Is he "DANGLING" me?

[Brioli]

Ok I have a question.

 

I have been in 3 long-term-relationships in my life..I am 31-years-old. The one I am in now truly throws me for a loop.

 

Ok here is the deal...

Since I met my current bf, I have been somewhat confused weather he is really into me or not.

 

We have been dating a little over a year.

 

When we first met we took things slowly. He was still hung up on this girl that in my opinion manipulated the crap out of him. He loved her very much, and talked about her all the time. I was ok with that, because my children's father who I was with for 6 years, had been in a car accident the year before which has left him with very severe Traumatic Brain Injury. The lost love we had in common..but it had been a year for me and 3 years for him.

 

Now he only dated this girl for 6 months, but told me he knew she was the one he was gonna marry. She dumped him, but still continued to be friends with him for the next 3-years. He hadn't datied anyone in 3 years in hopes that things would be different, and she would be with him. I mean he REALLY loved this girl you could tell. And in my opinion she is not a very nice person.

 

Ok... When we meet we are more friends for the first 3 months, which was great! I mean we have alot in common, and get along really well. We took things slow, until one day he asked me if I was dating anyone else. I told him no, and he told me he wanted the "exclusive relationship". So I agreed.

 

We have had so much fun together..but during the course of our relationship, he would still bring up his ex from time to time..but seemed to be less and less as we went on (I did not mind him talking about his ex, because i wanted to be his friend first and foremost). We started dating July of last year...and in December on Christmas Eve, he told me for the first time that he loved me. It was very special to me, because I knew..or so I thought...that he meant it.

 

Now, during our entire relationship he has pointed out women..like we all do...that he finds attractive. Weather its on TV or out and about...or whatever. He is not flirtacious...but we do talk about our opinions of others. His idea of an attractive girl seems to fall in line with the exact opposite of me. He likes short women 5'0-5'4..I am 5'7. He likes muscular girls..that to me are way too muscular (they look like they have man legs)...and I am very very thin. He preferes blonds, and I am a brunette. Also, alot of the women he finds attractive I just don't see it....Our opinions on attractive women are completely different. His ex was all these things, but gawd she was ugly to me...on the inside too.

 

Now after he told me he loved me...I could feel something was missing. A few months down the road I discussed this with him. He said that he loved me, but wasn't in love with me. What the heck does that mean? So, I broke up with him. I mean we had been dating at this point for 7 months and he is not in love with me? I am like, "WHY DID YOU TELL ME YOU LOVED ME?" He says cause he does...that I am the first girl he has been with that he feels like is his bestfriend and his lover.

 

Now, I know his ex hurt him real bad and put him through some things mentally....and I wonder if he was just protecting himself. I just don't know...because I ended up continuing to see him with my heart on guard. As time has gone on, there have been several occasions where he has told me he loves me sooo much and we have had serious talks about our relationship and his feelings for me.

 

Our friends seem to think he is crazy about me, because he is always kissing and touching me.

 

Ok...now..we have talked about marriage but not seriously. Recently, I have been feeling convicted about living in sin with him. I told him I either wanted to get married or it had to stop. Oh...and btw...he is the one that has been bringing up marriage. He is not ready to get married yet...He is somewhat of a procrastnator..and wants certain things a certain way before we do it. I am the type that says lets do it, then we can go from there and work together.

 

anyway...this is getting long. I had posted a thread in the dating forum about catching him watching porn, and folks gave me some really good advice. I have not talked to him since then, because i happen to know that within 24 hours of us getting in an argument about it...he was already trying to talk with other women on Myspace. These other women all look like his 'ideal' woman too.

 

I can also say...that I know for a fact that he hasn't done this while we have been together. (don't ask how..you already know )

 

This hurts because we hadn't even been split up for 24 hours...(if you want to know why, then read the thread called, "Why did he choose porn, need some male opinions" or something like that.

 

Anyway, he spends almost all of his time with me, but I don't want to be what I like to call a victim of a "DANGLER" A dangler being a guy who doesn't like to be alone, but has no intentions of marrying you or being with you for life.

 

His son's mother he dangled in a way. He says he never loved her in a romantic way, but yet he spent 14 years of his life with her (they have been split up for 5 years). Had a baby with her, and didn't marry her. She is very bitter, even though she has remarried, towards him..I suppose for wasting 14 years of her life,thinking they would be together and get married. So, I know he is fully capable of doing this.

 

I don't think he means too though, because he is a very kind and considerate person..or seems to be.

 

When I have talked with him about how can he find me attractive when this look is his ideal...he says he finds all sorts of women attractive. Trust me though...the ones he talks about have alot of the same qualites. Right down to their smile.

 

I guess I want to try and understand what he is feeling...sometimes I feel as if he really does love me and is really into me. Other times I don't. Would like some male opinions on this....like how likely is he just dangling me?

 

Oh and he says he loves me for who I am, and that he is not trying to focus too much on external things...he said that awhile back...I was like WHAT? "Are you saying you don't find me attactive"? He was like, "No,of course I do, I am just saying that whom someone is on the inside is more important then their outside">

 

Anyways...what is going on here?

[lonelybird]

hi, I am not a man, just could not help to say, his ideal elements is an ODD combination: short and muscular and man's leg? just imaged a little:p

 

I feel like if he did to his ex, probably he can do it again, please be careful, maybe hold back sex as well?

