screwydame Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Help!! I am in a bind here, and need to know if I'm the crazy one or he is. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years. A couple of things you should know about us is that when we met I was 19 and he was 27. He had an underpaid full-time job and I had never been employed, and we were both still living with our parents. Now I am almost 22 and he just turned 30. I have been through 2 part-time jobs and a temp job, and now have a stable, well-paying full-time job and my own apartment. He is still employed at the same place and is still living with his parents. A few months shy of our 2-year anniversary, back when I was still living with my mother under her reign of terror, I started to bring up how cool it would be for us to live together since we got along so well. He seemed resistant but not totally opposed to the idea. He even said that he would consider it after our anniversary. Well, our anniversary came and went six months ago, and nothing has changed. We had more than a few knock-out, drag-down fights over the subject. He is now saying that he isn't ready to live with anyone, that he isn't even ready to live by himself because he can't take care of himself at this stage in his life. I got sick of waiting for him and moved out of my mother's house on my own, but I feel empty all the time knowing that he wouldn't move in with me. Not only will he not even consider moving in with me, but he gets angry and irritated when I even talk about how nice it would be to live together. And don't even mention the word marriage, or God forbid, babies! He goes totally berzerk. He says he doesn't even want to THINK about marrying ANYONE, EVER, and that he never wants kids. He acts like it's the most terrifying thing in the world. And on top of it all, his car broke down permanently so now he has to borrow his mother's car to spend time with me. All of this makes me feel like we're a couple of teenagers holding hands between classes in high school. I see him 3 times a week, on his mother's schedule, for a few hours at a time until he has to bring the car back. We can't spend a weekend together unless he rents a car, which he says he never has money to do. Not only that, but the sex has been nonexistant since our 2 year anniversary - we are having sex once a week at most, and it is usually not very good. He never seems into it anymore. I am a very old-fashioned 22 year old woman. Jim was my first boyfriend, my first sexual partner, and my first love. I want to live with him, marry him, have kids with him, and spend the rest of my life with him - or I at least want to be able to spend a dirty weekend with him without having to worry about his mother calling on his phone asking for the car back. I don't want to feel like the idea of committing to me scares him - it makes me feel like a big, scary monster. In the past I have tried to pressure him as little as possible, but it made me feel like a frightened little field mouse that is afraid to talk about what she wants, and I'm sick of it - especially since I moved out of my mother's house. I feel like I am moving on with my life and he is going in reverse. He has talked several times about his desire to be a teenager again, and to just hang out with his friends all day and not have to worry about getting old. (All of his friends are married, having babies, buying houses, etc.) I know I should be more sensitive and compassionate to his fears and anxieties, but it is getting to the point where I don't really know what I am getting out of this relationship anymore, and where I think we may be better off just being friends. Somebody help!! Please tell me if I'm the impatient girlfriend I fear I might be, or if I'm totally crazy for thinking he will ever commit to me.
norajane Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 You are not the impatient girlfriend, but you are crazy for thinking he will EVER commit to you. He says he doesn't even want to THINK about marrying ANYONE, EVER, and that he never wants kids. He has talked several times about his desire to be a teenager again, and to just hang out with his friends all day and not have to worry about getting old. Since you want to marry and have children, you are totally wasting your time with him. He is never going to give you that, because he does not want that at all. He does not want to grow up, he does not want responsibilities, and he does not want to move out of his mother's house. This is not a matter of you being sensitive to his fears. This is a matter of hearing and believing what he is telling you. He is being very, very clear with you, so you can only blame yourself if you choose to stay with him. I'm sorry, but there is nothing you can do about this. He does not want what you want out of life.
spookie Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Yup, what Norajane said. You have to start hearing what your boyfriend is saying. While it might be clear to you that getting engaged, moving in, married, babies, etc are the obvious next steps and what you want out of life, he has already expressed to you that it is not what he wants. What he wants IS to go in reverse. You can't change him. Moreover, his desire to remain a child likely has nothing to do with either you or your relationship. You're not at "fault". If you want the things you say you do (and it sounds like they are important to you, and nothing you should have to compromise on) you are going to have to accept that your boyfriend isn't the right person for you. I know it's hard, letting go of the fantasy that it won't work out with the one you love. But, you will love again, and if you choose who to invest your love in more wisely next time, it might work out to where you won't have to compromise being able to move forward with the things you want to accomplish.
justagirliegirl Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 You have outgrown him. You are doing adult things and he is stuck as a teenager. There is nothing you can do about it. It is his choice to continue to be dependent and unambitious.
jcster Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Jim was my first boyfriend, my first sexual partner, and my first love. I want to live with him, marry him, have kids with him, and spend the rest of my life with him NO! Are you insane?!? This guy is a LOSER with all caps. He will never change - you are beating your head against a brick wall. Get away from him and live a real life with people who are happy to be alive. He will destroy you.
Aloros Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 What everyone else said. Trust me, if you get out of this relationship and find someone else who is as mature as you, you'll wonder whatever you were thinking staying in this relationship. Been there, done that, and this was with a guy who said he did want to marry me and have children. He just never had his life together. There is someone out there who will want to marry you. Don't waste your time with someone who won't.
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