Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Okay, today.... is a fairly good day. It's 11 days now since I was dumped and very painful it has been too. Something weird has happened though. I need advice as to whether this is just the rollercoaster of grief or whether it's actually happening. Last night and yesterday I was posting on LS and talking through email and IM with a couple of girlfriends. Over the last 8 months I was really into my BF in a big way. The guy was my world. When he dumped me that world crashed big time. We pushed each other's buttons and I wasn't entirely blameless in the split, I guess I pushed him to it. Anyhow, yesterday I was talking and posting and basically during those times, forced to actually take a real good look at who he was as a person... what he was actually like... and I have to say, I don't really like that person. It's madness because I love him, but I don't like him as a person. Sounds crazy I know. Anyhow, I woke up this morning and I felt better. I didn't know why. I was trying to recall something and realised, I couldn't remember clearly what he even looks like. I haven't seen him for nearly a month (we were LDR for 3 days of the week) and now, I can't clearly recall his face to my conscious mind. I was kinda thinking this is my brain shutting down and stopping me from hurting (I read in the Paul McKenna book that's what happens, the brain only allows you to cope with as much as you can at any one time). So my question or advice I need is; I was hurting very badly until yesterday. I've kinda let go that there will be any reconciliation so suddenly it doesn't hurt any more. Is it likely to stay like this and get better - or will it resurface and go backwards and forwards...? It's feeling kinda sudden for me to just 'stop hurting' and I really don't want the grief to come bite me on the backside. The other problem is, we're in total no contact and I did feel for sure that my BF would not contact me at all. I knew that 100% sure of it. But now, I'm not so sure. The thing that worries me is that I know for certain that if he does contact me, as much as I don't like his character traits, I love him...and I know I'd definitely take him back, without question. So it kinda worries me that my heart is still in danger of being torn again if he does contact me. I'm not sure where I get the feeling from that he might, I just feel like it's a possibility. A part of my brain is trying to tell me to quit analysing and my heart is telling me that it's the connection we had and that's why I can feel it. I can feel he'll come back sooner or later...and I don't want him to now. I'm rambling. Anyhow, is this going to get better now from here..? Or is it likely to ebb and flow a little more...? C x
Myz_Heavenly Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 IMO, I think you will ebb and flow. I know that the healing process is different for everyone, but in my experience, I would be fine one day, maybe even a week, then I would have those days that I had to force myself to crawl outta bed after having a crash landing the night before b/c I didn't think I could deal w/the pain. It's been 5 months for me and I still have my days, b/c I really loved the guy and I'm still trying to process to this day, WHY it ended. So, I guess it could depend on if you can deal w/thinking about him and be okay, or if you need to keep yourself distracted in order to heal. It's normal to grieve over the demise of a relationship, so although you may dread the day the pain returns, you may need to embrace it and flow w/it to help yourself truly get over it. Then, just take it one day at time in moving on!
Author Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Thankyou MyzH. You know I'm kinda relieved to see you wrote that. I was thinking I'm losing my marbles and then the next moment I was thinking maybe I didn't love him at all if it just stopped hurting overnight! I do think part of it is my shattered heart just couldn't take any more. I think my brain just shut down. It's weird. I can think about him now and it isn't hurting. I know it's over and that isn't hurting either. But I'm kinda wary because I've been in the situation previously where I was dealing with a loss and thought I was done and it came back to haunt me a year later and really knocked me for six. I don't want to go there again. I'd rather deal with it as you say, as it comes.
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 HI chinook, im starting to feel a little low, not much a little, i think its this gig, and the weather, it was the same time last year, and ill be looking right at the spot she was sitting in and will remember us kissing there. I feel a little weaker at the moment.
Author Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 Awh Funky, at least we're honest with how we feel huh...? I really hope the gig goes okay even though it's a reminder. Hey McKenna's book says something about making new memories - so maybe that's what you should be doing tonight anyhow... making a new memory of that gig that's just for you, y'know..?!
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 well i was thinking thats its a good thing really cos every time i get passed a step its on the way, and im not even sure if it will bother me im just thinking **** ill be looking at where we were this time last year, but then again what about my couch! and i see and sit on that all the time!!
