Tangerina Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 Ok, I'll try to keep it short since I'm usually bad at that. I posted on here a few other times about how my boyfriend is most likely going into the PeaceCorps next June. He doesn't have an assignment yet and isn't officially accepted, but it has been a dream of his since long before we met and unless something drastic prevents it he will be going to Africa for 2 years. I knew this before we got involved but you know how it is... you just never can know ahead of time how attached you will get if you decide to be involved with someone. We both agree that at this point in our lives (we will be 22 and 24 at the time) a relationship couldn't survive a 2 year separation with little to no contact. The other weird thing is that I will be studying abroad for 11 weeks this year from September 14-December 3rd. I will have phone and internet but won't be super available because of an 8 hour time difference and long distance phone prices, but we talked about it earlier this year and agreed that it would be hard but we could make it through that. When he was younger and lived in the college dorms he would spend the summer away from his LT girlfriend when they both went back home so he has a bit of experience with that sort of thing. So, now it is only about 2 months until I leave and it just seems so much more real and less theoretical and I have been getting a little more antsy about it but haven't wanted to bring it up and ruin summer fun, but apparently he has been worrying about it too and wants to start talking about it (which is oddly comforting because in past relationships I've been accused of being 'clingy' if I wanted to talk about uncomfortable things like this.) Last night we were kind of tipsy and very very long (and not as well remembered as I would like) story short he is starting to get scared of being attached and is starting to doubt staying together while I'm away since it would be so weird to spend 11 painful weeks apart, be reunited for a few months only to face dealing with a permanent separation soon after. All the emotional ups and downs would be ugly. He says that I am the closest person to him outside of his family and he couldn't bear losing me as a friend and that he is leaning towards splitting before I leave and working really hard to forge a healthy friendship rather than going through all the upheavals that romantic attachment would cause over the next year. My boy is a super rational person, his brain is math, and this makes the most rational sense to him but I also feel that it is a major reaction to fear of all the crappy emotions. When I said... "well, I don't think it has to be a choice between splitting up and staying friends or trying to be together and going through tremendous pain, but if you are set on that being right for you it wouldn't feel right if we stayed together just because I 'convinced' you to change your mind." And he said "No! I just really don't know what I want, that just seems to make the most rational sense, y'know?" We agreed that we need to talk a lot more about this soon, that we really care about each other and that basically this situation is messed up and there is no good way to deal with it. I don't know what to do! I guess my gut feeling is that breaking up while things are good because things might hurt later is like killing yourself so you never have to die, it's trying to control a crappy but inevitable situation. As much as the bad feelings of separation or impending separation might tear us apart, or maybe in a few months we just won't be interested in each other any more, I think it is worth that risk to have good times together in the meantime. The obvious catch would be if, subconsciously, he is also wanting to get out for other reasons and isn't as happy as I am with the relationship, or if he just doesn't think he could deal with the 11 week separation in a healthy way and it would be futile to try. As much as it would hurt a little every time we got closer, I would rather have this experience and let it play itself out than close off that whole future because the bad stuff is so tangible at this point. I think the separation anxiety could turn this fun thing sour really quickly, but that wouldn't make it any harder to be friends when it ended, it would just mean that we lived the full course of it (which even if we split now and worked on a friendship it would take some NC and major readjustment.) I'm SO confused so of course I came here for advice and to hear other people's experiences with similar situations. I really want this to work but is it dumb to even try when there is a known cut-off date? I could be out living my own life and maybe meet someone it could work out with, but I'm blinded by my caring for this wonderful person. I've been in relationships in the past where I convinced someone who wanted to go to stay, using logic and emotion, and that never ended well. I don't think he REALLY wants to go, but I think he really doesn't know what to do, and neither do I. HELP!!!!
