Recently Divorced Man had OW AND OOW!

[Savannah1]

He and I were together for four years (he had moved out of home when we met).

 

His divorce went through, we were together about six weeks when I got the ' I need time, space, I jumped into our relationship to soon after my divorce.

 

I was devastated, totally shattered to pieces, something inside me broke.

 

THEN I found out he had OW for 5-6 years ' a family friend of theirs for 30 years' and he was banging her for 6 years.

 

He had her, he had me? WTF?

 

Yes, I'm in serious Therapy over this.

 

I called her and told her to go get checked for STD's. She was very snide to me...

 

She's mad at me when it was HIM that did this.

 

Needless to say, I went off on him and HER.

 

I let a few people know what he did and they're doing the rest of the dirty work.

 

He called me and BEGGED me to forgive him, that he was messed up in the head.

 

He doesn't want ANYONE in his life, he's going to get lost, go find himself.

 

What a crock.

 

He knew I had nothing but abusive men in my life, I hadn't (my choice) dated in seven years...no sex...no nothing. I've been divorced 13 years.

 

He KNEW how badly I had been hurt..

 

I had asked him if he had someone else and he said NO.

 

I told him to please be honest and please please don't hurt me...he swore I was his only one.

 

And yes, I believed him.

 

I'm on AD's and Tranqualizers , plus the Therapy...

 

I can't seem to move on, it's been three months now...WHY can't I move on.

 

My friends keep me busy, I threw myself into my work, I pray a lot that I don't go insane.

 

Why did this man do this to me?

 

He was screwing his wifes best friend for six years?

 

Why did he want me? and for YEARS?

 

I never saw or noticed anything, I didn't think I'd have to be looking for anything...

 

I will never have another man in my life again, ever.

 

I see the big 'L' on my forehead everytime I look in the mirror, I don't want a man to even look at me.

 

Savannah1

[Curmudgeon]

Why did he want me? and for YEARS?

 

I never saw or noticed anything, I didn't think I'd have to be looking for anything...

 

I will never have another man in my life again, ever.

 

I see the big 'L' on my forehead everytime I look in the mirror, I don't want a man to even look at me.

 

He wanted you because he could have you, and did. That's all it was for him and all it will ever be for a cake eater.

 

Please don't judge all of us on the basis of this experience. It's an insult to those of us who have values and integrity. What he did and will likely continue to do with someone else says everything about him and nothing about the rest of us. Don't be self-limiting.

 

You're not a loser. You simpluy fell under the spell of a master manipulator and congenital liar. Many others have as well.

[NoIDidn't]

Savannah

 

I am sorry that this Loser tried to use you and lied to you.

 

Are you saying that you thought that you were the only OW and found out that you weren't? So she was two years before you and four years concurrent with you? How did he pull that off?

 

His first OW (making you the OOW, actually) was snide with you because she, like you, feels that she's been betrayed too. Who knows, he may have had several OWs - not just you two.

 

Don't call yourself a loser, though. Own what you did, and not the rest. You were in an A for four years with this man, helping him deceive his W. But then you find out that he wasn't just deceiving her, but you and another woman as well.

 

Its good that you are in therapy. I agree with Curm, that you shouldn't give up on ALL men. We all suffer from good judgment sometimes.

You can recover from this. There are many success stories on this board. Don't allow yourself to be his victim (in your mind).

 

You mention a history of dealing with abusive men. I think that's why you are having such a hard time with this. I hope you discuss it in therapy. But you sound like a strong person who will only grow stronger outside of this.

 

Good luck. The "L" on your forehead is the depression talking. Tell it to "shut up". Talk to the people that do love you. Do the things that you do like to do. Go for a walk daily. That will help fight the depression.

 

Again, good luck.

[Savannah1]

Thank you both for your kind responses.

 

I would have not been involved with him had he not been divorcing..he had his own place and all the paperwork had been processed when we met.

 

I was the OOW. I cannot believe this, I wish I could get over feeling numb, shocked, one minute I feel suicidal, the other I feel so damned mad because it's giving him/them power...(I don't know if the OW kept him or not)

 

He sent me a voice message after I called the OW and asked me to not call him again as he needed to get his head together, he can't believe he did this....the pain he has caused...he's getting lost.

 

This man was a very shy quiet mild mannered man, no one ever said one bad about him. No one.

 

His friends set us up and were overjoyed because we were perfect for each other. (The friends didn't know about the OW at all he had kept her so well hidden, plus I guess he had to keep her well hidden due to her being a family friend for 30 years and all...

 

One minute I'm okay, the next I'm tearing up...

 

Time heals all wounds so they say....I don't know about that...

 

My son's father was killed in a car wreck 36 years ago tomorrow , the day before we were to be married and no I don't go a day without thinking of him...talking to him...like it was yesterday sometimes.

 

Soooo, this is twice as hard and tomorrow will be a very bad day for me.

 

I know it's time to pull up my 'big girl' panties and get over myself but damned, it sure is hard right now to even go looking for the big girl panties.

 

Savannah1

[Savannah1]

Guess who called me begging again for another chance?

 

He said he got rid of OW....It's me he loves, he lost the best thing that ever happened to him.

 

I can't even bring myself to talk to him.

 

He keeps begging and pleading for me to talk to him.

 

I just want to move on.

