jusified Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Hi everyone, I'm a 22 year old male and my 1st girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me at the end of last year (so it's been nearly 8-9month). Having the time to myself has been good, I have realised what I want in a girl and appreciate the person I am alot more. I've been working hard trying to better my career (professional) and enjoy doing alot of sports and hobbies on the side. But the long hours in the office along with the fact most of my mates are coupled off makes me feel very lonely sometimes, I don't get a chance to talk to them often. I don't have any siblings or relatives around other then my parents, who are good but well not the same. I am very happy to be single untill I meet the right person but I guess my question to everyone is. Can anyone give me insight to if they've had this stage of their life and how long it lasted, how everythig turns out. Cause atm, I feel like I will not ever meet the type of girl I want to be with (nice, supportive, mature, understanding).
underpants Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Hi there Jusified, I have no idea what wisdom those letters above are supposed to give you? I have followed your story. I am actually the guest that told you not to worry because you have a whole life time of drama in front of you. It sucks to see all your mates coupled off and you are left wondering when the universe might send you somebody. I appauld you for healing alone to make sure you didn't just jump into a relationship carrying baggage over from a previous one. Now it seems like you are open to a new relationship and dating so I don't think you will wait much longer. That is just my feeling, but my feelings are usually right. You are young and I hope you are not only preparing for your future through work, but engaging in activities and/or clubs and organizations that might put you in a social situation to meet women. Sounds like it might be time to seek out a little (healthy) drama. Go get em, tiger. Regards, Unders
electric_sheep Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Pardon me for bursting out laughing. I have most definitely been through a similiar period in my life... many times. The most recent was called "graduate school". Here's the thing... the old standard line of advice that "you'll meet someone when you're not looking" is, in general, complete B.S. It falls into the category of meaningless "feel good" advice. If you want to meet someone special, you have to put the effort in. First you have to create situations where you CAN meet people... then you have to be forward enough to ask them out and/or get their number... then you have to actually go out with them (I know, this is starting to sound like a pain in the butt!)... etc... If you are busy with work or school this can seem like a lot. There may be the tempation to try and compartmentalize your life, and put looking around for a mate on hold. I wouldn't recommend it. I think it's rare that compartmentalizing like this makes people happy. Life should be balanced (Of course, if you are Beethoven and working on the 9th, or Einstein and working on the Gen. Theory of Relativity, then maybe go ahead and finish up first). I could probably write an entire book on lonliness. I'm talking about the kind of lonliness where the most meaningful conversation you've had in 3 weeks is with the barista at Starbucks. This kind of lonliness can f*ck with your head eventually. One of the dangers of being alone for too long is you may unconsciously just "give up". This happened to me in graduate school. This beautiful new grad. student started talking to me in the hall all the time, asking me for advice, etc... She was hot AND intelligent AND creative and hip and cool. After 3 or 4 weeks of this, I didn't see her as much, then I found out she was dating another grad. student (who, at the risk of sounding vane, I don't think was anywhere near as smart, funny, or attractive as myself). I could have shot myself. It had been so long since I had thought about dating it's like I had forgotten I had a d*ck. Anyway, in summary, relationships (romantic or otherwise) are like everything else in life... they require time and effort. I'm convinced they are worth it.
Author jusified Posted July 10, 2007 Author Posted July 10, 2007 Hahaha, sigh, see how things go I suppose. I would ask a girl out if I had a connection and shes the type of girl I like. To date I still yet to meet one. Underpants, I actually kept a document of my thoughts through the first few month, so you know, your post was probably the only one I copied and pasted in there. Feels like I will never meet that special girl. Anyone got more experiences or advise??
confusedandempty Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 I know too much what you're talking about ... My group of best friends consists of 6 guys including myself. Three of them are having babies later this summer. One of my friends is in a brand new relationship so he's quite busy with his gf every evening. The fifth is an airline pilot and spends most of his time at 30.000 ft. over the Atlantic. This leaves me - basically 100% solo these days. I wake up every morning - go the the work I hate. Go the gym after work and spend the evening in front of the TV. So I guess that there is nobody on LS who knows your situation better than me I've been trying to do stuff for the past months. I joined some summer courses in my university - just to use dead time to gain some credits and mostly just to be around people. This turned out a mistake, as the courses consisted mainly of people older than 35. Well - at least I got my credits. I have learned a valuable lesson about my self for the past year we've been broken up. I know a lot better what I'm looking for in a relationship and I hope you have too. Just hang in there, socialize and everything will eventually go great. I know it's not a great advice - but there is nothing you can do. If you don't meet people - you will continue to be single. And that's what I've been realizing for the past months. Take care!
