Lauriebell82 Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Man, same old thing that happened yet again. My bf and I have been doing real great. We have been together almost 11 months and get along real well..we are very compatible. The only problem that we seem to have repeatedly is that he gets really pissed off when i overreact at something or become overly emotional. Case in point: We were playing tennis today. I wasn't sure about one of the rules so we started debating back and forth about who got the point. I can get real competitive and i know this, but he just kept arguing and pushing and i lost my cool. I didn't scream or call him names but I got upset an snapped at him. I calmed down, but he was already pissed about it. He said that he is scared about having a life with me because i have a terrible temper and i overreact and that makes him miserable. I don't do it that often, maybe it happens once a month or so, which is the only time we get in an argument about it. I dont think I lose my temper THAT much, but I'm not sure waht to do. He says he has a wonderful time and he thinks that he wants to be with me forever, then when I get overly emotional and freak out a little he says he has doubts. We made up and everything is fine with us, but now i am scared to death of him breaking up with me if it happens again. He stays real calm when he gets upset and I don't. That's just me, I don't know how to change that. Can anyone please help me, I'm so afraid I'm going to lose him. We are doing so great right now, it's real disheartenly when this happens.
Star Gazer Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 LB - honestly, I'm surprised to hear you think you have a temper. I've picked at you before (all with the best intentions, of course ) and you never flipped out at me or snapped or anything along those lines. As such, I'm thinking perhaps it's your BF who's the oversensitive one. I mean, even with your tennis example, you didn't scream or use names, you only "snapped" at him. This "snappyness" during a competitive tennis match caused him to worry about your future? That seems a little extreme to me...almost as though he might be looking for excuses... What are your thoughts about that?
oppath Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 First, just because your BF says something, does not make it true. Also, he may contribute to the problem. A minor tiff once a month does not make a temper or anger problem. I'd recommend reading Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss what Matters Most.Or another book. I mostly believe my last relationship ended because I did not know how to have difficult conversations. I am very assertive, but if the other person isn't being forthright, I get pretty intense. I wouldn't say I raise my voice or yell, but I could do much better. My goal, being single, is to learn these skills NOW, before a relationship. Essentially, there was a fight preceding my breakup where I was likely construed as having a temper or being irrationally angry. the problem was that my gf was not forthcoming, something did happen (her ex asked for her back), and she was distant. I pushed. I recognize I didn't converse with her in a way that would resolve a problem, one that would have helped her disclose. What matters after the fact, are the facts, not the reasons, and the facts are that she did not disclose vital information, and as a result, I pushed, not that I messed up. I'm not going to blame myself, and neither should you, but you can make a commitment to change. The barrier is definitely communication and your bf has some contribution too so please don't think he has none. He likely eggs you on or doesn't accept his own responsibilities and contributions.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 LB - honestly, I'm surprised to hear you think you have a temper. I've picked at you before (all with the best intentions, of course ) and you never flipped out at me or snapped or anything along those lines. As such, I'm thinking perhaps it's your BF who's the oversensitive one. I mean, even with your tennis example, you didn't scream or use names, you only "snapped" at him. This "snappyness" during a competitive tennis match caused him to worry about your future? That seems a little extreme to me...almost as though he might be looking for excuses... What are your thoughts about that? Yeah I really don't understand this one. It's the same problem we have had since we have been together. He keeps telling me to "try harder" but I think he's the one with the issue, not me. He says that its ok if I get upset and show emotion, but that I need to do it in a more calmer way. I think that is totally rediculous, I was not screaming or calling him names nor did I even yell at him. Maybe he is trying to make excuses, it's so confusing because he sends me mixed messages. He talks about marriage and children, but then when we have a fight over this he starts saying he has doubts and it makes him so miserable and he doesn't want to be around me. I don't know why he feels this way. Oh yeah, oppath..he usually turns the entire thing on me and makes me take full responsibility. When we were talking I told him that he acts like a jerk sometimes too and pisses me, and then he asked me why I was bringing him into this and that we were talking about me. What the hell?
oppath Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 LB - honestly, I'm surprised to hear you think you have a temper. I've picked at you before (all with the best intentions, of course ) and you never flipped out at me or snapped or anything along those lines. As such, I'm thinking perhaps it's your BF who's the oversensitive one. I mean, even with your tennis example, you didn't scream or use names, you only "snapped" at him. This "snappyness" during a competitive tennis match caused him to worry about your future? That seems a little extreme to me...almost as though he might be looking for excuses... What are your thoughts about that? Word SG. While I haven't had the LTR experience, arguments happen. Things are said that rub people the wrong way, so as much as LB may have a temper from her BF's perspective, he may be oversensitive from her's. A third person's perspective would likely be in the middle, and really, no person is to blame. Also, if people have doubts, they will often label something as an excuse that isn't true. For example, I haven't had relationships lasting longer than 6 months, but I've had a couple around that term in the 3 years I've been dating so really, I've done just fine. Women, knowing that I haven't had a LTR, will say "it's probably because you are used to being single and don't have experience" but that doesn't make it true. If they are doubting something or aren't feeling it they may blame my lack of experience to avoid dealing with their true feelings and issues. It's like how someone will say "you're so insecure" and there may be truth to it but many times there are reasons for the lack of security and labeling someone as insecure will only decrease their confidence and make it worse.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 Yeah, oppath you actually may be right. My bf has only had one LTR (the rest were like dating for like a month or 2, not a LTR!) since he was 20 (he is 25 now), they went out for a year 1/2 but it was long distance so they only really saw each other every couple months. He's not used to seeing someone long term on a regular basis. Maybe thats why fighting and having problems bothers him so much, he's never gone through it. I only the other hand have, I was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. Yeah fighting sucks, but it doesnt make me as miserable as it makes my bf. What the hell is wrong with him?
