So she's having an affair - what next?

[SadCanuck]

In my early naivete posted here a while back in this thread. I stopped posting because I felt guilty doing it and was dedicating every ounce of my being to trying to fix my marriage. Was getting no response from my wife.

 

As several of you guessed from my simple post, my wife has been having an affair. I discovered this yesterday evening when I intercepted a message from her to the other man.

 

I know its only been a day but I don't think I could have even imagined how painful this is. I slept for less than 1/2 an hour last night and still can't fall asleep for a nap.

 

I'd like to post more details later but here is the short version now. She's been having this affair for a while with a man from work. She thinks she loves him. She's not sure if she wants to continue the affair or not. I'm trying not to be so stupid this time - she does.

 

What is breaking me apart is what this does to my kids. They are 2 girls - 5 and 8 and are everything in the world to me. This will destroy their lives. Even this morning when I resisted going to breakfast with them and their mother, it became pretty emotional.

 

My problem today is I have no idea what to do next? I can't just pick up and leave my kids. I haven't even spoken to a lawyer yet. And I'm still holding out some hope in my heart that she'll tell me she wants me back and we might somehow be able to make this work.

 

Yet staying here seems impossibly difficult. I don't want to leave until I'm *certain* it's over as I'm worried about impact on my kids.

 

What do people do when this happens? It seems like they stay in the house for weeks or even months? That seems so hard. I am completely devastated and heartbroken and I have no idea what to do next.

 

Can anyone post any of their experiences that might help me?

[SadCanuck]

One more thing. Does it have to be the man that leaves? It seems so unfair as she did this to our family - not me. Yet I have the most to lose.

 

Hell, she gains a few nights of freedom to escalate her affair with the OM. All I get is loneliness and a need to leave my home.....

[Woggle]

Start documenting her actions and go for joint custody. Be prepared fr a fight but a man in your situation does have a chance and don't leave the home. She is the one who is doing this so she should be the one to leave. Also get yourself a lawyer and confront her with the evidence. Why do you even want to be with a woman like this?

[Portisphish]

I am going through a similar situation..read about it here...http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t123933/

 

I was able to have a rational conversation after a few days of tremendous pain.

 

Woggle hit the nail on the head, and it is the same question I'm asking myself. Why would we want this type of person in our life?

 

All I can suggest is that you try and put your emotions aside and speak to her about what is going to happen next. You take control of your life. I'm trying, too. It's the hardest thing I've ever been through. Read all the posts, however, and you start to realize it's not at all uncommon. Keep strong for your kids. Good luck!

[GreenEyedLady]

One more thing. Does it have to be the man that leaves?

 

It doesn't have to be the man who leaves...I left my XH, but I took my kids with me...I hated the house and wanted nothing to do with it...I just took my share in the settlement...

 

There's lots of different arrangments out there, but the likelihood of you getting any relief soon is next to none...settlements take time and if you both disagree with who gets to stay in the house, it will make it even longer...

 

Oh, and your children's lives won't be destroyed if it comes down to a D...They will be altered though...But if you give off the vibe to them that it's the end of their world, it will be...

 

I've been fully divorced for 3 years now...and my children have adjusted...it's sad when a family is broken up but sometimes that's just what happens...Try to be more like "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade"...your children will just need the reassurance that they're parents love them and won't abandon them...

 

Sorry you're in this situation...Good luck...

[Ladyjane14]

I know its only been a day but I don't think I could have even imagined how painful this is. I slept for less than 1/2 an hour last night and still can't fall asleep for a nap.

 

First things first. You're no good to anyone if you're run down. Job #1 is to eat right, sleep right, avoid alcohol, and get the appropriate amount of exercise. It's a marathon, not a sprint. You need your body to be in good shape so that your mind is clear.

 

See an attorney at your earliest opportunity. Commit to nothing until you've had time to digest and you've thought things through. Don't fight with your WW (wayward wife). Drama only fuels the affair. And certainly don't let your kids see grown-ups behaving in a scary way... crying, ranting and all that.

