I keep screwing up...

[SweetOlive]

Oh my god!! I cant believe this! Im so mad at myself... My ex is an a55!

Anyway today I come to find out he wants to go out with my friends' cousin. Funny thing is that he doesn't know I know the girl he wants to hook up with... Yep, im heart broken. I wanted to cry but no tears came out! I don't feel as bad as the first time I came to find out he was trying to get with other women. The beauty myspace does. I promise myself to give up looking at his myspace for good. Well, from now on, he wanted to talk to me tonight but obviously that didn't happen. Ouch!!

Yeah he's my ex and I shouldn't care who he wants to hook up with but the crappy part is that "he wants things to work out between us"... Fell for that stupid line again. My heart aches and I have no idea how to cure it. But I see how I bring it on to myself by not maintaining NC.

I need to be strong and I need to see that he isn't right for me not now and not ever. As much as I want to see the good in him I cant. He has cheated, lied continuously and broken my heart time and time again. I hope life gives him what he deserves.

Any song and thought about him, always brings me back to that feeling of anxiety and heart ache. Right now I hope he calls but he never will.

I have so much going for me right now that I don't want to stop every moment of the day and think about the guy I love and how much he burned me.

I took off his number, and maybe I should get a new number again because I don't want him to contact me. But why the hell should I give him that power over me? (i shouldn't change my number because of him)

This is just my rant, he treated me horribly and I took him back, he cheated on me with I don't know how many people and I took him back, I have him the chance to tell me the truth about the lies he told me and he still lied, he said he loved me and I was his world but I never was. I never felt good enough for a guy that isn't greatest looking guy. It feels like he tortured me, took me through hell and back. I felt I was his back up whenever he was lonely or had nothing better to do. But no matter how crappy he treated me I was always there for him no matter what. But he chose to treat me this way. He decided that I was his door mat.

Not anymore, I want to hate him for every thing he has done, I want to tell everyone he knows how much of a jerk he is but I wont. Because I still respect myself and know that talking trash about him wouldn't heal me but hurt me even more so. I want to be able to stop loving and not give one iota about him. To leave him in my past but I cant. I want him to find this site and see how much he's hurt me. But as always Im the one who will be blamed for everything. Does anyone feel this way? Can anyone help me out here? Thanks.

[funkybassplayer]

To get over him, you have to go into strict no contact starting now, no myspace, yes get a new number, get rid of him. He will drag you down, and wull contact you for his selfish self then drop you again. U will never heal if you dont get rid of this jerk. Dont even give him the satisfaction of saying how peed off you are, he lap it up. If anything text iv moved on and dont contact again.

[kittensmittens]

Olive, I know how you feel. My ex did not cheat (at least, as far as I know), but he lied about so many little things. The first lie I caught him in (and I only found out because his mom gave me the "real" story, which was ALSO a lie......the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I guess?) he got very VERY angry at me for asking why he had lied. I didn't understand b/c it was it was a lie about unnecessary information that he volunteered. And there were many like that. When I started catching his lies after that, he would only deny and lie some more, then turn the guilt and blame on me. He turned it around one final time by dumping me when I probably should have just dumped him. Then right after (or possibly before) we broke up, he slept with another girl. He has left me feeling completely incapable of trusting ANYONE at this point and he has completely demolished my heart. I also wish he could know how deeply he has affected me, but he'll just continue to deny (probably even to himself) and he might just take comfort in knowing he hurt me by sleeping with her.

 

I still feel like I know him, but I don't. I still love him, but I don't know who it is I'm still loving. I still blame myself. I wonder if I made it too difficult for him to be honest w/ me, if maybe he was just trying to give me what he thought I wanted, if I deserve all this, etc......so in a way I wish he HAD cheated. Then I could put all of the blame on him and walk away KNOWING I'm a good person and I didn't do anything to cause this. I know it doesn't help the hurt of losing someone you still love, but maybe just holding onto the fact that you can say without any doubt that you ARE a good person and you had NOTHING to do with his choice of actions might help you move through this....

