Suicide

[Tormented]

This past Thrusday, a co-worker of mine shot and killed himself. Took one bullet to the head...and now he's gone.

 

His name was (is) Jerry - a very gentle and kind man. He worked as a custodian at the medical clinic I work for, always reliable and hard working. He never failed to wish everybody a "good morning" at the beginning of each day, and was always polite upon approach. He was a somewhat quiet man, reserved, preferred to keep to himself. Didn't disclose much about himself, but was always willing to listen to those who spoke to him about events of their life. And you could trust that whatever you said to Jerry would remain between the two of you.

 

However, it was evident that Jerry was struggling with his own demons. He worked hard, remained quiet, smiled when appropriate, but his demeanor seemed - for the lack of a better word - disturbed and depressed. When asked how his weekend went, his response would always be...."uneventful," followed by a weak smile.

 

He lived alone, didn't date (much too shy for that!), and the only companion he had was alcohol - which he "visited" quite often. In other words, Jerry preferred to isolate himself, although he did have family who lives closeby.

 

Apparently, something happened that alarmed his sister enough to go to his apartment last Thursday (he didn't show up for work that day which is very uncharacteristic for him) and demanded that he give her his guns. He refused, and upon her continued demands, he pulled one out and shot himself in front of her. Needless to say, she is completely traumatized by this.

 

The atmosphere at work yesterday was very somber. Everybody walked around with down cast eyes in a state of disbelief. One co-worker said..."it just doesn't seem real." And I guess that's pretty much representative of how everybody feels right now..."this just can not be real."

 

Unfortunately, it is and we are all left to deal with it. Deal with the guilt of not recognizing the symptoms/signs of his misery...of not acting upon it to prevent this tragic event. But, I think we all know that our guilt is unwarranted...you can not FORCE somebody to get the help they need even if you DO recognize that they need it.

 

I will miss Jerry very much. I will miss his daily "good morning's" his tendency to grunt while he worked, his style of "dry" humor, his willingness to help where needed, his quiet and shy demeanor, the blush on his face when an attractive woman spoke to him.

 

Suicide is always a very shocking, tragic event that leaves those who knew or loved the victim in complete devestation - juggling the myriad of emotions that come with it. Suicide is also a permanent fix to a temporary problem...and I think this is why it's so devestating to us all. When something like this happens, its a wake-up call to us all that if we allow life, with all its trials, hurts, and disappointments to engulf us, we too could find ourselves on the brink of destruction - it it frightens us.

 

I decided to post this as a way to purge my sadness, but also to remind those here that should you ever find yourself in a place of complete misery - if you are so unhappy with your current situation, or can't bear the pain of a breakup or loss that has been dealt to you...then you have the responsibility to YOURSELF to take the necessary steps to change it, to bring some balance and happiness back into your life. Nobody else can do that for you. YOU have to take charge. Only YOU know what will make you happy...SO DO IT!!

 

Listen people, life is a precious gift given to us. What we choose to do with it is OUR responsibility. You can choose to live it to its fullest, embrace all the wonders and possibilities it has to offer, accept the pain and disappointments that come with living and learn to deal with them in a healthy way so you can move on to bigger things awaiting you - always striving to become what you were meant to be...to die with the least amount of regrets as possible.

 

Or...

 

You can choose to live life in a cocoon of self-pity, always expecting the worse, rejecting any and all possibilities that life presents with the mindset that "it will fail anyway so why bother?" You can allow the pain and anger to fester, until it completely consumes you...which will eventually lead you down the road to destruction. Let it be by ways of living each day in complete misery, alcohol/drugs, lonliness, isolation, calloused, or suicide. Again, it's YOUR choice.

 

Jerry's funeral will be held next Saturday and we will all be there to say our final "goodbye." We will choke back our tears while we talk about various moments we spent with him, perhaps funny things he said or did...to revive the memory of him as we choose to remember him by.

 

And finally, we will all walk away with our own thoughts and sorrow to deal with...to process the last chapter in Jerry's life.

 

And hopefully...we will all learn to embrace OUR life with a renewed enthusiasm for this gift.

 

~T~

[Yamaha]

Not to be a downer but suicide is a very selfish act. I feel for the sister that witnessed this as she will be tormented for years. Jerry is at peace now and maybe that is the best thing for him. The living will go on and deal with the loss but we will always wonder if we could have done something to stop the pain that obviously tormented this man. You never know when a smile or a kind word might stop this form being repeated by another tortured soul so don't be stingy with either. I feel for your loss and his sister.