quankanne Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 the big question here is: once your time of separation is complete, where do you hope to be romantically? Back with each other? Pursuing other romances? if right now you know that this is where you want to be (and I'm talking to the both of you), then why not give it a try? You'll face some challenges, yes, but if each of you have the eye on the prize at the end of the separation, you're way ahead of the game because you want to be together. it's so easy to give in to fear of the unknown, especially with that kind of separation, but it's equally as easy to break down the separation into manageable parts: In three months X will happen. In six months, that will happen. In 12 months, he's half-way through. In 15 months I complete my associates degree. And so on and so forth. my husband and I met under similar circumstances when I was in college way back when, with huge chunks of time and distance apart because of his job, but guess what? We survived all that, and ended up marrying 15 years ago. Mind you, parts of it weren't easy, but I knew this was the guy I could easily share my life with, so I was willing to make the sacrifice. (hee hee ... he was clueless, but eventually he realized he loved me back ) so don't ever let fear stand in your way. Even if you guys try and it doesn't work out the way you hope, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave it your all, you know?
Author Tangerina Posted July 10, 2007 Author Posted July 10, 2007 so don't ever let fear stand in your way. Even if you guys try and it doesn't work out the way you hope, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you gave it your all, you know? This part really speaks to me, because I would much rather know that things failed on their own (lack of) merit than just decide to run from it because it is scary. I think the 11 weeks would be hard but could be really good as well, in the sense of bringing us together emotionally. As for the 2 years, I don't think either of us would feel comfortable making any kind of commitment to that... that's not to say we would never meet again and who knows, maybe even after all of the life changes in those 2 years we would have some sort of connection, but I think we both need to go into it with the goal of living our own lives without waiting up for the other. We don't have any sort of commitment on the level of marriage or intending to get married, and neither of us will be at that point in life for a while, but we both really like each other and I think we want to see where it could go and the idea of having to separate in a year makes it scary to get attached and makes it seem pointless to try to stay together through the shorter separation.
Author Tangerina Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 Here is the letter I wrote him about my thoughts, but it is super long. Hey Sweetie, so I totally agree that talking is better than letters, but I needed to write all this down so I knew exactly what I mean to say, and so I can articulate exactly what I am feeling. By the way, I appreciate so much your openness and willingness to talk about our relationship, it means a lot to me. I’ve been thinking a lot about the things we talked about the other night and I think my own feelings on the matter have become much clearer. For me, the question that comes before all the other nuances and discussions is, if neither of us were going away and we had the sense that we were somehow granted unlimited time to play out this relationship just on its own merits, are you happy and is this what you want to be doing? I know with anything long term like this there are times when it feels more like a habit than a desire, but overall do you feel that you are with me because you want to be and because it enriches your life in some way? Are you getting what you want out of this relationship? Are you growing and learning new things and having fun? Do the positives consistently outweigh the negatives? Do you feel supported and cared for and simultaneously free to be your self? If you sincerely think about all of these questions and realize that there are serious things lacking for you or that this relationship is holding you back in some way then we probably do have bigger problems than it seems and should cut our losses while we can. If, on the other hand, you feel that overall you are happy and you are where you want to be and you feel that our interactions make your life better or more positive in some way… then that is where the rest of this letter comes in. This is a weird time in our lives because we are so young and everything is so fluid that it is strange to form such strong attachments, but on the other hand that is what humans do and as much as it can hurt to lose something you care about many of the good things in life come from taking that risk. When I ask myself the above questions there are some aspects of our relationship that come down on both sides, but overwhelmingly I feel really good and even keeled and… healthy… sharing a romantic relationship with you. I’m not a delusional sap who thinks there is only one way to have a good relationship and only one person for each person to have it with, but I feel like we have a good and relaxed thing going and I really enjoy it. I’m having fun, dammit, and feeling very fulfilled at the same time. And I really care about you as a friend, a lover, and in that weird mysterious extra way that is called love. The thought of leaving you to