Lost_in_TN Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 The last time I posted a thread about "getting better" I ended up being informed of things I'd have rather not heard, and it set me back a little. So hopefully that won't happen this time around. I am slowly but surely getting my life back, and yes there are still times that I feel the void of not having "someone", but there are also times that I am pretty content. I commented to a friend earlier and said, at least I am not living in a house full of tension now. Though I know it may sound funny because I am the only one living there. The fact remains though, that the tension is gone. I can't say enough about staying as busy as you can. It does help, and it doesn't mean you are ignoring what is going on. It just shifts your focus for a while and gives your mind and heart a break from it. There have been times when I had to reach down deep just to find the energy to get out of bed. You can't wallow in sorrow forever. I am still adjusting as I am sure most of you are, but day by day things seem to get better. That is all I can ask for, because it could be the exact opposite if I let it be. No contact is the golden rule of golden rules. There are various forms of contact other than direct contact with your ex. For instance I have found that if a close friend of your ex starts blabbing to you with info about your ex and their new life, it's almost as bad as talking with the ex themselves. It's just something else that can potentially hurt you and delay your progress. For me, when concerning the ex, ignorance is bliss. Though we work at the same place, and I do see her every morning, and sometimes throughout the day, I just ignore her. Life does go on, and it does get better people. I am trying hard to learn from my mistakes this time around. I didn't instantly start hitting the clubs and partying hard all night. (though there were a couple nights I did drink entirely too much,...bad idea) But mostly I soaked it all in and accepted what was happening. Life as I had knew it was over, and that chapter was finished. It sounds so simple, but it hurts like hell when you realize that. So now I look to the future with hopes of a better life that isn't filled with tension, stress, or a lot of drama. I'm taking care of myself, and my son. This has been a tough lesson to learn, but I think it will ultimately force me to make wiser decisions in the future. To all who are down and out.... hold your head up and hang in there. It's going to get better for you, but you have to work at it.
sumdude Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 The phrase "Out of sight, out of mind" means a lot in this... It's pretty tough when you have to deal with them in any way. Even still I at almost six months I get those occasional pangs of loss or anger. A phone msg or txt can get those feelings back on the surface. I realize I've had it fairly easy in that respect ... my STBX moved 40 miles away, we have no children and almost no common freinds anymore. In fact i guess it may have been part of her plan to cut all contact with those we both knew to make it easier for her.. maybe for me too. Those who have been left and have to see exes regularly because of children and other reasons I feel for. The next time I'll have to deal with her will be to set up and go file the divorce papers. Just knowing that's coming up soon raises my tension levels... but it has to be done. Carry on, stay strong and positive..
Author Lost_in_TN Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 Speaking of your ex cutting contact with friends so it'd make it easier for her, and you, is probably true. My ex won't even make eye contact with any of my close friends. She for sure won't make eye contact with me, nor will her new boyfriend. Though I'd never engage in a conversation with either of them, I have no problem looking them in the eye, but as soon as eye contact is made they look away. I don't know if it is fear, shame, or guilt. Maybe all of the above, but I'll be damned if I am going to walk around looking at my feet. I didn't do anything shady or underhanded, so there is no shame in my game, and no need for me to walk around with my head hung low. It is tough to see her though, and I am sure most would understand that. Some days I get lucky and don't see her, but most days I do. It's just something that I have to deal with on a day by day basis. At first it was BRUTAL, and I didn't think I could handle it. But I can and I will........ You are right about a phone or text message bringing feelings back to the surface. It takes very little to throw you for a loop when you are still vulnerable. I heard my ex with a group of people she works with last week. They were in the break area and she was laughing as they were all cutting up. For some reason it bothered me a bit, but then I let it go and told myself that I really hope she is happy, even if it is only for the time being. We weren't right for each other, I won't dispute that. I just wish the breakup could have been a lot different, but that just isn't her style. When it comes time for you to do the divorce papers just stay strong and keep your guard up SD. You too are beginning a new chapter in life. Make the most out of it you can. THINK POSITIVE!!!!
Author Lost_in_TN Posted July 10, 2007 Author Posted July 10, 2007 There has to be something cosmic going on that I don't understand. The 2 times a post a thread about moving on and getting better something jumps up and kicks me in the face. It's crazy I tell you. The ex, who has only been officially gone a month today is now officially engaged. Unbelievable..............
hope4best Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 Wow, I am so sorry. Just keep looking ahead and stay strong.
riobikini Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 re: LostInTn: "There has to be something cosmic going on that I don't understand. The ex, who has only been officially gone a month today is now officially engaged. crazy....unbelievable..... (Smile) Good to see someone from Tennessee in the boards. And sorry for your heartache. As for your statement above -be glad that you don't understand it because I think you pegged it when you wrote, "unbelievable". It *is* unbelieveable -and her behavior *is* crazy. Thank your lucky stars that you are not the poor unfortunate guy who's up next for heartbreak. She might be engaged -but she sure doesn't sound like she's too plugged in. (Smile) I think you may have dodged a bullet without actually realizing it. Get on with your life -that's cosmic enough. -Rio
Author Lost_in_TN Posted July 10, 2007 Author Posted July 10, 2007 Thanks for the support, I do appreciate it a lot. I do realize that I have definitely dodged a bullet, and am thankful the she and I didn't have any children. She has proven over and over again that she will make bad decision on top of bad decision. My heart wasn't anywhere close to the first one she has broken, and I fear it won't be the last. She's not very "plugged in" and as long as she continues to jump from one thing to the other, and never ever get around to working on herself, I figure that she will eventually alway find herself in a mess. The things that she has done recently, and throughout our relationship only prove even more that she isn't for me. Not even close actually.
shrtsassyT Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 I commend you for your progress towards a better you beyond the divorce. I have been separated for 5 months and I filed for divorce in April 2007. It was the toughest, yet easiest decision I ever made. As for the ex and contact with them, mine likes to "stalk" me by going to our neighbors house all the time. He says he is there just to talk to them, but I know better. Every Sunday I can depend on him "visiting" them, although I know it is because he thinks he's going to catch me with a man from Saturday night. Whatever...I am way too old and mature for a one night stand or a quickie....It has only been 5 months after all. He moved on quickly, I did not. Course now that I have refocused my energy and its not on him he's upset and has tried to get back together with me, but I'm not having it. I like my peace and solitude now and he has no part in my life. Sucks to be him. Like all of you, I try to stay busy but there are times that the quiet gets to me and I have to refocus my thoughts to get through the day. I think that time will heal all of this for me, but until the day goes by that I can just forget I am going through it, I just continue to forge on ahead with my life. Do you any of you have any strategies on how to rid yourself of the guilt of divorce? This is my second divorce and I can't help but feel like a failure at times, particularly where my kids are concerned.
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