confused051306 Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 Hi - just found this forum and joined, so I am hoping some of you will be willing to help me with some ideas. My husband and I got married last May after about a year and a half of dating. For most of our relationship we were long distance, and I traveled almost every other weekend to see him during this time. He has never been overly compassionate, and can be quite selfish, but we always had a good time together and enjoyed each other's company. Compared to other couples we have always been unusual, but it seemed to work well for us. About a month after the wedding, my husband and I were finally living in the same town after buying our first home together. We had never lived with each other before, and obviously this was an adjustment. We certainly had our issues in this area, but nothing more than I think would be usual. The Monday before Thanksgiving, my husband lost his job, and things have seemed to go downhill from there. He was able to get another job as a sales associate for a retail store, but was not making even close to the money he had before, and our bills were piling up quickly. He had originally said that he would get a second job as well to help supplement his salary, but instead he chose to stay home on most of his days off and read his books and drink beer. (He has always been a BIG drinker.) I was also having some job-related issues, and tried to rationalize that the strain of our marriage was more related to my unhappiness at work. Things have just seemed to get worse since then. When I would try to ask him early in our marriage about seeing a counselor so we could work on our communication skills - this has always been an issue - he would refuse to go. He said that the only way he would go is if we were getting ready for a divorce and then he would try. My job finally got so bad that I begged my husband to please look for a job with insurance benefits so that I could quit and continue to look for another position. I was told no, I couldn't do that, because he was waiting for a possible job that would begin in August of 2007, if the funding went through. Friends of mine, as well as my father, had been able to pull some strings and get him interviews and positions with their companies, but he declined because it wasn't something he really wanted to do. The only way I convinced him to get another job was if we moved to the city that he went to school in and he could use his connections to get back on with his own company. I was so distressed I just agreed. I have not been happy since January or February, and everytime I try to talk with him about how I feel, and ask him for how he feels, and try to come up with some ideas for how to try and solve them, he just would get defensive and make me feel bad for everything. He always acts like nothing is ever wrong, even though I have told him that I don't feel like I am important to him. His drinking has gotten excessive, and I feel like we have grown apart. I know people grow and change during relationships, but I feel like we have grown in different directions. I need him to pay attention to me, maybe sit with me on the couch to watch a movie and not across the room, talk with me or interact with me instead of reading his book all the time or watching videos on the Internet. He never physically even acknowledges to others that I am his wife. He never kisses or touches me, or even just holds my hand. We haven't had what I think would be considered a "normal" intimate relationship since we have been married - for example, we went for more than 4 months without being intimate, and it will be 2 months since the last time we were intimate (on our anniversary because I asked if it would be possible) this weekend. Maybe I have just changed. I am apparently more "needy" than before - I enjoy seeing my friends who are married or dating that are involved with each other and aren't afraid to show it. I want to be able to feel comfortable with my husband and enjoy his company. I want a husband who I feel loves my company and opinions even if he disagrees. Right now, I have a man who isn't the same as the one I married. He tells me, jokingly, that because I am a woman my opinions don't matter. Although he has said this before and I was never offended, it seems like now there may be some truth to what he is saying and even though he is joking, I am hurt by these statements. I asked him last night to talk, again, and told him that I thought we should try a separation. He was supposedly shocked. I don't understand why - less than a month ago I asked him if we could have possibly made a mistake when we got married. He has known I have not been happy. I truly thought that if I could get my professional life in a better state, that my personal life would go back to normal, but that has not been the case. We are going to see a marriage counselor for the first time tomorrow, but I feel like it's almost too little too late. I am so tired of trying to fight for us and my husband just getting better for a week and then returning to acting the same that he was before our talk, or even worse. I'm afraid that my heart just isn't in it any more, and that I would be better off by myself right now. Sorry for the long posting. Any help anyone can provide would be greatly appreciated. My husband doesn't seem to want a separation or divorce, but I really just don't know how much longer I can take living such an unhappy home life. Send some advice ASAP, confused051306
hope4best Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 Hang in there. I know that fighting and trying to make things work can be so draining, but give counseling a fair chance first.
