sancho2000 Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 I have a feeling this might be long and disjointed, but I'll try my best to keep it succinct. I'm 34 years old, and it's almost been two years since I started dating this girl, we'll call her "N". I remember being really into her from the very beginning, but I tried to take it as slow as possible, as I had gone through a depressing divorce about a year before I met her. I've been slower than her in all aspects of our relationship--she told me she loved me first and got upset that I didn't tell her I loved her immediately (damn you St. Valentine!!!). She wants to move on to the "next step" (she is 30) and at least move in with me. What she really wants is to get married, and I face constant reminders to that fact. The fact is I think I do love her, but I'm not ready to get married again just yet. But when I honestly think about it, I don't know when I will be ready or if I will ever be ready. I feel so guilty because if I decide later that I don't want to marry her, I will have wasted her best chance at happiness. I also tend to find reasons that she is not compatible with me long term, but I don't know if this is just the commitmentphobe in me talking. I know people say that when you find "the one then you will know" but after reading "He's Scared, She's Scared" I think that people that are afraid of commitment find excuses why no one is "the" one. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope--I had a dream last night that she was engaged to someone else, and while it made me sad that I would lose her, I was at least happy that she was getting what she wanted, which is getting married. She tells me that she doesn't just want to get married but that she wants to marry me, but her dad ran a wedding dress shop when she was growing up, and she tends to watch shows where everyone is getting married, swoons over pictures of rings in magazines, etc...it doesn't help that that is all around us all the time. I have just started counseling for my possible committmentphobia, but I really don't know what to do next. I feel like my only choices are to break it off or propose...
Lezbean Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 I think it's great that you are going to counseling to address your commitment phobia. I also think that it's great that she says she wants to be married to YOU and not to just get married for the sake of getting married. If you see a future with this woman and can see yourself married to her at some point, I would suggest you talk to her about your concerns and ask her to revisit the subject in 6 months. That way it will take the pressure off both of you. She won't feel rejected and you will have more time to work through your fears. Good luck to you!
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