Brioli Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]ok, I will try and keep this as short and sweet as possible (please forgive any typos; I am typing this quick..I have a PHD...so don't get the wrong idea..lol). I have been dating this guy for a year. We have fabulous sex all the time...at least daily...and are still very much into each other. He is very good to me, and I love him dearly.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He has always been very considerate of my feelings, and does so many things to make me happy. He probably does more then I do for him....[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The other night, I had been having trouble sleeping for about 4 nights in a row. We decided to go out for awhile (4th of July), and I told him I hope he wouldn't be disappointed if I ended up falling asleep later because I was, in fact, exhausted. I told him I would try not to, and he basically said ok.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Fast forward....It's like midnight and we are at his house a bit tipsy....We are dancing around the room nakid haha...the next thing I know...I am waking up to him masturbating to F on F porn at his computer (which is in the bedroom). Now, he and I have watched some porn together, and I like it too...but we had a discussion awhile back where I stated I wasn't too comfortable with him watching it without me or not making me a part of it. The reason is that it makes me feel like I am being mentally cheated on (almost like cyber without the other person being able to talk to you). I know that when men watch porn alone they are picturing themselves in the middle of those women, and to me that is like cheating in your mind. I told him in the past I would love to watch him masturbate, but he has never done this in front of me. Anytime we have watched porn...his focus has been on me and the porn. I haven't ever got the sensation that it wasn't about me like I did this time.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Needless to say I got a bit upset, but was having difficulty explaining why I was upset because I was half asleep.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]The reasons I got upset are number 1 = he had it turned up so loud, and didn't seem to care that I was sleeping. It woke me up when I haven't had good sleep in a few nights due to some medicine I am taking to quit smoking. It was very inconsiderate.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]2.= Because he was getting off to, two women on the computer screen, and I felt offended. I also felt like he didn't expect me to wake up or something. It was somewhat secretive.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]3= Because it upset me so bad that I cried...honestly though, I am 95% sure he heard me, but I was trying to keep quiet about it that is why I say I was 95% sure. OH, and he did turn the volume down since it was keeping me from sleeping...all the way down....[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]but....I could still here the lotion he was using making sucky sounds until he ejaculated which he didn't remain quiet about either (and I know he is capable of this because he has needed to be quiet before).[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]4= Because I had discussed with him before how much it would bother me if he was to watch porn alone. I am a very attractive women 5'7 115 pds. I feel I am very sexual in bed, and like I said before we have an excellent sex life. I am 31-years-old, but look fantastic for my age...which I am truly thankful. I have people tell me that I look 24. ( I hope this doesn't sound conceited, but I felt it was relevant).[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I want to point out that I thought it was a possiblity that he did it to turn me on. This would seem very likely considering our history and sexual escapades.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]But...this quickly got ruled out, due to his attitude and reaction on that night. I won't go into to detail, because it would be to much typing. Just suffice it to say it did.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]It disturbed me so much that I sat up, got my stuff together, and left without a word. I do honestly believe he knew I was crying...and I can't for the life of me understand how he could continue masturbating while I was so upset. This is completely out of character for him. He is usually a very compassionate and loving human being.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I all-of-the sudden feel like I don't know him anymore, and I haven't talked to him in 4 days.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He has not tried to call me, but has sent messages to me through Yahoo saying, "he hopes I sleep well" and that is it.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He hasn't said, "call me we need to talk, I'm sorry if I did something to upset you can we please talk about it","I miss you or I love you"....[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He usually does this when we have an argument. He will try to talk with me about it, and we usually are capable of resolving it. It is very rare that we have arguments. Mostly we only argue about his driving....lol![/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Anyways, I love this man...I want to understand why this happened. I want him to feel satisfied, but I don't like the fact he desires other women sexually, even if it’s just fantasy. I don't desire other men, and when I masturbate I think of him.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]And let me add too....It would not have bothered me at all if he had been doing it without watching the porn. I mean I was tired and I couldn't satisfy him, so that is no big deal..It just upsets me because...well first...Why couldn't he wait until the morning? We have done that many times before.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]It just made my stomach flip to here him moaning and watching two women getting it on, on his computer. I mean he might as well been having sex with them for real on the floor in front of me.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Anyways...been crying for days....I don't know how to handle this which is why I haven't called him.[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Thank you anyone that can help me....[/sIZE][/FONT] [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]*BRI[/FONT][/sIZE]
jcster Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 I want to understand why this happened. I want him to feel satisfied, but I don't like the fact he desires other women sexually, even if it’s just fantasy. I don't desire other men, and when I masturbate I think of him. I can understand why you're upset - especially by what you wrote in your post above. But... sexuality is a tricky thing. There's nothing wrong with expecting physical fidelity from your S.O., but you can't extend that to their fantasy life. There have been a number of posts here about men and their views on porn, so I'll let you travel around the site and read those. What's important is that you understand that masturbating to porn, or to fantasies about other women is not abnormal and it's not cheating. Like you said, you have a great sex life - he's not replacing you with porn. It's not, as you said, like he's having sex with those women on the floor in front of you...it's just not. I think that he's not talking to you about it because he doesn't want to have to defend himself for doing what comes naturally to men - getting visual stimulation while they masturbate. You will have to initiate this conversation, but you really should read up on it first and work on getting ok with it - because there is no way that you can control another persons thoughts.