[Tormented]

Not to be a downer but suicide is a very selfish act.

 

In some cases, yes. But not always. There are people who sink into such a dark, hopeless pit they see absolutely no way out. And I think that was the case with Jerry. Yes, it is a very selfish act, but when one is blinded with pain and hopelessness it is impossible to see even a spark of light or the effect this act will have on others. Jerry was probably one of the most selfless people I knew.

 

I feel for the sister that witnessed this as she will be tormented for years.

 

Yeah, I feel horrible for her as well. I wouldn't want to carry that burden on my shoulders, and I really feel for her.

 

Jerry is at peace now and maybe that is the best thing for him. The living will go on and deal with the loss but we will always wonder if we could have done something to stop the pain that obviously tormented this man.

 

Exactly. You find yourself running every moment you spoke to him or saw him a few days prior to his suicide...wondering if there was anything you could have done to thwart this act. I guess it's a case of oversight, of being preoccupied with the task of our jobs. Still, though...

 

You never know when a smile or a kind word might stop this form being repeated by another tortured soul so don't be stingy with either.

 

Very good advice! Like I said, sometimes it takes something as tragic as this to make us become aware of the human condition and the deep pain some live with.

 

I feel for your loss and his sister.

 

Thank you, Yamaha...much appreciated.

 

~T~

[burning 4 revenge]

Not to be a downer but suicide is a very selfish act.

Im tired of this nonsense. It can be in certain circumstances, but it can also be a noble act. It deserves more cultural respect.

[Nemo]

Im tired of this nonsense. It can be in certain circumstances, but it can also be a noble act. It deserves more cultural respect.

I agree. Every time you fart, it just adds to the climate change problem. You can either be part of the problem, or part of the soil elution.

[EricOnTheWeb]

I agree. Every time you fart, it just adds to the climate change problem. You can either be part of the problem, or part of the soil elution.

 

 

This is NOT the time or thread for your "overworked" humor. I'm sure Tony will agree,and will not give me an infraction for telling you to "PISS OFF"

 

Tormented,I feel alot of emotion over this,sorry for your loss,and thanks for reminding us that "ourselves" are the only ones that can bring happiness back to our lives when in major low points.

 

I sympathize with Jerry.. R.I.P Jerry.

 

Nemo,don't even "quote" what I told you here...just stay out of this thread.

[Tormented]

I agree. Every time you fart, it just adds to the climate change problem. You can either be part of the problem, or part of the soil elution.

 

 

Completely uncalled for, Nemo. There's a time and place for humor...and this isn't it!

 

Please...have some respect.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

This is NOT the time or thread for your "overworked" humor. I'm sure Tony will agree,and will not give me an infraction for telling you to "PISS OFF"

 

No, I doubt Tony will object to your response. It was VERY cold and inappropriate. There may be a few posters/lurkers here that are entertaining the thought of suicide or are dealing with the pain of losing a loved one this way and it's NO laughing matter. Thank you, Eric, for stepping up on this.

 

Tormented,I feel alot of emotion over this,sorry for your loss,and thanks for reminding us that "ourselves" are the only ones that can bring happiness back to our lives when in major low points.

 

Thank you, Eric. I STILL can't believe it happened, that he's gone. I can't help but wonder how long he was contemplating suicide. Did he have a date picked out? Did he know on his last day at work that he wouldn't be returning? Did he know as he looked at each of us that it would be the last time? And with each chore he completed at work on his last day, did he know it was the last time? He was seen the last night before he committed suicide sitting in a bar by himself. Was he gathering the courage to do what he was prepared to do that night? I don't know...guess I never will. All I know is that it has left us all reeling...wondering what we could have done to prevent this, if anything.

 

I sympathize with Jerry.. R.I.P Jerry.

 

Amen. Again, thank you Eric. I very much appreciate your sympathy and kind words.

 

~T~

[underpants]

Oh Tor,

 

My condolences.

 

I don't think there is really anything anyone could have done. Sometimes our demons get the best of us and that is too bad.

 

It is a very personal choice. One that IMO can usually be worked out another way, but sometimes (in case of terminal illness, maybe it's what they want). Again, it is a very personal choice.

 

I think that was a terrible thing to do in front of a loved one. I can't imagine the scar she will carry from that.

