friedchicken Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 I an not sure exactly. I know he slept with her once while we were dating. But to me if he was having an EA with her- it would hurt more. About 3 months after we started dating he started talking to her again and they talked about seeing each other. When he told her he was dating someone, she wouldn't see him. But apparently he pushed being friends with her. Then things again turned to them seeing each other. He told her we were taking a trip to the Bahamas and she told him she wouldn't see him and he got mad. A week after we got back from the trip, she emailed him about something trivial and he asked to see her. They never met then and I don't know why. Then the next few months are filled with emails back and forth while he was working, phone calls to his office and a few text messages here and there. They met up a few times to exchange porn. He wanted to know her thoughts on the movies he gave her. She started to date someone and told him. He was willing to drag me along one night to the bar she and the guy were at to size him up. The girl didn't go to the bar, so he and I never went. But he wanted her to look him at she was on a date while at the same basket ball game. Anyway, he asked to see her again after not hearing from her for 3 weeks. She agreed but backed down before they were to meet. They exchanged a few emails during this time. They finally slept together about 10 months after we were seeing each other. They still continued to email after this. He asked to see her 3 times after this. She told him she wouldn't see him as long as he was still seeing me. He did some other things to get her attention after this. He told her a month after we got engaged, 3 months after his ex-wife not this girl, got engaged to the guy she left him for. She told him they should never speak again, he said he understood but hated it had to be that way. Then after this he tried to get her attention. I found out about her through him after she threatened to tell me about what happened between them. He told me out of the blue one day that he had a stalker. Then 3 months later I found out the stalker was a girl he dated about 2 years before me. I pieced the items above together through the 300 pages of emails she sent me to show me how he really is. Now she started most of the emails by emailing him in the office in the morning. He is 40 years old. Also, I ended the engagement when I found out. As much as it would hurt, is this an EA? I know when they slept together is was a PA but like I said, an EA would hurt just as much or more.
Lynna Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 The way I understand it, an emotional affair is when two people provide emotional support to each other that they should be getting from their spouse(s)/SO(s). An emotional affair would involve talking to each other about all of lifes problems, about the things that make them happy, sad, mad, etc. An emotional affair is depending on that person for companionship and support. That leads to flirting and so on, and may eventually lead to a PA. To people in an EA they might think that they are in love with the other person. This sounds like an obsession on his part, not an EA. It sounds like she was trying to do the right thing. She was willing to email with him and be friends, but she was trying to avoid an affair for the most part. Unless there are a lot of issues where they are talking to each other and supporting each other emotionally, then I think he is the one with the issue. He is obsessed with her. It may be lust, it may be more, but it is not reciprocated by her. Therefore, I don't think it is an EA. It is, however, a CLEAR, BLATANT, GLARING warning that he does not love you the way that he should. There is no excuse for him behaving like this, continually, while with you. He clearly wants to be with her, you are not his priority as you should be. You are much better off without him in your life. He is not the person you thought he was. On no account question your decision not to be with him. He clearly is not committed to you and therefore, though you may love him still, that is not grounds on which to begin a marriage and a life together. Yes, an EA would hurt as much or and for some it could hurt more than a PA. My H had both, and there are plenty of stories here on LS from both perspectives. An EA is painful because the cheater professes an emotional connection to the other person. Emotional betrayal might be considered worse than physical betrayal to some people because with physical it may not involve love, just sex. For some people these are two separate acts. It all depends on your perspective.
Author friedchicken Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 Thank you. I guess it couldn't be an emotional affair. But you are right, he is still into her- as some would say. Which hurts more than the physical act they committed. He told me what happened that one night was only sex. But 300 emails exchanged between them and contact between them while we were together isn't just sex. As much as it hurts, he wouldn't have spoken to her if he didn't want to and he only had sex once with her. So it just wasnt' sex. Thanks again.
Lynna Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Sorry FC, I know it hurts!!!!! It is crushing I know! Big hugs to you!!!!! Knowing that the person you love has lied to you, deceived you, and betrayed you is very painful. Especially when it turns out that person has feelings for someone else. Personally, I agree with you, "just sex" is a least only physical, this was not "just sex". When there is any kind of emotional attachment, as it seems like he has for her, then that is more personal. I THINK she did not return the emotion based on what you said in your OP, which to me is what keeps it from being an EA. It sounds like they were not providing emotional support for each other. But then again, if they were exchanging porn, there clearly was attraction there. And it does sound like she would have been more into him had he NOT been with you, but she was trying to do the honorable thing and avoid the A. Most people I know don't go around exchanging porn, especially with exes. Maybe there are different forms of emotional affairs? I think you could call this a flat out general affair. They did the physical act, there was emotional attachment (at least on his part), and there was inappropriate email/phone/porn exchange. To me that is an affair. The failing here is his. Try to remember that there is nothing that you did wrong!!! If he felt there was anything lacking in your relationship he should have talked to you about it, or he should have broken up with you when he started wanting to be with her again. Clearly he never got over her and it was his responsibility to admit that to you BEFORE you became too attached. Remember, since they had dated earlier, this problem started before you ever got together with him, so it is not because of you. You will find someone out there who deserves your love and who will return it the way you deserve!!!!
LakesideDream Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Fried, Sounds like he never gave up on her. You made the right choice in moving on with your life. Congratulations!
Lizzie60 Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 I'm sorry but I think this IS an EA... He just can't give up on her... he is the stalker... He slept with her only once... that you know... but the emails... the checking to the bar, etc... that is all pointing towards an EA... An EA is when one is either obsessed or still in love with a person... even though they don't have sex that often. I think you bf still has feeling for her, obviously, cause he wouldn't put so much effort in trying to see her. He probably feels she's not that into him...but is trying to win her. She's independant and strong and that kind of women have men at their feet for a loooong time. Move on...
Author friedchicken Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 Thanks for your kind words and support.
Recommended Posts