solo_flyer Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Hello ... I am posting here because I'm really worried and looking for some help/advice. Here is the story: Last Thursday night (3 days ago) I got a call from my mom. She was in tears. My dad basically stated that he was unsatisfied with how his life is going and he walked out the door as she was serving dinner. He had packed up all of his things and he's living somewhere else now. My mom had been out of town for a few days before that so my dad used that time to set up his exit. I'm still in shock and really angry. I moved out of my parents' place about 1 year ago so I really didn't have a chance to notice their environment going sour. However I have younger siblings (1 still a minor) who still lived with them. As to why he left, I don't have a complete answer but my mother and I suspect it is because he got involved with some "new age" religious activities some years ago, and he feels like his normal family life is preventing him from pursuing his spiritual goals. He is VERY involved with his religious activities and it's practically the only thing he's done since he retired. I talked to my dad the next morning on his cell phone... he sounded like he was in good spirits. He claims that it's purely an issue between him and my mom and he still wants to be on good terms with me and my siblings. I think that this is an incredibly BS answer because you can't just abandon your wife and then expect to be on the same terms with the children you made with her. My dad says that it's very unlikely he will ever live with my mom again and there's a good chance they could get divorced. At this point what I know is that I'm determined not to be like my dad in this respect. It is incredibly selfish to make a family and then go on your merry way if it doesn't suit what you want to do with your life. Having the freedom to do something like that is what you trade when you get married and enjoy the benefits of having a family. I'm single now but if I was to get married, there's no way I would want to inflict this on my wife/children. If you're still here with me at this point, thank you so much for reading. I said I was looking for help/advice, so here are some specific things I hope you could answer: 1. What do you think my priorities should be at this point? I'm thinking the next I should do is sit down with mom and help her get the household finances and management in order. She does not know how to handle a whole household's finances so I will have to start her on that. 2. How do you think I should act toward my father? Is there any benefit in expressing my anger about his actions to him? 3. Should I try to help my parents get back together? Or is that just sticking my nose where it does not belong? Thank you for reading.
Ladyjane14 Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 1. What do you think my priorities should be at this point? I'm thinking the next I should do is sit down with mom and help her get the household finances and management in order. She does not know how to handle a whole household's finances so I will have to start her on that. That sounds like a really good plan. However... it's not YOUR place to 'make the bills'. If money is tight or short, your mom needs to take that up with your dad. She'd do well to see an attorney and find out what her legal rights are. She'll probably feel better knowing that. 2. How do you think I should act toward my father? Is there any benefit in expressing my anger about his actions to him? If your dad wants to give you a REAL answer and talk to you like an adult... then by all means, meet his conversation AS an adult. If he wants to treat you like a kid who doesn't deserve to be in his "inner circle", one who's going to accept a childish answer like "it's purely an issue between me and your mom"... he can't exactly expect you to see it his way then, can he? 3. Should I try to help my parents get back together? Or is that just sticking my nose where it does not belong? Nope. There's nothing you can do.
Curmudgeon Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 1. What do you think my priorities should be at this point? I'm thinking the next I should do is sit down with mom and help her get the household finances and management in order. She does not know how to handle a whole household's finances so I will have to start her on that. 2. How do you think I should act toward my father? Is there any benefit in expressing my anger about his actions to him? 3. Should I try to help my parents get back together? Or is that just sticking my nose where it does not belong? The ex left me after 25 years. We had five children. Two were still minors (ages five and nine) when she left. As for your questions: 1) By all means help your mother if she needs it. That will give both of you some peace of mind. Involve your father to the extent that he knows of the financial situation, will have to pay child support for your minor sibling, and should, and may well be on the hook for spousal support as well. Fist stop is an attorney to explain your mother's rights, fiduciary and otherwise. 2) He's still your father. Depending upon your relationship with him I'd express upset, concern and disappointment as opposed to anger. Don't burn your bridges, just yet. 3) Absolutely NOT. They're adults. This is between them. Don't put yourself in the middle. It's their relationship, or not!
Author solo_flyer Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 Thanks for your comments both of you. I visited mom today and I will sleep a little better knowing that immediate household affairs are in order. I made sure the furnace, water softener and car maintenance are up to date, and went through some other money/billing things with her. If it does come to divorce there probably won't be alimony paid out since she now earns a lot more than dad and my minor sibling won't be a minor for very long. This is just the first step in something I predict will be very big. I received a lot more information on my dad's recent actions and it all seems beyond nonsensical... I am wondering if he has become mentally ill or if his involvement in his "new age" religion has overtaken his rational judgement. Only time will tell. Thank you again for reading.
Author solo_flyer Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 I am pleased to report that my dad has approached my mom about finding alternate solutions. They've started to go to counselling appts so I am hopeful that things are on the mend again. Thanks again to everyone who read my post.
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 I'm afraid there is absolutely nothing you can do about this whole situation. That matter is between your parents... not with children. 1. What do you think my priorities should be at this point? I'm thinking the next I should do is sit down with mom and help her get the household finances and management in order. She does not know how to handle a whole household's finances so I will have to start her on that. Yes support your mom and help her with any issues she can have regarding the divorce. 2. How do you think I should act toward my father? Is there any benefit in expressing my anger about his actions to him? I know you are angry with your father, but you don't know the whole story... you can have a talk with him and express your anger but don't reject him. 3. Should I try to help my parents get back together? Or is that just sticking my nose where it does not belong? No... this is not really your business, you don't know the whole story... I doubt they will discuss that with you... your mom might, but you'll get her side of the story... it's not fair to your dad. and I doubt your dad will be as open to discuss his problems with you. For the time being, support your mother through this. I've read somewhere that there seem to be more and more divorce for couples with over 20 years marriage... for all kind of reasons... weird.
Author solo_flyer Posted July 28, 2007 Author Posted July 28, 2007 I'm afraid there is absolutely nothing you can do about this whole situation. That matter is between your parents... not with children. 1. What do you think my priorities should be at this point? I'm thinking the next I should do is sit down with mom and help her get the household finances and management in order. She does not know how to handle a whole household's finances so I will have to start her on that. Yes support your mom and help her with any issues she can have regarding the divorce. 2. How do you think I should act toward my father? Is there any benefit in expressing my anger about his actions to him? I know you are angry with your father, but you don't know the whole story... you can have a talk with him and express your anger but don't reject him. 3. Should I try to help my parents get back together? Or is that just sticking my nose where it does not belong? No... this is not really your business, you don't know the whole story... I doubt they will discuss that with you... your mom might, but you'll get her side of the story... it's not fair to your dad. and I doubt your dad will be as open to discuss his problems with you. For the time being, support your mother through this. I've read somewhere that there seem to be more and more divorce for couples with over 20 years marriage... for all kind of reasons... weird. Thanks, but I suggest you read the post right above yours.
Lizzie60 Posted July 28, 2007 Posted July 28, 2007 Thanks, but I suggest you read the post right above yours. When you posted I was writing mine...so there is no way I could see it.. But good for them if he decided to try MC... Good luck to them!
Author solo_flyer Posted October 5, 2007 Author Posted October 5, 2007 Well it seems that some things just don't go your way ... My dad finally decided that he's not coming back, so he and my mom are splitting up their assets. My mom is going to have some mountain of debt so I am looking into taking out a term life insurance policy just in case.
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