 

I am sure he had contemplated it for some time and maybe felt cornered when his sister came to take his options away.

 

I don't know. However, I do know that no one is responsible, except maybe Jerry. I hope he has found his peace.

 

Regards,

Unders

[CaliGuy]

My condolences as well.

 

I agree with Yamaha. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The worst part is, the people who are hurt the most aren't the ones who commit the act. It's the ones who love them that they leave behind.

[AriaIncognito]

Wow, such a sad story. My heart goes out to everyone that has to deal with the after effect of such a loss. So sad to think that someone felt there was no way to go but death. I hope that anyone here would try to talk to someone, anyone, and see that their lives are worth everything. We only get one, so make of it what you can!

 

My thoughts go out to your friends and family.

[EricOnTheWeb]

In the last year or so I had times where I was scared that I may go off in this direction...thinking that maybe I should do it. I'm not saying I would ever do it,but I was just scared that my "brain" may start to think that way. I briefly had a thought like that and thats when I decided to just call someone and get myself figured out.

 

I love life and all the things we can have fun doing...just in the past couple of years I've felt overwhelming loneliness,and falling in love on the internet didn't help either.. Guess I just was scared that suicide may come to mind in those times,and I wouldn't be able to control it.

 

I feel extremely sympathetic to people who have taken the option....Think about how bad life and everything was for them...so bad that they didn't care to live or about anyone else they would hurt in doing this.

 

Poor Jerry... I'll hold your spirit in my thoughts,my man

[lindya]

My condolences as well.

 

I agree with Yamaha. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The worst part is, the people who are hurt the most aren't the ones who commit the act. It's the ones who love them that they leave behind.

 

 

If someone's at the stage where they feel suicidal, that suggests they feel like a complete f*ck up and that their self esteem has crashed. They probably already feel as if they've been a major disappointment to the people they love and care about.

 

I would imagine that if someone has reached that stage where they've got a set plan and timeline for killing themselves, they've already spent huge amounts of time agonising about the effect it'll have on loved ones. It's hardly going to be a revelation, to a suicidal person, that their actions will have a devastating effect on others.

 

You don't help a desperate person by piling on the guilt and encouraging them to feel even worse about themselves. You help them by finding ways to unburden them of some of that stress, and making room in their lives for a bit of hope. If we can't do that for a person, then I guess all we can do is try to avoid judging them over much for the actions they take to relieve their own pain.

[EricOnTheWeb]

If someone's at the stage where they feel suicidal, that suggests they feel like a complete f*ck up and that their self esteem has crashed. They probably already feel as if they've been a major disappointment to the people they love and care about.

 

I would imagine that if someone has reached that stage where they've got a set plan and timeline for killing themselves, they've already spent huge amounts of time agonising about the effect it'll have on loved ones. It's hardly going to be a revelation, to a suicidal person, that their actions will have a devastating effect on others.

 

You don't help a desperate person by piling on the guilt and encouraging them to feel even worse about themselves. You help them by finding ways to unburden them of some of that stress, and making room in their lives for a bit of hope. If we can't do that for a person, then I guess all we can do is try to avoid judging them over much for the actions they take to relieve their own pain.

 

Excellent explanation.....You truly need to be in that person's boots in order to feel what the thoughts are like. It's very easy for someone to say "it's selfish"...well try to feel what the person feels..you won't say that.

 

All we can do is try to see the signs...all you can do is offer your help and try to relieve pressure....in the end it will be the person's choice...after that...we must just kep their memory close and learn from it how the tedium of life can be.

[jackmerridew]

I've attempted suicide before, and even though I failed, the cost was already too great on my family, financially included. I was taken away to a mental institution, where I was locked up alone for a week, while my father, who was 7,000 miles away, fought to get me back.

 

My father and I hid the fact from my mother, until my father told her several months later. She was devastated not only because I had suffered so, but also because I hadn't confided in her about it.

 

Suicide is the easy way out, but I don't consider it cowardly. Even now, as I'm going through my breakup, I've muttered to myself at least twice, "Please someone just shoot me." But it takes a lot of courage to fight it, and also to do it. I couldn't complete the task several years ago.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your coworker. It's good to know that it seems he had a loving family at the offices. From what it sounds like, it seems he found some peace going to work, since he was such a pleasant fellow.