oppath Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 I think that is totally rediculous, I was not screaming or calling him names nor did I even yell at him. hell? It's not totally ridiculous. There is probably a great deal of validity to it, especially from his framework. This does not mean he is 100% right or even 50% right. It is not about even being 5% right. But his feelings are valid somehow, someway. However, he surely has a contribution too. Never call him oversensitive, that will make things worse. Do something like paraphrasing. Say "What I hear you saying is that you'd like me to be a little more calm when expressing anger with you. Can you explain more about how you feel when we're having disagreements?" Let him have his piece, then say "So you are telling me x, y, and z. I agree, sometimes I may be too z. Thanks for drawing that to my attention and I'll try to be better in the future. thanks for sharing your perspective. I have a perspective too, AND I'd really like to share it with you if you are willing." Blah blah. It's never easy in the moment. the premise is to shift every conversation and argument from a blame conversation to a learning conversation. It is very subtle. We all fail at it, but it's worth becoming more skilled at.
Star Gazer Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Yeah I really don't understand this one. It's the same problem we have had since we have been together. He keeps telling me to "try harder" but I think he's the one with the issue, not me. He says that its ok if I get upset and show emotion, but that I need to do it in a more calmer way. I think that is totally rediculous, I was not screaming or calling him names nor did I even yell at him. Maybe he is trying to make excuses, it's so confusing because he sends me mixed messages. He talks about marriage and children, but then when we have a fight over this he starts saying he has doubts and it makes him so miserable and he doesn't want to be around me. I don't know why he feels this way. I think he wants you to be someone you're not. He reminds me of Trey McDougal, Charlotte's first husband in SiTC - very WASPy, very stoic, very serious, unemotional, uncomfortable with displays of passion or emotion. Ick. What does he want you to be, a mute mannequin? Can you imagine how he'll react when something traumatic happens in your life (which is unfortunately an inevitability of life) and you really DO flip out? Don't you want him to support you? You deserve that.
oppath Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Yeah, oppath you actually may be right. My bf has only had one LTR (the rest were like dating for like a month or 2, not a LTR!) since he was 20 (he is 25 now), they went out for a year 1/2 but it was long distance so they only really saw each other every couple months. He's not used to seeing someone long term on a regular basis. Maybe thats why fighting and having problems bothers him so much, he's never gone through it. I only the other hand have, I was in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. Yeah fighting sucks, but it doesnt make me as miserable as it makes my bf. What the hell is wrong with him? My danger, not having been through it, is realizing IT IS OK TO EXPRESS ANGER and I should probably do it more often!! That way it won't overspill. But see what you are doing? You are claiming something is wrong with him. there is not. No more than there is with you. I understand you are upset, but if you make that judgment to him vocally it will only make things worse. And I wouldn't hold his lack of experience against him either when you talk about this. It will only make him defensive because he'll interpret it to mean "I'm not lovable which is why I haven't had the experience." Leave experience out. Leave all blame out. Certainly, what he is doing is wrong, putting blame on you. To convince him of this you'll need to be assertive without casting blame on him.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 I think he wants you to be someone you're not. He reminds me of Trey McDougal, Charlotte's first husband in SiTC - very WASPy, very stoic, very serious, unemotional, uncomfortable with displays of passion or emotion. Ick. What does he want you to be, a mute mannequin? Can you imagine how he'll react when something traumatic happens in your life (which is unfortunately an inevitability of life) and you really DO flip out? Don't you want him to support you? You deserve that. Its funny that you mention that SG. Today I got unjustly fired from my job. They told me that because my availability is so limited (I am up at college mon-fri for school then work on the weekend, however only one day a week due to my best friend getting married in 2 weeks, i'm a bridesmaids.) and that could no longer work with me only being able to work one day a week. Well i'm about to come home for a month 1/2 and can work whenever because my classes were only for 5 weeks. My job had agreed to this and been very supportive up until now. Anyway, I was completely crushed and was bawling. He was fairly supportive but repeatedly told me to calm down and that this wasnt the end of the world, i'm blowing this out of proportion, ect. I eventually calmed and we didn't get in a fight but he got so upset when I was crying.
Krytellan Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 He said that he is scared about having a life with me because i have a terrible temper and i overreact and that makes him miserable. Next time he mentions your temper, you tell him from me that I can show him a woman with a temper... my ex in PA. Tell him he has NOTHING to worry about if snapping is as bad as it gets.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 Thanks for all your replys everyone. I'm going to try talking to my boyfriend about this today. He says that I overreact and lose my temper constantly, aka at the tennis game. Not sure why he feels this way, I guess I'll find out. Hopefully I can stay calm and talk to him civilized without getting upset.
oppath Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 One thing I'd recommend is to allow him to lead and share his feelings, and then you repeat what he shared with you so he knows you have heard him. then, ask for a chance to share your perspective. this way he will know you listened and understand him and validate him.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted July 10, 2007 Author Posted July 10, 2007 Update: So I talked to bf. He told me that he hates when I overreact and really upset over stupid things. He said that he hates when I get angry because i raise my voice and snap at him. I tried to tell him that i don't think that is real bad, people deal with anger in different ways. He says I should try to calm down right away when I get angry. that's what he does, he stays so damn calm! I just don't react that way, I mean i really don't think that I do anything horrible I just raise my voice and become snippy and attitudy towards him. This is going to keep happening if it doesn't resolve. Our conversation didn't really resolve anything, all I ended up saying was that I'll try to work on it..usually what I always end up saying. Any advice on this, I'm at a total loss and I'm scared to death of losing the love of my life.
Recommended Posts