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 ill be back for about midnight, so ill post on how i was, i think ill be just fine, and have already faced it in my head, and cool with it. Like i said i have moments but thats all they are, and i think when they start i get scared that im slipping back again, but now as fast as they come,, they go. Lets hope that i will get stronger and this is all the healing process. i think it is.................ill post later ..................
madgun68 Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 They'll come and go, but the strength of them will diminish over time. Seeing your ex as you do now I think is a good thing. Try using that when they return to see if that helps. (Never felt that way about my ex, so I don't know if it'd work or not. Doesn't hurt to try though, right? )
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Thanks man, tonight is a good test, as ill see her in my head where she was sitting, and being on stage, i have no chioce but to look there! I think ill be fine, its a good thing that i face my fears. She dont give a toss about me, she has her new toy, but i still have up n downs about her, but the time is helping me heal and move forward. I feel stronger and confident, and im facing my fears, not dragging them from relationship to relationship like she is.
underpants Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 time is helping me heal and move forward. I feel stronger and confident, and im facing my fears, not dragging them from relationship to relationship like she is. Hey Funky, This portion of your post shot out at me. I think this is the best advice you can give yourself. I see all too often people who go almost directly into another relationship or who blend relationships only to realize (usually too late) that they have made terrible choices and mistakes. It is as if they never wanted to get to know themselves, just to validate some insecure need by being paired with someone (sometimes anyone). It is rare that these relationships last and they are often dysfunctional at best, as one partner has never done the work to ...find themselves or realized they can be whole on their own. This time for yourself will be very good for you and ultimately help you seek a healthy partner when you are ready. Glad the gig went well. Regards, Unders
Author Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 OMG OMG You guys help me. I really really could just about smack him right now. I discovered from a couple of sources today that he's trying to 'court' my friends. (we're in the same running club). I've been there five years and suddenly he's asking my guypals to get coffee. I could smack him. So I emailed him and said he was out of order. Has he replied...? HAS HE HELL.
funkybassplayer Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Hey Unders thanks man, it made lofs of sense what you said, she went from her hubby( who she would not divorce) to me to another, and this guy IS controlling.......what the hell is she doing, take time out for yourself girl, know yourself, not my problem anymore! Chinook, what are you doing??? dont email, you know you wont get a rely, let him do as he lies, hes having fun winding you up i think!
underpants Posted July 7, 2007 Posted July 7, 2007 Chinook, I realized after posting that this was indeed your thread. However, I think the advice or validation of Funky's advice to himself stands good for you as well. I noticed that you said you were really into this guy however you really didn't even like him as a person. Well, that should be enough for you to turn your stinking thinking around and realize you two are just not compatable no matter who ended it. As far as the courting of your friends, I don't think sending that letter was such a good idea. However, I guess what is done is done. I would go back into NC even if he replies. You are still in the storm so to speak. You went a couple of weeks with the NC. The average is like 3 months before you head gets really clear. Maybe you could change running clubs? I guess my point is that if you send angry emails, or appear bothered by him, he will know that he still has a hold on you emotionally.
Author Chinook Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 As far as the courting of your friends, I don't think sending that letter was such a good idea. However, I guess what is done is done. I would go back into NC even if he replies. You are still in the storm so to speak. You went a couple of weeks with the NC. The average is like 3 months before you head gets really clear. Maybe you could change running clubs? I guess my point is that if you send angry emails, or appear bothered by him, he will know that he still has a hold on you emotionally. Oh jeez, I know. I'm kinda disappointed in myself. I was doing so well today. I really could smack him. He's way out of line. I just asked him to be careful with our friends. I wasn't neurotic or angry in the note. But I'm angry that other people are being involved and we both specifically agreed they wouldn't be. What's more irritating is that I already left the club. The guys told me later. They feel uncomfortable with what he's doing. I just don't get it. I want to smack him. Why would he want to do this...? Didn't he already say it was over...? Why bother going after my friends...?
hope4best Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 I had the same thing happen with an ex, everytime he called I was more than happy to take him back, I just could not say no to him. If you really want to move on, don't answer the phone. Hang in there!
