funkybassplayer Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Its cool, that you feel im helping you, i love helping people out, makes me feel good. Soon, you wont even care what he thinks, thats where im at now, and belive me its sad, because these people, what they have done, they do it because they have the problem, one that really needs to be addressed with real help, BUT they are bad and unfair in that they bring all there crap into a relationship and a decent person will try to help them like us, and see the good, where in all honesty there will only be good while they get there selfish way. She always said she needs lots of attention...........but it was a way abnormal amount, and really it was just selfishness. I love to lavish attention, but with her it was unhealthy and scary. My nickname for her was bunny! But in truth that was no fun. She really pushed me away. I dont think her husband was as bad as she made out, i think she pushed him to being how he was. I dont feel for him, but i think thats what happend. I belived her crap at the time, but i had a call from him once, he sounded an ok, but hurt kind of guy. He really loved her too, and was devestaed. I felt so sorry for him, he lost his wife/house/family life, as she was mine at the time, i never cared, but now i think this guy had 9 years of crap, and still loved her at the end. Now he has no respect for her and from what i saw could not give a toss if she was dead, although to my anger, she always said that he wants her, and seemed to get off on it. Bitch. I said i dont think he cares anymore, she insisted he did........................very strange, and of course that along with her refusing to divorce left huge questions in my head. At least i dont have to look at her turtal neck anymore! i always wondered what it will look like in a few more years! Nasty i know, but hey......why not
Author Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 I been reading up on co-dependent relationships. I really think I had a narrow escape. Quite early in the relationship something happened, I can't even recall what it was now...but I recall thinking 'wtf just happened there..?' and later I was thinking 'um, is this abuse..?' I didn't think any more about it. Then last week I looked up abuse and co-dependency. I think I'm lucky to have had a narrow escape. He told me all the same things; his ex was a manipulator and she was the one who had him so he didn't know he was coming or going etc yada blah. I think to some extent in relationships, we're all manipulators and we all demonstrate some selfishness. The problem comes I think when it's all the time. It should be a balance of give and take. I mainly found myself giving and never being able to ask for anything or when I did, I was made to feel like I was being selfish to ask.
funkybassplayer Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Well i never asked for anything from her but to be number 1 in her life. or to go out to a club with her and her friends. not once did she let me. I never was, or at least never felt number 1. She was nice and stuff, but i could see it was hard for her to be that way. I felt an uneasy love with her, and she drove me away with her selfishness. I never saw this sexy red head, i saw a selfish cruel uncaring bitch. I didnt wanna stick my dick in her cos she felt unclean, bitter and in the end looked to me like a side of beef!! . I dont know if you can understand what i mean.
Author Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 I'm not really sure I can understand exactly what you mean but I kinda get the feeling that it's not far away from how I felt. My guy was really handsome (so much so that initially I used to think, wtf is he doing with me?) and I absolutely fancied the pants off him even right to the end. But the final time he was here, we were intimate and he did this thing where he was disconnected from me and almost vacant and it made me feel like I was using him! It was really very cold and calculating. I couldn't touch him properly again after that and when he tried to hug me or kiss me, I moved away. I couldn't bear him near me. Plus I worked out yesterday that he was probably cheating because when someone is in love with you, they don't treat you like that. After 20 years maybe...not after 8 months though.
funkybassplayer Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 i think sometimes the pressure of a relationship and the treatment you get can make you feel uneasy with someone. Now i could just shag her and walk away, but i would'nt make love to her. I guess you know what, i loved her but not as much as i thought. i think i was in love with an illution of a stable family life with her and the kids, that could never be, and as pretty as she was, i think i wanted out as i said before i did pack her in first time round. My guard was up right from the start cos i senced danger, and as i said on other posts, i should have walked away and its my fault for sticking in this dysfunctional family filled with anger and selfishness, and ex hubbys that she claimed not to love, unyet would have to take 3 weeks for stress because he text her crap. You know what the sad thing is, i really belive that if she took time out from guys, and thought about herself and how she is as a person, i really belive that she could have been a beutiful person. I think thats what i was hoping for, at first she was a wonderful g/f, but as i got more involved, i realised that her kids were very hurt and abandond, and that she herself was not ready for a relationship with me, and she had so much baggage she needed a jumbo to carry it around in. She even got kicked out of the family home at 16, she would never say why, and i feel the reason why she wont divorce is because there may be alot of crap that will come out about her that she has kept locked in that pretty ginger nut of hers.