And why does he like another girl who manipulated him? does he love drama himself?

[shadowplay]

This guy sounds like he has a lot of problems. I also don't like his comment about "loving" but "not being in love with" you. I said that once to a guy I cared about but wasn't phsyically attracted to. I think you can do better, and I believe you do too on some level. My hunch is if you put up with him any longer, you're bound to get hurt.

[I love hot men.]

I agree, I would stop seeing a guy who told me he wasn't in love with me. Are you giving him money or financially supporting him in some way? I think he is using you for something, but I'm not sure what.

He has you to the point where you want to do so much to change your physical appearance in order to be his "ideal." The focus on appearances of other women, etc. etc. etc. really doesn't matter. It isn't a girlfriend's job to physically be everything to fit the mold of some perfect "ideal" for him. Most guys I know don't have one physical "ideal" of a woman, they want someone they are attracted to physically, of course, though. So I think a lot of that physical "ideal" may be your own hangups as to that is why you think he is treating you as badly as he is. You deserve a man who REALLY loves you for who you are. He doesn't.

Please try to look at this as a happy time in that you are ending a relationship with a total ass.

[JamesM]

I would have to say that he is not into you as much as you may hope or think. And as you seemed to have figured out, he still has a thing for his ex. He probably has a fantasized version of her in his mind, so he is attempting to find someone who fits that description/fantasy.

[Brioli]

Well ok, no he has never put my down about how I look physically. I mean he always compliments me, but it's something that I have put together on my own.

 

and no...I do not give him money or anything...he usually spends his money, because now I am single mom of two very small children and can't afford to do much.

 

As for using me for something, I think it's to have someone. It was 6 months ago that he said he wasn't in love with me. Since then he has shown otherwise any many ways...but I just don't know...

[T-town]

In my exerience if somebody has had nothing but unhealthy relationships there is a reason for that...and its prolly them(i have found this out the hard way). I have also learned the hard way is that showing somebody you love them is more important than saying you love them. He doesn't seem to be doing either. Plus from ur last thread he sounds like a pretty weird dude...that is not normal at all.

[JamesM]

Okay, now I remember who you are. The BF with the porn going while you were sleeping.

 

I am now beginning to think that he is more than inconsiderate. I am thinking he does not love you as you may hope or think. A confrontation may be in order...what will our future be?

 

And I extend my sympathy for all of the hurt you have endured these past few years. I am glad you found us.

[Brioli]

THANKYOU JAMESM

 

LOL! ok tyvm everyone...but...I guess I haven't written enough positive here about him. Let me tell you that the reason the porn upset me so bad, is that it WAS out of character for him. He is not normally inconsiderate.

 

Let me give you some examples of his positive side.

 

He does my yard, he cooks for me and takes me out to eat like 3 times a week.

 

He has helped me with my children when I need a sitter or to get things done.

 

He does the dishes after every time I cook for him and takes out the trash

 

He can't keep his hands off me

 

He pays for everything, and refuses to allow me to pay.

 

He sleeps on the couch when the kids are here, because we are not married and I don't want him in my bed. (He does not live with me though...this is like 5 nights a week

 

When he stays at home the other two nights he is online chatting with me.

 

He has never verbally abused me, called me a name, or said anything derogatory about me or my looks.

 

He calls me beautiful

 

He tells me I am his bestfriend

 

ummm there is more, but you get the point.

 

I must say though that I haven't been so nice, which could be one reason he is so hestatent about moving forward.

 

All my past relationships were not all that great, and I have my own issues.

 

I think he is mostly wonderful in every way...but I don't want to end up broken hearted if he just doing all this to keep from being alone.

 

Thanks guys,

*Bri

[JamesM]

You are welcome...we are your friends.

 

So, you have trust issues, too?

 

I guess that you may want to avoid the confrontation part, but I still feel that a talk regarding "where are we going?" talk is a good thing. He has issues...you have issues. I am not sure of all of your past relationships...I know I would love to hear of them, but you may not want to post all of the details on the Board. Why do you have trust issues? Have your past BFs dumped you...and why?

 

What happened with the BF who got in an accident? How does he fit in the picture?

 

Have you discussed recently with the current BF about his feelings for his past GF? Do you think he is telling the truth?

 

As for all of the good things...great. But do they outweigh the bad things? And if this is the first time he was so inconsiderate..the porn thing, then why did it so upset you that you felt you no longer knew him? One out of character incident usually doesn't cause that...could it be more that you suddenly felt that this was like a past relationship rather than accepting that he could have made a mistake with you?

 

Why haven't you been nice? Does this have to do with trying to stop smoking? That would make anyone irritable! It may be more than that.

 

Not meaning to pry...just trying to help. Sometimes when we get it all out, we not only feel better...we actually find answers.

[shadowplay]

I really think you need to have a talk with him. Right now you're hovering in this uncomfortable limbo. You don't know where he's at, but you don't want to break the status quo by confronting him. There's all this uncertainty. It may be scary, but the only way you'll be happy is by finding out the truth. Just ask him flat out if he still feels the same way he did before when he said he wasn't in love with you. Tell him of your fears that he's just using you because he doesn't want to be alone. If he shows uncertainty, I would break things off. Better now then down the line when you get even more attached. You don't seem happy right now, and what's the point in being in a relationship if it isn't making you happy? Don't settle for second best. Keep us updated. I wish you the very best.