Author Love is Tragic Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 It's a little more complicated than that, Lizzie. She was having an affair herself until the MM stopped calling her, and she wasn't planning to leave her husband then. She thought she was happily married and didn't notice her husband, apparently, wasn't so happily married. Maybe these two need to get the truth out there about their marriage and understand they have more in common than they think. Yes, i was having an affair-i know you think i am being a major hypocrite but let me tell you something else. My husband and i tried out the whole 'open relationship' deal a few months back before i met MM. I had mentioned couples that did it and he decided he wanted to try it out. So we did, and he slept with a couple of girls. This was all fine and dandy as long as the other wasnt kept in the dark about anything. When i slept with another man and told him about it he couldnt handle it, got jealous, and pronounced the end to the open marriage. MM was the first and only man i had been with since the open marriage attempt and yes, i messed up. But lets remember it was H's idea to end the open marriage. So if he is cheating now(when he could be free to do as he pleases) i will leave him. He had the chance to be open and honest with me but his jealousy got in the way. He wants the freedom to do whatever he wants but he doesnt want me to have that same freedom
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 I don't think your husband wanted an open marriage. He just wanted your permission to cheat. 1. This was all fine and dandy as long as the other wasnt kept in the dark about anything. When i slept with another man and told him about it he couldnt handle it, got jealous, and pronounced the end to the open marriage. 2. He wants the freedom to do whatever he wants but he doesnt want me to have that same freedom 1. That isn't what an open marriage is about. It sounds like you had a regular marriage, with permission to cheat behind the other's back. In open marriages in the true sense, there are no secrets like that - everything is out in the open and discussed with the primary partner. Partners are jointly agreed upon or vetoed before the outside relationship is even started, and parameters for the outside relationship are set jointly as well. 2. You'll find that is often the case with men who propose 'open marriage'. What they really want is to sleep with whomever they want, and their wife's permission to do so while keeping the wife at home and monogamous. Rare is it the man who wants a true open marriage where the wife has as much sexual freedom as the husband. Generally speaking the husband will end the 'open marriage' part when he feels threatened, and will continue to cheat anyway with the security of knowing that his wife isn't out there doing it too. What to do now? Bide your time, and gather the evidence you need. It doesn't matter who cheated, or with whom or under what circumstances - what matters now is that the cycle is forcibly broken, and it will take hard evidence to get that process started.
IpAncA Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 I checked his phone a couple weeks ago when he was in the shower, didnt really find anything incriminating though. Although if hes smart(haha) he would have deleted anything suspicious anyway. Ill have to check it again asap. Its hard to do it when hes asleep, we go to be at different times because of the opposite shifts we work, and i would have to sneak into the bedroom and take it off the dresser-he usually stirs when i come into the room so shower is probably better. I'd keep checking and try when he hasn't had the time to erase. If he's planning on taking a shower, the smart thing to do is delete so if anyone picks it up, there's nothing on there. BUT there's always that chance he forgets or gets over confident. I'd also try and follow him and look at phone records to see how slick he is like other's suggested. Maybe these two need to get the truth out there about their marriage and understand they have more in common than they think. Yep. Why not come out and tell him about yours? Ugh...this is messed up and having an open marriage was a bad idea. Sounds to me like he kept on doing what he was doing when you agreed to stop. It's okay for him but not for you. Might be wrong but you never know.
LakesideDream Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Open Marriage? He sleeps with women, you sleep with men, you have an affair with a MM, he might be having an affair with a tight assed waitress.... I'm suprised that the ladies here haven't pointed out that obviously this is not reasonable behavior, for adults raising a child. What's the payoff for staying in this "marriage" anyway?
Lynna Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Sorry to come in late here, busy weekend. I just wanted to let you know that my H showed pretty much ALL the same signs when he had his H. 1.Within the past couple of months, he has acted extremely distant and non-caring, doesnt show me as much affection, comes home from work and sits on the couch, pretty much ignores me most of the time unless we're having sex. My H would actually talk with me about work, including the OW, a lot, and would be all supportive of me in my work which was keeping me busy at night. But the affection, and even the sex stopped or was almost non-existent. Said he was tired, not feeling well, etc. 2. Keeps his cell phone on either silent or vibrate all the time-he says hes just used to having it on vibrate whenever hes at work and whenever im out of earshot hes always texting or on the phone. Ive also noticed an increase in the number of texts he receives. My H started leaving his cell on when we got home. Our cells did not work in our apartment very well so we generally turned them off once home. Our friends knew that at night they should call the home number first. But he would leave his cell right by the door and would go outside to take calls on it, said that it worked better that way. Said that leaving it on just made it easier, people did not have to figure out which number to call. (Like that takes more than 30 seconds!) 3. Has been getting out of the house more on weekends instead of spending time with our daughter and me. (which, she IS in terrible twos and has been a horror, so i cant really blame him for wanting to get out.) Sometimes before hes supposed to go out, he acts really antsy, and is usually waiting on a text or call before he leaves, almost as if hes timing something. ?? My H is generally a stay at home type, once he gets home. I typically have to drag him out of the house on weekends. However, during the H he was suddely out all the time. The group would go for drinks after work, and he would get home later than me (meaning they were out for ~6 hours, at least 3 times a week). Then he was also all of a sudden going out on Sundays too. I really knew something was up when he said on one Sunday that the group plans changed and he and the OW and one other person went shopping at a mall. My H despises malls! And the clincher was when he went to work and then stayed out all day on a holiday, one of the few days we had off together. 4. He gets upset easier(is usually very laid-back) and seems to want to pick fights with me all the time, he claims hes just tired from work(he works a normal work week, very posh job, no hard manual labor, no overtime or long hours, plus he gets plenty of sleep). This is one thing that my H did not do. Though he did have several periods of depression during this time. My H also started asking me for details as to what time I was going to get home each night, and what time I was leaving in the afternoon. My schedule was static, it stayed the same every week. Why he did not write it down, I have no idea. He had never wanted such specifics before. He wanted to know so he knew when they would have the house free. Like you, there was no way I could spy on him during those evenings, I had to be at work and no, I could not get anyone to cover for certain reasons during that time. I KNOW im not crazy, something has definitely shifted. Sorry this was longer than I planned, I just thought it might help if you saw the same things happened for me. You are not crazy! It is a good idea to get the cell phone records, like you said, you can call and request them. It is also a great idea to get a babysitter so that you can go out and see what is up. If you are afraid of him recognizing your car, get a friend to go with you or borrow one from someone. As for the bit about the open marriage, if that is something you both agreed on that is one thing. But if he says, no, you can't do it but I can, then he is just being a hypocrite. He is lying and cheating and that is not something that you do in a healthy marriage. A healthy marriage should be open, honest, and supportive. It does sound like you both might not be quite sure that you really want to spend the rest of your lives together if you are seeking companionship outside of your marriage so much. You are right, for your daughter's sake, maybe it is better to get out and to find your soul mate.
SnowOwlsFlight Posted August 10, 2007 Posted August 10, 2007 As an aside... I'm a UK poster. Can someone explain the term 'gaslighting' please..? Just someone mentioned it on my own thread yesterday and I wasn't sure what it means. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting It's where you make someone think that they're imagining things or going crazy. Such as having someone dress as an alien and show themselves to the person and you, but telling them that you don't see anything.
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