Author Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Hope your ok Chinook No Funky, I'm not really okay but there isn't a great deal I can do about it. The guy is posting on the club forum ingratiating himself to my friends. I already asked the webmaster to ban my access so I can't reply to anything. I resigned my membership of the club too. Now he's going after my friends. I just don't understand why. I sent him the email last night just saying that a couple of people had mentioned they were uncomfortable. It was a reasonable note given the situation. It was calm and measured. It's been ignored. Again. So it seems this guy can come in, walk all over my life and steal my friends and social circle and then make it so I'm practically invisible. Considering all that, I think I have a right to be more than reasonably angry with him because what he's doing is waging a psychological war. I can do precisely nothing about it because the moment I do, it makes me look like the whining ex-from-hell. So he's quite effectively silenced me way better than he ever could in our relationship. I reached a point yesterday though with this that I realised that if a person has these qualities and can do this kind of thing in so subtle a manner that only I can see it (hence appearing mad when talking about it) then really, that person is a way too dangerous person to have in my life. He could beg me on bended knees until the cows come home to take him back and there is no way between heaven and earth, in this life or the next I will ever take him back.
funkybassplayer Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 Look everything you send say or do is being ignored. Hes not interested anymore, and your freinds are yours, they will stick by you, remember thay have their own brain..leave em all to it, think of you only. Today i the first sunday i feel good, happy and cool. Its because i never contact my ex once in 5 weeks (expept to say the cheque will bonce) you cant contact then expect a relpy then get upset, you have to for you stay away.
Author Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Look everything you send say or do is being ignored. Hes not interested anymore, and your freinds are yours, they will stick by you, remember thay have their own brain..leave em all to it, think of you only. Today i the first sunday i feel good, happy and cool. Its because i never contact my ex once in 5 weeks (expept to say the cheque will bonce) you cant contact then expect a relpy then get upset, you have to for you stay away.I know. I know I should have done nothing. Also, right now I'm so angry that he's taken so much away from me. Not angry with him, angry with myself that I let him do it..!! I know he doesn't care and yes, that bites but it's not unexpected. I'm kinda having my rose-coloured-specs cleaned of the tint at the moment. I should thank my stars in a way because his current behaviour is making it really easy to not only dislike the character traits but also to begin hating him. I'm hoping I can control that so that it doesn't make me bitter.
funkybassplayer Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 your just going through all the normal emotions. I did too, but its when you give in to them, thats when you lose what you built up. I guess im lucky that my ex is 150 miles away and we never had same mates etc. What has he taken away from you? you have your freinds, your house, the only thing gone is him! It is hard, but letting the emotions wash over you is best. Contacting him, i bet he laughs at the emails. Walk away, these people are damaged goods. U are better off out, if you leave him alone, and concentrate on tou, you will heal fast and get stronger, so if he does grovel back( which i really dought) you just ignor it.
Author Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 your just going through all the normal emotions. I did too, but its when you give in to them, thats when you lose what you built up. I know. I think actually what has transpired in the last 24 hours has kinda sealed the deal now for me. You see, I would expect a 'normal' person to wrap up a relationship reasonably and without animosity. I mean, if it's over...it's just over, right...? So why should it matter...? The fact is, he's being the way he is because he's being a git for the hell of it. So far in the last two weeks, I was hanging on to the idea of 'what a nice guy' he had previously been. I saw something some place yesterday which really rang true... the true measure of a person and what they think about you is how they treat you in either times of stress, or during a break up. Now, here's the funny thing - we've done this break-up-make-up thing 4 times before now. Always it was me who pulled things back together. During the previous one, I had walked away from him. I explained why and I explained why he had pushed me to that point and why I was hurting. Then it hit me that I could have done any number of things, I didn't need to walk away. So we talked and resolved to get through it. I treated him with respect and care all through that time. During this breakup episode he has treated me like dirt on his shoe. So I know now that I can't go back to someone who can treat me like that. I guess im lucky that my ex is 150 miles away and we never had same mates etc. What has he taken away from you? you have your freinds, your house, the only thing gone is him! I'm not sure I can explain this fully. Having been sick and dealt with the things I have in the last few yeas, gives you a certain viewpoint on life. It gives you a certain intolerance of small issues and a certain confidence to actually LIVE life rather than being afraid. Funky, he took my self-confidence and belittled me. He removed my self assurance so I didn't know I was coming or