spend 11 weeks apart while I’m in Greece feels scary. The thought of having to give you up for good when you leave for Africa feels extra scary, though both of these things were ‘known unknowns’ when we got into this relationship and I want to reassure you that I don’t feel that you leaving has anything to do with me personally and that I understand how important it is to you and that I am very proud of you for pursuing that path. The idea of all this separation sucks, hardcore, and it is tempting to try to avoid the negative feelings that it would surely cause by cutting off the romantic aspect of our relationship before either of these events take place. However, when I get to the core of my feelings I see how much that path would be motivated by fear and wouldn’t do my feelings justice at all. Putting myself out there and being perfectly honest, I must say that if the fear of the negative feelings of separation and the possible unhappiness and complications it could cause is the only thing preventing us from having fulfilling time together then I would rather take that risk and see what happens naturally than try to play it safe and give up good things to shelter ourselves from the possibility of unspecified unhappinesses. This is obviously a moot point if there are other things going on in the relationship that are making it undesirable for us to stick with it, but if the only negative force is fear of the future I would rather face that future and let it affect us how it will than try to guard against maybes and what ifs. Say we call it off tomorrow just to avoid all the possible future complications even though we are very happy in the moment. What if a week later we would have realized the spark had gone and had called it off anyways? What if a month later we had had the best day together ever and were so thankful for the time together? What if I leave for Greece and four weeks in we realize the strain is too much and we have to split? What if one of us meets someone else? What if I’m in Greece and five weeks in we realize that we both feel very busy and engaged in our own lives but that we also feel very connected and supported through our phone and e-mail contacts and we are growing even closer together emotionally? What if we have our ups and downs and make it through my trip but realize we no longer like each other when I get back, because we’ve changed? What if I get back and we are so thankful to be together again that we value every day we have together to a new degree? What if as your departure for PeaceCorps approaches we start picking fights with each other to drive a wedge between us so we care less about the separation? What if we fear the impending separation but enjoy the time together so much that we can’t find any room for regretting the time we had even though it is hard? What if instead of seven months together after I return your assignment is postponed and we have a year? What if within that time we realize we aren’t right for each other and go our separate ways? What if we realize we want to get married? Hell, what if one of us dies, like in that horribly tragic accident that killed Julia’s friend right before she was supposed to leave for PeaceCorps? I just feel that there is so much that could go right or wrong, and yeah, both my trip and the prospect of the cutoff date could produce the stress and negativity that put the final nail in the coffin, and if they don’t then you are still going away, but I would rather let this thrive or fail on its own merits than try to preempt any messiness based on what ifs. Trust me, this is a bold stance for me because cutoff dates scare the hell out of my, but I’m sick of living my life trying to protect myself from pain and change in the future. I’ve already missed out on a lot of good things because of this fear and believe me I always ended up hurting later anyways, because that’s how life is, but I missed out on the good things obsessing about how much it was going to hurt later. I guess I have a few main points to make. An important one is that a year is a long time. You aren’t leaving for an entire year and a lot can happen in that time. My main point is we could find a deeper connection during that time or we could realize that our connection really isn’t that strong and we’d split or we could just have a ****ing awesome time but I’d rather find these things out in their own course than decide that it is too risky because of the time we will spend apart in that year. Also, when I return we will have at least 7 months before you go. If we made it through the separation of me being in Greece then 7 months is a whole other long time in which to experience many positive and negative things, to grow closer together or to lose the romantic spark. In another important point I realize that one of your biggest fears is that if we play out this relationship and separate because of some sort of incompatibility or falling out or strain from all the weird traveling stuff then things would be awkward and we wouldn’t have a shot at being friends. I’m sorry to say that awkward is a given. Even if we separated tomorrow on the best of terms there would have to be a long period of no contact and readjustment before we could have a healthy friendship without romantic tension. Even then, what if one of us starts dating someone else? Or what if we can’t shake our attraction for each other? Awkwardness is a given in this sort of situation, at least to some degree. However, I want you to know that I value your