[azianpride143]

LJ is right. Take care of yourself. Go seek legal advice and don't confront her. It's best to keep your feelings to yourself for now. Just leave her alone. It's going to be hard. But lots of patience is needed to get through this.

 

You and me are in the same boat. I'm just a little ahead of you. You can go read my thread.

[SadCanuck]

Thanks for the kind comments and words of encouragement. This is now Day #3 and I'm still struggling mightily with keeping myself physically OK. I have been able to sleep very little and eat very little. I know this is my #1 priority right now. I think I am going to sleep at my parents house tonight. Hopefully without her in the same house, we can both get some much-needed sleep.

 

Details about the affair have been trickling in over the past couple of days and I am completely consumed with wanting to figure out more. I also know this is not healthy.

 

I do have a couple of things going for me. I have a great friend who had an engagement end 2 weeks before marriage due to a cheating fiance a few years back and he has been a tremendous person to talk to.

 

While incredibly difficult, even my conversations with my wife have been generally civil and leave me hopeful we can forge a new relationship to parent our kids effectively.

 

The things eating at me today are:

 

- My incredible desire for my old life back. I do not want this new life one bit and I cannot see any upsides in it for me. I am completely heartbroken at the thought of missing so many days of my kids lives.

- I keep wondering if it might be possible to salvage this marriage. I know I will face so much pain whether we separate or not and this woman can offer me something no other woman in the world can - a life with my children. I feel like I don't want to close the door completely to this. It seems couples can recover from this, but I can't imagine how.

- I am consumed with the need for information. I can't stop reliving every moment of the past few months, every time I was suspicious and trying to get my wife to tell me more and more information. I don't think this is healthy at all but I can't stop.

- I am also consumed by her need to end this relationship. I believe it is a cancer for her and that she cannot aspire to a happy life in this relationship. As much as I think she deserves whatever she gets, I need her to become happy and strong again for our kids sake. I also know he is the one person in the world who will take her side. I've been trying so hard to get her to find someone else to talk to. It just keeps backfiring as it seems everyone just feels so bad for me. I don't feel like I can ever form a positive parental relationship with this man still in the picture and I don't think it would ever be fair to introduce this man to our children.

 

I have nothing positive to say yet. This has been the most incredible couple of days and I never imagined such pain were possible.

[Ladyjane14]

There's a bit of a knee-jerk reaction when a person is newly betrayed.. to try to save the marriage. And while marriages can be restored after infidelity, I believe it's important to take a little time and assess the situation. IOW, is it REALLY what you want?

 

If you'll give yourself about three weeks, remaining firmly noncommittal and studying the problem from every angle, I think you'll be in a better position to decide what YOU truly want for YOUR future.

 

Now... your WW (wayward wife) will try to push you for resolution on the marriage. But that doesn't mean that it's incumbent upon you to make ANY decisions right now. You can simply tell her that you're not ready to talk about it yet.

 

Meanwhile, get a copy of Surviving An Affair by Harley and read it. You can get a bit of an overview at his website, marriagebuilders. Read through the Basic Concepts section and through the HT Survive Infidelity section.

(Me to you though... avoid the boards. Take your information directly from Dr. Harley and interpret it for yourself. You don't want to get into a situation where you're taking advice which can sometimes be motivated from a sense of indignation or vindictiveness. Because IF you decide to work towards reconciliation, these attitudes will not aid your endeavor.)

 

Hang in there.

It might not seem like things can get better, but really... either way it goes, this situation WILL be resolved. And hard as it is to believe right now, you will be happy again one day.

[SadCanuck]

Now... your WW (wayward wife) will try to push you for resolution on the marriage. But that doesn't mean that it's incumbent upon you to make ANY decisions right now. You can simply tell her that you're not ready to talk about it yet.

 

Now that's just the thing. She is certainly not pressuring me. She hasn't asked me to leave. She claims to have broken contact with the OM. I am not naive enough to believe she necessarily has or that it would stick.

 

But she has not said she wants to reconcile. She is obviously in a very bad state as well (her fault) and says she doesn't know what she wants. Part of me thinks this is not acceptable - if she wants to try to reconcile she better tell me now - like today. Another part thinks that if she took a short amount of time to decide, we would both be in a better position to decide if reconciliation was the next step. And a last part fully expects her to resume the affair and end the marriage.