going...then he tried to say that he didn't do all these things, I did them to myself. Here's the thing though...after being sick, it took me 4 years to rebuild my life and my self-confidence. It took me all that time to grieve for the life I had lost and to grow into a place where I loved the life I now have. If I was 'doing it to myself'...surely, I would have been a wreck well before now..? As I said, he took so much from me, and I let him do it. There is no shame in it because if you never take the risk, you never know how it will go and there is a huge prize of lasting love out there when you do take the risk. The issue for me was he made it look like it, sound like it, walk like it and talk like it. Now I'm a logical person. If it looks like a duck, it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, then I'm inclined to believe that it probably is a duck. He was pretty good at acting and actually making me believe it was all there...when in fact it wasn't. There was something right from the very start which I could never put my finger on. It was hard to say what it was because he did all the right things and said all the right things...but you know yourself when someone is lying and they don't actually feel how they say they feel - it doesn't come through their actions. I could never work out what it was that wasn't right. I've come to the conclusion now that it actually has probably got nothing to do with me at all. I'm kinda in the vein of thinking that this guy was a plain weirdo. He had to create high emotional drama in order to actually FEEL anything. I can do without emotional drama. *shrug* It is hard, but letting the emotions wash over you is best. Contacting him, i bet he laughs at the emails. Walk away, these people are damaged goods. U are better off out, if you leave him alone, and concentrate on tou, you will heal fast and get stronger, so if he does grovel back( which i really dought) you just ignor it. You're right and the last 24 hours, he's made it really easy for me to move from pain to anger. I think I can probably stay that way for a while too. I doubt he even gets the emails. I think maybe he blocked my email address. *shrug* As for coming crawling back...nah, I don't think so. The guy is too much of a d*ckbrain to even see that he did anything wrong. He dumped me - it would be far beyond him to come to me and say "I made a mistake, let's talk". That's never going to happen in a million years. You're right the best I can do now is to ignore him and get busy with the process of not caring.
funkybassplayer Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 I know what you mean about love life. As i said before,i lost my dad and mum got cancer. What made me see things as they truly are is when i saw my dad lying on a slab of stone.I thought man this is it, this is what happens in the end....nothing. I then packed in my day job, and never looked back. You let him takaway your pride etc and of course emails and stuff just add to it. Like me you got taken into a world that is not normal to us, but to them is. My girlfreind would get so mad at her daughter then next second be compleatly normal.....i always thought that was strange! So what im saying is that he didnt take it away, you as i did threw away pride by trying to help them and they just dont care. this action is draining for us, but nothing to them. I was lucky in that right from the start i had a big red flag about her, and i always had half a guard up. I loved her so much, and hoped things would change, like her divorcing her ex, and making me feel great, not telling me that she gets groped at clubs! Like me you have to get back what you lost, self respect, and do that by sticking your fingers uo to him, and moving on with your own life. I miss her, but she never made me happy, and im better off out. I dont even think a freinship is possible, not because of love but i dont think she is capable of treating anyone with the respect they deserve unless its a new toy. You know, every sunday i have posted here because i was sad, always a sunday. this is the first one, that im happy really feel ok, i know shes with the new guy, and im here alone watching the tennis, there is only the tinyest flicker in me, one that i can easily handle. I wonder how long it will be before the crap starts for him.....not that i care, cos in the very short time i heard about him, i get the impression hes a controller. Good, leave em to it! . I was glad i never sent her a birthday card last week, or her daugter, who used my card to buy things, after we split, and she never told me till after! I wonder where she gets it from. Babes you have to stop trying contact, you will never get a reaction from him, never, they dont think like normal.
Author Chinook Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 Babes you have to stop trying contact, you will never get a reaction from him, never, they dont think like normal. Ain't that the truth..!! Yeah, you're right. I think I've been guilty of making the mistake of thinking he's actually reasonable and would actually smooth this out like an adult. Funky, what you just wrote up there really helped me alot because I really thought I was losing it last night. I also got an encouraging email from a female friend this morning. She said she has seen his increased presence on the club website and she's intrigued why he would do that. So, she's my friend and if she's wondering why he's doing it, she won't be the only one. Best thing I can do is say and do nothing (which kinda grates because it's like I'm happily going along with disappearing for him). But hey, I can wait...soon enough, he'll give himself enough rope to hang himself and as they say, what goes around comes around.
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