 

Really the best thing to do is just to call a friend or loved one. I tried to seven years ago, but my best friend was in Europe and her host family didn't understand English, so they didn't pass me off to her. And my parents were going through a divorce, and it was a time where I didn't trust them because I was so angry with them.

 

But I realize that if I had called a friend, I wouldn't have tried to cut myself (and fail at it). I later spoke to another best friend in the hospital, and he really talked me through things. It was amazing, and I owe this man the rest of my life.

[Tormented]

It is a very personal choice. One that IMO can usually be worked out another way, but sometimes (in case of terminal illness, maybe it's what they want). Again, it is a very personal choice.

 

Yes, it is a personal choice but one that has a rippling effect on all who were close to him. I can't even begin to imagine how this is effecting his family, how helpless (and perhaps even guilty) they must be feeling right now. Apparently, they were aware there were problems...enough so to goad his sister to drive to his apartment and demand he hand her his guns. But you know, the way the laws are written in matters such as this leave the family with absolutely NO legal recourse to prevent one from harming him/herself. Unless a person is proved to be a danger to self, others, or deemed gravely disabled, nothing can be done. And it's ridiculous because once it CAN be proved that the person meets one of the 3 criterias, it's too late...the damage is done. Kinda like closing the gate after the horses are gone.

 

I think that was a terrible thing to do in front of a loved one. I can't imagine the scar she will carry from that.

 

I think this shocked me more than the suicide itself because it was SO unlike Jerry to do something like this. And the fact that he did reflects how far "gone" he was at that moment. If you knew this man personally as I did, you would readily agree with me. It just was NOT Jerry.

 

I don't know. However, I do know that no one is responsible, except maybe Jerry. I hope he has found his peace.

 

Well, nobody will ever fully know why he did it, the exact reasons or triggers that drove him to it. In fact, I'm not even sure Jerry fully knows, other than the fact that he was in severe emotional pain and just couldn't bear it anymore.

 

As far as him finding his peace, I hope so. I truly do. But you know, there are certain religions that believe the act of suicide will condemn your soul.

 

I've always had a problem with that belief. The God that I have come to know and love is far too compassionate to condemn a completely broken soul such as this. I have a hard time believing that God would condemn a psychotic person who literally was NOT in their right mind when they committed suicide, or one who is in so much despair and pain that for one impulsive moment, they saw death as the only way to put an end to the pain. No...I just can not see a compassionate God condemning broken souls such as this.

 

But - that's just my opinion for what it's worth.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

The worst part is, the people who are hurt the most aren't the ones who commit the act. It's the ones who love them that they leave behind.

 

So very true, Cali. The dead know nothing. The living go on with the pain.

 

Thank you for your condolences...much appreciated.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I hope that anyone here would try to talk to someone, anyone, and see that their lives are worth everything. We only get one, so make of it what you can!

 

Here, here, Aria. EVERYBODY'S life is worth something but if it isn't acknowledged by a person, then what can others say or do to convince them of such? It's within our power to reach down inside and find our own sense of peace, happiness...our purpose for being here. Nobody else can give you that. I hope if there is anybody here that is contemplating suicide, or has lost their hope will read what you wrote above and take it to heart.

 

My thoughts go out to your friends and family.

 

Thank you, Aria. Much appreciated.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

In the last year or so I had times where I was scared that I may go off in this direction...thinking that maybe I should do it.

 

Truth is, Eric, a large majority of people "think" about dying/suicide...some on a more serious level than others, but they DO think about it. Life is tough and sometimes it can become overwhelming. Depending upon the severity of a circumstance, a person's support system (or lack of), and how strong (or weak) a person's will to live are the determining factors that places a person at a high or low risk of committing suicide. I'm so glad that you chose to embrace life.

 

Guess I just was scared that suicide may come to mind in those times,and I wouldn't be able to control it.

 

I think you'd be amazed at the large number of people who have found themselves in the same boat...terrified at what they may do during a dark time in their life.

 

I feel extremely sympathetic to people who have taken the option....Think about how bad life and everything was for them...so bad that they didn't care to live or about anyone else they would hurt in doing this.

 

Poor Jerry... I'll hold your spirit in my thoughts,my man

 

This pretty much parots my thoughts/feelings on the subject. I have a very hard time "befaulting" a person that just could NOT bear it anymore. Instead, I chose to carry them in my heart and remember them for WHO they were, not for that final moment of despair that took their life.

 

Thank you for your kind words, Eric.