 

I'm tired of the drama.

 

Savannah1

[NoIDidn't]

This just means that all of the women that he used no longer want any part of him and he is trying this line with all of you.

 

What a pathetic excuse for a person, let alone a man.

 

Good for you, sending him packing and all.

[Savannah1]

I wondered when the OW would find me.

 

She called at work today asked for my name and hung up on me, I knew it was her, total instinct....

 

A couple of hang up calls during the afternoon.

 

I have stayed NC and have no desire to get involved in anyway shape or form with the OW.

 

If she has the good senses to want to sit down and talk to me I would gladly do that...

 

She won't.

 

The only thing that I would like to do is to tell my ex to talk to her and to be damned sure she chooses her battles wisely...BUT I don't want to break NC...giving him to much power.

 

I hope she smartens up and leaves me alone.

 

The only thing I can think of now is she thinks HE is with me (not happening) and she's digging for information about him and me, hell, she can have him.

 

I still can't figure out why he wanted me when he already had OW....

 

Was she the one unknowingly the 'Exit Affair' (being a good family friend and all) and he fell in love with me and tried to do the 'right' thing and get rid of her slowly....

 

I do hand it to him,,,he did everything the 'right' way, he went to MC, IC, Priest, family, friends everything to make it look like he was being the good guy.

 

He went through the divorce from hell.

 

I have this feeling deep in the pit of my stomach that he is doing everything in his power to get me back.

 

I can't do this again with him.

 

My Therapist asked me IF a big IF he (ex) wanted to wipe the slate clean, to start all over, brand new, ( start dating and taking things very very slowly ) would I go back to him.

 

I had to stop and hesitate, before I'd have said, no way in hell.

 

I never thought of 'the clean slate' ...

 

He is an older man, maybe he's gotten defogged and now is realizing what he lost in me.

 

He told me he was on his knees praying every night, that he wasn't out partying it up...he lived in misery knowing he was betraying two women.

 

He wanted to break up with OW, then come to me, I was to never find out.

 

Strange, it's not a matter of 'if' a person gets caught cheating, it's a matter of 'when'.

 

Sooooo, I'll wait the OW out, she will probably stalk me, she doesn't know what I look like, only that I am very very pretty and I'm a nice person who is very well known and respected in the city I live.

 

I hope she is of mind to leave me alone.

 

Maybe she just wants to see what I look like, I'm all confused, I'm rambling.

 

I'm going to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head...

 

Savannah1

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sounds like the W spot was becoming vacant, so he needed someone to fill in that spot. He simply kept the OW in the OW spot, and I expect that's exactly where she will stay.

 

You have a classic cakeman on your hands. He will never find his needs met by one woman. He'll always need two... or more. He loves you, no doubt - but understand that he loves his OW too, in the way that cakemen love their OW that is.

 

If you stay with him, and he dumps OW it won't be long before he is out shopping for another one as soon as you let your guard down.

[Savannah1]

He broke up with OW when I found out about her.

 

I ended things with him..

 

So he alone now, it's where he wants to be, he is messed up.

 

I do believe if you look Cakeman up in the dictionary you will find his face beside the word.

 

 

I hope he finds the inner peace and I hope he takes a while before he moves on to the next woman.

 

He will have to have two women I believe as his was a long term marriage and it was pretty much sexless, once he found a woman he could have sex with he went looking for others.

 

Maybe one day he will settle down (actually at 60 I think he is getting slightly tired).

 

I'm getting so instead of hate I feel sorry for the jerk.

 

Savannah1

[PoshPrincess]

60, wow! He's going some. Obviously seriously wishing he was still 21! Savannah, just think of him as a SAD SAD man because that is what he is. He certainly isn't worthy of you and your love. What is it with guys like this? I know a guy in his early 60s (I had a brief fling with him when I was 20 and he was in his late 40s, although not quite married at the time). He has now been married over 10 years (with her for over 20) and STILL cheating. I sometimes wonder how he does it!!!!! He had even been married before and got caught (in his 30s sleeping with a girl of 16 - classy!) by the girl's father who, in turn, left a message on his a/phone which his W got to first! Men like this just never learn and will NEVER change. They think with their d*cks and seriously do not worry about the consequences until they get caught.

 

You are doing well Savannah. Keep strong. Let this sad loser live his life lonely and miserable because that is the best he deserves!

[Savannah1]

Hi PoshPrincess, thank you for thinking I'm strong.

 

Actually I can't stop crying sometimes.

 

I want to move on, I want to forget I ever knew him.

 

People come in and out of our lives for a reason...I wonder what the reason for him being in my life was?

 

I always attracted the abusers, the users, the losers...

 

He was none of the above, I looked and looked for something, anything to tell me he was one of the above and I could run fast and hard away from him.

 

No one, not one person has a bad thing to say about him...

 

Someone said something about he was 'living a lie'...

 

Do liars ever wake up?

 

Do they realize what they do to people who absolutely adore them?

 

I'm having a bad night tonight and I don't know why...I can't get him out of my head.

 

I have dated, I go out with my girlfriends...shopping, dinners, drinking, dancing...I don't feel therapy is helping anymore.

 

Just a bad evening....I think I'll take a Valium and go to bed...I will lay there and stare at the ceiling wondering, why? why me...what did I do wrong.

 

Savannah1