Author jusified Posted July 10, 2007 Author Posted July 10, 2007 Hahaha, sounds very much like me at the moment. It doesn't make me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnle confused&emp. Not hearing what I want!!!! I know that not hearing what you like to hear is probably for the best. But one thing is for sure, I definately know what I want in a girl friend and a potential wife/mother of my kids. Unfortunately that girl seem to be non existant at the moment.
JulieJ Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 If all of your friends are coupled off, see if any of their girlfriends have friends that you might hit it off with. You have to go out there and look.
electric_sheep Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 I wake up every morning - go the the work I hate. Go the gym after work and spend the evening in front of the TV. You just described my life! Seriously. Fortunately, I managed to meet a nice girl via an internet dating site, so now I go to the gym and watch TV with her. Though hardly ideal, the internet isn't a bad option for people who are really busy. I think it's possible to meet interesting people anywhere... the library, school, work, a bar, church, and, of course, the internet. I consider myself interesting, and I've "hung out" in all of these places at one time or another.
underpants Posted July 10, 2007 Posted July 10, 2007 I will just add one thing. Jusified, you are young. I know you want to find the "one". However, don't be afraid to date around. You don't have to sleep with them, but be open to genuinely making friends with women. It can be fun to hang out with the girls. I guess, what I am saying is that if you put conditions that any girl you contimplate going on a date with must have certain qualities or meet conditions upfront then you are already limiting yourself. Also, girls can sense this and it could add pressure to what should be a super fun time in your life. I can only speak for myself but when I was 22 getting married or starting a family was the last thing on my mind. Part of developing a relationship that is "the one" is by being able to mesh with someone and in order to mesh, you need to spend time and well, just see. Don't take it too seriously and you might just surprize yourself. Regards, Unders
Author jusified Posted July 11, 2007 Author Posted July 11, 2007 It all seem so hard and impossible sometimes. So many people seem to go through this patch and not many posters can give me some light at the end of the tunnle But there is good advise so thank you. I guess we are in a kind of break up forum so lot of sad broken up people here LOL. so good lovey stories would really bright up my some what boring and lonely day.
underpants Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Well, being single can just suck sometimes. That doesn't change with age. So sorry dude. There are some good things to being single however. I even think there was a thread or two on this not too long ago. I don't have a story but I have an observation. I know a set early 20's twins, always interesting with twins for some reason. One is kind of punkish, not too responsible, gets by with his good looks and always has a different girlfriend. He think this makes him a stud. The other is on full scholarship in one of the top universities and is focused on his studies. He might not have a girlfriend now, but in the future I have no doubt he will have his choice of quality ladies. I think twin number 2 is going to have the last laugh when it comes to a happily ever after. Have you asked friends or family if they know anyone who they would consider setting you up with? I recently did this and it resulted in like 7 guys for me to consider. At least in those few months I was not bored. I did not sleep with any of them, but I did get to know them and it helped my self esteem to realize that there really are other fish in the sea. One in particuliar was not a match for me but I set him up with another single friend of mine and they wound up dating for a while. Network baby. I am still holding out for my "one" so I guess we are in the same boat or tunnel or whatever. You seem like a good person and when you put yourself out there I am sure the ladies will be knocking on your door. There is always a way out of the tunnel, it starts with you. Do something today about this. Ask a girl out, even if she says no. Ask a friend if they know someone or if their girlfriend might have a friend that they would set you up with. As TBF once said to me.....You have to put your I'm available and a great catch sign out. Jusified....Open for business. Go get em. Unders
oppath Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Yeah, I'd have to agree about the graduate school thing being difficult for dating. It is for many reasons. Having taken a leave of absence in the real world, I've met many more people my age having a real job than I have in 4 years pursuing my phd, and I make $80k/yr vs $20k. The point is, what you are doing with your life matters, and you do have to make dating an effort. Will you find someone when you least expect it? Yes. But only IF you put yourself out there and take enough risks that when someone amazing intersects your life, you are able to take advantage of the opportunity. Being lonely sucks, and the thing I realize is I need to foster other relationships too. Doing this I will likely meet women! I have dated around and would say most of my learning has to do with myself and what my boundaries are, but I agree that some people will have their pick of the litter later in life. That kind of sucks though, because you miss out on sex, and it is uncomfortable because you think all of the good looking, interesting women are taken. Well, they are not, and honestly, your match might be someone who has been divorced twice! So I agree, date around casually if you have the time.
