Love is Tragic Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 I suspect my H may be fooling around but dont have any solid proof yet. Here are the 'signs', tell me whether im just paranoid or going crazy or not. 1.Within the past couple of months, he has acted extremely distant and non-caring, doesnt show me as much affection, comes home from work and sits on the couch, pretty much ignores me most of the time unless we're having sex. 2. Keeps his cell phone on either silent or vibrate all the time-he says hes just used to having it on vibrate whenever hes at work and whenever im out of earshot hes always texting or on the phone. Ive also noticed an increase in the number of texts he receives. 3. Has been getting out of the house more on weekends instead of spending time with our daughter and me. (which, she IS in terrible twos and has been a horror, so i cant really blame him for wanting to get out.) Sometimes before hes supposed to go out, he acts really antsy, and is usually waiting on a text or call before he leaves, almost as if hes timing something. ?? 4. He gets upset easier(is usually very laid-back) and seems to want to pick fights with me all the time, he claims hes just tired from work(he works a normal work week, very posh job, no hard manual labor, no overtime or long hours, plus he gets plenty of sleep). I happen to know of a particular couple of girls that he hangs out with on occasion, they work at a restaurant in my town, and it seems like hes always meeting one of his friends there an awful lot. I guess i can start with the cell phone records, even though he pays all of that online, but ill just call and request a copy. I cant really get out and 'spy' because on of us always has to stay home with our daughter. Plus im sure hes not worried about me showing up anywhere for the same reason, and my daughter going to bed at night, so i have to be there. One more thing, right around the time i noticed a change in his behavior, he had asked me if i was off a particular night and said he might go out if i didnt have to work. I said it was fine and asked him if he had any plans. Thats when he mentioned this one girl that he knew from years ago and said they might hang out. Which struck me as odd, because he had never mentioned her before. He says they had sent a few messages back and forth on myspace and what not, so he HAD been chatting with her for a while before he mentioned her. And hes so secretive about his phone and when making plans, tells me nil. Am i just being paranoid? Ive asked him about his behavior, and he acts like nothing has changed, that he doesnt know what im talking about. I KNOW im not crazy, something has definitely shifted.
VinaAmez Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Thats when he mentioned this one girl that he knew from years ago and said they might hang out. Which struck me as odd, because he had never mentioned her before. He says they had sent a few messages back and forth on myspace and what not, so he HAD been chatting with her for a while before he mentioned her. And you didn't freak out over this? You both sound like you've gone separate ways. Why not come out and tell him about yours?
child_of_isis Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 My X pretty much had the same signs before he left. I still don't know if he is having an A. The thing I wish I would have done is just laid low and started snooping. But I started screaming and accusing, not of affairs, but him drinking and hanging out with his budz all of the time....which gave him the excuse (to leave) that he was looking for. Either I am just not the snooping type, or I don't care enough. I'm not sure which. My advice...keep your mouth shut, your eyes and ears open...and snoop until you have solid proof.
Lizzie60 Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 From what I read... I would say that your husband is cheating... I would bet my life on this. Your gut feeling rarely goes wrong on thing like that. You know he's cheating.... you just don't have a solid proof. Why can't you get a baby sitter one night and follow him or hire someone. Even if you confront him about your doubts he will even get nastier and he might uses this as an excuse to go out more. Often, when men have no 'excuses' to go out...they will simulate a 'fight' with the wife...then they have a good 'excuse' to rush out of the house. He's showing a lot of 'signs'...sorry but if I were you, I would get 'ready' and plan your separation.... meaning start to put money (cash) aside, get support from family or friends... etc.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 You are not paranoid or crazy. What you described is classic affair behavior, right down to the mild gaslighting he is doing to you to make this look like you are imagining things. You'll want to look into getting a good keylogger for the computer, and a copy of the phone records. Once you get the evidence you need, then you can go from there. Do you have anyone who could discreetly follow him on his date and get some pictures for you? Can you get someone to watch your daughter and show up there yourself without him seeing you? I wouldn't let on AT ALL that you are wondering what is going on. Stop discussing it with him, stop asking questions- just play dumb and happy for a while. The last thing you want is for him to get suspicious and bury his affair deeper than it already is. You'll catch him eventually.