Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Okay, I know this is probably a really bad idea. But, this is driving me crazy. I've just had a really painful breakup. My BF (or I should say XBF) dumped me 11 days ago now. For much of the last month, I definitely felt like he had disconnected from me. What I don't understand is why...? I can't get out of my head that there could have been, or is likely to have been someone else. I posted on this LS thread yesterday as someone posted a list of red flags. If you read my last post, there are quite a lot of red flags. What do you guys think...? Was he cheating...? I know it isn't going to help me because the relationship is still over. I just think if he was cheating then that's more about him and his inability to control his desires than it is about me doing anything wrong. See, the relationship ended but I have no real reason why... so it's kinda hard to just close the chapter on it.
Myz_Heavenly Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Yep, I think it's very possible that he could have been cheating, considering you guys were in a LDR and it would have been so easy to do and get away with it.
JackJack Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 I can't say for sure if he did or not. I understand you're upset, and wondering if he did and possibly why. But even if you knew for sure, I doubt it would change anything. Sometimes, we may never know the real answer to something and it is best to move on. I think its understandable you wanting some kind of closure, and maybe that will come with time. Only HE knows for sure what he may have or may not have done.
Author Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Well at least it's not me then. I guess I can't say it is actually betrayal as I don't know for sure. Just it was one of those things which occurred to me. I'd never even considered he could cheat on me... but thinking back, there were a lot of red flags (not just the ones there). One of them a couple of weeks ago was he was constantly getting text messages and I picked up his phone for him whilst he was in the shower. I told him he had a message and since then he was really protective of his phone. I would never have looked at it if it weren't for that. But one time when he was here last, I did look at it... the sent items folder was empty and he has a phone which automatically saves sent items. Plus only a few innocuous messages in the inbox - certainly not as many as he was receiving. Jeez, I'm such an idiot. The guy dumped me because I pushed him to it... when it was probably what he wanted to do all along and he didn't even have to feel bad doing it either because I'd pushed him into it - giving him a reason to be angry with me.
Author Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Thanks Jack. I know. I know what you're saying. Just it's in my head and I can't shut it out because it's making me think 'what was wrong with me' you know..?
JackJack Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Thanks Jack. I know. I know what you're saying. Just it's in my head and I can't shut it out because it's making me think 'what was wrong with me' you know..? I understand what you're saying. I don't think it has anything to do with you. We all have choices, and sounds like he may have made some not so good ones. Try not to beat yourself up over it, and remember that you deserve better.
Author Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 I understand what you're saying. I don't think it has anything to do with you. We all have choices, and sounds like he may have made some not so good ones. Try not to beat yourself up over it, and remember that you deserve better. I know. I'm trying not to. I just can't understand why he told me we could get through anything and now we can't get through it. I just keep wondering what was wrong with me that we went through so much and he always made it seem to be my fault when I knew it wasn't. He was very manipulative. Plus he has history of dumping women and going back to his ex-w. It would just make it easier to accept if he went off with someone else. At least there would be a cause to blame for all this. Not that I'm shirking my part in the breakup - but I can't see what there is that we couldn't get through. But he tells me it's over. Almost all of my girlfriends asked whether there was someone else because normally, a guy only leaves when he has some place else to go. A guy doesn't normally let go that easily.
child_of_isis Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 If he turned everything around to make it "your fault", then he is gassing (gaslighting) you. Not a good place to be. He is not taking responsibility for himself but rationalizing and putting everything on you. When someone starts this, it is just best to get the hell away from them. Run. They will manipulate your reality until you aren't sure if you are coming or going. Then you wake up one day, maybe even years later, and ask yourself "what the hell just went on there?"
Author Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 If he turned everything around to make it "your fault", then he is gassing (gaslighting) you. Not a good place to be. He is not taking responsibility for himself but rationalizing and putting everything on you. When someone starts this, it is just best to get the hell away from them. Run. They will manipulate your reality until you aren't sure if you are coming or going. Then you wake up one day, maybe even years later, and ask yourself "what the hell just went on there?" Do you know, I don't think I've ever felt so relieved to see a post. You just literally described exactly how it was..!! I was so turned upside down by everything that I was convinced it was actually me and my fault and that I'd treated him badly. Jeez, I had no idea at all that people like this existed! When he dumped me, I was really left thinking "wtf just happened there..?" and as if I'd been hit by a tornado shooting through. The last couple of days I've had my head on more straight because I've been talking to my girlfriends and re-skewing everything back to how it should be. He's completely destroyed my confidence and my sense of self within a short space of time and that is going to take a while to rebuild.
Author Chinook Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Today, I discovered he was cheating on me and I was right. Nice to know my instincts weren't off at all.