Author jusified Posted July 12, 2007 Author Posted July 12, 2007 thanks underpants, your words are very helpful again. Will put out those signs and just cheer up. It's kind of also hurtful recently cos ex came back from over seas and we wrote emails but I really don't want to continue conversation cos its hurtful and its not like she says she feels bad and regret some things but still glad to do what she did. She knows I was an awesome boyfriend and regret not saying love me enough but yet she went out to drinks with some other guy days after breaking upwith me and has since travel Europe with this person and is now spending alot of time together. Some girls, I know I'm better off and she doesn't deserve me, but I kind of feel like I'm alone atm, I guess when I find the right person I feel like life have treated me unfairly. But I guess it will all balance out if I just stay ositive and be happy. I wonder how TBF is, and what she has to say about all this. OP, I really hope the perfect girl for me will be in my life soon (as I really want a fun person to go travel the world with), but I don't think a divorcee will be the right one hahaha.
LoveLace Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Oh you are so young! I broke up with my last serious boyfriend at 19, and I am 30 now, I haven't been that serious with anyone since. I've dated a whole lot, of course, but nothing serious. If it were up to me it wouldn't have been that way but it has, life happens the way it's supposed to happen. And I was just like you, I was very happy to be "free" for a while but all I did at the same time was wonder when the lonliness would end! And here I am, still going from one dead-end thing to the next, but actually at my age there is a lot more time of silence in between guys...because most of my peers are definitely married by now. Just have fun and date around a while without intentions of getting serious, and eventually one will just come to mean more to you than others.
Author jusified Posted July 13, 2007 Author Posted July 13, 2007 LL.... wow 30 hahaha, is it that you just never truely like guys you've dated? Just in a bad mood cause of the ex and things she said. Stirs up negative emotions and wonder about my future. Hey Under, you remember Tormented? I wonder how she is doing, she hasn't been on for ages. Must be to excited and busy with new love in her life.
underpants Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 LL.... wow 30 hahaha, is it that you just never truely like guys you've dated? Just in a bad mood cause of the ex and things she said. Stirs up negative emotions and wonder about my future. Hey Under, you remember Tormented? I wonder how she is doing, she hasn't been on for ages. Must be to excited and busy with new love in her life. How could I forget Tor? I think you, Tor and I all jumped into the LS lifeboat at about the same time. She has posted a little here and there. The last one she posted was sad as it dealt with a co workers suicide. She is a true sage, it just comes through in her posts. She is still around.
Trialbyfire Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 Hey jusified, you haven't been around for awhile. Nice to see you back. Sounds like you've been busy with work and trying to get things together in your life. Get that sign out stat!! Look ladies, I'm here for your taking. It sounds like you're in a place in life, maturity-wise, where the girls your age haven't caught up. Have you considered targeting girls that are 5 years older? A five year spread isn't a whole lot if you're the type of guy who wants a long-term relationship and is looking to settle down. Let your ex go. If she still has the power to hurt you, it's time to stop all contact. If she calls, ignore it or better yet, don't be afraid to be abrupt so she gets the message. I know this isn't you but sometimes you have put your foot down for your own personal well-being. Get out there and start flirting. Sometimes it takes awhile for someone to grow on you. I tend to be that way where it takes forever for someone to be of interest...well, apparently not always and I'll leave it at that.
LoveLace Posted July 13, 2007 Posted July 13, 2007 LL.... wow 30 hahaha, is it that you just never truely like guys you've dated? Just in a bad mood cause of the ex and things she said. Stirs up negative emotions and wonder about my future. Hey Under, you remember Tormented? I wonder how she is doing, she hasn't been on for ages. Must be to excited and busy with new love in her life. I guess 30 sounds old to you...it's not uncommon for my age to still be single, it's also not uncommon for my age to already be divorced, even. There is all kinds of reasons for it, but mainly I just haven't found the right one yet. I figure if any of them were meant to be, they'd still be here. I admit I've been picky and there have been a couple I probably should have stuck with; but for the most part I've ended up with a lot of jerks, so since I discovered that early on enough it never got serious. That, or I really liked a guy, but he wasn't ready to settle or whatever...and at my age I don't waste time with guys that make it clear they don't want to get serious. Having fun is ok in the mean time but it can also still lead to disappointment, so I just try not to bother with those who "just want to have fun"...these are usually men who are either recently divorced, or just feel they are still young to committ... Don't use your age as an excuse to feel obligated to settle down with someone. Cuz then that's exactly what your doing, is just "settling", and down the road you might wish you didn't put yourself in such a hurry just because you want to be like your friends.
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