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Well, i didnt freak out about him mentioning that girl out of nowhere because i have male friends, that are JUST friends and if i make a big deal about it, he just throws that in my face. When i brought it up, he said "oh, so you can have guy friends but i cant have girl friends." arrgghhh!! Its driving me crazy and i have to get some solid proof before i go nuts. And you guys are right, if i keep pushing it and questioning it, he will just pull away even more and i will be accused of being the prying and jealous wife, which will make him want to leave even more. So i will start with the phone records and see if i can get a good friend to babysit for me while i 'spy' on him. Only problem is this town is so small that any familiar-looking cars will be easy to spot for him. Although he wont be expecting me to be out and about if im supposed to be home. Oh yeah, last night he turned down sex with me and was waiting on a mutual friend of ours to call so they could go out. But his friend had his g/f with him which seems kindof weird that he would want to be a 5th wheel. Plus he doesnt even like the girl,which makes me wonder if he maybe has a mystery date when they go out. Our mutual friend says nothing is going on of course, not sure if he would tell me the truth or not. Plus, H was being a complete ass last night, would not tell me his plans or anything. Said he was probably going 'riding around' and just 'hang out', but i know for a fact that our friend and his g/f were going to the strip club, and i asked H if he was going, he said no.(i could care less if he went, not a big deal to me). But if he didnt go, where was he? He didnt get home until almost 3am and left the house at 11. ???
Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 One thing I have learned recently is if your instincts tell you something is up...chances are something is up. If you think he's cheating and you do seen to have some pretty concrete signs there, it is likely that if he isn't cheating, he's certainly doing something which he doesn't want you knowing about. As an aside... I'm a UK poster. Can someone explain the term 'gaslighting' please..? Just someone mentioned it on my own thread yesterday and I wasn't sure what it means.
Lizzie60 Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 now ...come on... you don't really need a solid proof.. just get ready to leave... he IS cheating and it's quite obvious. I just don't understand why women absolutely need THE proof when they have tons of 'subtle' hints... I would kick him to the curb ASAP. For me... last night would have been THE proof. Why don't you go out together... What if you would have mentioned to him that you already called a babysitter and you're going with him and that other couple... then what do you think would happen?
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Hmm, im not really sure what he would have done-he probably wouldnt have bought it because i had to be at work at 7 this morning, so i definitely wouldnt be staying out late. But thats a good suggestion for maybe next weekend when i wont be working the morning shift. Of course id like to give him the benefit of the doubt on this, and when you have children(we have one) you cant jump the gun and just assume things when you dont know for sure. It takes time and i need the actual proof so i can plan out what will happen next. But if he is cheating, id like to leave soon, before my daughter really remembers any of it.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 One thing I have learned recently is if your instincts tell you something is up...chances are something is up. If you think he's cheating and you do seen to have some pretty concrete signs there, it is likely that if he isn't cheating, he's certainly doing something which he doesn't want you knowing about. As an aside... I'm a UK poster. Can someone explain the term 'gaslighting' please..? Just someone mentioned it on my own thread yesterday and I wasn't sure what it means. Gaslighting is really just a term for simple warnings. You know, the gas light comes on in your car to warn you that youre about to run out of gas if you dont get to the gas station. The calm before the storm, before all hell breaks loose. The 'gas lights' im seeing in my husbands behavior are alerting me that not all is well
child_of_isis Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 No. Gaslighting is a term used for manipulating reality. The true reality is that he is having an affair. Well, he doesn't want you in that reality. He will say or do whatever it takes to convince you that your thinking is defective. He wants you to start rationalizing his behavior so that you will think it is your problem and not his. (I'm not giving him enough sex, I work too much, I'm too busy, blah blah) Because that is exactly what he is doing in his own mind. That is where he wants you to be. The same place that his mind is. He wants you to believe his lies over your own instincts and logic.
Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Ah. Oh Yeah my ex did enough of that alright...although I'm only clearly seeing it now.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Ok, thanks. Sorry, i think i was stating the obvious, lol. Well then he definitely does his fair share of 'gaslighting' then. By getting defensive or acting like he doesnt know what im talking about whenever i bring an issue up. Always tries to turn it around on me instead of just answering the question. Always has. Like he really is trying to make me feel like i am crazy, make me doubt myself.
child_of_isis Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Yeah, it is pretty much about..."hey, your reality is not working for me. I'm coming out the bad guy here. Get in this one... where I don't have take responsibility for my own actions" If you are starting to see clearly now, that means that his reality is losing it's hold on you and your own is taking over. It's a good place to be.Ah. Oh Yeah my ex did enough of that alright...although I'm only clearly seeing it now.
