Trying to communicate . . .

[Chamari]

So, at the begining of the summer I told my bf that I wanted to take a break to work out my own issues and feelings and he was okay with that, very supportive and all so that was cool. We agreed to keep in touch (as we're currently in different states) mostly through IM since as poor college students we can't afford LD phone bills. That was working pretty good for a while although it was a bit messy at first. I think I managed to work out a lot of what I was trying to and have been feeling pretty good about that. Anyways, as it happens, in the past I've found myself getting annoyed when we'd be chatting and he would be lagging because he was talking to someone else as well/doing something else on his computer. I mentioned it a few times and whenever I did, he'd stop doing whatever it was and then we'd actually get a conversation going and it was fine. However, everytime that happens it makes me feel like he doesn't really have any interest in talking to me and even if he quits it because I brought it up, I feel like I shouldn't have to sit there and ask for his attention. If he doesn't want to talk to me, then he shouldn't, but if he does want to talk to me, I want him to show it by paying some attention to me.

 

This all came to a head for me last night when after chatting with him for over two hours I simply got fed up with talking about things I could talk to anyone about and doing it in a disconnected way at that. And I didn't tell him anything about this because since we're on a break and we did agree to be just friends for at least the summer, I feel like I don't have the right to demand more if that makes sense. But if going to be any chance of us having a relationship again then I think he needs to know how I'm really feeling about all this now because I can feel myself distancing myself from him and before too much longer there's not going to be any kind of chance.

 

So, thinking about all this, I wrote a note that I'm not sure if I should send or not. Maybe I'm overreacting. I dunno. So, if people could read over this and give me your honest reactions I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

 

 

I've been trying to just relax and let things happen as the will, but I'm going insane here. To be blunt, I don't feel like you want me--at least, not enough to put some effort in to it. Maybe you've been trying not to push me, but the result is that it feels like I'm the one left pushing and I can't play that role. It leaves me completely unsure of what I'm doing and makes me feel like I'm bothering/pestering you and like maybe you'd just decided to go with the flow because you knew that I liked you. I hate feeling like that. And it's just getting to be too much, because as I write this, I'm hating that feeling, feeling guilty for feeling like that, and upset that I feel guilty for admitting to how I feel. It's driving me insane.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that what I feel about things is how they actually are, but it is how I feel. And the more I feel like this, the more inclined I am to retreat and draw back into my shell. I don't really want to, but it's something of an instinctive reaction. Guess it's my way of protecting myself.

 

We 'talked' for over two hours last night but I still feel like I haven't talked to you in weeks. And the longer that goes on, the less I feel like it's going to happen and the further I retreat so that I can handle that.

I really wanted to talk to you last night and it never happened. And while it would seem like you wanted to talk to me, it didn't feel like it. And so, since it liked like you were busy with other things, I did other things too until I just got fed up with how little we were actually talking about. In two hours, I can't think of anything that we talked about that couldn't have been said to anyone, and two hours of that is a bit much for me. Particularly when I feel like I'm the one doing most of the talking.

I love that you can be such a great listener, but it's not much fun to have a one-way conversation. I know that you'll answer things if I ask, but even then, more often than not your responses stay pretty short and I wind up feeling like I really have to push to get you talking and I don't like to push people.

 

I know that you're busy with work and family stuff and all so I understand when you can't talk, or that you'll be tired by the time you can, but when you're talking to me and talking to someone else/doing something else at the same time, to me that says that you don't really care whether you talk to me or not--kind of a 'I'm curious about how you're doing/I like chatting with you, but I don't really care if I talk to you today or next week' vibe. That's not quite the right way to describe it but it's close. And it hurts so I pull back just a little bit more.

 

This has bothered me before in bits and pieces but this last week just pushed me a little too far. I've been debating if I should tell you all this or not because right now I feel like I have no right to be upset about this and it's simply my own issue to work through. And if nothing ever happened between us in the future that I think that would be true. Otherwise though, I think it's important that you have some idea what's going on on my side of things. Because right now I can feel myself pulling back and distancing myself from you and that bothers me.

 

I'm sorry if this comes off as being kind of harsh but it's how I've been feeling and I can't think of a better way to put things. Sorry.

[Trialbyfire]

In all honesty Chamari, I wouldn't send that. It will corner him which will cause a defensive reaction, whether he intends it or not. Effectively, you will push him away.

 

Although I do understand the feeling of frustration you're having from uncertainty, if you don't want to ask for/demand attention, don't. Give him some space and see if he pursues.

 

Your self-defense mechanisms are already acting up with the slow distancing of your emotions. As time goes on and if he doesn't pursue, you will have accomplished the weaning process without an all-out dust-up.

[Chamari]

Thanks. After taking the time to think about it at work today, I'd say that I agree with you that I shouldn't actually send it, but I think it was good for me to get it out of my head anyways. So thank you loveshack for giving me a place to vent all my frustrating thoughts. :/

[Trialbyfire]

Absolutely, it's worthwhile to write it down. When you read it afterwards, you realize, yes, I want to do this or no, this leaves me feeling way to vulnerable. Good luck Chamari.

[sao2]

To be honest with you, I am speaking from the other side, ex asked for a break recently. I am sorry if I seem a bit harsh with you.

 

Ask yourself what you expect from him and yourself during this "break".

 

When you ask for a break from the relationship you will always put the other person on defensive. He is already sort of defending his pride. He doesn't want to be there for you "too much" because you asked for space.

 

If you send this I think you will push him further away. He will be left wondering what you want from him. I could even imagine him getting really upset about it.

 

You have to do the opposite. If you want him to engage in the conversation more I think you should start by asking more questions. If you want more information, ask for it. If you want him to be more engaged in the conversation ask him if the connection is ok because you don't seem to be getting responses very quickly. He should get the hint.

 

When in a relationship, guys tend to communicate facts more than feelings. My ex would often complain that the way I described my day was something akin to what she would have gotten if she would have been watching a movie of my day. This is not because he doesn't love you, it is because it is how he is.

 

As for expecting him to try harder . . . that isn't going to happen and it shouldn't. When you asked for a break you asked for a break. If you want the relationship back you have to let it be known. You have to go after him now. I know it sucks and it is scary. But that is the price you pay when you ask for a break.

 

My girl asked for a break a while ago. I spent a bit trying to convince her we could work things out. Finally she just said, this space and time is what she needs. I told her, I hoped she finds her way back to me when she feels ready. In that time though, everyday that passes I get more comfortable with the idea that she won't come back.

 

My point is, if your bf is thinking like I am, he is slowly disconnecting himself from the idea of you in his life. You needed time, when you get yourself figured out, if you decide you want to be with him then it is your place and responsibility to let him know that. You will have to put yourself out there to get him back.