 

It's funny (although not really).....Even his actions often didn't jive with his prescribed ideals. Ex: He smokes and is just SO disgusted by other smokers who smoke in crowds of people. Yet, whenever I'm out of the picture, he smokes in the apartment with his 2 indoor cats. And he's a vegetarian. I could give you plenty more expamples.....or you could just spend that time reading an entire set of encyclopedias and actually gain something constructive. I'm just trying to hold onto these kinds of examples in order to let go of the illusion and stop blaming myself for creating it.....

[Bree]

I know exactly what your going through and I hope it gets better for the both of us.......

[SweetOlive]

To get over him, you have to go into strict no contact starting now, no myspace, yes get a new number, get rid of him. He will drag you down, and wull contact you for his selfish self then drop you again. U will never heal if you dont get rid of this jerk. Dont even give him the satisfaction of saying how peed off you are, he lap it up. If anything text iv moved on and dont contact again.

 

I thought about sending him a text but I wont, I've done this before. I've sent the whole "I'm done with you " msg, as a result come the arguements through texting and then that ends in a call where we try to work things out again. Maybe he'll get the picture. I just know I dont want him in my life anymore.

Sadly to say I checked his myspace this morning... it will only happen this one time, I hope.

[funkybassplayer]

Sadly to say I checked his myspace this morning... it will only happen this one time, I hope. quote

 

Please try not too, dont hurt yourself any more.

[SweetOlive]

I still feel like I know him, but I don't. I still love him, but I don't know who it is I'm still loving. I still blame myself. I wonder if I made it too difficult for him to be honest w/ me, if maybe he was just trying to give me what he thought I wanted, if I deserve all this, etc......so in a way I wish he HAD cheated. Then I could put all of the blame on him and walk away KNOWING I'm a good person and I didn't do anything to cause this. I know it doesn't help the hurt of losing someone you still love, but maybe just holding onto the fact that you can say without any doubt that you ARE a good person and you had NOTHING to do with his choice of actions might help you move through this....

 

Something I've learned in the past 4 yrs is that I cant blame myself for every little thing he has done to me. I use to think to myself that if I was an "almost perfect " gf he wouldn't hurt me deliberately. He still did. I see now that I cant make him be "good" for me. He chooses to do what he wants and if he has no remorse over the cheating and the lies he gave me why should I be guilty of things I DIDN'T do.

 

My favorite lie of his was this past weekend:

" My mom got sick and was in the hospital and I was with her all night and day"... Really, so how come I saw a msg stating from his friend " he had so much fun with him" from that same night he claimed his mom was in the hospital.

 

so in a way I wish he HAD cheated

 

No you don't, trust me. The first time I saw what he was doing I fell to the floor and cried my eyes out all night. Couldnt function for days...

I hope all gets better for you, it takes time and strength from your side.

[SweetOlive]

 

Please try not too, dont hurt yourself any more.

 

It's just a bad addiction I have to cut off straight. But thanks.

[Chinook]

Sweet Olive, the guys are right. NO contact means absolutely zip..nada..nothing..zero.

• No emails - block his email addresses
  
• No MSN - block & delete his ID
  
• No Yahoo - block & delete his ID
  
• No text messaging - delete his number & call history
  
• No phone calls - see above
  
• No myspace - delete his ID / delete your account
  
• No facebook - see above
  
• No blogs
  
• No community forums
  
• No emailing his friends
  
• No bumping into his Mom
  
• No chatting to his sister/brother/friend/etc
  
• No 'accidentally' bumping into him
  
• No walking by work
  
• No going to the supermarket he uses
  
• Remove ALL his belongings from your place

Really.

 

I know it's harsh and it hurts like a b@st@rd. But the truth is, if you want to get over him. There has to be STRICT no contact. I've paid the price in the last two weeks and had to be walked through the pain here. No contact shouldn't be used as a means of getting your ex back if that's what you want. If there is any chance of reconciliation and that's what you want then modified contact can help. But if you REALLY want to heal and leave him behind, no contact at all is the only way.