JamesM Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 I know that when men watch porn alone they are picturing themselves in the middle of those women, and to me that is like cheating in your mind. Personally, I have to disagree with this...and keep reading, I don't condone what he did at all...I think many men watch women/women because two women together is exciting. The watching is more enjoyable than being in a threesome. The other night, I had been having trouble sleeping for about 4 nights in a row. We decided to go out for awhile (4th of July), and I told him I hope he wouldn't be disappointed if I ended up falling asleep later because I was, in fact, exhausted. I told him I would try not to, and he basically said ok. The part that is inconsiderate is that he used porn knowing you did not approve...in front of you, knowing that you needed sleep. I can understand (not necessarily condone) that he felt he needed to masturbate after an "uplifting" evening with you, but for him to sit next to you with the volume up and making so many noises doesn't seem considerate. In fact, it seems kind of strange. I wonder, too, if he was trying to get you into having sex. If so, this was a strange way. 2.= Because he was getting off to, two women on the computer screen, and I felt offended. I also felt like he didn't expect me to wake up or something. It was somewhat secretive. I disagree respectfully. As a guy, I think I would have turned off the volume or put on headphones...or even turned on some music quietly if I wanted you to not know. But here he turns up the volume, sits next to you, and masturbates noisily. No, I think he expected you to wake up...or did not care if you woke up. This can be for a few reason....he felt that you would not mind (Are you sure he never mentioned anything prior to you going to sleep?), he thought as men do when THEY get excited, that you would get excited while watching two women. Then you would come after him. Or he simply did not care about your feelings one way or another because he was mad that you feel asleep before having sex with him. In other words, you teased him to excitement, but you would not finish. 4= Because I had discussed with him before how much it would bother me if he was to watch porn alone. I am a very attractive women 5'7 115 pds. I feel I am very sexual in bed, and like I said before we have an excellent sex life. I am 31-years-old, but look fantastic for my age...which I am truly thankful. I have people tell me that I look 24. ( I hope this doesn't sound conceited, but I felt it was relevant). Your feelings are relevant here...not your looks. He is in love with you and your body. It does not matter what you look like to us. He made a choice based on his attraction for you. My wife does not fit your profile, but I think she is beautiful. I should be considerate for her feelings based on my attraction for her and my love for her...not what her looks are. I assume that you feel that because you DO look good, he should not feel the need to watch porn. I am willing to guess that he like most men will tell you that porn is NOT about you...it is about him getting a climax. I want to point out that I thought it was a possibility that he did it to turn me on. This would seem very likely considering our history and sexual escapades. If you have been with women, then yes, that is a very distinct possibility. And he may have hinted to you that he was going to watch porn. Or he may have felt that if you woke up, you may get turned on...based on past history. But he )like many of us) has discovered that his feelings are not necessarily your feelings, and his reasoning may not even be close to yours. I all-of-the sudden feel like I don't know him anymore, and I haven't talked to him in 4 days. I think you do still know him, but there is something that you found out that was previously unknown to you. BTW, when we are married, many times we discover things good and bad that make us wonder if we know our spouse. This does not mean that we suddenly lose our love for them..based on being hurt or surprised. This becomes an issue we need to work through. However, in your case...you have only known him for a year...and as a man who has been married for almost 18 years, you really do not know him at all yet. Anyways, I love this man...I want to understand why this happened. I want him to feel satisfied, but I don't like the fact he desires other women sexually, even if it’s just fantasy. I don't desire other men, and when I masturbate I think of him. Men and women are different this way. Women think of sex AND love, while men (when masturbating) are "capable" of separating the love from the sex. Yet when they love someone, sex becomes an affirmation of that love. With you, I highly doubt he thinks of anyone else. When he masturbates, he "needs" something to look at when masturbating. I am guessing that if he had "porn" of you, he would use that. Visualizing in his mind doesn't work as well. It just made my stomach flip to here him moaning and watching two women getting it on, on his computer. I mean he might as well been having sex with them for real on the floor in front of me. No, he probably just enjoyed watching THEM do it together. I doubt he wanted them to involve him. Besides, remember, he probably expected you to wake up and join HIM...not them. Anyways...been crying for days....I don't know how to handle this which is why I haven't called him. I think you do know how to handle this. Do you want to continue the relationship with him? Then a long talk between the two of you is necessary. Feelings spoken and solutions reached...this will build your relationship. If you cannot get past this (you personally), then you can not continue with him.
Author Brioli Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 I just want to say thank you to all of you for your wonderful insight. I think I understand a bit more now then I did. Thank you *Bri
norajane Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Fast forward....It's like midnight and we are at his house a bit tipsy....We are dancing around the room nakid haha...the next thing I know...I am waking up to him masturbating to F on F porn at his computer (which is in the bedroom). To me, it sounds like you got him all hot and bothered, then you passed out. So he went for the quick release via porn. And he probably figured you were passed out so you wouldn't wake up if a tank went through the room, so he didn't worry about the sound. You can take it personally and create tension in your otherwise good relationship, or you can accept that, like most men, your bf uses porn to masturbate and probably has his whole life (long before he met you)...meaning it's no reflection on you. Many men equate masturbation and porn - they don't masturbate without it because that's how they've been doing it since they first realized what masturbating is. So if a woman tells them no porn or else, men take it to mean that they don't want them masturbating...which they're never going to stop doing, so then they hide their porn use. Do a search on "porn" here on LS. You'll get a ton of threads with differing views on the subject, and some good insights from both men and women.
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