 

This afternoon has been good. I spent most of it trolling the internet for stories and posts from people in similiar situations and it has been empowering for some reason. I ate my first square meal in days as well.

 

Typing all this, I still feel confused. But somehow a little better today.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks for the kind comments and words of encouragement. This is now Day #3 and I'm still struggling mightily with keeping myself physically OK. I have been able to sleep very little and eat very little. I know this is my #1 priority right now. I think I am going to sleep at my parents house tonight. Hopefully without her in the same house, we can both get some much-needed sleep.

 

Details about the affair have been trickling in over the past couple of days and I am completely consumed with wanting to figure out more. I also know this is not healthy.

 

I do have a couple of things going for me. I have a great friend who had an engagement end 2 weeks before marriage due to a cheating fiance a few years back and he has been a tremendous person to talk to.

 

While incredibly difficult, even my conversations with my wife have been generally civil and leave me hopeful we can forge a new relationship to parent our kids effectively.

 

The things eating at me today are:

 

- My incredible desire for my old life back. I do not want this new life one bit and I cannot see any upsides in it for me. I am completely heartbroken at the thought of missing so many days of my kids lives.

- I keep wondering if it might be possible to salvage this marriage. I know I will face so much pain whether we separate or not and this woman can offer me something no other woman in the world can - a life with my children. I feel like I don't want to close the door completely to this. It seems couples can recover from this, but I can't imagine how.

- I am consumed with the need for information. I can't stop reliving every moment of the past few months, every time I was suspicious and trying to get my wife to tell me more and more information. I don't think this is healthy at all but I can't stop.

- I am also consumed by her need to end this relationship. I believe it is a cancer for her and that she cannot aspire to a happy life in this relationship. As much as I think she deserves whatever she gets, I need her to become happy and strong again for our kids sake. I also know he is the one person in the world who will take her side. I've been trying so hard to get her to find someone else to talk to. It just keeps backfiring as it seems everyone just feels so bad for me. I don't feel like I can ever form a positive parental relationship with this man still in the picture and I don't think it would ever be fair to introduce this man to our children.

 

I have nothing positive to say yet. This has been the most incredible couple of days and I never imagined such pain were possible.

 

 

Forget about asking your wife for any information, because she's a Liar, she was when she was banging OM, and she still is a Liar now, even though all hell has broken loose, don't leave the home, if someone should leave, it's her, not you, she brought this on her family, YES, on her whole family, not just you. Cheaters cheat on the whole family, not just their spouses. Don't accept any of her blaming you for her affair Bullcrap, because she's gonna pull it, or has pulled it on you already, Call her on it! It's all HER fault for her affair. We're here for ya MAN! By the way, make sure your wife can't find this site, delete cookies, history, etc.

[Darth Vader]

Contact a good lawyer, and find out about your rights, protect your assets, protect your home, see about going for custody, I've heard from these forums that only 10% of all men go for custody, but of those 10% who do go for it, about 90% of MEN get custody, think about it! I suggest that you go for it!

[Darth Vader]

Hey, have you thought of informing OM's wife about his fling with your wife, she needs to know, you shouldn't be the only one hurting here, this OM needs to be hurting too!

[Sundax]

- My incredible desire for my old life back.

I'm sorry to say this but that's not possible. It's just not, there's no way to "undo" all this. The sooner you are able to accept this the easier it will be for you. Start thinking about how to create a new life where you can have the happiness you deserve, with a great woman who will love you and respect you.

 

- I keep wondering if it might be possible to salvage this marriage.

Possible, not likely, not if you want to retain your self respect and realize that she treated you in an unacceptable manner. It was wrong what she did and you don't deserve it. Besides, would you ever be able to trust her again? Every time she was out of sight you might suffer from your worries. That's no way to live.

 

- I am consumed with the need for information. I can't stop reliving every moment of the past few months, every time I was suspicious and trying to get my wife to tell me more and more information. I don't think this is healthy at all but I can't stop.