 

~T~

[Tormented]

I've attempted suicide before, and even though I failed, the cost was already too great on my family, financially included. I was taken away to a mental institution, where I was locked up alone for a week, while my father, who was 7,000 miles away, fought to get me back.

 

I'm glad you failed, Jack, and I'm glad you received the help you needed. I also want to thank you for posting your story here as it may help others. It took courage for you to step up and post this.

 

My father and I hid the fact from my mother, until my father told her several months later. She was devastated not only because I had suffered so, but also because I hadn't confided in her about it.

 

Actually, it is common for people who contemplate suicide, especially those who are serious about it, to remain quiet. In fact, those who talk about it aren't usually the ones who carry through with it. Instead, they are crying out for help and don't really want to die.

 

The ones who are at higher risk are those that smile as though nothing is wrong, never peep a word of their pain or misery, carry on with life as usual...all the while making plans for that "last day." And that's why it's so shocking, so devestating for the loved ones...they never saw it coming.

 

Suicide is the easy way out, but I don't consider it cowardly. Even now, as I'm going through my breakup, I've muttered to myself at least twice, "Please someone just shoot me." But it takes a lot of courage to fight it, and also to do it. I couldn't complete the task several years ago.

 

I can't say that I've ever been suicidal, but I have had thoughts along the lines of...."If I were diagnosed with cancer, I wouldn't be that upset." I don't think I could ever carry out a plan to kill myself, but there have been times in my life that death would have been welcomed compared to the hell I was living in. Those thoughts were never long-lasting...but at the time I honestly felt that way.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your coworker. It's good to know that it seems he had a loving family at the offices. From what it sounds like, it seems he found some peace going to work, since he was such a pleasant fellow.

 

Thank you, Jack. Yes, he was well like at work...and he will be sorely missed. It's been so strange at work these past 2 days. We were all so use to seeing Jerry walking down the hall, bidding us a "good morning" when we arrived. I keep expecting to turn the corner of my office and see him heading down the hall, but I know I'll never see him in that hall again. And it's hard.

 

Really the best thing to do is just to call a friend or loved one. I tried to seven years ago, but my best friend was in Europe and her host family didn't understand English, so they didn't pass me off to her. And my parents were going through a divorce, and it was a time where I didn't trust them because I was so angry with them.

 

But I realize that if I had called a friend, I wouldn't have tried to cut myself (and fail at it). I later spoke to another best friend in the hospital, and he really talked me through things. It was amazing, and I owe this man the rest of my life.

 

I am so glad you posted this, Jack. You may have just helped somebody out there reading this thread. Again I'd like to say...it took a lot of courage for you to come forward with this.

 

Thank you!

 

~T~

[polywog]

Tormented,

My deepest condolences and thoughts for all who are suffering from your friend's sad death (including you), as well as my heartfelt desire that he is in peace now.

 

I just found out a few days ago that an acqaintence of mine, who I've always admired and had the best feelings about, attempted suicide recently. His brother, who is very close to him, told me when I asked about him. Thank god he survived, and is now apparently dealing with it with therapy, sobriety, and some anti-depressants. I know that this family had a horrible childhood and life, but nevertheless this news really shook me to the core.

 

My brother attempted suicide years ago, and though he is doing very well now, it's really changed how I relate to him... I worry about him, still.

 

I had a big fight with a friend of mine several years ago. He told me an awful story about one of his best friends' suicide. The guy (he would not tell me his name) was a well-known writer who had had much success. Despite this, one day when his wife was at work and his 10 yr.old daughter was at school he hanged himself upstairs in his writing studio. He knew that his daughter would arrive home from school before his wife came home, so he left a note on the kitchen table that told her not to go into his studio. Of course, she did, and it was devasting. Our argument was about his selfishness. My friend felt that it was horrible and cruel not only to kill himself, but to do it in his home knowing that his child would arrive and perhaps discover his body. He thought that the note was like an enticement, and a deliberate cruel gesture.

 

I felt that the guy was so deeply in pain that he just handled it the only way he could, that the agony was too deep for him to be thinking about the consequences. That the note was a clumsy attempt to protect her. But who knows.

 

My point here, I guess, is that when someone is suicidal, in that deep a pit, it's hard to judge them. I've suffered from depression myself, though I have never been suicidal. But I have had a taste of how hopeless one can feel and how awful it is, so I don't ever feel like I can judge or blame someone who has gone there.