IpAncA Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 It does sound like he's messing around and I would dig deeper to see. But it's sooooo obvious what he's doing because he stinks at it. He's not even hiding it and it's clear he's not into the marriage.
child_of_isis Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 This is the core premise of gaslighting. You nailed it. Like he really is trying to make me feel like i am crazy, make me doubt myself.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Lets face it, men are NOT good at hiding things at ALL. I just talked to H and he says he 'rode around' all night, even though before he left the house he said he had a bad leg cramp all day,so how was he riding his motorcycle all night then? When i brought it up he said that it started feeling better before he left, how convenient! I should have checked the mileage on the bike before he left and checked it after to see if he had ridden it much. And he was really sweet on the phone when he called me just now at work. It seems so freakin obvious and yet i have no solid proof as of yet. but ill get it. no doubt about it.
IpAncA Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Honestly, I'd follow him around and if it's this obvious, check his phone while while he's sleeping or in the shower. Maybe he's as stupid as I think and didn't erase anything.
Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 If you are starting to see clearly now, that means that his reality is losing it's hold on you and your own is taking over. It's a good place to be. Yeah I know. Thanks - that made me feel a bit better. The more I read and recognise my situation in other people's stories, the less I feel like I'm losing my marbles.
Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Lets face it, men are NOT good at hiding things at ALL. I just talked to H and he says he 'rode around' all night, even though before he left the house he said he had a bad leg cramp all day,so how was he riding his motorcycle all night then? When i brought it up he said that it started feeling better before he left, how convenient! I should have checked the mileage on the bike before he left and checked it after to see if he had ridden it much. And he was really sweet on the phone when he called me just now at work. It seems so freakin obvious and yet i have no solid proof as of yet. but ill get it. no doubt about it. Sorry, are you saying he was out ALL NIGHT..??? Cos um, you don't need much more proof than that.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Sorry, are you saying he was out ALL NIGHT..??? Cos um, you don't need much more proof than that. He left around 11 and wasnt back until 2:30 or so. Thats what time he came to bed anyway, not sure if he was home before that or not. Him being out isnt really the problem, we take turns who goes out and who stays home to babysit fairly often, in this case i had to go to bed early anyway,so he went out.
norajane Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 now ...come on... you don't really need a solid proof.. just get ready to leave... he IS cheating and it's quite obvious. I just don't understand why women absolutely need THE proof when they have tons of 'subtle' hints... I would kick him to the curb ASAP. For me... last night would have been THE proof. Why don't you go out together... What if you would have mentioned to him that you already called a babysitter and you're going with him and that other couple... then what do you think would happen? It's a little more complicated than that, Lizzie. She was having an affair herself until the MM stopped calling her, and she wasn't planning to leave her husband then. She thought she was happily married and didn't notice her husband, apparently, wasn't so happily married. Maybe these two need to get the truth out there about their marriage and understand they have more in common than they think.
Author Love is Tragic Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Honestly, I'd follow him around and if it's this obvious, check his phone while while he's sleeping or in the shower. Maybe he's as stupid as I think and didn't erase anything. I checked his phone a couple weeks ago when he was in the shower, didnt really find anything incriminating though. Although if hes smart(haha) he would have deleted anything suspicious anyway. Ill have to check it again asap. Its hard to do it when hes asleep, we go to be at different times because of the opposite shifts we work, and i would have to sneak into the bedroom and take it off the dresser-he usually stirs when i come into the room so shower is probably better.
Lizzie60 Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 It's a little more complicated than that, Lizzie. She was having an affair herself until the MM stopped calling her, and she wasn't planning to leave her husband then. She thought she was happily married and didn't notice her husband, apparently, wasn't so happily married. Maybe these two need to get the truth out there about their marriage and understand they have more in common than they think. she did!... I didn't know... In this case, what's good for one is good for the other... that's my motto. Oh well... I don't have patience anymore for people like that... I guess they deserve each other... I'm out of here...
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