I did that too when it happened for me. It made me feel better to dig up more proof. If she's still lying to you you can tend to want to believe her and deny what you know is really going on, but when you find the facts it can let you know you're not crazy. Plus in my case, I found out I'd only suspected the tip of the iceberg and that made it much easier to move on without her.

 

- I am also consumed by her need to end this relationship.

Don't worry about her relationships. It's not your problem anymore. And you can't control them.

 

Don't worry. You will be happy again some day

[Citizen Erased]

When my father discovered that my mum was having an affair, he did the wrong thing and left. Left the house he mainly paid for, us kids etc when he had done nothing wrong. After a month he came back and threw my mother out because he had realised she should have been the one to leave.

 

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and do not deserve to have your life impacted anymore by her selfish actions. If the marriage is over then SHE has to go. If she wants out, then by all means tell her to leave. You have legal rights, so contact a lawyer asap. These days judges are alot more likely to award custody to the parent which lives in the family home. And it says alot about her character that she would do this to your family.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling but spend as much time with your kids as possible, have some long talks with your friend, try to keep busy and definitely look into your options. Good luck and keep posting.

[Darth Vader]

When my father discovered that my mum was having an affair, he did the wrong thing and left. Left the house he mainly paid for, us kids etc when he had done nothing wrong. After a month he came back and threw my mother out because he had realised she should have been the one to leave.

 

You have done absolutely nothing wrong and do not deserve to have your life impacted anymore by her selfish actions. If the marriage is over then SHE has to go. If she wants out, then by all means tell her to leave. You have legal rights, so contact a lawyer asap. These days judges are alot more likely to award custody to the parent which lives in the family home. And it says alot about her character that she would do this to your family.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling but spend as much time with your kids as possible, have some long talks with your friend, try to keep busy and definitely look into your options. Good luck and keep posting.

 

 

So what happened with your father? Did he keep the house, and all the children? At least he realized his mistake, and came back to you.

[reservoirdog1]

First of all, sorry as hell to see you here. I've been where you are and it sucks.

 

Second: I think you need to give her an ultimatum: him or you? And it needs a time limit. I'd say a week at absolute maximum, preferably something like three days. She can't decide in three days? Then you say, tough -- you're going to decide for her. If she doesn't answer, tell her she must leave -- because you'll be damned if you're going to have her polluting your and your children's home with her disgusting behaviour.

 

If she decides that she wants to work on the marriage, then she writes the OM a no-contact email -- which you get to read -- and you watch her send it. From then on, NO CONTACT. Period. If the OM is married, then tell his wife about his cheating.

 

You can't afford to be complacent, or to let her call the shots here. If you do, she'll take her sweet time and continue seeing the OM while you sit at home, pining and hoping she'll come around. Instead, you need to lay down the law, hard. Your way, or the highway. Think of this as "Operation Shock and Awe". Believe me, she'll have a hell of a lot more respect for you if she honestly thinks she has something to lose. Right now, she probably doesn't think that.

[Citizen Erased]

So what happened with your father? Did he keep the house, and all the children? At least he realized his mistake, and came back to you.

 

Well it happened in 2001, and since then my parents decided to let us decide which parent to stay with, so we stayed with my dad in the family home. After he sold it in 2003, I moved in with my mother because I wanted to finish school at the one I was still at, my dad now lives in another state, and my brother with him. But yes, assets wise my father turned out better off then my mother. He is also re-married.

[Cobra_X30]

Coco, your story sounds like mine. Difference is my dad moved out and never went back. I moved in with him, my sister stayed with mom.

 

Ever have anger issues because of this?

[Citizen Erased]

Coco, your story sounds like mine. Difference is my dad moved out and never went back. I moved in with him, my sister stayed with mom.

 

Ever have anger issues because of this?

 

Well I knew from a pretty young age that my parents weren't right for each other, so everything that happened didn't exactly come as a surprise. When I moved in with my mum, she was actually living with the guy she had the affair with. He was an abusive alcoholic who I absolutely hated but in the end we got through it, he actually died not long ago, and my mum has a perfect boyfriend.