lookingforhappiness Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 If you can get him into counselling with you then give that some real effort. If he won't go, then go on your own to figure out what you want. It doesn't sound like he's trying to meet your needs or shows you much consideration. You can't continue in a relationship like that and expect to be happy. I really hope he'll do counselling! It helps alot of people
NoIntimacy Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 This is so weird to be now sharing something to help a person and I myself just recently joined this forum on July4th because of the lack of intimacy in our marriage....now we have been married almost 16 years but EVERY marriage is going to go through test and trials...it will happen. The point is..what will we do in the midst of it and how will we CHOOSE to respond. Our responses to marital or financial stress can not be driven by anger/fear/frustration because it will only breed more of that negativity, but instead we need to try to be honest and upfront with eachother and say how we feel and what we are missing in the relationship. OK -- now to try to respond to your situation. I honestly don't think it's divorce that you want...you actually want his support/his affection/his respect/and his unconditional love for you. It's interesting to me that he is not willing to look at the stress you're going through with your job and the financial situation and relieve of you of being the one to hold things together and figure things out for you AND him....that gets to be a weight and a burden that was never intended for the wife to carry. The role, in my view, of the husband is to be attentive and notice EVERY thing that negativity affects his wife and discuss with her and work as a team to come up with solutions and a resolve that will make her be at peace. He needs to snap out of it and get a clue...oh yeah I don't understand why he's surprised now that you're voicing your feelings. I just joined the forum, as I mentioned, and thankfully in the last 48 hours things have turned around COMPLETELY. We were trying to decide if we were just tired of trying to work out our problems and be separated or call it quits but the CHANGE came when I/we made a decision that we are IN THIS TOGETHER and discussed what I need from him and what he needs from me. We took ACTION and started actively making a consistent effort to be more aware of where we are lacking in our relationship and CHANGE comes just like that. Maybe his father was that type of husband or he never saw the true loving role of a husband modeled in his home....you never know...but it would have been good to see his father and mother in action to give you an idea. At any rate, the counseling is a start but even before that HE needs to decide that he is not going to counseling for a fix...he needs to have already decided in his HEART and MIND that "I NEED TO CHANGE" "I NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BE FOR MY WIFE WHAT SHE NEEDS" "HERE ARE THE AREAS I AM LACKING AND I NEED HELP".....then you go to counseling. Cause basically we have been going to counseling for 12 months and if the individual doesn't already have the decision made to take action...change IS NOT going to come...I"m tellin' ya girl. He has to ALREADY have a made-up mind that "I don't know how to be a husband but I am DEFINITELY going to find out what she needs and meet everyone of them".....I hope you can just not give up yet because it's early in your marriage and you made a vow for BETTER or WORSE (well maybe you said those types of vows)...if so, this is a part of the WORSE and YOU need to, for yourself, to work through and give your all before you turn in the towel...but it does take two ACTIVE parties to Jam!!! Be strong and I'll check the forum often to see how you are doing. P.S. When you go to counseling focus on Y-O-U don't point fingers and talk about "he's not doing this and he's not doing that for me ...this for ME...blah blah blah....instead focus on how you recognize this or that and believe it has played a part in affecting your financial stability, your intimacy and mostly the communication and you are needed help with how to work with HIM to heal the pain and press forward in the marriage....be positive but be honest and upfront...TRUTH MUST CONFRONT the lies in his life about his role in the marriage. He needs to admit that he has failed you emotionally in the relationship....but you face the fact that alot of how he responded to you are not a surprise -- you knew them during the dating stage....so own that also but don't tolerate it anymore if he tears you down.
Author confused051306 Posted July 10, 2007 Author Posted July 10, 2007 I want to say thanks to lookingforhappiness, hope4best and NoIntimacy for your comments and support. They really have given me some ideas, and I just hope I have the energy to continue to try and fight for our marriage. We were supposed to go to counseling today at 5, but he called this morning suddenly remembering he had a meeting at work at 5:15. He asked if I wanted him to call to try and reschedule or if I wanted to do it, and I told him that I was leaving my meeting early to go to our counseling session, and if it was truly his conflict, he needed to be the one to reschedule. I gave him my availability for the next few days, and finally this afternoon at 4 he texted me to let me know that we now have an appointment for tomorrow at 5. So I hope we are able to make that time instead. I am just so TIRED...I have been sick and that has put some stress on us as well, but for me finally identifying why I have been sick has been a huge relief. Now it's just trying to get it under control that is the tough part, but at least I know what I'm dealing with. He tries to use this as an excuse for the problems in our relationship, but that is truly not the issue at the core. I understand that it hasn't helped the situation, but I have been having health problems for a long time - almost 11 years - and so this isn't something "new" that just happened that changed our dynamic. Last night neither of us really talked much. I did sit in the living room with him after I baked some cookies to take to work, and the things I tried to say he didn't really respond to, so eventually I just stopped talking. Finally he started making comments (after the alcohol finally set in, I guess), and by then I was involved in my stuff that I was doing so of course I wasn't great reciprocating either. It just always seems that I have to be the one to reciprocate and he doesn't. I guess after trying to identify this and work on it for 9 months or more that I just don't know how much longer I can keep it up...and he will have a lot of trying and a lot to prove before I truly believe that he means it. You guys have been great. I truly mean it. It is so nice to have some support and ideas. NoIntimacy - I promise to try my best at counseling tomorrow. Luckily - well, maybe not so lucky - I have been to counselors before, and I did start seeing one at home in March because of the work situation and my marriage. I know if anything will help this is it...but I just hope he is honest, and I am able to put forth all of my energy into making it work. But I just don't know if I have the energy still to do it. Being so tired all the time worrying about stuff and fighting with him just has worn me out. I'll make sure to post an update tomorrow night. Again, thanks so much to all of you. You don't know how much it means. confused051306
Windwalker Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 I admire your bravery in confronting this. It's easy to just think it's the situation or you or whatever and just go on. Years pass and you'll find yourself more and more unhappy. Do not let his behavior go unchecked. If he's not responsive to your needs, you're not really married; you're enslaved with his problems while yours get no support. It sounds like drinking is a big factor. Drinking can squelch his libido, which is just not acceptable in a new marriage! You've put up with too much already, as far as I'm concerned. He needs to get in the marriage or get out, and you're going to have to be the one to say this and mean it if you ever want to be happy again. Spoken from years of experience learned too late. Keep us posted, ok?
