child_of_isis Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Yesterday I went to the fish camp to meet my Mother for a night of fishing. As soon as I threw my line in the water, I heard a voice. I turned around and the X SO was there. (13 yr. relationship, split up about 3 wks ago. he left me) So, I reeled it in, walked to the picnic table and grabbed my bag, threw my pole in my truck and left. I am just so confused as how to handle this. One of the major problems in our R (he left, wants to come home but I won't let him) was his being a cake eater. I don't know if he was having affairs or not,(some odd behavior was popping up) but he wanted to hang out with his buddies and drink, while I stayed at home playing the good wife. When the party was over, he wanted to be able to come home and play house. To me, this is a cake eater. He wanted the best of both worlds...the single life, along with the home life. Now, I feel if I would have stayed at the fish camp and hung out, even on a purely platonic level, it would have played into that cake eating mentality. I'll be truthful...one part of me wants to interact with him on the platonic level. It would ease my pain and anger and probably help me to move on more quickly. On his part, it would probably bring on the thrill of the chase (to get me back) plus the cake eating. Do know that the previous night, he had been at the bars with his budz until 3 in the morning. Not even a call to me (even tho I am not answering) But, he did ring my mother at 3 in the morning. Now upon begging to come back home...he has said that he will stop the boozing and such. But he is not showing me this.(see previous paragraph) Evidently, this only applies if I allow him to come home. I am totally not playing that game. Now, I need tough love. No sugar coating please. Give it to me straight. How do I proceed?
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 COI, My guess is that he was very comfortable with the way things were, having the best of both worlds. He WANTED both. I think you did the right thing by leaving. I don't know how you can be platonic with someone that you love, unless by that you just mean that sex will not play in. I think that by remaining "friends" that you just continue the cycle. I remember that you kicked him out, how much does him needing a place to stay play into this? Can he afford a place on his own? Truly, what other problems did you have in your R with him. Things besides the going out and drinking ect, threatening to leave when he is unhappy... I would not go with the trying to be friends...if you do that you are simply delaying the inevitable and delaying your healing time. As far as continuing the R, that's going to be a tough call for you I know. Has your mom talked to him since the split?
Author child_of_isis Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 No...he left. 3 times in a month. (each time begging to come home). The last time, I called his brothers in with their trucks to come and take it ALL. Yes, he is keeping in close contact with my mother. I think he is thinking that she can help him get me back. He has a good job. He can afford a motel the rest of his life if need be. Of course he was comfortable with the set up. But I wasn't. And he knew that. But what he wanted mattered more to him than what I wanted. One part of me says that I can use this to my advantage. One bit of lee way from me will bring on a full chase from him. I can drive him beserk by just giving him enough of me (platonic) to keep his interest. No sex of course. I have no intention of going there as I haven't yet found out if he were having an A. Really, we didn't have many problems in our R. Except lately he had gotten distance and lost interest in home stuff. Which brings up the possibility of an A. And he developed anger toward me. Especially if I said something about his boozing/leaving me at home. He had done this (boozn with budz) over the past several years and never had anger issues before when approached about it. Most of the time I got remorse.
Author child_of_isis Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 C'mon guys...I need feedback. Do I play the chase game and make him suffer? Or do I just stay out of it?
Keara Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Stay out of it. Your other choices are driven from emotions. You have stated you aren't happy with his behavior, you question if he was faithful to you. You wouldn't be questioning this if he had been completely faithful. The few things you listed as problems are serious problems. He hasn't shown any inclination toward being serious about changing. He's giving you the words you want to hear, but no follow through on action. He's doing exactly as he always has, and you're contemplating responding as you always have. You expressed your problem with his boozing, he expresses remorse or anger (words), you forgive and he repeats his actions. Now.. you express a problem, he's telling you he'll change (words), if you want the pattern to repeat indefinitely then go ahead and play games with him. That's what he wants. He wants attention from you, a reward for his actions. Don't give him any reward (positive or negative) for behaving how he is. This is a game for him. And he'll be happy with any response you give, positive would be preferred, but negative is acceptable. As long as he gets a response.
Author child_of_isis Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Oh wow! good thinking on your part. You are spot on. That's what I need. I really am not able to see all that clearly yet...so I am operating in the dark somewhat. He has been gaslighting me so my reality is still a bit warped. Short story.. he call me friday at 3pm, need to talk about the kid and her car... says he is coming down the highway..his term for he is off work and heading back to town. 3 AM saturday morn he calls my mom and says he worked 16 hours and just got off. Sunday I talk to him and he says that he worked over friday night...he wasn't out... he then went fishing. laid down, couldn't sleep, called mom. I busted him out on it of course..he goes on to say that he was called back to work...(it changed from "worked over" to called back) I have never known him to be "called back" to work. Another point is...he says he went fishing but didn't mention it to mom. His whole point of calling was to find out when she was going fishing. Instead he tells her that he has been at work. See how he is messing with my head? He is keeping me in a state of confusion. None of this is adding up is it? Even when I read it, it confuses me. It makes me think that I am nutz. Gaslighting, I know. But knowing it is gaslighting doesn't stop the confusion.
Recommended Posts