 

In the end, both of my parents ended up happier then they were together, and I can't say I have any problems with my life. My brother has still not gotten over it, he was only 10 when they broke up. But in the end, life is what it is and we have to take it as it comes.

[Darth Vader]

Well it happened in 2001, and since then my parents decided to let us decide which parent to stay with, so we stayed with my dad in the family home. After he sold it in 2003, I moved in with my mother because I wanted to finish school at the one I was still at, my dad now lives in another state, and my brother with him. But yes, assets wise my father turned out better off then my mother. He is also re-married.

 

 

That's good to hear about your father, how he moved on and all. Has your mother ever been remorseful for her actions, or does she blame your father? Blaming the BS is often the case. I hope you don't mind me asking.......

[Darth Vader]

Well I knew from a pretty young age that my parents weren't right for each other, so everything that happened didn't exactly come as a surprise. When I moved in with my mum, she was actually living with the guy she had the affair with. He was an abusive alcoholic who I absolutely hated but in the end we got through it, he actually died not long ago, and my mum has a perfect boyfriend.

 

In the end, both of my parents ended up happier then they were together, and I can't say I have any problems with my life. My brother has still not gotten over it, he was only 10 when they broke up. But in the end, life is what it is and we have to take it as it comes.

 

 

It's always the children that suffer the most!

[ls707]

One more thing. Does it have to be the man that leaves? It seems so unfair as she did this to our family - not me. Yet I have the most to lose.

 

Hell, she gains a few nights of freedom to escalate her affair with the OM. All I get is loneliness and a need to leave my home.....

 

although i havent been through what you have, I have been through a bad break up once in my life. The pain was unbearable i couldnt see life beyond the extent of what this pain that was shading my eyes.

 

What helped me most was my family/Friends/religion and some counseling. I have a strong family and I thank god to this day that they were there for me. Everyone lands flat in their lives one time or the other, but in the end i started believing that if I wanted things to change, i had to allow myself to make those changes and not get stuck in the past and what i have lost. Do not for one second fight the flow of life, do not do this. If your fighting the flow of life your fighting yourself; which is ultimately self defeating.

 

its stories like these that make me wonder if marriage is worth it at all in the western world (i have never been married before).

 

Men have the most to loose in divorces, the western judicial system is setup in such a manner that she gets the most out of a divorce. She'll take the kids, she'll take the house and in the end even though none of this is your fault it just ends up with you receiving the short end of the stick.

 

I feel sorry for the kids, i pray and hope you end up with em, cuz you sound more level headed than this woman of yours.

[bish]

What is breaking me apart is what this does to my kids. They are 2 girls - 5 and 8 and are everything in the world to me. This will destroy their lives. Even this morning when I resisted going to breakfast with them and their mother, it became pretty emotional.

 

What you have to remember is...you didn't do this to your kids...SHE did.

 

If their lives are destroyed over this, its not your fault...its hers.

 

My problem today is I have no idea what to do next? I can't just pick up and leave my kids. I haven't even spoken to a lawyer yet. And I'm still holding out some hope in my heart that she'll tell me she wants me back and we might somehow be able to make this work.

 

I know man...I was in the same position you are in. I didn't want to uproot my kids for some things I found out about my wife years ago...but once I learned that she was still messing around....out the door she went.

My youngest would be devestated if he wasn't with his mom...and I am not going to split up my two kids. So it is going to be joint custody, with her being the custodial parent.

 

But I made it clear that if she squanders the money I give her in child support, or lets anything bad happen to them, especially with any loser she wants to spread her legs for, that I will go back and get custody.

 

Yet staying here seems impossibly difficult. I don't want to leave until I'm *certain* it's over as I'm worried about impact on my kids.

 

I know how you feel man...but again, you didn't do this to them...she did.

She wasn't worried about the "impact" on her kids when she was spreading her legs for another man was she?...no.

 

 

What do people do when this happens? It seems like they stay in the house for weeks or even months? That seems so hard. I am completely devastated and heartbroken and I have no idea what to do next.

 

I know its hard to think about...but you really need to divorce her. And you shouldn't have to be the one to leave....SHE should.

She had the tits to have and affair, she should have the tits to leave the house.