loquaciousl Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Hi all, So this post regards a guy I am dating at the moment. I met him about 6 or 7 mos. ago on a popular internet site. We physically met about a month ago and from the minute we sat down to breakfast, we clicked. Since then, we've seen each other a number of times, and each time we hang out we become closer. I am a 29 y.o. female and he is 33. Anyhow, he makes me feel safe, protected, he's thoughtful, loving, and caring. We have a lot of fun together and we are very comfortable around each other. Here's the rub: We are compatible in many ways. We get along quite well and people say that it should be "easy", and it is. We communicate well, and when we leave it's incredibly difficult. We just really enjoy each other's company and I can undoubtedly say I haven't felt this way in a long time. However, there are two things that bother me about this situation: One is that he lives at home with his parents. Now, he moved in about a year ago from KS after a really ugly divorce. Secondly, he's a shuttle driver for a living. I have asked him about if he likes the job and he says "It's a job." He told me its a means to an end for him. He doesn't see doing this forever and I guess it makes good money but it bugs me that's what he does. I am a teacher who has always known what I wanted to do and I have my own place. I am also from a family that is judgmental about these sorts of things and I think I am more worried about what they would think. I guess I think I am being superficial...we are still getting to know each other but I have to tell you it feels so right to me it's scary. It's that feeling of connectedness I don't feel with a lot of men and like I said, each time we see each other we get closer and closer. So my question is what do I do? Is it too early to care? These things are nagging at me and a bit complicated but at the same time he's quite wonderful. Insight would be appreciated.
HokeyReligions Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Nobody cares. Not everyone knows what they want to do when they grow up. If you think that makes them less of a person and not good enough for you - then drop him. Have some jollies and go looking for someone you think is better. Let him find someone who respects him and who he can respect. Superficial? yeah, some people are. You sound like you are so why not just own up to it and look for someone who is a match to that. I mean, if you even have to ask then.....
jcster Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Kansas to SoCal is a BIG move! It's also a financially steep slope. If he just got divorced a year ago - then he's been in even more flux. He's got a job, he gets along with his folks - you like him - what's the big hairy deal? You're pretty lucky to have found what you want to do by your age. Hell, I'm 41 and I still don't know what I want to be when (if) I grow up! It's only a big deal if you make it one...my advice - don't look in the mouth of gift horses handed to you by the universe.
Trialbyfire Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 For both your sakes, if it bothers you a lot, best to move on. Unless you're willing to make a core change with your values, superficial or otherwise, your concerns will not lessen. You also can't control or change who he is.
Driver Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 It bothers me greatly that everyone claims you are being superficial. You want a man you can respect and look up to. You work hard and are responsible, and you want someone who is the same. I am sure it is not that he lives at home with his parents or works as a driver, it's what is signifies for you. Does it signify that he may not be as responsible or ambitious as you need? It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with him, or that you're "better" than him. It just means you were looking for something different. Everyone has this fairytale mentality about relationships and love. That's why we have so many divorces nowadays. Everyone says, "Marry only for love! It doesn't matter what's on paper!" But in reality, as sad as this is, it DOES matter. These supposedly small and superficial issues will be big issues later on in marriage. It is best to marry someone with a similiar background, religion, and level of energy and ambition in order to make a marriage work. Of course, the other factors (like how you connect with the person) are far more important, but the so-called "superficial" factors matter more than you think. People might give you crap for feeling the way you do, but I know from experience. I stayed with this guy for four years. I loved him with all my heart, but it just wouldn't work. I am ambitious and hardworking and enjoy getting ahead. He just likes to coast along and doesn't seem to value education or hard work as much as I do. It caused A LOT of problems in the relationship. We had different energy levels. He wanted to stay home all the time; I wanted to go out with him. He would have been fine just working to "get by," but with me it was so different. It was a constant struggle for us. If you want to make this work with this guy, I think that's great. You just need to re-examine your values and figure out what your heart is really telling you. I know how hard this struggle between your heart and your head can be.
halfarock Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 I don’t think that you are being superficial either. That he sees his job as just a job, that perhaps what he does isn’t any more important than the fact that he gets paid for it, it shows a certain type of person. I’m not impressed by such people either. Why one person becomes say, a doctor and another becomes, say a cashier, has a lot to do with the kind of person that they are. It’s a legitimate concern.
Yamaha Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 For both your sakes, if it bothers you a lot, best to move on. Unless you're willing to make a core change with your values, superficial or otherwise, your concerns will not lessen. You also can't control or change who he is. I agree. If you can't accept his education/job or your worried about your parents opinion of him then it will cause a rift in your relationship. Just because you care for someone/maybe even love them doesn't mean the relationship would work over the long haul. If you didn't give a damn about his job or what your parents thought then you might have a chance but only if you can accept him as he is.
garnet Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 I think your concerns are legitimate. The key is, are these things just a result of the fallout of his divorce and move, or are they likely to be longterm? The fact that he's a driver in and of itself isn't a big deal. It's what his ideals and aspirations are for the long term that really matter. If he is always going to be willing to do whatever and coast along, that would certainly be a problem for me, because it's a big incompatibility issue. You really haven't known him for very long, so I'd spend some time trying to figure these things out before you abandon ship. A year out of a messy divorce isn't very long, and he may just be in a state of flux while he figures himself out.
Trialbyfire Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 I agree. If you can't accept his education/job or your worried about your parents opinion of him then it will cause a rift in your relationship. Just because you care for someone/maybe even love them doesn't mean the relationship would work over the long haul. If you didn't give a damn about his job or what your parents thought then you might have a chance but only if you can accept him as he is. Exactly. Time only exacerbates core issues.
electric_sheep Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 Why one person becomes say, a doctor and another becomes, say a cashier, has a lot to do with the kind of person that they are. It’s a legitimate concern. I whole heartedly disagree with this. Just because someone doesn't accept our capitalistic value system does not make them less of a person. By your reasoning, the vast majority of people on planet Earth don't impress you, I suppose. Certainly a rickshaw driver in Calcutta doesn't. Not everyone believes that the purpose of life is to collect and use as many of the planets resources as possible before one dies. I am a metaphysical nihilist, by which I mean I believe life has no intrinsic purpose in and of itself, and we must fashion that purpose ourselves. Some people derive a great deal of happiness and peace from a simple lifesytle. Others crave social standing, monetary reward, or exitement. No one way is better than another. If you disagree, could you point out your measuring stick, why you use it, and why you think it is the only one? To the OP, I think your values and purpose may be different from his (but maybe not! Try asking him.). Their is nothing superficial about this being of concern to you. It's your life, you make the rules! You should talk to him about it, though. Maybe he is more "traditionally" ambitious than it appears. (It's really hard to shake the capitalist measuring stick in our society, it is so beat into us) Then again, maybe he is perfectly happy with his job. Consider too, people go through phases and cycles. Perhaps he is coming out of hibernation.
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