SadForever Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 i've heard so many in favor of no contact with their ex. has anyone considered an alternative? i have stayed in contact with him over the last several months since things ended. it seems to feel both good & bad. but what if all the bad feelings caused by staying in contact help build up scar tissue?
funkybassplayer Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 For some i guess we have to go into no contact for different reasons, i did because she met someone new, and for her and the kids thought it best to stay out, and in all honest i had no chioce as it was her wish, but it helped me big time. While i did have contact, i always felt upset and that i was putting on a brave face, but inside the pain was awful, then during no contact i really do feel so much better. Yes i miss them, but its better than the pain i was feeling after every little point of contcat. Its the hardest thing inthe world to let go of someone that you love, but in the long run the pain, complications and emotions of being in touch will hurt so much for so long. If you dont feel love then friends can be great, but if you are in love, sooner or later one of you will get really hurt, and by then you could have moved on, and the waves of emotion would have subsided. We all make our own choices whats best for us, but if you are in love and in contact with an ex, it really is an emotional and an unhappy and confusing place to be.
AriaIncognito Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 I think having limited contact only makes it worse on you in the long run. As you said, it's good and it's bad. You're more than likely better off getting over them with NC and not hurting yourself with LC....
CaliGuy Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 i've heard so many in favor of no contact with their ex. has anyone considered an alternative? i have stayed in contact with him over the last several months since things ended. it seems to feel both good & bad. but what if all the bad feelings caused by staying in contact help build up scar tissue? The alternative to NC is dragging out your healing much longer than it should take. I recommend NC, complete NC, until one is at a point in time where they can face their ex and say, imagine them having sex with their new partner and it doesn't bother them. I can safely say I am at that point in my life but I don't want any kind of relationship with my ex. She was never really a friend to me so I haven't lost a thing. Good riddance
funkybassplayer Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 She was never really a friend to me so I haven't lost a thing. Good riddance Quote Well put Calli, thats the truth, ex's are not friends there ex g/f or b/f and should stay that way!
skindeep Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 Hi! I'm new here and very much a novice to this whole concept. I have been enjoying reading posts and have found the posters on this site to be very insightful and intelligent in their responses. I have decided to join in in the hopes of healing myself through helping others who may be going through some of the same things as I am. Here goes..... My breakup began three months ago-by e-mail, no less. I did not feel that I was able to retain any sense of dignity without having had the opportunity to "speak my mind". I suffered for one month, dazed and confused, consumed with pursuit in my mind, basically unable to function. After reading books and articles on breakups, and healing from loss, I decided to approach him face to face, only to enumerate all of the positives that had come from the relationship for me, and to wish him well. I was able to smile through it all, mean what I said from a heartfelt perspective, while expressing my hurt and disappointment at having been treated in such a way when all was said and done. I told him that the way something ends between two people does not represent what took place between them, and that while he had hurt me, I forgave him. I walked away with dignity and felt much better for having done so. I told myself that I officially ended it that day, and while he asked that I keep in touch, I knew, for my own sake, that distance would be needed for my own healing. It has since been 2 1/2 months of no contact. I had been good friends with this person for 7 years before becoming emotionally involved for the past 3 1/2. I can honestly tell you that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. Harder than filing for divorce from my high school sweetheart after being together for 29 years. (I was truly over it by the time I did it). This time, I was not over it. But if the other person is over it, you have no choice but to accept that it is their choice and get on with your life. The hardest thing is letting go-the void is huge, and the fantasy looms large. But someone cannot be the right one for you if you are not the right one for them-it is impossible. Remaining friends, sometime down the road, might be possible, when you have successfully moved on in your own life. But while you are still attached in some way, even if only to fantasies of reconciling, you are inviting more pain into your life. He called me recently, invited me to lunch, lifted my hopes. We had a great talk and it felt like old times. The chemistry between us could have been cut with a knife, yet he is still uncertain what he wants for his life. It set me back a few steps. While it was comforting to be in his presence briefly, and reassuring that I was on his mind, ultimately, it fell flat. I have had to pick myself up, dust myself off, yet again, and get on with the business of getting on with my life. You cannot convince someone that you are right for them. Both people have to feel the same for it to work. I suggest that as hard as it is, even though you worry about being forgotten, no contact is best until you are sure that you can sit across from him, stare into his eyes with interest and enthusiasm while hearing of his latest romantic involvement, and offering advice on how he can improve upon it, if he asks, as you would any other platonic friend. That's when you will know you are truly "over it" and emotionally safe in being his friend. Good luck! I feel for you.
skindeep Posted July 12, 2007 Posted July 12, 2007 response to Moonglow: I would never have believed it-I completely wrote him off, but after almost three months of NC, he called-very sheepishly, I might add. We met for lunch and had a great reunion, I thought. But in the end, it fell way short of my expectations-he still was not ready for anything more than friends right now. So, in answer to your question, yes, they do come back, but perhaps not in the way you might like. Perhaps they feel the loss of the friendship, the need for emotional support, the need to reconnect for reassurance. But don't hang your hat on it meaning anything much, except to reassure you that your presence in their life is missed on some level. Keep focusing on you-I know it's hard.
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