Author confused051306 Posted July 16, 2007 Author Posted July 16, 2007 Well, things have been crazy since we saw the counselor on Wednesday, but I wanted to give an update to get everyone's opinion. My husband told the counselor that he thought the entire counseling process was stupid and he didn't put any stock in it, but the only reason he came was because he would do anything for me and we needed to work out some of our problems. Apparently I had a look on my face, because I have not ever felt that he would do ANYTHING for me. The counselor said something like well I can tell you really love her because you are here and my husband agreed. (I wanted to say no, the reason he is finally here after I have been asking for counseling since last November is because I told him I wanted to get a separation and he finally succumbed to the idea of counseling. Too little too late if you want my opinion.) Anyways, he did a family map and it came out about my husband's father being a recovering alcoholic. The counselor said that since he was raised in a recovery household that was part of the reason he internalizes his feelings. (Both my husband and I don't agree - his brother - 18 months younger - does not act like this.) He finally said that he "might have what some people would consider a drinking problem." I was asked if I thought it was a problem, and I said that some of our friends refuse to ride with us any more if Geoff had been drinking. He was shocked and a little upset, and when he asked why I hadn't told him, I said it was because I never knew how he would react to things any more and I was afraid of what his response would be. We have contracted with the counselor for 2 or 3 more sessions, and see him on July 23rd again. We haven't really talked about the session. I asked when we got home if he liked the guy and he was like yeah, I guess. That's it. I asked the counselor if he had any "homework" for us to do, and he said to get a journal to write things down in and bring it to our next appointment. I went and got us both note pads today. My parents came to visit this weekend, and they asked what was going on. My dad said that he doesn't think that my husband even really likes me - he never interacted with me, and at dinner I was really hungry and he picked up the entire salad bowl and set it in front of me. My mom was so angry! They both feel like he is getting a "free ride" - I do have a higher salary than my husband and I am paying for a lot of his bills AND his beer when my paycheck goes into the joint account. I am actually paying for a Christmas present he gave me in 2005 and my engagement and wedding ring! I'm also helping to pay his student loan payments and credit cards. I have student loans too, but I am paying mine through a different account with money I had saved for that reason. Therefore, he isn't contributing at all to my personal debts. My parents hope that we can work things out and he can become less selfish, and reduce or quit the drinking, but they don't feel it will happen. They just want me to be happy, and right now I'm not. I really think we need to get separated to see if we actually miss each other. The problem is that I think he will miss me...but I don't think I will miss him. I just don't think we "mesh" any more. He even said to the counselor that it is like our personalities don't match up now. I really wish I knew what to do. Any advice is appreciated. You all have helped me so much already. Thanks for your support and suggestions.
BabyPhoenix Posted July 16, 2007 Posted July 16, 2007 My husband told the counselor that he thought the entire counseling process was stupid My dad said that he doesn't think that my husband even really likes me - he never interacted with me, and at dinner I was really hungry and he picked up the entire salad bowl and set it in front of me. My mom was so angry! They both feel like he is getting a "free ride" - I do have a higher salary than my husband and I am paying for a lot of his bills AND his beer when my paycheck goes into the joint account. I am actually paying for a Christmas present he gave me in 2005 and my engagement and wedding ring! I'm also helping to pay his student loan payments and credit cards. I have student loans too, but I am paying mine through a different account with money I had saved for that reason. I really wish I knew what to do. Any advice is appreciated. Um, read the above again. You _DO_ know what to do. The sooner you get out the better, and the less heartache you will have to endure. I feel for you, I do. But really, there was nothing particularly positive in anything you wrote. Only blazing red flags.
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