friendship over any other aspect of our relating and I will do everything in my power to keep that. I feel very close to you and I feel that I get so much out of our interactions and caring for each other. Yeah, if we split now it will be awkward, if we split later because we are frustrated or confused or lonely then it will be awkward, but I won’t stop caring about you just because things are awkward and eventually the awkwardness will pass. I feel like I’ve set a bad example by being so down on my exes, but they did not treat me very nicely and I don’t respect them as people on some level. I have only the highest respect for you and the way you treat me and a romantic falling out won’t change that. I think it is silly to base a breakup on the fear of future awkwardness because things will be awkward no matter what, but you can always count on me wanting to be your friend. I’m not going to try to play all mature and hide the fact that I want more. I really like what we have going on, and the friendship and sexual and romantic aspects feel well balanced and beneficial and I will be sad to lose the sort of relationship we have now when the time comes in whatever form it comes in, but the friendship is what really matters. Let’s see… other important points I want to make? Going to Greece will be a big thing and my first priority will be making it a meaningful experience for myself, but just because I’ll be so far away from the people I love doesn’t make them any less important or urgent in my daily life. I’ll be e-mailing and calling my loved ones as much as I can without it getting in the way of my experience of being in Greece and being really present there, but just because it will be hard to be apart does not mean I will neglect to be there to the degree I can for the people I care about. As far as you and I are concerned it would be really hard, hard enough that it could shatter our romantic relationship. Or it could provide a challenge and a chance to grow together emotionally and a chance for honesty and sharing and missing each other… either way we won’t know unless we try and I’d rather try than just give up without knowing how it would really feel. Eleven weeks isn’t two years and it isn’t forever, but a lot can happen in that time. I’m sure that in both of our lives good and bad things will happen and between us good and bad feelings will be experienced, but who is to say where they will take us and what we will find out about our selves? Look Mister, I love you and I think you are tons of fun. You’re pretty much my favorite nerd. You and me = awesome, our circumstances =not so awesome, but I want to talk with you and work with you to find what feels right for both of us. And I don’t want to be ruled by fear of what ifs. I hope we can put our hearts and brains together and find the courage to walk a path that feels correct to us, and to just take things as they come and feel what is right for us each step of the way. I hope for many more fun times together, with a few sappy ones thrown in, and a few hard ones to make the good ones seem good and to remind us that this is real life. All this is very confusing to me, and scary to boot, but I hope I have the grace to roll with the punches, live it up to its fullest, and to be the best person I can be for myself and as your supportive partner and friend.
Walk Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Awww... Love the letter. Especially the last paragraph. I tend to agree with your idea's of taking things on a more day to day approach, as long as there is open communication regularly. It'll be hard work to keep those lines open when one or both of you might be afraid of getting hurt by the impending leave. Not impossible, but will take some dilligence on both your parts.
Author Tangerina Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 Thanks Walk... yeah, this has always been a big challenge for me because I've never been in a relationship where some projected future disturbance wasn't looming on the horizon. I don't think I have handled it well in the past but I've accepted to a greater degree now that that is just how life is and it is silly to spend time that you could be creating great memories and experiences worrying about the future. It is hard, though. I think this situation is helped greatly by the fact that my current boyfriend isn't a jerk and is actually worth the trouble (that's not just discriminatory against the ex talk, my exes were not very nice, but you know how it is once you get attached....) Thanks for reading my post, I didn't think anyone would since it is so long but I totally use LS for processing, y'know? I feel all sticky inside and don't know what to do. On the one hand it isn't like we are planning on getting married or anything so why shouldn't we just cut our losses now? But I really like this guy and I just want to see what happens. I know he likes me a lot too and is happy to be with me, but it does seem so futile when he is certainly leaving the country for a very long time. Hmm, I'm sure it will all work out though.
quankanne Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 what an incredible letter you've written, Tangerina – very mature insights for someone facing a new and unsure experience, and I think that might help him to calm down and think things through a bit better. good luck ... i personally believe that taking that leap into the unknown is a worthwhile endeaver when it's with a partner you trust!
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