alasia Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Hi, first of all if you've read my posts in the past, you'll probably be sick to death of my whinging and whining. I am too, but please bear with me and offer some advice if you can. I saw my ex on Tuesday; he was supposed to meet me to bring some of my things over the previous day but he didn't turn up, so my stepfather and I went to see him at work (he's a bus driver, for anyone that doesn't know). We couldn't find him anwhere; he wasn't on the buses we thought he'd be on, so my stepdad left and 5 mimutes later just as I was about to catch my bus back home, I saw my ex. Long story short, I ended up going with him on his bus - he agreed to get off the bus when it was empty at the end of his shift (the bus goes through his home town, 2 minutes from his house) and pick up my stuff. He changed his mind once we'd got to his town, and kept asking why I'd bothered to go with him on the bus! He knew why...to get my things. Anyway we got back to the bus depot and he said he'd take me in his car to his house & pick up my stuff, he did and he gave me a lift home. During the time on the bus and in the car, we got on quite well but he said and did a lot of things that annoyed me, such as: * kept staring at my boobs, blatantly! And mentioning how big they've become since I got pregnant (ugh) * I started venting in the car at one point, saying how uncomfortable I am and can't do anything I want to anymore - he mentioned something about sex and I said I can't even do that anymore as last time I tried, I ended up in hospital with contractions! He immediately asked who I'd had sex with. * He kept mentioning a male friend of mine that he's convinced I've slept with. He brought his name up at least 3 times in the 2 hours I was with him (things like we were driving past where he lives and my ex pointed the house out, saying "your friend lives there, doesn't he?). * I started talking about how I'd got a tattoo, he said "oh, and you say you have no money!". I told him I'd got a bit of a discount and my ex said "how did you get that? Did you s**g him?" Is it just me, or does he have no right to critisise or question my sex life like that?! He was the jealous type when we were together, but I don't think that's his problem now - I did mention I was seeing someone else (in the context of trying to reassure him that I was over him, and not trying to win him back - I was worried that was what he'd think) and he said "so you're seeing someone - good on you!". He also refused to let me stay over at his place that night (I was hinting at it, because I thought we needed to talk and it's difficult in the car) because he feels uncomfortable when I'm there - or when anyone's there apparently, as he says he likes being on his own. It also annoys me that he seems so detached from the fact I'm pregnant - he prodded my stomach jokingly while I was collecting my stuff, kept looking at my tummy and saying how it's 'coming along' (I'm 31 weeks pregnant now), but then he asked what th baby's surname would be and if I'd chosen names, like it was nothing to do with him! Like I was a friend that was pregnant, and he wasn't related to the baby at all. That hurts. There are so many things I want to say to him and it annoys me that he keeps making me feel bad for trying to talk to him. He makes me feel like I'm boring him or bugging him by trying to talk about stuff to do with the baby - even his sister said "let him get on with his life" a few weeks ago! But that's the thing; he DOES get to live his life the same way as he always has, with no responsibility and never having to see his kids. My life will change completely and I don't think it's fair that he can get off scot-free. He's even saying he wants a dna test and will stop work if/when I try to claim child suport, so why shouldn't I be able to put my point across to him?! Am I unreasonable/being selfish to think that if he's never going to want to see this baby, he hasn't shown any support and barely any interest for the past 8 months (except when it's suited him) and he's even had me in court on harassment charges (purely for seeing him once or twice a week to try and talk about baby-related issues), the leats he can do is hear me out? I'm sick of feeling like I'm getting in his way; if I catch his bus (once in a blue moon) I feel like I'm crowding him, I'm changing my plans all the time to avoid him feeling uncomfortable (by seeing me), I try to avoid talking about anything baby-related, asking him to show a bit of support or if he'll want to see the baby, and I'm constantly walking on egg shells with him, because I'm scared that if I say the wrong thing, he'll end up disliking me even more than he does now. I just want to put my point across! This has ended up more of a rant than anything you can offer advice to, but if you can think of anything to say, feel free
Kamille Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Wow there's a lot of stuff to unpack in your post. First thing, did you speak to a professional about your legal rights in this situation? I agree with you that it is frustrating that he is not more involved in the baby's life but it's clear by what you say that you shouldn't be the one trying to sort it out. Is it just me, or does he have no right to critisise or question my sex life like that?! Not just you, he has no right to question your sex life. In fact, it sounds like he is using sex to manipulate you and toy with your self-esteem. That makes him an A-hole. He also refused to let me stay over at his place that night (I was hinting at it, because I thought we needed to talk and it's difficult in the car) Why would you want to stay over his place? How difficult is it to talk in the car? Sorry hon, but that sounds like rubbish to me. Staying at his place would have only brought on more complications, more of you trying to interpret his actions and meanings. Deep down you know this.You might even have been hoping that he would have slept with you. Don't confuse sexual interests for actually caring. This is how this guy keeps you in a bad bind and I remember that in past post, you would keep yourself from moving on because you confused sex for care. There are so many things I want to say to him and it annoys me that he keeps making me feel bad for trying to talk to him. He makes me feel like I'm boring him or bugging him by trying to talk about stuff to do with the baby - even his sister said "let him get on with his life" a few weeks ago! But that's the thing; he DOES get to live his life the same way as he always has, with no responsibility and never having to see his kids. My life will change completely and I don't think it's fair that he can get off scot-free. He's even saying he wants a dna test and will stop work if/when I try to claim child suport, so why shouldn't I be able to put my point across to him?! Am I unreasonable/being selfish to think that if he's never going to want to see this baby, he hasn't shown any support and barely any interest for the past 8 months (except when it's suited him) and he's even had me in court on harassment charges (purely for seeing him once or twice a week to try and talk about baby-related issues), the leats he can do is hear me out? You are not being selfish, far from it, but you are not grasping the ugly reality of the situation. NO HE WILL NOT HEAR YOU OUT. Stop trying. Instead, get legal help. He will hear that out. I'm sick of feeling like I'm getting in his way; if I catch his bus (once in a blue moon) I feel like I'm crowding him, I'm changing my plans all the time to avoid him feeling uncomfortable (by seeing me), I try to avoid talking about anything baby-related, asking him to show a bit of support or if he'll want to see the baby, and I'm constantly walking on egg shells with him, because I'm scared that if I say the wrong thing, he'll end up disliking me even more than he does now. I just want to put my point across! Honey, the guy is being such an A** that the last of your worries should be wether or not he will dislike you more. Your desire for him to like him is another thing he is using to his advantage to manipulate the situation. I don't know how GB is set up, but I'm pretty sure they must have a public legal system if you can't afford to hire a lawyer. It takes longer, but you need to know your rights here. This guy will not reason with you... you do realize that right?