Author Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 I think for me Funky, I'd really just like to feel indifferent towards him now. I know that's going to take time. But what he's done to me, especially in the last two weeks has ensured it will be anger I feel more than anything and that worries me. If it lasts too long I may have to see a counsellor because I cannot and will not take this forward with me.
funkybassplayer Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 yes you cant move forward until you can forgive in your heart. By my last post, you can see that im not angry anymore, but i was, but im past that now. I think though in your case because your trying to contact, looking at things on him on the web, and he does not give a toss, leaving you wondering if hes even looked at them (i think he has but has found it amusing) its making you angry. if you never knew these things and stayed in no contact you may feel ok, and think of just you. But anger is an emotion like the rest, and hopefully it will just pass. I do have great memories with the ex, but alot more bad ones, on the big occations ie birthday valentines and stuff. i dont hate her at all, thats why i miss her, but never the less she was a real cow to me. Look what i took on a married woman in contact with her hubby (him texting crap and her replying) 3 kids who were lost and a long distance relationship. It was hard to get to know her with all the issues. Rather than a boyfriend i felt like a nurse a counciler a baby sitter a massarger a taxi firm and a punch bag for her to vent on when she felt crap. i was a stress ball for her she pulled me apart but i never broke, and if she gave me respect at the end i would still be there for her. Never the less i dont wish any harm to her or sadness, and i hope that her and the kids will truly have a better life, and if this new chap can do that for her, then im happy. If our paths should cross again, i wont be bitter, or unhappy, life is too shart for that. I really dont know if i would want to talk to her, but my nature is always look for the good in people. From what i saw she had a sadness in her and that she has a demon inside her that needs to be freed. It is not fair to look for freedom from other people, she has to create that herself. If she does'nt i can see her being a lost and lonly person weather she has a man or not.
Author Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 I've done a lot of reading today. I've come to a place where I am now more settled. I couldn't fathom why the guy could two weeks ago profess to love me and then during this breakup has treated me so badly. I looked back over the relationship at some of the things he has said and done. I had a conversation with a girlfriend a couple of days ago who asked me 'have you ever wondered he could have mild sociopathic tendencies..?' At the time, I thought no more about it and kinda pooh-poohed her suggestion. The relationship was 50% my responsibility too. However, today curiosity got the better of me and I googled the term. I can't tell you how traumatising and yet what relief it gives - to see the person described on the page. I had described the guy to my friend a couple days ago as someone where you couldn't relate to him, his emotions a shallow reflection of current events. Like throwing a stone into a dark pool of water. He said and did all the right things at the start and over time, got bored and didn't bother maintaining the facade. I'm inclined to feel I have had a narrow escape. I feel like I've been blindsided by a tornado and knocked flat and left thinking 'wtf just happened?' Sadly too, I feel broken. My confidence and self-assurance is zero. I think I am going to need the help of a counsellor to trust anyone again.
funkybassplayer Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 I think that if a person can be mad and then a second later be normal, that is not right. You have to stop thinking about what he might have been now, it help, but wont make a difference. At the end of the day we did love our ex's and thats what we have to get over. I think your at a good starting point for moving forward, i did the same, googled stuff and found stuff out, but it never made it any easier, but hopefully you understand yourself a little better, and what you have to do.
Author Chinook Posted July 10, 2007 Author Posted July 10, 2007 Funky -- I took your advice. I have tonight parcelled all his crap up and put it in a neat little parcel to go to the post office tomorrow. I bought myself a new mobile phone and cut up the SIM card and sent it back to him with the phone he (reluctantly) gave me. He reluctantly gave it because he was going to sell it on eBay but my phone had died and I wasn't going to replace it - so he had no way of texting me. Now he can sell it on eBay. I also sent a new SIM card with it, so I can't be accused of swindling him. I also send back 3 DVDs, 1 CD, 1 baseball hat and some underwear he bought me. It sounds petty - but I'll be glad with those things out of the house. Further more, I blocked all his email addresses on my home and work servers. I have a new phone and I deleted his MSN ID. Now all I need to do is see if BT will block his number. I feel better already.
funkybassplayer Posted July 11, 2007 Posted July 11, 2007 Best way, i wish my ex would send me back the dimond ring i got her 3 months ago-id sell it!! but she not as thoughtful as you well done get the crap out of your life, i sent back similar stuff, i let my stuff go, cant be bothered to ask for it back. I still owe her £300 though...........hmmm i dont owe her nothin!! well done, that is a huge positive step forward. Youll feel better for it.
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