[Chinook]

Oh, and don't be harsh on yourself. It's normal in the first few days after a breakup for there to be SOME contact/communication to wrap things up. But after all is said and done, you have to stop. Try not to give in to the urge of it though.

[ruby_gloom]

don't worry about it, olive. just do what you want to do. if you want to obliterate him, do so. if you want to keep contacting him, do so. the end result will be the same, either way.

 

if you keep contacting him, that's fine. in the end, things will either work or you will reach your limit and decide for yourself that you have truly had enough. it's all up to you.

 

hugs to you.

[funkybassplayer]

don't worry about it, olive. just do what you want to do. if you want to obliterate him, do so. if you want to keep contacting him, do so. the end result will be the same, either way.

 

if you keep contacting him, that's fine. in the end, things will either work or you will reach your limit and decide for yourself that you have truly had enough. it's all up to you.

 

hugs to you.

 

 

Thats what i thought too when my ex split from me. I was in contact, omg the pain was unbearable, then i went into no/contact and the pain is all but a small dull ache thats just 5 weeks aftr no contact. She should have let me walk away when i wanted to, i would not have gone through more pain. As said above do whats right for you, but this is the sad trruth.

[Pixie-Minx]

aww babes! trust me i knwo how you feel........they guy treats you like crap and yet you still cant hate him, yu still love him, you still get hurt by him, you wonder why you were not good enough, why he couldnt be happy with you.........truth is you will never be happy with him.

 

im in the same boat right now hurts like hell!

[SweetOlive]

I've paid the price in the last two weeks and had to be walked through the pain here. No contact shouldn't be used as a means of getting your ex back if that's what you want. If there is any chance of reconciliation and that's what you want then modified contact can help.

 

Ive paid the price also, Ive allowed him to be in and out of my life for the past 4yrs. Everytime I iniciate NC I give in with his requests to forgive him and that he really wants to make this work. And each time I go back its harder and harder to trust him, to look at him, just to be with him. As much as I love him I love myself more this time for him to call the shots in my life.

I dont want him back, and its not why I want NC. Ive hit a breaking point where I wont go back to him anymore and learn to see we are over and its time for me to move on.

 

 

 

Nights are the worst, I feel anxious with the desire to text him.

Actually he sent me a text yesterday saying why I didnt call him last night, that he loves me and that he is here for me when I need him. And another txt this morning wanting to know "how his babe was"... I just felt upset. And something came to mind, every time other women reject him he looks for me. He is loving and he acts like nothing happened. To add to this he has never known that I've known about all the other chicks he has tried to get with. Im remaining strong at NC.

[SweetOlive]

don't worry about it, olive. just do what you want to do. if you want to obliterate him, do so. if you want to keep contacting him, do so. the end result will be the same, either way.

 

if you keep contacting him, that's fine. in the end, things will either work or you will reach your limit and decide for yourself that you have truly had enough. it's all up to you.

 

hugs to you.

 

 

Thank you, youre right. Everything I've done always ends up the same. Its excruciating pain, and Im not willing to do it again.

 

Here is to another crappy day...

[ruby_gloom]

try to not feel so bad, olive.

 

i just wrong a long post trying to relate my story onto you, but it sucks.

 

so, i guess it's better if i just tell you to not try to be so sad.

 

you know what saying, "whatever will be, will be"? it's so true. think about that next time you want to contact him. rest assured that if things will work out, they will, meaning that if both you and he, at some point, change your minds and try to focus on the same thing, things will have a way of falling into place, and you will be together again, provided that that's what both you and he want. also keep in mind that the opposite is just as possible.

 

there is never just one way to get to a certain place--remember that.

 

and besides, you're in the west coast. we can always go to the beach and let the ocean wash out worries away.