Author alasia Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Thanks, I do understand that he won't reason with me,but I'm confused as to what you mean when you mention the legal stuff- as far as I can see (and excuse me for being a bit thick here) - there is no legal stuff to sort out. I can get child support - in fact, as I'm on benefits at the moment (maternity allowance until I go back to work), I have to declare who the father of the baby is so a child support is claim is automatically started on my behalf. The only way I can stop that going through, is if there's proof that there will be 'distress or harm caused to the child' if a claim goes through. So. Child support will be started, knowing the system in this country (lots of delays!), it will be months or even years before my claim even goes through, meanwhile Phil will delay things on his side by requesting a dna test on the baby. The money I eventually get will be around £28.50 per week, but I may only see around half of that, as the rest will be taken in tax etc. Phil won't have to pay anymore money than he is now; he's currently paying £50 per week for his other child, and once my claim goes through then that £50, instead of all going to Michelle (the 'other' mother), half will go to me and half to her. Phil is bound to stop working anyway once my claim goes through, meaning he'll only have to pay the standard £5 per week. There's no other legal stuff; obviously I can't 'force' him to see the baby or to contact me - so basically I do what everyone else has done and disappear, leave him to his life while I'm bringing up our child. If he sees me around he'll say hi but that will be it - if he doesn't see his son, he won't be too bothered about it. The thing is, I WANT him to be bothered. The annoying thing is that now he's got the court case thing going on with me; after saying I was 'harassing' him, he's now agreeing to what I want (on the surface at least) and agreeing to meet up and talk! I know he probbaly won't actually ever meet up, but the fact he's saying he will really annoys me - if only he'd said that BEFORE he got me arrested! Not just you, he has no right to question your sex life. In fact, it sounds like he is using sex to manipulate you and toy with your self-esteem. That makes him an A-hole. What do you mean by this? How is he manipulating me (or hoping to) and how is he toying with my self esteem? I felt like he was trying to make me feel like sex is all I'm good for - like I'm just an object to be used - and/or a whore that uses sex to get discounts! Is that what you meant? Oh - and the reason I wanted to stay over, is because the only time I get to see him, is on his bus (and I can't really talk to him there because A - other passengers don't like it when you're distracting the driver! and B - I don't like everyone hearing my business) or in the car. And it's hard to talk in the car because he doesn't talk back! I like being listened to but all that happens in the car, is I ramble on and on, he stares straight ahead and never says anything because he's concentrating on the road. Or that's what he says, anyway. If he'd meet me during the day for a coffee or something, I'd prefer it - but he works from 2pm and is too busy ferrying his mother around every morning, he goes out on a sunday (that's non-negotiable!) so that just leaves a Monday - when he usually works until 4pm and then rushes home to the pub. He'd probably give me an hour to talk, but would constantly be looking at his watch, making me feel rushed. After he finishes work is really the only time I feel I'd get his full attention - and as he finishes after midnight, I wouldn't be able to get home again (the last bus or train home is at 11.05pm), so staying over is the only option.
Author alasia Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Honey, the guy is being such an A** that the last of your worries should be wether or not he will dislike you more. Your desire for him to like him is another thing he is using to his advantage to manipulate the situation. Forgot to say; I agree with you that he's using the fact I want him to 'like' me to his advantage; but it's not that I want him to like ME as such, it's just that I'd feel guilty if he ended up not seeing this baby for the sole reason that he hates me. Does that make any sense?
nittygritty Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't think your going to get anywhere trying to talk to him. If he quits his job they will base child support on minimum wage. At least that is what they usually do. It will be based on what was on his last years tax return until next years filing. In most states in the US anyway. He is trying to intimidate you and you don't need that at this point in your life. You know that he is not going to be there for you or the baby, so you don't need to keep revisiting the issue by hoping that he has changed. If you will accept the fact that ultimately you are going to be the only one responsible for your baby it will be easier to gather your strength for the task at hand. You need to take care of yourself. Don't get a tattoo while your pregnant. If your keeping the baby why not use that money to go shopping for something for the baby or just save it.
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