Author Chinook Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 God that post looks like I'm so calm. I can't stop crying. I feel so used and dirty and angry. I don't know what the fck to do with myself. Why do these men do this..? Why..? What was so fcking wrong with me that he had to do this..? I've posted before about how sometimes the spouse plays a part in their partner's betrayal but we were so into each other and then he betrays me with his ex-w. I just don't get it. I wouldn't mind if I'd been OW but I wasn't, they'd already split when we got together, their divorce was pending and she even had another guy. We have a disagreement and next thing I find my arse unceremoniously dumped without any compassion and explanation. Now, he's back with her and had been for sometime before he dumped me. Why do men do this kind of thing...? Why walk into MY life and wreck it when he was going to fcking go back to her all along...? My heart is broken and I just have no idea how to cope.
FireandIce Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 I'm sorry you are going through this Chinook. It's not a good feeling to know you've been played by a man. Just be thankful you weren't married and didn't have kids together. You got out of the relationship and are probably better off for it. Honestly, that's one reason I would never date a man that isn't totally 100% divorced (I'm married so I don't have to worry about that right now but I'm just saying....). I've heard of so many men doing that and I just wouldn't want to take the risk.
Author Chinook Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 FireandIce, I'm so naive and stupid and trusting, it didn't even enter my head he could do that to me. He was so into me and literally worshipped me. I can't breathe. I believed everything he said and did.
BeyondThePale Posted July 23, 2007 Posted July 23, 2007 It definitely sounds like there could've been someone else. My ex and I dated for 3 years and then the last month she just felt so distant and cold. Then, out of the blue she met someone else and wanted to pursue the relationship. I wondered where I went wrong, what happened, how she fell out of love, etc. but then I finally realized (it's only been 2 months) that it doesn't matter why they did it or what really happened. The only thing that matters is that it's over and I will probably never really know the full reason why. All you can do is move forward with your life and trust that you've seen the signs, you know how horribly he made you feel and next time you know to jump ship when the signs are all there instead of hopelessly clinging on to something that is dead. Good luck to you, I know it's hard.
Author Chinook Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Beyond the Pale -- the original post was a couple of weeks ago now when I was questioning what I did, what he did, why he dumped me like he did. I found out today he actually was cheating. A mutual friend accidentally let the cat out the bag!
Author Chinook Posted July 24, 2007 Author Posted July 24, 2007 Amazingly, I was searching for answers of how to stop thinking about him and how to move on. I have found those answers today - well, last night actually. When I was sick with cancer I learned to kind of self-hypnotise, where you meditate to such a deep state and you let your mind wander until it empties. For the first time in months... I did that last night. I simply blocked out the white noise of life, silenced HIS voice and all the things he'd said AND my own voice and everything I HOPED wasn't true. Instead, I then let my mind play over the EVIDENCE of my relationship with him in the last 7 months. The imagery, the sounds, the feelings. Slowly I catalogued them in my deep brain and then dispassionately looked through it like a book. Now, the same as with any book we 'READ' we gain an understanding or come to a conclusion. I reached a blinding conclusion last night. It has answered ALL my doubts, ALL my questions and it has finally SILENCED my inner voice from asking WHY. The blinding realisation....? He didn't cheat on me with his "ex" wife. He had simply never "left" her to start with. In the true style of a sociopathic NPD person, he sees his wife as the 'angel' and therefore untouchable and so he's unable to engage her in physical sex (and that was very prevalent in our relationship to start with). So for the somatic physical NPD person, that need has to be met elsewhere. Enter, the whore (in his mind)... and that meant me.... and that ladies and gentlemen is what allowed him to treat me so badly. I thought I was a girlfriend when in fact, for 7 months I have been an other woman. I've been lied to, gaslighted left right and centre and so has she. He told me they split last year (Dec) and the divorce was pending. So, this evening the poison of asking 'why' has been answered. There is no reason 'why'. I did nothing wrong. I gave as much as I could. I literally worshipped the ground he walked on. Too much probably. Now, he's gone. For good. It's literally like he's dead to me now. That's how cold towards him I feel. So, you could say - finally - the brain caught up. All of last night and today has been spent with a lot of "aha" moments happening. He simply had never left her.... even though he told me he was single. Don't even get me started on the weird set up they had of him staying in one house half the week and then staying with her the rest of the weekend. They had two houses because they were supposedly separated and getting divorced. But he told me at the start, he'd always kept his own house. Makes me wonder just how many women he has done this to. So he simply demonised me in his head as being his 'dirty' girl. That's all I was and it answers ALOT of issues I had and ALOT of things which happened. Things likeHe never took or had any photos of me.I was entered into his phone as Runner-ChinookHe called me a whore with such ease that time because that's what he saw me asHe tried to get me to do anal sex because that's what he wanted and couldn't ask his wife to do itI never met any of his friends or family in 7 monthsNo immediate contact details in case anything happened to him in an accident or anything similarConstant gas-lighting and liesJeesh the list is endless when I start thinking about it, so I'm gonna stop. I'm done now. I'm fcking glad he's gone. Now I can heal.
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