average or dying relationship, then why bother?
Recommended Posts