thorny devil Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 Hi there, I've never ever posted to a site like this before. Which might explain the depths of despair and confusion I've sunk to. Here's the story. Three years ago I had an affair. My marriage had recently ended and his (my co-affairee) relationship was a 'let's stay together for the kids' arrangement. I should have been wiser picking this guy as he was a serial infidel, but we 'clicked' and got it on. In so many ways, he was Mr Right - same sense of humour (please don't correct my spelling - I'm Australian and that's how you spell 'humour' in my language), same passion for creativity & reading, adventure, overseas travel to amazing & obscure places ... For me, he was 'the one'. Well... He dumped me because he couldn't cope with the guilt and wanted to stop 'being bad'. We work together and remained friends. We had an off-and-on thing for a little while, however I was heartbroken and tried to take my own life when he dumped me a second time. I then -2 days after coming out of hospital- ran to several other friends (female and male) and ended up in bed with one of them. I know it was a comfort thing... but it persisted when it shouldn't... He was separated at the time and trying to sort out his life. He fell in love with me and I developed feelings for him. He ended his relationship, and after a period of time, we began to see each other properly. I was uncertain at first, becuase he was having such a hard time breaking it off with his ex. During this time, I had stopped being intimate with my affairee ... although we still were in touch because of our working relationship. BUT.... When my affairee found out I was seeing someone seriously, he declared his love for me, left his partner and began pursuing me... for almost a year. I told him I still loved him, but I could not be with him... He did everything... sent flowers, presents, drew pictures, wrote letters, took photographs ... I became confused... I loved him and still did... but he couldn't be trusted to be faithful and I was already seeing someone else ... And now... I am still with my counsellor-turned-partner; he is caring, romantic, passionate, my children love him, reliable, loyal, has the best EQ I've ever encountered, loves all the things I like doing (except my gym fetish), is awesome in bed, kisses like a demon. In other words, he is perfect -but- I am finding it so difficult to let go of my affairee, the person who I have cast in my mind as 'the one'. My question is how do I let go of him? How do I create the belief that my counsellor-turned-parnter is THE ONE? How do I get inside my head and turn off this imaginary perfection I have created? Or am I really in love in with my affairee and should just go and be with him? I can't believe I have gotten myself into this predicament. In every other way, I have my life going exactly where I want it to go.... Please give me some advice, especially if you're found yourself in this situation.
Curmudgeon Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 Welcome aboard! Perhaps you should consider stepping back from both of them for awhile until you figure things out for and by yourself. Right now you're not being true to either and in the end will just create more heartache, especially for yourself. To be with one while still thinking about and/or yearning for another is nothing more nor less than emotional infidelity. I don't recommend it! It is not a strong foundation for any kind of committed relationship and will likely crumble before too long.
Author thorny devil Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 Hi Curmudgeon, Thanks for the reply & the suggestions. I actually did take this line of attack 18 months ago ... and came up with the feeling that my counsellor was the right one. Of course I suspect I am suffering from the 'grass is always greener' syndrome and I am in need of advice on how to get over that. How to move on. I haven't had this experience before. It has been therapeutic, though, writing out the whole story. I've never actually told anyone the whole sordid details before. Maybe I should do some journal writing and really explore what it is that's holding me back. I was hoping I might have got a few more replies oh well, guess I'm just plain boring compared to other posts.
Curmudgeon Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 I was hoping I might have got a few more replies oh well, guess I'm just plain boring compared to other posts. Writing things out can be very therapeutic and cathartic. However, it only gets you over the immediate situation but not the long-haul so you may continue to face these situations and decisions. I can only tell you what worked for me in the aftermath of divorce insofar as "reinventing" myself is concerned. I took two years off, lived like a monk and concentrated on those things about me that needed fixing. It was a, sometimes, very painful experience as I identified, confronted, admitted to, dealt with and finally laid to rest things about me that were counter-intuitive or just plain unpleasant or wrong. At the end of the two years (a little longer, actually) I emerged stronger, better, more confident, liking myself and enjoying my own company, and here it is years later and I'm still a work in progress.
ShyguyRod Posted July 15, 2007 Posted July 15, 2007 Hi Thorny. Your situation definitely sounds quite tough. My inexperienced and simplistic outlook on your problem is this; You know that 'the one' almost killed you after he dumped you for the second time, so yes as you said you know he cannot be trusted. Although you may be suffering from 'the grass is always greener' My thoughts are that 'the one's' suffering from 'want what I cant have's. I feel to help you get over this you need to perhaps write a little more as it has already helped you and could be the first step to solving your troubles. You should be 100% honest with yourself and don't leave out any of the facts. You know that your counselor/partner was there when 'the one' cast you aside. Again this is just my simplistic view, and I hope I have helped in some way. Good Luck to you Thorny Devil!
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